thinking things over

He wants to try and make things work. Which I knew was going to eventually come about. I am in a spot right now where I have to make a decision and I have no idea what to do. So I choose nothing. I need more time, so I'm not going to make any rash decisions. I think he thinks that this is some quick fix thing, when it's so very much not. I don't know what to do. He came over Saturday and basically started crying because of how bad he feels. We've been texting back and forth quite a bit. The reality of it though, is that I miss him deeply and I think what I had felt for him pre-Sunday was real and something I have never felt for anyone else in the past. The house feels empty without him there. He wants one month to prove/show me that he can be a better man. L has been happier in the house without him there. And I'm not even sure if it's her that's happier, or if it's me, or if I'm paying more attention to her now. I'm finding more time with her. And actually, it's been a lot of fun just being us. But then she goes to bed. and. there I am again, alone, scared. No one is there for me, no one is calling, no one is texting, except for the one that hurt me only one week ago. He wants to be in my life, whereas everyone else has their own lives going on and don't seem to care about mine, except him, he wants to share in my life and be a part of it. blah! I hate that I keep going round and round with this. You'd think it would be an easy answer. But of course not. He wants to show me, and I have no idea if I should give him the chance. He says if I ever take a risk on anything in my life, let it be this. Of course he would say that though, correct? He let me in a little bit by telling me some things of his past. Like how he grew up in a household where his dad was a drunk and beat up his mom all the time. How he used to have to defend his mom. and when he was 18 he threw his dad in to a dresser and hurt him pretty badly. He grew up in a house where his dad duct taped his hands and feet and mouth and threw him in his bedroom for some unknown reason. He vowed never to turn in to his father and that is why to this day he will not touch alcohol. He grew up in a house where his dad would break stuff and even one year threw the Christmas tree and broke all of the ornaments. Grew up in a house where his mom would be the one to come and take the tape off, console him. Okay, so if he doesn't want to turn in to his father, then why is he? Is he capable of reversing the family tradition? Do people ever really change? My mom works in the court system and says, no, people don't change and the fact is, the next time something like this happens, it will be worse. He says he wants to marry me someday, that he wants to grow old with me, help me out more and give me the love and support I deserve. I don't know how to even hear any of it because I was just hurt by him one week ago. This sucks. L misses him so very much. She talks about him all the time, wants him. It's hard to even begin to explain this to a 3 year old. I let him spend the night last night. We stayed up talking until 12am..he started crying again because he started talking about his dead mom and how much he misses her. He never used to even bring her up he feels lost and quite honestly he probably wishes she was here so that he would have somewhere to go. I do feel bad for that reason. Because she sounds like the type that would do anything for him. He keeps saying that he feels lost and just wants his family back. I honestly have no idea what to do here. I'm at a complete loss. So all I'm going to do is wait and let more time pass. At this point, I will let him come over still because he's being a great help right now since he's trying to kiss my butt, so I'm letting him help all he wants. Other than that, no clue. I have court on Thursday with Chris, I have no idea if he is going to show up since I havent heard from him now in over a month. I'm thinking he will come to court though, I have a feeling he was just waiting for court so that he wouldn't have to deal with my dad any more and let the courts decide when and where he sees his kid. I'm not at all prepared for this. I'm scared out of my mind. Not to mention work has me more stressed than ever, I literally broke out in hives this morning. I am on my lunch break right now and want to work, but yet I really needed a break. I absolutely 100% hate my job and it makes it hard to wake up every morning knowing that this is what I have to come and do. I did make friends with a new employee though so that is the upside of things. I didn't really have any friends here before, well I had one and she quit not long ago. I just need to get away so bad! I don't really know how that is going to happen though. Maybe I should make it happen! Not running away, just taking a short weekend getaway.