A million + 1 things to do...

I am not prepared in the least for this baby. I have so much to do yet I feel overwhelmed. I have about 5 weeks left and that scares the crap out of me. 35 weeks tomorrow! Things physically seem to be going along fine..nice normal pregnancy..baby is going to weigh a bit more than the girls did, but seriously any lb baby hurts just the same in my opinion, whether it's 5lbs or 8lbs...it still hurts! This baby is still nameless and I hate that. I never had a boy name that I was in love with growing up. Actually I always used to say if I had a boy I'd name him Jayson. So we'll see! Things with Chris are dormant. I have not heard from him since the last supervised visit. Which I believe was the middle of August, but not sure. I got a letter in the mail re: child support which stated that it's going up because of his arrearage, but other than that, it's been quiet. oh and still haven't even gotten aformentioned child support from him. My aunt ran in to an EXfriend of mine and told her a bunch of stuff about me and about Chris and blah blah...not realizing that this ex friend is friends with Chris. I was a bit upset because I really hate for Chris to know anything about our life right now. So I'm a bit stressed about that and hope that nothing comes of it. I still feel like my life is a dream right now, I may need anti-depressants. I'm getting by, but not fullfilled. Baby J is still not sleeping through the night which is rough. I barely can sleep through out the night because of my uncomfortableness. Needless to say, I'm a zombie. Not to mention L sleeps with me now and does not go to bed until after 10 because of the wonderful naps they force her to take at day care..ugh. Then up at 6 for work. Work. I hate it. I wish I was on bedrest. I don't wish to be a stay at home mom though. I would go nuts. Weekends are long enough and I'm ready to drop the kids off by Monday. I'm only taking 4-6 weeks off after delivery because I know I will be ready for a break. Maybe a part time job would do me some good. I just dont' know what I'm doing financially yet. My house I will probably put for sale soon so I can go and stay with my mom and save for a bigger house. I can afford the house I'm in now, but I will never be able to save any $ if I stay there and I literally need a bigger house. Me and 3 kids can not fit. Things with D are day by day-right now things are okay. He still hasn't paid me any child support um ever, but he helps out with the kids whenever i ask..he's never told me no. So really I can't complain. It's so much more than I ever got with Chris. He talks about moving back in but he knows my stance on that. Not to mention if i'm selling the place anyway there is no point. I can not house him and his daughter anyway, so no way jose! We get along though and I love it. We have our fights especially because I'm a hormonal mess lately and get mad at him for the stupidest shit, but what's new with that? He doesn't throw objects anymore or punch in picture frames he just walks out the door and goes home, so it works out lovely. L is a little miracle these days. She is so smart and sometimes it's scarey. She is a true wonder and I love spending time with them so much. My mom and Denny try and help me out as much as possible so that I can get enough one on one time with each kid. My mom is truley my lifeline. She came over last night and vaccumed my house for me and helped pick up, I was drowning with the cleaning thing and I think she sensed that since I started bawling to her on the phone about something dumb. So she came to save the day. I have to say it would be tough to live with her again because she is always judging and breathing down my neck, but if I just let it go in one ear and out the other then maybe it could work for 6 months or something. She offered it to me so it's not as though I asked to move myself and 3 babies in with her. I guess we shall see what happens. Next time I update will probably be when I already have the baby, time is going by so quickly it scares me.

about 28 weeks

wow..I'm 28 weeks along now..it's zooming by which is the opposite of what I wanted/needed to happen. Everything that's happening I just keep thinking, I just did this!!! I went and picked up J's birth certificate finally today, yeah I'm a big procrastinator and seeing that she's going to be 1 in a couple weeks I figured I'd better get it! Less than 2 weeks and she will be 1! Holy cow time is just fllying by. I feel like I missed out on J's whole baby stage. I have little pictures of her. Poor middle child! ugh. I need to start taking a ton of them. I'm going to get their professional ones done, but that is always so stressful, it will take a day with lots of energy to try that I guess. Or maybe one day we'll just do it randomly. They are good girls. They seem like they are going to get along really well, it's adorable. My dad ended up taking L to her 6th and final visit with Chris. The next step? I have no idea. I wish I knew something, anything, but I don't. The uncertainty is eating away at my existance. D makes me mad quite often. Just with things he says. So happy we don't live together anymore for that reason, that and the fact that when he is over he just lays on the couch watching me taking care of my two kids. I have asked for help and have even pleaded, but he doesn't care, doesn't listen. He told me yesterday that when they start taking more money out of his checks for J's child support he's going to quit his job. I called him a loser and started crying. I think it's bullshit that he's paying to support A, his other kid that's not mine, but won't help out me and my kids!? What the fuck ever. He's just like any other deadbeat then if he's gonna play that game. He is still trying to be sweet to me and kiss me and trys to have sex with me just about every day. sigh. I like the attention so I don't mind it. But he's not changing and that's what I was hoping for. But nope. Looks like he's not the one for me and I may have to tell him to back off for a while. Even though every day I call him over to hang out or go to the store with us or at least see him. It probably should end at some point. I do need the help though. I go nuts with just the 2 girls. I just keep thinking, how in the hell is this going to work with 3? and 2 under 2! I realize it's my own choices, but holy hell I'm gonna be bonkers for a few years. Right now I look like a beached whale. I am so bloated I can barely walk, my face blew up like a balloon, I can't wait until my next appointment just to make sure everything is going along fine. I feel so odd. I started walking in the evenings with J in the stroller and L on her bike, but my back is killing me after 2 days of it. ugh. There was 4 weeks between my last 2 appointments, so I have one next week..I can't wait. Then after that one i will have one every 2 weeks. yuck. My job really can not excuse me that often, but they have to because of fmla, but I hate taking the time off before the baby is actually here. Anyway, not too much else going on, just barely making it to work on time everyday and looking like hell on wheels because I just roll out of bed last minute, put on one of the 2 pair of pants that still fit and an oversize shirt, throw my hair half up on my head with a clip, no make up..yes..it's bad! Then my poor children are half asleep when I arrive to daycare with hair not done, teeth forgot to brush, clothes are there, shoes could be random though. They still love me though :0)

overwhelmed

Today I'm the epitome of a pregnant woman. I'm a hormonal mess and my mood is all over the place. I've been crying the entire morning. Stuff just keeps adding on and I just feel like I can't take it anymore. My mom told me, well you got yourself in to this mess. Yeah thanks a lot, just what I needed to hear this morning, I already KNEW that. I just wanted to vent and have someone listen, I guess I can't use her anymore. Crying began this morning after leaving daycare. They told me that once this baby arrives the cost of day care is going to be $289/ week. $289/week. Had to type that again. Can't even fathom it. Right now I pay $229/week and struggle. How the heck is this going to work. The DHS is not going to give me any type of assistance for day care even once this one pops out. I would need to have another kid to get even 70% of my daycare bill paid. What doesn't make sense is that my take home pay is only about $300/month more than what I'll be paying in day care in a month. I'm sorry but I can not pay rent, consumers, buy food, diapers, live my life off of $300/month..it's just not going to happen. So what am I to do? I have no freakin idea. I don't even know how to think about this logically and at this point I just cry. On top of that, D is mad at me. We had the whole last name discussion last night. My babies all have my last name. Why wouldn't they!? Why would I give my son his last name only because he's a boy? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard and I think D is being very selfish in this matter. He won't talk to me. My friend got me a free ticket to a local baseball game tomorrow so I was going to do that with friends and now I don't know since he was the one that was going to babysit so I could go. Now he's being a baby and not even speaking to me so who knows if I'll even go. We were getting along so well before this. Although on Saturday I had a friend in town and she wanted to go shopping to Target, so I got D to watch J so we could go and not have to worry about a baby in the cart. Welll he called me twice while we were there and then told me to hurry because he had to be home for dinner and couldn't be late? So we had to rush back and we were a little late and he left without even saying bye to me slammed the door and then squealed his tired when he left. sigh. What a little baby. I'm sure his aunt and uncle would not have been mad had he been a half hour late for dinner. I was so mad, but I agreed to have him over last night to watch a movie. Well then he said he didn't like the way Brandon sounded with his last name and I said, this baby is not going to have your last name. and that was it, he stopped talking to me, walked out of my house on the movie and now hasn't talked to me since. Stupid boys. Then I get to work this morning and find out that everyone is going on a picnic at lunch time. No one even invited me. I feel so left out and bummed. I know I shouldnt be pissed about a stupid office lunch, but I guess it's my hormones because my feelings are very hurt. I think I'm gonna get applebees drive through to make myself feel better. I don't know. It's just been a crappy couple of days and I'm feeling pretty low. My dad is taking L to her last and final supervised visit, if I end up going to that baseball game. What happens next there I am not sure. The unknown scares me. But for now I have to try and not agonize over it. Easier said than done. My heart is in knots.

visit #5

This past week I've been feeling a little bit more at peace with the whole situation. I figure, some kids have it a lot worse. The whole situation could be a lot worse. And for that I am grateful. I keep telling myself not to be selfish, that this isn't about me. It's about Chris wanting to get to know his daughter, even though he's about 4 years late for that and I will forever be bitter about that, but there really is nothing I can do about it now so why not just let it go. Just for my own health reasons, I need to just breathe and let it all go. A new start. If he wants to get to know her, then I suppose I should be happy about that. It should be good for her. Even though last night was annoying. I get there and the lady asked Chris to take her hand and take her back. She just clung to me and wouldn't budge. So I said, well can I just carry her back please? Since Chris was just standing there not helping the situation one bit, hands in pockets. So I carry her back and she starts crying saying she wants to play with me. So I tell her that we will play later as I'm prying her off of me. She still clings. The lady finally pretty much forced me to walk out and I still hear L crying for me. Very heartbreaking. I'm not sure what my rights are, but I honestly don't think I'm court ordered to leave her crying in there? I need to find that out. She of course was fine after a few minutes, but it still sucked. My sunglasses fell off my head as I was trying to get her to get off of me and Chris picked them up for me and I said thanks..so that was an improvement, I actually made eye contact too, so who knows. But then..they were donewith the visit and I was trying to get out of there as quick as possible. So I said let's get going. And Chris is carrying her out of the building so I said, No, I got her and he's like, No, I got her. So he just walks out of the building carrying her!! I was so pissed off. I ran up to him and pretty much grabbed her and was just like, come on L! He really is trying to control this situation and it's really pissing me off. But there again, I need to just let it go. I need to find peace with this somehow. Our last visit is next week then I'm not sure what happens. I'm sure it's not good though. I'm sure that he's going to end up getting to take her every other weekend or some bs. I really think he has that right being her bio dad and all. Not that I like it, I think it's fucked up and the court system is a crock. But I have to smile and let it go. Because if I don't then I look like the bad guy.

Visit #4

Just wanted to document it somewhere. Before we left when I was explaining where we were going L told me, "D and Chris are both my dads" and I said, yes you can have more than one dad, that's fine. and she said, "I want D to be my daddy." It broke my heart and I wasn't sure what to say. We get there and she was clingy again but I reassured her that everything was fine, pried her fingers from myself and walked out of the room, I was a lot more strong. My dad was there as well so that helped me from falling apart in the waiting room. The lady that normally does the visits was not there so her supervisor supervised the visit and I was happy with that! She actually sat down with her notebook and it was much more professional! So that was a relief. When I was trying to get L to let go of me the lady said something like, "come on, dad" because he was just standing there with his hands in his pocket not saying a word. Of course an hour later when they came out he was being all fake and not even acting himself. L can see right through him though. She did give him a hug and a kiss on the lips though, YELCK! I almost puked. I hate that he walks out with us too..makes me feel edgey. I guess we shall see what next week brings. L hasn't said a word about last nights visit. Her behavior sure has changed since this all started though. I hate that. Not to mention she's not sleeping anymore either and she seems to be peeing more frequently also. Not sure if that is normal or not, my dad says it's because she's scared. Not sure how accurate that is! My dad says if he really loved her he would just walk away, if he realized what this is doing to her. He's too in to himself to care what this is doing to her..he's only thinking of himself and what he needs and wants. He's human, but a pityful excuse for one. I was as pleasant as I could be though and had no anxiety, I was much more calm, but there was no need for me to speak to him this time.

a good day in court

I had court this morning with Chris in regards to his child support. He had requested back in April that his CS was reduced. So we had a hearing in June and the mediator person at that time wanted to reduce his CS by more than half! I disagreed to that and so it was then postponed to today for a hearing in front of the judge. Well, before going to the judge we met for another mediation. This time I had my lawyer with me thankfully because things seemed to go so much more smooth. They basically ate him alive asking him why he wasn't working 2 jobs. Currently he's working at fed ex for 20 hours a week, which he failed to report to the courts until today. The decision, which Chris agreed to, was to keep the support where it's at. I won. He's pissed. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but I don't feel sorry for him one bit. just wonder what he is going to do next. The guy told him he's going to be starting to take the CS out of his paychecks, which will be more than 50% of his net pay. hooray. Maybe this will motivate him to get a better paying job or perhaps a second job. My lawyer is awesome! She said something along the lines of, well Jill would love to be able to go to a 20 hour per week job but she can't because she has to take care of her children. The mediator guy was great too and was lecturing Chris on income and what he needs and should be doing to provide for his child. loved it. At least something with this whole situation has finally gone my way. I needed this. Maybe this is what I needed to be a little more friendly at the supervised visits..we'll see how this week goes.

visit #3

Last night was the 3rd visit. L still clung to me in the beginning. The lady let me walk back there with them so that was good. She wouldn't let go so I just stood there with her in an awkward silence. The lady finally said, 'I think you need to help her to get down, Jill'. So I did, but was thinking, why was Chris just standing there, he could have helped to entice her to play with him. But whatever. He held the door open for us and when I didn't say anything he said sarcastically, "your welcome!" Ok, I probably should have said thank you but I have the attitude of, I don't owe you any thanks. Which I know is something I REALLY need to work on. I need to realize that this might be a positive thing for L and she needs to know who her real dad is, even if he is a pos. I need to realize that I made a baby with him and now I will forever be tied to him and yeah it sucks, but at least I still have L out of the deal. I did bad again last night and no matter how I tried to tell myself these things I still could not make eye contact, still could not say a word to him, still had so much hate. I sat in the lobby doing some unrelated paperwork to keep my mind off of where I actually was. When it was over, on the drive home, I cried again. Mainly I started crying because I called my mom afterward and told her about how I didn't say thank you to him and she bitched me out saying I should have and blah blah blah. I really did not need to hear that at that time. This is already hard enough for me. L doesn't say anything about any of it, and I'm not going to probe her. I just hope that this is positive for her and that she is enjoying it. If she is happy then I can somehow manage to be fake happy. I just am not sure because she never says a thing. Chris stayed back with the lady after we left, I am curious what they talked about but my guess is he was asking her if next week would be the last visit. The recomendation was to have him do 4-6 visits and the lady told me the first day that we would be doing 6. So I hope he didn't get the answer he was looking for. If that's even what was being said. I dont' know anything about any of this and that just makes me really mad too. This is my daughter and I don't know what's going on behind closed doors. I'm not sure how closely he's being supervised. I just feel so out of control and I hate this feeling. I'm thinking of moving. I can't move out of state because for some reason he now has rights and can stop me from doing so. gotta love the system! But I CAN move several hours away from him ass. I want to go back to college anyway and the one I would go to is about an hour away. I feel like getting away would solve this, I know it won't but I can dream I guess.

supervised sad

The 2nd supervised visit went worse. For me anyway. L did better, she was a little frightened at first, but then wanted to play with the toys in the room and did fine. The lady told me to go ahead out to the waiting room and that she'd be in her office. While I was sitting out there, i got to thinking, if she's in her office across the hall from the play room, then who is supervising this visit?? So I walked back there again and she was on the phone! while Chris and L were in the other room across the hall! It was nuts. So I stayed outside the door listening to them while I was waiting for this lady to get off the phone so I could ask her what was up. There was a younger girl kinda standing outside of her office also. So As I'm listening I hear Chris interacting with L and he's being stern with her and making her pick up her toys..I felt like going in there and telling him to shut up. He has no right to be stern with MY daughter. blech. Anyway, she gets off the phone and I ask her what exactly they do. The younger girl interrupts and says she was supervising while the lady was on the phone. um. Are you even certified? I don't think this lady is either. She said they are just contracted out by the courts and normally don't even do this type of thing. They are regularly an adoption center! So they aren't even licensed to do this? I dunno the whole thing seems dumb. I feel no justice. I feel let down by the us government. I feel so out of control and frusterated and I honestly think this is making me depressed. I am so. sad right now and just drag about my days. I was happy and peaceful at home and now I just sit there at night and mope. I know I should not let him ruin my life and I should be above it. But how? When I have to do things by the courts that I should not have to be doing. I've been doing everything right. I've been raising my baby for the past almost 4 years solely on my own and now they are saying that I may have to share this right? WHY? I do not get it! All he has is her blood, what the fuck? Ok I'm mad. I know. Anyway, so she says that she is going to pull her chair in the hallway and observe and as long as she can hear and see what is going on then all is well. Ok whatever. So I go back to the lobby and cry the remainder of the session, but I did make sure to go to the bathroom before I saw him to make sure I had no evidence of crying. L asked me to help her with the drinking fountain as we were leaving and So Chris held out this peice of paper as if he was going to help L and wanted me to hold the paper. I just walked right by him and helped her myself. I didn't/couldn't look at him, acknowledge him, anything. I have so much hatred for him. I have never felt this feeling in my gut so strongly before. I don't know how to let go. I can't let go. I feel like I have messed up my daughter's life. I wish I could have given her a different father. I feel like I've let her down somehow. Anyway, so we leave and that was the end of the visit. She then started talking about Dan..then says, I mean Chris. She doesn't even know his name! How can 6 supervised visits of 1 hour incriments be anything to give him rights to start seeing her on a regular basis? I just don't get it. It gives me such a headache to even think about it. I need to ask my dr about antidepressants though because I can feel myself sinking. and fast. D has been good, but I've been a complete bitch to him. I barely will talk to him and and so short with him. He mowed my grass yesterday and I haven't said thank you yet. He asks what's wrong and that he wants to go with me to a visit with Chris to be there for me. He feels bad about all of this, but really he can't help me. No one can. I have to somehow get through this on my own. Figure out a way to deal with it. My dad is still in Greece visiting his new facebook girlfriend. sigh. He usually is with me during the Chris stuff and helping me out. I need to actually talk to Chris and try to be amicable. Let him know that this is not upsetting me and that Im fine with it. I can't and will not give him the satisfaction of knowing this whole thing is pissing me off and what he has done has worked. But I can't even put on a front for him yet. I'm still too mad. Maybe in 2 weeks when my dad is back he can come with me and somehow this will get easier. My mom has nothing to do with the situation and doesn't help me with it. She doesn't want to be involved. She says it's too much for her to deal with and she's already depressed and can't handle it. So she stays away from it. It's hard for her to deal with to, but I wish she'd be there for me. oh well. lunch time.

I don't know the words to say here

I can't even explain the feelings I felt having to take L to the supervised visit last Thursday. It was a horrible nightmare, yet, I was calm and cool on the outside, I was screaming and hot on the inside. We get there and he is already there. We go back to the little room and she is clinging to me tight. She whispers something and I bend over and she says, "I don't want to play with my dad." So I end up able to sit there in the doorway with her inches from me. Then he says to me, "You need to write down things she likes to do and eat so that way when I start taking her I'll know." That was bold. I just said okay. She kept clinging to me for about the first 15-20 minutes of the visit and the lady supervising told me that honestly this is only the 2nd time she has ever seen that happen! I had prepared L for the visit, but not a few days before or anything, I told her that day. She is the type to get overanxious for things so telling her a few days in advanced seemed pointless. She was excited when we were at home, she was so excited to see her dad and "he will have candy for me" " I want to wear my sparkly shoes for my dad" It was so sad to see him standing there pathetic as usual with nothing to offer my daughter. He didn't entice her at all to play, he just sat there. The lady had to keep saying things like, don't you want to play with your dad, look at the toys, blah blah. I felt like I was on some crazy episode of I don't know what. Just felt so out of ordinary. We have to go again this week. By the end of the visit L had warmed up to him and even hugged him goodbye. The lady told Chris he could bring something for her next time if he wants. We'll see. We are doing this 6 times and then he has to take a parenting class and after he completes that then the custody gets reviewed. I've hired a lawyer. In regards to child support I will be winning the case with that. We go before a judge August 10th and my lawyer is very confidant that I will win. In fact, when she ran the numbers, he should actually be paying me more than he already is. So that was good news. She didn't have good news in regards to custody and all we can do is hope he messes up. But at this point I'm assuming that he's going to follow through with all this bs and that it's going to be a fight. I'm not going to be going in blind to this fight that's for sure. My lawyer is the best lawyer in town and mommy and daddy are paying for it for me. I have no shame in that. I'm just so grateful they are on my side with all of this. L hasn't said anything more about Chris since seeing him. She never talks about him. I will tell her again tomorrow that we will be seeing him. I wonder how tomorrows visit will go. sigh. Things with D are going great. He's been such a gem. We get along so wonderfully now that he isn't living there. I feel so liberated and it's a wonderful thing to be in control of my domain again. He is over quite often to help out or just to see the kids. Tonight he's coming over with a movie he rented that I wanted to see. He hasn't given me any money since about 2 weeks before he moved out so I went ahead and filed for child support. I need it. L had the stomache flu on Saturday so of course I came down with it on Monday. I was out of commision and so it was nice to have D there to step in. He even spent the night to take care of baby J during the night time. I really do appreciate the help he's been giving and just how nice he's been. It's so refreshing. Baby boy is doing good. I just started feeling him move around and i'll be 21 weeks on Friday. Although I'm wondering if it's just gas. This baby never moves! I haven't really had any cravings this time around, or any symptoms really other than the growing tummy. I'm calling a new Dr this afternoon to see if they will take me mid-pregnancy. I really dislike the current practice I go to and I've been there through all 3 pregnancies, I always meant to change Dr's but I just never found the time and lately I'm fed up with my treatment so I'm going to explore my options. Lately things have seemed so peaceful and just go-with-the-flow. Life is good. The only stressor in my life right now is Chris and his impact on L. Other than that, things are fine. No complaints. Am I setting myself up by actually typing these positive things? Or can I truly just be at a content place right now with no reprecussions?

war and peace

So peaceful. Lately things are doing good in regards to the pregnancy, D. He is all moved out except for a few items which I have boxed up and in the laundry room. I have the greatest friend ever. She is someone I rarely see, but she always seems to be there in my time of need. She came for the entire weekend last weekend. She mopped my kitchen, helped with the carpet scrubbing, helped with the organizing. My house feels like mine again and I really have her to thank. I would have never been motivated to do it all if it wasn't for her. I'm so grateful. I love my house right now. I have it the way I want it, the way it should have been from the beginning. He really had a lot of shit in my house! It feels good to be free of it. We are getting along better than ever. He's been coming over quite regularly. Mowed my grass. Still has not given me any money in a month. But at least being there for us. We have been nice to eachother and I love it. If I want him to leave and go home, I ask him to, it's wonderful. So far so good. Step by step. Next Thursday will be L's first supervised visit with Chris. I'm nervous for her. Yesterday I was showing her her baby book. We came across a picture of Chris and I and she asks, "who's that guy?" so I tell her that it's her dad Chris and she says, "Christa??" which is the name of my dad's xgirlfriend. Wow. She doesn't even remember Chris, or if she does it's vague. I feel so bad. I wonder how the observing parenting time will go. How she will act/react? or him too..he's so terrible when it's me with her and him, he ignores her and barely talks to her, I can't even imagine how he will interact with her one on one! I won't know because I can't be in the room. That makes me sad. I hope she does okay, I'm super nervous. I HATE that this is happening. And what is it happening for? He doesn't all of a sudden care, because if he did he'd be calling me and wanting to see her more. I just don't get it. Is he doing it just to make my life a living hell since he all of a sudden has to pay child support? makes me want to puke just thinking about it. gr.

It's a BOY

I found out yesterday I'm having a boy. It's a strange feeling. Never would have guessed it. I was in shock for a bit. When she told me I blurted out, "It's a BOY?" then I started bawling, it was an emotion I had never felt before, it was a happy cry. The nurse was saying, "oh don't worry you will get used to it." I had to explain to her it was a happy cry. I'm going to have a son. I'm so excited! and ready to go shopping! I will be 19 weeks tomorrow, time seems to be flying by. No wonder it's a boy, I haven't been sick at all this entire pregnancy. I have no symptoms of pregnancy, can't even feel baby moving yet! My office finally found out yesterday too. I told one person, because they asked me, and now everyone knows...they love to talk around here. I don't mind though since now I can wear my maternity clothes proudly, instead of trying to cover it up. D is now gone. His stuff, however, is not. He took his dresser and some things. but the majority of it is still laying around. Not to mention his hideous pink recliner. He said I can just throw it out, well thanks now I have to find someone to haul it to a dumpster. ugh. He's staying with his aunt for now and apparently will be getting a storage unit soon and wants me to hold on to all his stuff until then. I told him to put it all in the shed, I do not want all his crap in my house! But he is being good about everything and we have been very civilized. Not at all how it played out when Chris moved out. We are actually staying friends and don't hate eachother. I'm kind of loving it. I hope it can stay this way!!! Speaking of Chris. I got a phone call from child services yesterday stating that Chris has moved back to the state and wants to set up his supervised visits now. I tried calling them back but haven't gotten to speak with them yet. I'm just in shock that they are letting him do this now. He's not going to just silently go away like I had hoped. I don't know for sure if he's going to follow through on all this bs, but the point is, he's throwing L for a loop because he hasn't been around since March and now is popping back up. L doesn't bring him up. ever. In fact, she thinks my dad is her dad. I detest that Chris is such a half-assed dad. I don't want that for L at all and I don't think it's fair that I have to cooperate with it because the stupid state is making me. What happened to this being a free country. ugh. I digress. But I know in the long run this isn't about me, it's about L and her dad. But come on, this state allows drug dealing criminals get partial custody of their children, I have no fight here, I'm doomed to send L off with this asshole at some point and that scares the shit out of me. Just thinking about her with him alone scares me. I hate that he keeps haunting me.

we have a date(ish)

He finally gave me a rough estimate of when he is moving out. The week after the 4th of July. So this must mean that he has finally found somewhere to move. Now if he actually goes I will be thrilled. I have this terrible feeling though that he won't. We'll see. And if not, then I'm threatening him with court. So we'll see. I'm trying to stay civilized and friendly so that he will go peacefully. He has his daughter and sister still there so we are at my mom's house still, I hate it. I am enjoying staying with my mom, but I hate living out of a bag and feeling so uprooted. So violated. He keeps bugging me to bring L over so that she can play with A. He's being kind of obsessed with it. I don't know why it's such a big deal. HE can play with A, it's his daughter after all. This whole time I feel like I was being used. Used for a place him and his crap can dwell. A place for his daughter to go and have a babysitter, yes, I feel he used L as a babysitter so he didn't have to deal with her. L acts more grown up than his 7 year old as sad as that is. I'm so stupid because I did this same exact thing with Chris only 4 years ago. Why am I so gullible? Such a pushover? I need to work on this. I remember getting angry a while back when there was a post on the Babycenter website from someone saying that they think if you are a single mom you should not date until your child is 18. Honestly, I'm going to go that route this time. I don't need a man in my life. Just my kids. That is what makes me the happiest. I know people probably say this all the time and then end up meeting someone, but I'm really going to try and hold off on my love life until L is 18. I don't need the drama in my life, or the confusion of it all in my kid's lives. I already have 2 a-holes to deal with now, I do not need to add aything else to the pot. My mom's boyfriend threw L in the pool the other day. He was drunk and thought it would be funny to throw a 3 year old in the pool! I just remember running to him screaming, "She can't swim!!". What an IDIOT! I was soooooo beyond pissed off. She struggled twice to get to the surface and finally he pulled her out. She was crying so hard and he was all like, I got her..finally I yelled, "Give her to me". My mom kicked him out of her house. She couldn't even speak to him she was so livid. Now L keeps talking about it and how wrong it was of him to do that. Awe. Poor baby. At least she went back in the pool that day, I was so afraid it would make her afraid of water now. So far my mom and him have not spoken, he did call me and apologize the next day. hm. unforgiveable if you ask me. I can't trust him around my kids that's for damn sure. I find out what I'm having on July 8th! Less than 2 weeks. It doesn't even seem real yet. I honestly hope I can find the strength to raise these 3 babies on my own. It's a scarey thought. Not as scarey as doing it with D though so that is how and why I know I'm making the very best decision for me and my family. My best friend Stacie is also pregnant, about 7 weeks. I think she got pregnant just because I am. She has wanted a baby forever. So she met a guy( a married guy) and they decided to try for a baby. She got pregnant right away and now she's got a whole drama story for herself. He's got twins that are 2 and plus a 1 year old with his wife. Plus he's still living with his wife. Telling Stacie that he will help her out financially but other than that he will stay away. Then the next day calls her and tells her he is buying a house for them to start their family in. He was just in the mental institution last week for having suicidal thoughts and almost acting on them, per his wife. Speaking of his wife, she keeps threatening to kick Stacie's ass and keeps stalking her. What an idiot for him to tell his wife where she lives! hmm what else? She's really got herself in to a not so great situation here and in a way I feel sorry for her but in another way I don't. She wanted this and she went out and got it. I keep telling her to just drop him and she can take care of this baby on her own. I guess we shall see. It's just a soap opera around here lately. Stacie is really not like this at all. She is a very grounded, solid person. She always does everything right and is not a bad seed at all. I don't know where this is all coming from with her. That's all I have right now. Chris has not contacted us at all as of now.

updates

Just want to update on the hearing with Chris and all the bullshit to follow. He showed up. Of course he did! He requested that his child support be reduced because he quit his job so he could go and get his GED in PA. WTF? I wish I could quit my job and go to school, but guess what? I can't because I need to actually support my kids. Not to mention a LOT of my clients work 40 hours during the week and then surprise! go to school in the evenings! It can be done! What a loser that he quit his job to do that. Then in his letter he put that he needs money for traveling back and forth to MI to see his daughter. Whatever, he hasn't even seen her since March and hasn't even contacted us since then either. Anyway, so I brought this all up to the lady conducting the hearing(not sure of her title, but I guess judge will do). I was on the phone for the hearing, because I requested that I do not miss any more work time for hearings since ya know, I am actually working. Oh, and not to mention also the fact that he hasn't even been paying child support for 1 year..it will be 1 year in Sept. and it was court ordered! If it hadn't been court ordered Chris would still have not paid me one cent. One little cool thing in regards to all of this is that I did receive all of his income tax money. That was a happy day. I bought L some more clothes and put $1000 in her bank account for college. I'm sure he was thrilled about that, and I'm sure that is what prompted him to write the court for a decrease in the support he is not paying me. I mentioned most of these things in the hearing. Especially about the fact that he hadn't paid me a cent for the first 3 years of her life and now he wants it reduced? The judge wanted to reduce it by more than half! Said that is what he can afford. It would have been $100/month if I would have agreed to that. Oh wow, a whole $100/month? Thanks! I respectfully objected and so Chris stated he wanted a date with a judge so now we will go in August before an actual judge to dispute this. I wonder if the judge will side with Chris. God I hope not. I have all my ducks in a row though so I really hope he sees my points. Anyway, so then a few days later I get a phone call from Chris. uhh yeah I want to see L today or tomorrow. I say, well I will be out of town this weekend, but tonight L will be with my dad maybe we can do something. Uh no I don't want to deal with you dad I would rather deal with you. Ok well then you are going to have to call me more in advanced notice because I go out of town a lot in the summer so I need to know in advance. Well, call me on Sunday and let me know if I can see her. No, why don't you call me, this is not on me nor my responsibility. It is too on you too, this works both ways you know? No I don't know, please explain how it's my resonsibility to set a time up betweeen you and L? You can call me. Okay if that's how you want to play it then fine, I will call you. hmm I never got a call. Typical I guess. Anyway, D is still in my house and I very much am patiently waiting for him to leave. I want my house back and this is not fair that he is being a slug and not moving out. I hate it. I am going to end up having to take it to the courts to have him evicted and I really do not want to go that route. I am staying with my mom right now because he has his daughter for 2 weeks and his sister because his sister is babysitting A for the full two weeks. I am at my wits end. He is staying in my house with all of his family something is not right with that picture. It's MY house. I own it. I want it back!!!!!!!! I want him and his shit out. NOW! He still thinks that we are going to miraculously get back together. He doesn't realize that I am totally over him and the whole relationship. He keeps saying shit like, I can't believe you want your family tore apart, and how can you be so selfish and you are just like every other woman taking the easy way out..blah blah blah. I'm really sick of dealing with it all. I just want it to go away. I want him to go away. I can't even say it enough. One day I will have peace. I hope. There is so much more, but I'm stressed out now.

stuff

The update on me is that there is no update. Lately, my life just feels blah. Not sure if it's hormones, stress, self-pity, all of the above? I feel not myself. I'm going to talk to my baby dr. about possibly getting on a mild anti-depressant. I am not sure if they can prescribe one or not, but I kind of hope so since I can't afford to go to a counselor right now. I just want my life back. I want to feel happy and not just get by each day. D is still living in my house. It is more like we are roomates, but honestly, I just want him gone. We have not been affectionate toward eachother in over a month. I told him the other day that right now I just don't love him anymore. I mentioned him moving out and seeing how that went, I told him that since I'm unhappy I'd like to see if he is the reason so perhaps he could move out for a while. He said he's not playing that game and if he leaves my house he lives the state. He said there is nothing here for him. I asked what about your kids? He just went outside and smoked and ignored me. I don't know what to think. I don't know what is going on. All I know is that he is still in my house and I'm still unhappy. Not sure what else to think. I got a letter in the mail from the courts that Chris is requesting to have his child support lowered. He hasn't even paid me a cent since January. I haven't even heard from him since the last visit, I think was in March? I got a nice letter from the custody people though that said that since he is living in PA right now that they will not move further with supervised visits or his father class until he moves back to the state. So now I get to go to court in June to discuss his child support payments again. Fun! He's already paying me(when I do get money) at the poverty level, so not sure how much lower it can get. what an asshole. I'm so happy I get to take more time off from work that I can't afford to go see his ugly face in court. My mom...she's being so cold to me! She is such a downer, I don't know how to react half the time. She says the most incessant things and then expects me to laugh or who knows what reaction she wants from me. I wonder sometimes if I need to distance myself from her based on the fact that she puts me in these terrible moods by her choice words. I talked to my best friend on the phone last night and told her finally that I was pregnant. I just started crying when talking about my mom and D. You know it's a good friend when you can cry to them. I haven't cried in a very long time. It just seems like everything is falling apart. I feel so low, yet, I don't want to play victim. I have my kids, my wonderful beautiful kids, and for that, it gives me a smile and sense of purpose. When I think about the other avenues of my life I just feel completely out of control. Work life = terrible. lots of drama going on, office is divided, 6 people got laid off including my friend. I'm lonely and waking up so damn early when I'm this exhausted is getting exhausting. One positive is that I did not get laid off. I am not telling them I'm pregnant because I'm terrified that if I do they will let me go. They did it when I was pregnant with L and who's to say they won't do it again? Love life = Non-existant. Besides my children and myself, there is no one else. I don't even want anyone else. I just want to be with my children. I don't know how to care for another adult, if that even makes sense. Social life = joke. Example - While talking to my best friend on the phone last night, L managed to wipe cheese from her handi-snack all over my TV screen, got J's powder can and spread powder all about in her and J's room and down the hallway, I guess she is used to having most of the attention at night and couldn't handle mommy being on the phone. Family life = my parents are ashamed of me and think I'm stupid and call me an idiot as often as they can. I can't even tell the rest of my family members because I feel so ashamed and I am literally the black sheep of the family because gasp! I am low income and have 2 kids with 2 different dads. It could be a lot worse, but my family is high society so this is why I feel this way. Health life = scarey. They say that I am high risk with this pregnancy and to expect to have my baby early. And she was not talking one month early, she said it could be 2 or 3 months early due to having the cervical surgery in Feb. They say they may have to stitch up my cervix if I start getting premature labor. I'm getting another echo done this week on my heart so that gets straightened out too. Last time it was all too inconclusive. I had my first u/s and the baby had a heart rate of 169 and all seemed fine. Due date is still 12/4. I have about a million and one more things on my mind, but I really should get to work.

space

He is starting to distance himself which is a wonderful thing in my book. Perhaps he is starting to realize that this isn't going to work and that the best thing is to be apart. I don't know. All I do know though is that my dad told me to stick it out with him for now. He honestly told me to just make him happy and comfortable. WTF? is all I have to say about that. I don't know what else to do right now, I'm actually at a place where I'm just avoiding the whole situation entirely. We have our small talk every night. Lately he's been going out every night to his cousin's house and leaving me to get everyone in bed, then he comes home at 9 once the house is settled. We start a movie and I fall asleep before the opening credits are gone. My friend told me that living without him, I already know how, it's just getting him out now that is the dilema. I know I'm a strong enough mama to do this w/out him, I know that being with him is more unhealthy than not. I am so afraid of the future and what is to come. I guess all I can do right now is find inner peace. I can honestly say that right now I hate the place that I have put me and my children in and I can only hope that by December I am in a much different place. My kids do not deserve it. Neither do I.

I need help

Well, my mom started talking to me again. She called me an idiot, gave me a hug and now she's been calling me daily again with her paranoias that i've missed. The most recent is she called my brother and I to tell us to stock up on soup, bottled water, etc incase the Swine flu comes here. She said she started seeing a psychologist and that it's been helping! Thank you mom, I've only been telling you to go to one for the past 3 years, I'm so happy she finally made that step!! I guess I gave her that push :) . Things with D are grim. I'm not happy, and I guess I pretty much knew that all along, I think I'm just that stupid girl that was believing that he could actually change. I really want/need him to move out, but I have no idea how to go about it. I tell him to get out, and he freaks out on me, I tell him to get out, and he says no. I tell him to get out and he threatens to take the baby. I tell him to get out and he starts throwing shit. I'm scared to tell him to get out. I don't know how to do it. I need help! I can honestly tell myself right now today that I do not love him anymore. Having him out of our lives would be the healthiest thing. Then there is the whole, oh my God I can't be a burden on my mother, yet how am I possibly going to do this alone? I'm at a spot right now where I have no clue what to do. I am not in love anymore and want him out of my house. I'm knocked up with my 3rd child and barely get by with the 2 I have. How will I financially be able to do this? I will I mentally be able to do this? Man, this is tough. I know Idon't want to live with him anymore, but I need to figure out how to get him and his shit out my house first of all, and second of all, I need to figure out how I'm gonna do this. I don't even know where to begin. I called my dad this morning to tell him, but he didn't answer either time I called. I don't know what he can do to help me anyway. Maybe he could be there while I tell D how I feel? I just don't know. I'm lost.

8 weeks tomorrow

I can't believe I will be 8 weeks tomorrow, it's going by super fast. I just decided to call my Dr today to set up my first appt. They scheduled it for May 13th and they will be doing paperwork, pap smear and an ultrasound. I have that day off from work already because it's my birthday! I try and take my b-day off every year. I haven't told work yet and don't think I will for another month or however long I can hide it. It's strange this time because I don't have any morning sickness at all. I had it so bad with J. I am actually quite surprised at how normal and not pregnant I feel. My mom still hasn't talked to me. She emailed me wondering how L was doing. She sometimes seems to forget that I have a younger daughter, too. I guess it's that first grandchild thing. So at least she remembered that I am alive, but still have not talked to her other than the brief email. I hate it. Starting to wonder though if I should just cut ties with her, since she has such strong hateful feelings toward me right now, makes me wonder when she stopped loving me. I don't really have much on my mind right now other than my mom and how cold and absent she is being right now. It's basically consuming my thoughts right now.

EDD 12/4/09

Why am I sad about this subject? I'm sad not because I'm pregnant. I am up for that challenge and know that this is out of my hands, and in regards to the news, I am happy. It's not the best timing, but the way I see it, in my life there will never be a perfect time to have a baby, so why not now. I'm sad though, because my mom is not supporting me at all again. She actually emailed me this morning and told me I'm being selfish for having it. She is PRO abortion and I'm really starting to wonder if she's had one in the past. I am pro life, and she knows my stance on the subject. She still had the audacity to email me and tell me to have an abortion and not to ruin the future of my 2 girls. It really stings. hurts. My heart is aching. All I want is for my mom to be there for me, to hug me and tell me that everything will be okay, and that she loves me and supports my decisions. I know for a fact, that if one of my girls were in the same situation, and I didn't like their partner, I would still hug them and love them for who they are and their life choices. I will not be cold and absent in my children's lives unless they were to (heaven forbid) physically harm somebody or kill. But I guess that's the difference between my mom and I. D and I haven't really discussed this whole situation. We are actually kind of on the outs and this time it's because of something I did, and I feel horrible but there is nothing I can do to change the past. I was venting to my friend through emails. Keep in mind, this friend is someone who we only email, we don't hang out or ever see eachother. So I feel like I can tell her private things and know they will stop at her and she will give me advice on how to handle the matters we discuss. Easter was very stressful at my house with having D's daughter, A there. I expressed my frustrations to my friend through email and said some pretty harsh things in regards to A. Told her all of my frustrations and then some, I didn't hold back. I also made mention of D not having a job right now, and was telling her that maybe I should just break up with him so I could be rid of A. Things like that. Not pleasant. Not who I am at all. Why I feel the way I feel about A I will never know, I hate myself for it and I really try to change. She was helping me out with this by offering advice and helping me try and figure out the root of the problem, etc. So we had emailed maybe 3 or 4 times in the past few days about this matter. D had my i-pod touch at the house playing a game he really likes, so I let him keep it at home while I was at work. I noticed in my yahoo sent messeges box that there were 3 or 4 emails forwarded to D. I was just thinking, I didn't forward him anything? So I clicked on them and they said, this messege was sent from your i-pod, and they were all the emails that I had been emailing with my friend! On my i-pod, all you have to do is touch e-mail and it goes right to my yahoo inbox, you don't need a password or anything. So he was being nosy and reading all my emails, found these, and for some reason felt the need to send them to himself. I am angry at him for invading my privacy, but my anger does not defeat my humiliation. I don't even know how to face him. I called him right away and told him that I saw he read my emails. He admitted it. He started crying on the phone and didn't even stay the night with me. I dont even know what to say to him. I told him that sometimes girls vent and get out what they need to say and then it's done. It was more like a diary because it's someone I write to in confidence. I really hate myself for what I said, I shouldn't have. I have been told never to put in writing something you don't want anyone else to see, and I did it and regret it. We still haven't talked and it's been 2 days. I know we will talk again. We HAVE to. He knows that I'm pregnant and he seems happy about it, doesn't seem to worry him at all. I will probably end up quitting my job when baby comes and he will just work 2 jobs, we may have to relocate to allow him to find work. But I can not work and take care of a household, I know it's not in me and I would crumble. So I will stay home for a couple years until things settle down. This was the advice of my dad. He said this is the only choice we have really. He said all he's worried about is helping to pick out a name. I'm glad one of my parents is being great. I know D and I are not in a solid relationship right now and that is one thing that scares me. But I am going to suck it up and just live my life totally for my children now. We can make this work and I know we can be happy. I will not have it any other way. I am going to do a damn good job with my kids, this is not optional. D better be on board with me, but I have hope that he is. That's all for now...

note

Family services called a couple days ago and said we were going to set up the court ordered supervised visits. I told them I hadn't heard from Chris in about 4 weeks. Then she said Mondays or Thursdays so I agreed to Thursday evenings from 6-7PM. She said she would call Chris and call me back to let me know. She calls back not even 2 minutes later. " The number Chris had given us has been disconnected, so now this will go back to the court and it will be up to them to contact him and then contact me again, so you may not be hearing from me for a while." All I could do was laugh. So like him. He seriously has not called us again since our last visit on 3/24. I just wonder what he is thinking sometimes, but usually I don't.

ick.

I saw Chris this past Saturday at his grandparents house with L and my dad went too. It was HORRIBLE. Chris makes me ill. The sight of him alone makes my stomache turn, and then he speaks. He has not a clue on what he is doing with L. He has not a clue in regards to anything. We get there and sit on the couch. L is clinging to me. Chris finally decides, after about 15 minutes, to go and get some legos. He brings them over to her and walks back to the other side of the room. She asks him to play with her. He ignores her. So she asks me to play with her. So I get down on the floor and start playing with her, building castles and such. About 20 more minutes later, he finally comes over and starts to build something with us. Then she decides she doesn't want to do that anymore so then he starts feeding her all this candy. It was around lunch time and he had nothing for her to eat. Had no toys for her to play with besides these 20 year old dusty legos. At this point I'm just sitting on the couch trying not to look at him. So then I see the lamp that I bought him for Christmas nearly 5 years ago sitting on his grandparents end table. nice. Oh and to make it better, it's a Dale Earnhart Jr. lamp. Anyway, then they go to the back bedroom and I can hear him taking all sorts of pictures of her, etc, then she starts coloring. Well she calls him Chris and he gets all mad at her, saying "who am I, what's my name?" "that's DAD to you." So she calls him daddy a couple of times but then again calls him Chris later and he doesn't even acknowledge her and throws a fit that she won't call him dad! Um, hello? YOU ARE NOT HER DAD! ugh. He has no clue!!!! I didn't say anything, God I wanted to. I stopped myself though. So then around 1 I finally get up and tell him that if he wants to hang out longer he will need to feed her lunch. So he let us go. Nice parenting right there! Then he set something up with my dad to see L again on Tuesday night. So my dad and his gf took L on Tuesday to see him again, Dad said that this time was much worse. First of all, L didn't even want to go see Chris. She kept whining and said she wanted to stay home with mommy. So I had to promise her ice cream for her return. So then I guess they got there and Chris was just sitting in a chair watching TV and didn't pay any attention to L at all. My dad said they sat there for an hour just hanging out with L, by themselves! Chris doesn't get it at all. It's almost like he is expecting L to make the first move or something. He didn't have any new toys there for her, no snacks, no clothes, no nothing. She has never gotten anything from this boy. Nothing. He's not working. I haven't gotten any child support since Feb. and that was for a total amt of $169, which doesn't even buy a weeks worth of day care. He is supposed to start taking parenting classes, per the order of the judge. I am not sure if I am supposed to keep having play dates like this until he starts or if I don't have to. I have no idea. I am just complying right now because if this thing goes to trial I do not want anything to look bad on my part. Although I am going to tell Chris that I am not doing this twice a week bullshit. He can see her every other Saturday. that's enough right now. L doesn't even know him, or interact with him. at all. It really does make my heart hurt and ache for her. I wish she had a great dad. But she will just have to settle for a great mom and all I can do is my best. It's been difficult through the years having to fill both roles. I am planning to write a little journal for L. Telling her specifically all the details with Chris. Only because one day I anticipate him telling her that the only reason he could never see her was because of her mom. And when that day comes, I will simply hand her the journal.

trying again

Yep. I took him back. Things are still not 100% of course, but he is trying and right now things are great. I know I'm silly and that it may not be the best decision in the world, but the way I feel is that he deserves this chance and it really seems to be better. Of course the x-box is still not in the home so that could be why. We'll see. He really has changed though. Yesterday I went to an all day seminar for work and the topic was: Domestic/Family Violence. It was so informational and I learned a LOT! I know what to look for now, and signs. This of course was supposed to be designed for my clients, but it also worked in my personal life too. I almost mentioned the incident that happened to ask what they thought, but I ended up not. One thing that I learned that I was really surprised on was that people that are violent really CAN change. Whereas, I used to think that once an abuser always an abuser but that's really not the case. Abuse is a learned behavior. But she said that it can be unlearned and something can replace that behavior or a new way of thinking. When someone is a child and witnesses abuse everyday, they may live their life saying, "I'm never going to be like my dad/mom." But then of course they end up abusing their loved ones as well. Because, that is all they know. When they get pissed off, they are going to hit or throw or break stuff, because that is all they have ever known and that is how they 'learned' to cope. I told all this to D too. It really made a lot of sense to me. I definitley do not want to make excuses for why the way he was, but it does make sense. He knows what he did was wrong, and he has appologized many many times now. He knows his behavior was out of line and that it was unacceptable. He doesn't know why he did what he did, but this seminar almost gave us the answer. I just hope that nothing like this ever happens again. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells, I don't feel like I need to be or act a certain way when I am with D, I don't feel vulnerable. at all. So I think that is a good sign too. Actually our love seems to be growing even more, and it's almost as if this whole experience has made us stronger as a couple, as crappy as that sounds!! Well, My biggest loser competition started yesterday here at work! I got weighed in today since I was at that seminar yesterday, but I weigh 205lbs :( :( I'm so hungry today too, but I want to win this competition! I think this game might really help me to actually lose weight. We are on teams of 3, so we can't let our teamates down, it's been fun so far. Today someone put candy in all our mailboxes trying to get us to give in, it's hilarious. Should be a fun time and a healthy thing for our company to do! I need to bring a camera in yet to take 'before' pictures of everyone! Other than that, nothing too new is going on. I had an ulcer behind my eye, but that is pretty much cleared up now finally! I hate wearing my glasses, so today I finally get to wear my contacts again for the first time in a bout 10 days! Time to get back to work!

There are no words

I'm not sure how to even put in to words how I am feeling today. A love/hate thing is definitley tugging at my heart and it's making it so difficult to decide or think about anything. Friday we ended up not having to work due to the power being out, so that was wonderful! I got a day off and I had no plans, no sick kids, I wasn't sick, the kids were at day care..wow, what a wonderful treat! I got soooooo much done that I've been wanting to get done. But back to Thursday. I had court with Chris on Thursday re: he wanted more parenting time. He showed up, which is surprising since I hadn't heard from him since 1/25/09. To my surprise he is living in PA with his sister and is getting his G.E.D. and looking for a job. What a winner he is! So the judge guy said something like, "I just don't understand how you could be gone from your child's life for 3 years, I have kids and it just doesn't make any sense to me." so that was cool! He started saying all of these lies, such as, well everytime I would call Jill she seemed to be busy, etc. or my personal fave. she wouldn't let me see L. So I set the record strait. Chris was being so immature and everything I said he would start to argue with me. God, what the hell was I thinking ever looking eyes at him, ew, I was discusted so much by him, and so many times I just wanted to reach across that table and strangle him! ugh. The result of the hearing is that Chris needs to take parenting classes and continue now with court-ordered supervised visits. So now, Chris said he felt like a criminal every time he visited with his daughter since he couldn't take her by himself. I wonder how he will feel now that the court will be supervising also! What an idiot that he thought that this meeting would allow for him to take his daughter whenever he wants. yuck. Oh and he wants to take her one weekend a month, said he will be driving back to town about 1 weekend a month and would like to have his daughter that weekend. Ok. end of that story. Makes me sick, but nothing I can do about it. Gotta love that he's still not working! Now on to the D situation. I still don't know what I am doing. He is being so perfect and sweet and I just have no idea what to do. I love him, that is for sure a fact. and the truth is, he seems to have changed. I know they say that men don't change and it will probably just get bad again. But he just seems so different. Like a light has been turned on inside for him. So we'll see. He knows that he's still on probation and we are just seeing where things will go from here. He's been staying at my house though. That, I think, is a little too soon, but I don't know what else to do. He doesn't have any place else to go so I'm letting him stay with me. My mom is obviously not happy and wants him out of my house. She is not happy and I hate that. I just want things to be perfect. Oh and get this. He asked me to marry him! I just said something like, how dare you ask me that, and of course said NO! I don't have any idea why he would do that now, what shitty timing! He's obviously scared of losing me though. He is willing to do anything to be with me he said. He's even going to quit smoking. I really hope I don't sound like one of those stupid girls that stay with the abuser. He honestly has never physically hurt me, but yes, did hold me hostage in my own home., but he feels really bad and remorseful and said he's so happy that I'm even talking to him right now. God, I really hope I'm doing the right thing by even talking to him. He's been super with L right now too. She is so happy with him there. She really missed him a lot. Maybe in this instance it's okay for me to hear him out and have him show me how he's changed. I'm usually a really good judge of character and can read people pretty well. Know when someone is lying, etc. With Chris is was a no question type of deal. He'd be mean to me, and I'd try to be nice to him and he'd just be meaner. So I finally just said get out. He never tried to reform, never cared, was just a flat out jerk, no excuses. I put up with it until I was prego with L and he physically hurt me while pregnant, there was NO way he was going to hurt my baby again, so I kicked him out. I am not sure what would of happened had I not gotten prego. I think I would have wised up eventually. Who knows. I didn't love him though. I know that and even knew it back then. I didnt miss him at all. I missed having someone there, but didn't miss him. Why I even ever hooked up with him in the first place will always haunt me, I didn't like him when i met him! I guess I can just say that L is the whole reason for that and then just wash my hands of it. I just hate that L has to be subjected to him. ugh. D looks like a saint in comparison. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I think even if people, such as my mom, told me to run away, I'd still try to work things out with him. He is the love of my life, it's hard to just walk away from it and not try a little bit anyways. If he fucks up at all, he knows it's over. So I just don't see anything like that happening. blah.

thinking things over

He wants to try and make things work. Which I knew was going to eventually come about. I am in a spot right now where I have to make a decision and I have no idea what to do. So I choose nothing. I need more time, so I'm not going to make any rash decisions. I think he thinks that this is some quick fix thing, when it's so very much not. I don't know what to do. He came over Saturday and basically started crying because of how bad he feels. We've been texting back and forth quite a bit. The reality of it though, is that I miss him deeply and I think what I had felt for him pre-Sunday was real and something I have never felt for anyone else in the past. The house feels empty without him there. He wants one month to prove/show me that he can be a better man. L has been happier in the house without him there. And I'm not even sure if it's her that's happier, or if it's me, or if I'm paying more attention to her now. I'm finding more time with her. And actually, it's been a lot of fun just being us. But then she goes to bed. and. there I am again, alone, scared. No one is there for me, no one is calling, no one is texting, except for the one that hurt me only one week ago. He wants to be in my life, whereas everyone else has their own lives going on and don't seem to care about mine, except him, he wants to share in my life and be a part of it. blah! I hate that I keep going round and round with this. You'd think it would be an easy answer. But of course not. He wants to show me, and I have no idea if I should give him the chance. He says if I ever take a risk on anything in my life, let it be this. Of course he would say that though, correct? He let me in a little bit by telling me some things of his past. Like how he grew up in a household where his dad was a drunk and beat up his mom all the time. How he used to have to defend his mom. and when he was 18 he threw his dad in to a dresser and hurt him pretty badly. He grew up in a house where his dad duct taped his hands and feet and mouth and threw him in his bedroom for some unknown reason. He vowed never to turn in to his father and that is why to this day he will not touch alcohol. He grew up in a house where his dad would break stuff and even one year threw the Christmas tree and broke all of the ornaments. Grew up in a house where his mom would be the one to come and take the tape off, console him. Okay, so if he doesn't want to turn in to his father, then why is he? Is he capable of reversing the family tradition? Do people ever really change? My mom works in the court system and says, no, people don't change and the fact is, the next time something like this happens, it will be worse. He says he wants to marry me someday, that he wants to grow old with me, help me out more and give me the love and support I deserve. I don't know how to even hear any of it because I was just hurt by him one week ago. This sucks. L misses him so very much. She talks about him all the time, wants him. It's hard to even begin to explain this to a 3 year old. I let him spend the night last night. We stayed up talking until 12am..he started crying again because he started talking about his dead mom and how much he misses her. He never used to even bring her up he feels lost and quite honestly he probably wishes she was here so that he would have somewhere to go. I do feel bad for that reason. Because she sounds like the type that would do anything for him. He keeps saying that he feels lost and just wants his family back. I honestly have no idea what to do here. I'm at a complete loss. So all I'm going to do is wait and let more time pass. At this point, I will let him come over still because he's being a great help right now since he's trying to kiss my butt, so I'm letting him help all he wants. Other than that, no clue. I have court on Thursday with Chris, I have no idea if he is going to show up since I havent heard from him now in over a month. I'm thinking he will come to court though, I have a feeling he was just waiting for court so that he wouldn't have to deal with my dad any more and let the courts decide when and where he sees his kid. I'm not at all prepared for this. I'm scared out of my mind. Not to mention work has me more stressed than ever, I literally broke out in hives this morning. I am on my lunch break right now and want to work, but yet I really needed a break. I absolutely 100% hate my job and it makes it hard to wake up every morning knowing that this is what I have to come and do. I did make friends with a new employee though so that is the upside of things. I didn't really have any friends here before, well I had one and she quit not long ago. I just need to get away so bad! I don't really know how that is going to happen though. Maybe I should make it happen! Not running away, just taking a short weekend getaway.

it's hard

I am going back to my house today. I've been staying with my mom the past few days and now I know why I moved out of there in the first place. It's hard living with her. So today we are going to go back. D doesn't have keyes to my deadbolt locks so I'm just going to make sure that those are locked and I will feel safe and secure. I finally talked to him yesterday. He's feeling very remorseful. In fact, some text messeges I got say things like, I will do anything , I love you, I'm sorry, I'm scared I'm going to lose you, I need you, blah blah blah. It pains my heart to read these messeges and if it was 5 years ago and if I didn't have children, I probably would have went right back to him. But I've wisened up and there is no way in hell I am getting myself in to that kind of situation again. The next time something like this happened it could have been way worse. I can't put L in this type of environment. I can't trust this guy now with anything, let alone my little girl. Why in the world would I let him back in to the house. On the other hand though, I miss him. I miss it. I ache. But I know it's for the best, so I am being strong. I took J to his aunt's house last night so that he could see her, we stayed an hour and it was fine. He is back to normal and no more crazed look in his eyes. I told him that maybe in time we could do some counseling together, but right now that is not going to happen. I'm not going to sugarcoat how I feel, and I'm not going to be a bitch either. I just want him aware of whats going on. I do not feel as threatened with him as I did with ex Chris. I think because this was soooo out of the norm for him to snap like this. It wasn't like this was always how he was. And I know he feels really bad about it. I guess it is time to wait and see what his next move is. Right now though, I am staying alone and not intending to go back to him for a long long time and possibly forever if he doesn't do anything to change his actions, ie, counseling. I can't go back to that without some sort of change. I'm really not okay with the situation yet it still hasn't completley settled in. I'm feeling very vulnerable and so scared. I hate this limbo stage. I just want to go home.

the break up

We broke up. And it's final. I don't even know where to begin, but it happened yesterday. I'm sure no one will be really surprised about this fact. It ended badly to say the least and I want to try and get it all out of my head so that it's all documented. The other day he was being kinda mean to L and so I said something to him about it and we got in to a pretty huge fight about it actually. Then he apologized on Friday and said he would be nicer to L and try hard to make me happy. So then Saturday was a lovely day and we just had a really nice day. Sunday I woke up and L came to my bed like usual, nothing out of the ordinary. but D got really upset and told her she can go to her room or go to bed. So she said, D is mean, he's not my friend anymore. So D said, then don't fucking talk to me. So I got upset, OBVIOUSLY. Then he went outside to smoke so I sat down to watch TV. He came back in and sat down and turned his xbox on and started to play. So I said I was watching tv. and he said something like, well if L can break the rules and do whatever she wants in this house then so can i. He doesn't like L in our bedroom, but the rule was only if we weren't in there, so I have no idea why he got all pissy. So anyway, I said, well this kinda shows me that maybe we need to take a break from eachother. and he said, no you just need to start discipling L more and start listening to the one request I've ever had, which was not to let her in our room. Ok, my house is small to begin with, if I had a mansion or something then I could totally see applying that rule, and secondly, she is 3 years old, she is still a baby and if she wants to be in my room with me then who cares? So I went in to J's room to nurse her and d came in and started talking to me like everything was fine. So I said, I meant what I said, I think we need to take a break from eachother. and he's like, yeah well that's what britney told me too(his ex wife) and then she cheated on me. then he was like, if I leave I'm taking J with me. There is no way in hell you are going to do to me what britney did to me. Then he said he was going to take J and move to alabama. Then he slammed the door and started punching the wall, when he walked out he slammed the door then I heard another crash and L started screaming. So I went out there and he was putting her on her bed telling her to go to be(it was 10am). So I am not sure if he pushed her or what happened since I wasn't out there to witness it. She says he pushed her though. But says it was by J's door, so I'm thinking she meant when he slammed the door in her face(not hurting her). So I went to my room next, all the while holding j. Although he did grab her a couple times but then just kept giving her back to me to feed her, change her, soothe her. I went to my room, put my coat on and put my i-pod in my coat pocket. When I came outta my room he said, good luck leaving, I have your phone and keys. He whipped my keys outside but then went back and got them and then put both my phone and keys in a lock box. He then said you think I'm a dickhead, I'll show you dickhead. YOu are not leaving and not even going to work tomorrow. L comes back out so he takes her back to bed yet again. So i go in her room to console her. He had J so I hurry up and take my i-pod out and jump on myspace, we luckily have wireless in the house. I messaged my brother and all it said was, get mom here now. He lives in NC. It was only 10:30 by this point and I know my bro sleeps in late, but I didn't know who else to messege. He came back to L's room and told me to come out to the living room and keep L in her room by herself. he had this crazy ass look in his eyes, it was so scarey. At this point I got calm and kept trying to get him to talk to me, and telling him stuff like, ya know this is definitly not the way to keep me around, if anything it's just going to push me away. He went out to smoke again so I went back to l's room and sent a message on myspace to my dad's gf saying the same thing in hopes she would check it. At around 12 D says he's sorry and that we should start over, so I asked for my things and he still said no. My mom got there about 12:10. I was just like thank God! She said, my brother had called her. He later told me that he was not going to check myspace cause he was going househunting that morning, but decided to check it because he needed to go online to get some directions. Lucky me, huh? So she tried talking to D but he just kept saying that he'd prefer not to talk to her. Then he said I was not taking J with me. So he went in the bedroom, got my phone and keys and told me he'd switch me for the baby. I said no. So he set the keys and phone on the table and I grabbed them. All the while holding J. So my mom said finally, after calling my cousin who is a policeman, that we should just go. So she got J's carseat we put her in and just left. He didn't try to physically stop us thank God. The whole thing could have been much worse. I have lots of work to do so I can't really finish my story. Bottom line is though that I will not be getting back with him in the near future and if he ever wishes to get back with me he needs counseling and anger management. I ended up filling out a police report because of his threats to take J out of state, not to mention that taking a person's cell phone and keys is a felony. But I did not press charges. The policeman I talked to had him come down for questioning and he confessed to it all and admitted he had anger problems. The policeman was about to let him go when he noticed there was a warrant out for his arrest, so they took him in. HE didn't even know he had a warrant, it was for child support of his daughter. His cousin came up with the $500 bail, and D gave his cousin his xbox for the money. I'll continue later, but that is the jist of this story. Yuck. I'm not okay, but I know in time I will try. Here is to a fresh new start.

weekend recap

Well, I had my surgery on Friday. It went well. I got there at 6:30, they gave me some anti-nausea medicine. Then they gave me my IV. They wheeled me in to the operating room around 7:50AM and put a mask over my face, which I thought was just oxygen. Then they started strapping my wrists down and I looked over and that is the last thing I remember, the next thing I knew I woke up to the nurse saying it was all over...I had never had surgery before so it was all kinda a blur. I mean, I had my wisdom teeth pulled before but that was nothing like this! They lazered my cervix and took some biopsies so I will be getting the results back this week! The after was not as cool as I expected. The plan was for my dad to take L all weekend and then I was going to stay at my mom's house with J and my mom was going to take care of J and spoil me. Didn't really go like that. But oh well. I got to my mom's house after the surgery and slept for about 4 hours so that was nice. L and J were still at daycare. My dad picked L up and did end up taking her for the weekend. But D had A so I was still around everyone. I only stayed at my mom's house til Saturday. I wasn't comfortable sleeping at her house, so that was disappointing. My friend Bridget ended up coming up to see me at my moms' house and stayed the weekend with me. It was last minute and I couldn't really relax the way I anticipated because I felt like I needed to entertain her. D and I started fighting pretty much as soon as I got home on Saturday. Which, he didn't seem to notice, but, was Valentine's Day. The house smelled like smoke so I asked him if he smoked in the house while I was gone and he of course said no. Well, I go to the bathroom and find that he transferred the air purifier in to the bathroom. I called him in there and said, why did you lie about smoking in the house? So of course he flew off the handle and started bitching to me about bitching to him all the time. OH and he still denied smoking in the house. Then I went to L's room and it smelled so bad like poop in there. Well, it ended up being her toilet and A had clogged it! It reeked so bad! So my friend Bridget ended up cleaning the bathroom for me because she said I didn't have time. How embarrassing, so I ended up giving her $20 for gas money to get back home for cleaning the bathroom. I really hate living with D. He pretty much makes me life miserable and right now I honestly feel trapped. I never did end up getting anything for Valentine's Day and I could have cried. I gave him a card at least. So I went shopping and spent a lot of money on my kids. Then Bridget and I went to dinner. What a romantic V-day it turned out to be! NOT! Sunday was no better. Surprise Suprise that A was in town. We fight every single time she is in town!!! So every other weekend. I don't get it and I can't decide if it's me or him. So anyway, Sunday I had J in the bedroom, yeah, I ended up taking care of J all weekend with no break. The only time I got to sleep was when she was still at daycare on Friday. typical I suppose. I had really bad cramps while recovering but no one seemed to care or even offer assistance, so I will whine here about that! Anyway, then Sunday I had J in bed and she was crying, nothing was soothing her. So D came in and asked what I did to her. So I said shut up and he said, don't tell me to shut up and he slammed the bathroom door! So then later he asked if I was still being crabby and I said yeah, and he asked why and I said because you are being a dick to me. And he asked how he's being a dick and I mentioned how he came in the bedroom and asked what I did to J and he said he never said that!!! ugh. How stupid! Of course as soon as A got picked up on Sunday everything went back to normal. How can a 6 year old put our relationship on ice every single time her presence is around! I just do not get it! It's almost like D changes when she is around, I guess that could be possible? Or I just put out bad vibes when she is around? Who knows. We do fight entirely too much though. He always makes up for our fights though. I actually caught him folding laundry yesterday which was the first time I ever witnessed him doing that! He's been super nice now the past couple days. Maybe he feels guilty or bad? But he wouldn't tell me if he did. The guy can not communicate. I sometimes feel trapped with him.

Pipes do freeze

Okay, breathing is very important. I feel like I don't have time to do that anymore though. Between work and home, I am very stressed. We've had about 8 people quit in the past couple months so my caseload has tripled in size and I'm overworked and underpaid. Still searching for something else, but in the meantime I am here and very busy. Our system is down right now though so I thought I would find time to come type some feelings out since I can't work. Home has been pretty nuts. D lost his job. Got laid off. My dad is the one that had to do it. Our economy sucks. I don't think there is any dispute about that. So now I'm the only one working and that is a PITA. He filed for unemployment but he won't know anything until the 19th. Not sure if he plans on going and job searching for something else or what. The kids are still going to day care because honestly I do not know if he could care for them by himself. Which is sad. Maybe 1, but I'm not even going to discuss that with him until the weekend. J had her 4 months appt yesterday and they didn't end up giving her the vaxes. She has been fighting a cough now since Saturday. I took her to the medexpress on Saturday and had to wait 75 minutes in the waiting room for them to tell me that it's just a virus and to wait it out. Then yesterday she had her pedi appt and they said it's pretty bad so no vaxes. So she goes back in a week. I think she is almost over it now, so hopefully she can get the vaxes next week. She has been starting the fussy time at night now. Around 7:30 she starts crying and I can't calm her down until around 10. She will eat and then cry. She's not hungry, she's not tired, sick she is just cranky it seems like. Last night D and i figured out if you put her in the bouncey seat and bounce her she will calm down a little. It's been tough because I can't get anything done at night since I need to be with her all evening. You would think D could do stuff for me, but that would be too simple. I'm really looking forward to next weekend when I have my surgery. Hard to believe I'm actually excited for surgery! I'm excited to get the time off from everything for a couple days, I think it will help me out, mentally. A mental break I suppose. This morning the pipes froze in the house and I still do not have water. I can not believe how hard life is with no water. We really take it for granted! Everything I went to do it seemed like needed water. Anyway. D is waiting for them to come and repair it as I type this. Hopefully it gets taken care of. blah. That's all for now.

Today's tidbits

Nothing much is really happening. I didn't get the promotion, but I pretty much expected that to happen, so no sweat. There are a couple other job leads I am looking at in the area too, so maybe sometime soon I can get out of here. People are losing their jobs left and right around here, the economy really is very poor here, I am going to try and save as much as I can from my checks, I may need it in the future. Sad but true. Oh, L and my dad went to Chris' grandparents on Mon. night and he said something to L along the lines of..'I am your dad and I will spank your butt'..oooh I am so pissed about this. I am very against spanking - I know some people do not think spanking is abuse, but I just don't like it. So yes, this really struck a chord with me and my dad intends on writing a letter to the prosecutor to witness this statement he made. I wasn't there, but my dad was. So was Chris' grandma and I guess she commented saying something like, Oh no you will not do that. But OMG I do not understand why or how he thinks he can say this to her! First of all, he is not even a parent to her!!! I was up all night long thinking about this, how can I subject my little girl to this asshole. ugh. I am so flustered with this whole episode!!! I'm not pregnant, Just thought I would throw that in since I was concerned in my last post. I didn't really think I was, but it was in the back of my head. I'm not sure why I'm getting periods this time around, after I had L I didn't get one until I finished breastfeeding. Oh well. I really like that show the Duggars - I don't know why, but I have a little crush on the husband, Jim Bob. I think because he is truley the epitome of what a husband is supposed to be. I want that. I don't think it's too much to ask. I'm not sure if D can give that to me. Basically what it comes down to is respect. I really like how Michelle handles herself, too. She is so mellow. Is she behind the scenes smoking pot or what? She really has a calming about her and it really has been helping me at home. When I get flustered/frusterated I honestly think about her and it helps to calm me down. I mean, if she can be that way with 18 children, then certainly I can handle 2!! Anyway, that's about all that is going on over here. My surgery is in 2 weeks and I'm pretty calm about it. Usually I stress about this kind of thing and have a lot of anxiety, but for some reason I don't think it will be that big of a deal. Plus I will feel like I am on vacation, my mom is letting me stay at her house for the weekend and my dad is taking L for the whole weekend, and so I will have my mom taking care of me and J and she will just bring me J to feed her and see her. I can not wait to be waited on! :) The surgical place said that my surgery is at 8 and I will be able to go home by 10, so that was a relief also. Ok that's all for now.

life

I wish that there was someone who could read a person's blog and then analyze them by reading it. That is what everyone wants. Someone who can understand them, figure them out, and then tell them what their strengths and falters are. I had an interview this morning for a management position. It was me and 4 others who applied. I thought I had a strong chance, but at the end of the interview he told me. " don't be discouraged if you do not get this position." Which, in turn, discouraged me. I woke up late today. My interview was at 9:00AM, I have to be to work at 8:00AM. I woke up at 7:40AM. How this happened I will never know, but how frusterating. I was crying my eyes out because I thought for sure I was going to be late for my interview. My mom luckily came over to help me with L and get her ready so that I could make it for my 9AM interview. But one of the questions they asked was about punctuality, and I had to mention that I was late today. I was crushed. I ended up not being late for the interview, but it still messed my whole day up. I didn't get my coffee this morning and I had to rush which always makes me feel crappy. Not to mention all the crying I did this morning so I'm certain I had puffy eyes. Made me feel very undeserving of the job, but I think I still did okay with the interview. We'll see. If I don't get it I am going to ask why not. My dad went to see Chris with L last night again. I was planning on going but I had so much to do at home it just didn't happen. My dad confronted Chris about the letter I received in the mail. He told my dad that he just has a hard time talking to me about anything and that he wants to be able to start taking her by himself. My dad just said something like, you've been gone for 3 years, I'm sure she is just being careful. My dad said it sounded like he was very serious about being in her life now. Which maybe it will be best in the long run, but right now it is all about her and knowing how he used to be, I am not willing to just hand her over to him. So for now I am keeping my guard up. I honestly don't know if I could ever forgive him, but if he actually has changed, and how would I ever know if he has?, but if he has, then I would let L stay with him way way way down the road. It hurts my heart to even think about that, but it's the reality of it all and I will do what is in the best interest of her. J decided to sleep all night last night. That is the other freak thing that happened last night. She finally got to sleep around 10:30 and so I decided to sleep in L's bedroom again, and she didn't wake up until 7:40 this morning! about 9 hours!! That is a new record and I'm guessing just a fluke. The stars did not want me to do well in my interview is what I am guessing. But yay for J for sleeping through the night!! Another milestone. I also decided that I'm going to buy some cereal for her to try too now that she is 4 months old, I think she is ready to give it a try. She seems hungry and I always feel guilty eating in front of her while she watches me with those googly eyes. So my brother hates my dad's girlfriend. Which there are good reasons as to why, but it made Christmas oh- so- much- drama filled. My brother said some pretty ignorant things to her and so she felt the need to now email him a 1 page letter and said some stuff like, "we WILL get married and we WILL start a family" which make her sound pretty crazy. I used to semi-like her. I mean, she is 19 years old so it was very hard to like her at first and the idea is still pretty nuts if you ask me, considering that my father is 56. But. I got used to it and even began liking her okay. Now she had to go and write this nasty email to my brother. I must say that I was astounded and do not appreciate her thinking that she is more important in my dad's life than his own children. She does scare me a little bit and I'm starting to think that she may be a little money hungry. Dad is pretty much brainwashed also because he has said things like, "I'm not getting a pre-nup-Christa will make sure you guys are taken care of". Yeah he's changed since he divorced my mom 3 years ago. He still drives up to see us all the time and really helps me out in so many aspects of my life and is really there for me and my children. But his mindset has changed. He always was quoted saying, "I'm gonna die broke." He has been with his girlfriend well over a year now so it's not as though this is some quick mid-life crisis, it's for real. Just something else that has been on my mind today. I don't know if I should confront my dad about the letter she wrote, or if I should just stay out of it. Right now D has this weight machine he bought on Sunday sitting right in the middle of my kitchen floor. He bought it used for $50 and still hasn't used it once, yet there it sits in my kitchen, in my tiny house, no room at all for it. D had told me it was collapsable and that I wouldn't notice it. I've now stubbed my toe on it about 5 times and it's HUGE. Not to mention the long cord I now have going from my bedroom to the living room so that the internet connection can be hooked up to his x-box. wow he certainly is making my life miserable. I don't like things to be out of place and now I have this huge work out bench and a cord running through my house and it's making me lose my hair. I want them both gone. now. Sometimes I think I want him gone too. It would make my life so much easier. Where did things go wrong? My life is not exactly going to plan. Things are spiraling out of control much faster than I had ever imagined. Maybe I will get this new job position. Maybe that will help me feel better. However, if I don't get the job I need to be cool about it and not let it stress me out too much. My periods are so out of whack right now. I am now back on my thyroid hormone so that is good, it was way off! but I've been having these weird cramps lately that I can not shake. I am SO afraid that I am pregnant. It's another thing I have running through my head right now. I've only had a couple periods since I am still nursing J. The last time I had one seems like it was a long time ago now. I need to call the Dr but I keep putting it off because they are going to make me come in for an office visit and I can not miss any more time from work. Speaking of work. I need to get back to that.

complain much?

Ok I need to get this all out of my system before I literally explode. Chris is a deadbeat and I hate him with my entirety. I probably put too much energy in to hating him. Anyway, I received a letter yesterday that he went to the courts and told them he demands more parenting time with L. Why didn't he just ask me? Well, he did ask me if he could start taking her and I of course said no. So this is probably why. Now the courts are going to get involved and pretty much make my life more of a hell than it already is. Arg. So i am pretty sure that once this gets rolling, they(the courts) can decide to let Chris start taking L overnight? Not sure but I think that's how it works. I am so pissed for this situation. It's my own fault since I'm the one that had the sex then had the baby of this loser, but he does not deserve to be in her life at all. I need to get this all in writing so that I can remember. But he started seeing her November 15th 08-1hour. November 22nd-1hr. November 29th he was a no show. December 6th - 45min. Dec. 13th- brought his sister- 1 hour. December 22nd - did not bring L a christmas gift -45min. December 27- no show. January 3rd - 45 minutes. January 10th - called and siad he was too tired - no show. He agreed upon meeting up with us on saturdays so i'm not sure why he went to the court, but I guess he wants to take her now. After seeing her 6 times and she STILL does not talk about it or even know that he is her dad, yet he wants to start taking her. So now I have to go to court on March 6th and discuss parenting time again. This is such bull shit. I hate myself for ever applying for assistance. Did I mention that I got denied for everything I even applied for so it was a stupid decision yet again made by me. I feel like every decision I make is stupid. I feel like I AM stupid. I just don't feel it's fair that I be dealing with all this stress when he is the one that has been a no show for the 1st 3 years of her life..I am the one that has had to deal with everything and here he comes to now all of a sudden save the day? I can not wrap my head around this at all. And he hasn't changed, I talk to him and it's like he is the same person, I am just now a stronger person. He told me the last time I went to the mall to meet up with him that it looks like I have everything going for me and I seem truly happy. I truly was happy only a couple weeks ago. what the hell happened. I was laying in bed last night and thought that if I do end up dying that I accept that and actually it doesn't sound half bad? I have this fear of death that I've had my whole life, which I am sure everyone has. I have that surgery next month and it makes me think about dying constantly. Plus I've had some abnormal things going on in my body and I automatically think its the worst and that I will die. Yes I suppose that isn't healthy to think like that. Then I called my mom to tell her about this letter and I am saying how it's bullshit and she just says, well that is what is going to happen, he is going to start taking her. I didn't want to hear that, I wanted her to complain with me, I wanted her to support me. She has changed so much and is not the mom I used to have. I feel so alone in this and feel like everyone is against me in this. As if Chris is some great guy and deserves to have L half the time. no no he is an abusive prick that deserves to go to hell. I didn't get my paycheck this week. It is usually in my bank account on Thursday evenings and it's not there. Something else. I got the info in the mail yesterday regarding the surgery. They call it a d&c/cervical laseration..I've never had one before and not even sure what it stands for. my pre-op appt will be 2/9 so I will ask all my questions then, but it does scare me a little bit. My anxiety is spinning out of control again. I would go and see the counselor that I was seeing in years past. I went and saw her back in 02 then in 03 or 04 I stopped seeing her and told her I was OK. I ended up going back to her in 06-07 and then stopped seeing her again and told her she would not be seeing me again because I am fine. How can I go back a third time? I would feel like such a failure. I keep thinking of calling her though. I don't know how much more I can take. I was frusterated with D again too, but then he revived himself and cleaned the whole house and had dinner made when i got out of work last night. How can I be mad at that. He texted me and said he just wants to do whatever he can to make me happy How can he do that? I have never had a guy say that to me before. I didn't even have to answer he already knew ( since he cleaned the house and made dinner ) funny the things that make you happy when you are old and with kids. J slept for 6 hours strait in her crib last night! that was a record! I still sleptin L's room though, it felt nice to get some uninterrupted sleep. I went to the tanner again last night, it was so relaxing. I have a skin check next month though so that is good. I don't plan on tanning too much, just maybe once a week or once every couple weeks. I'm against tanning, but now that I've been depressed, the sunlight I thought could do me some good. Even though it's been my enemy in the past. I feel better just purging all of that out of my system on to this blog. I don't have anything else to say right now.