Today's tidbits

Nothing much is really happening. I didn't get the promotion, but I pretty much expected that to happen, so no sweat. There are a couple other job leads I am looking at in the area too, so maybe sometime soon I can get out of here. People are losing their jobs left and right around here, the economy really is very poor here, I am going to try and save as much as I can from my checks, I may need it in the future. Sad but true. Oh, L and my dad went to Chris' grandparents on Mon. night and he said something to L along the lines of..'I am your dad and I will spank your butt'..oooh I am so pissed about this. I am very against spanking - I know some people do not think spanking is abuse, but I just don't like it. So yes, this really struck a chord with me and my dad intends on writing a letter to the prosecutor to witness this statement he made. I wasn't there, but my dad was. So was Chris' grandma and I guess she commented saying something like, Oh no you will not do that. But OMG I do not understand why or how he thinks he can say this to her! First of all, he is not even a parent to her!!! I was up all night long thinking about this, how can I subject my little girl to this asshole. ugh. I am so flustered with this whole episode!!! I'm not pregnant, Just thought I would throw that in since I was concerned in my last post. I didn't really think I was, but it was in the back of my head. I'm not sure why I'm getting periods this time around, after I had L I didn't get one until I finished breastfeeding. Oh well. I really like that show the Duggars - I don't know why, but I have a little crush on the husband, Jim Bob. I think because he is truley the epitome of what a husband is supposed to be. I want that. I don't think it's too much to ask. I'm not sure if D can give that to me. Basically what it comes down to is respect. I really like how Michelle handles herself, too. She is so mellow. Is she behind the scenes smoking pot or what? She really has a calming about her and it really has been helping me at home. When I get flustered/frusterated I honestly think about her and it helps to calm me down. I mean, if she can be that way with 18 children, then certainly I can handle 2!! Anyway, that's about all that is going on over here. My surgery is in 2 weeks and I'm pretty calm about it. Usually I stress about this kind of thing and have a lot of anxiety, but for some reason I don't think it will be that big of a deal. Plus I will feel like I am on vacation, my mom is letting me stay at her house for the weekend and my dad is taking L for the whole weekend, and so I will have my mom taking care of me and J and she will just bring me J to feed her and see her. I can not wait to be waited on! :) The surgical place said that my surgery is at 8 and I will be able to go home by 10, so that was a relief also. Ok that's all for now.

life

I wish that there was someone who could read a person's blog and then analyze them by reading it. That is what everyone wants. Someone who can understand them, figure them out, and then tell them what their strengths and falters are. I had an interview this morning for a management position. It was me and 4 others who applied. I thought I had a strong chance, but at the end of the interview he told me. " don't be discouraged if you do not get this position." Which, in turn, discouraged me. I woke up late today. My interview was at 9:00AM, I have to be to work at 8:00AM. I woke up at 7:40AM. How this happened I will never know, but how frusterating. I was crying my eyes out because I thought for sure I was going to be late for my interview. My mom luckily came over to help me with L and get her ready so that I could make it for my 9AM interview. But one of the questions they asked was about punctuality, and I had to mention that I was late today. I was crushed. I ended up not being late for the interview, but it still messed my whole day up. I didn't get my coffee this morning and I had to rush which always makes me feel crappy. Not to mention all the crying I did this morning so I'm certain I had puffy eyes. Made me feel very undeserving of the job, but I think I still did okay with the interview. We'll see. If I don't get it I am going to ask why not. My dad went to see Chris with L last night again. I was planning on going but I had so much to do at home it just didn't happen. My dad confronted Chris about the letter I received in the mail. He told my dad that he just has a hard time talking to me about anything and that he wants to be able to start taking her by himself. My dad just said something like, you've been gone for 3 years, I'm sure she is just being careful. My dad said it sounded like he was very serious about being in her life now. Which maybe it will be best in the long run, but right now it is all about her and knowing how he used to be, I am not willing to just hand her over to him. So for now I am keeping my guard up. I honestly don't know if I could ever forgive him, but if he actually has changed, and how would I ever know if he has?, but if he has, then I would let L stay with him way way way down the road. It hurts my heart to even think about that, but it's the reality of it all and I will do what is in the best interest of her. J decided to sleep all night last night. That is the other freak thing that happened last night. She finally got to sleep around 10:30 and so I decided to sleep in L's bedroom again, and she didn't wake up until 7:40 this morning! about 9 hours!! That is a new record and I'm guessing just a fluke. The stars did not want me to do well in my interview is what I am guessing. But yay for J for sleeping through the night!! Another milestone. I also decided that I'm going to buy some cereal for her to try too now that she is 4 months old, I think she is ready to give it a try. She seems hungry and I always feel guilty eating in front of her while she watches me with those googly eyes. So my brother hates my dad's girlfriend. Which there are good reasons as to why, but it made Christmas oh- so- much- drama filled. My brother said some pretty ignorant things to her and so she felt the need to now email him a 1 page letter and said some stuff like, "we WILL get married and we WILL start a family" which make her sound pretty crazy. I used to semi-like her. I mean, she is 19 years old so it was very hard to like her at first and the idea is still pretty nuts if you ask me, considering that my father is 56. But. I got used to it and even began liking her okay. Now she had to go and write this nasty email to my brother. I must say that I was astounded and do not appreciate her thinking that she is more important in my dad's life than his own children. She does scare me a little bit and I'm starting to think that she may be a little money hungry. Dad is pretty much brainwashed also because he has said things like, "I'm not getting a pre-nup-Christa will make sure you guys are taken care of". Yeah he's changed since he divorced my mom 3 years ago. He still drives up to see us all the time and really helps me out in so many aspects of my life and is really there for me and my children. But his mindset has changed. He always was quoted saying, "I'm gonna die broke." He has been with his girlfriend well over a year now so it's not as though this is some quick mid-life crisis, it's for real. Just something else that has been on my mind today. I don't know if I should confront my dad about the letter she wrote, or if I should just stay out of it. Right now D has this weight machine he bought on Sunday sitting right in the middle of my kitchen floor. He bought it used for $50 and still hasn't used it once, yet there it sits in my kitchen, in my tiny house, no room at all for it. D had told me it was collapsable and that I wouldn't notice it. I've now stubbed my toe on it about 5 times and it's HUGE. Not to mention the long cord I now have going from my bedroom to the living room so that the internet connection can be hooked up to his x-box. wow he certainly is making my life miserable. I don't like things to be out of place and now I have this huge work out bench and a cord running through my house and it's making me lose my hair. I want them both gone. now. Sometimes I think I want him gone too. It would make my life so much easier. Where did things go wrong? My life is not exactly going to plan. Things are spiraling out of control much faster than I had ever imagined. Maybe I will get this new job position. Maybe that will help me feel better. However, if I don't get the job I need to be cool about it and not let it stress me out too much. My periods are so out of whack right now. I am now back on my thyroid hormone so that is good, it was way off! but I've been having these weird cramps lately that I can not shake. I am SO afraid that I am pregnant. It's another thing I have running through my head right now. I've only had a couple periods since I am still nursing J. The last time I had one seems like it was a long time ago now. I need to call the Dr but I keep putting it off because they are going to make me come in for an office visit and I can not miss any more time from work. Speaking of work. I need to get back to that.

complain much?

Ok I need to get this all out of my system before I literally explode. Chris is a deadbeat and I hate him with my entirety. I probably put too much energy in to hating him. Anyway, I received a letter yesterday that he went to the courts and told them he demands more parenting time with L. Why didn't he just ask me? Well, he did ask me if he could start taking her and I of course said no. So this is probably why. Now the courts are going to get involved and pretty much make my life more of a hell than it already is. Arg. So i am pretty sure that once this gets rolling, they(the courts) can decide to let Chris start taking L overnight? Not sure but I think that's how it works. I am so pissed for this situation. It's my own fault since I'm the one that had the sex then had the baby of this loser, but he does not deserve to be in her life at all. I need to get this all in writing so that I can remember. But he started seeing her November 15th 08-1hour. November 22nd-1hr. November 29th he was a no show. December 6th - 45min. Dec. 13th- brought his sister- 1 hour. December 22nd - did not bring L a christmas gift -45min. December 27- no show. January 3rd - 45 minutes. January 10th - called and siad he was too tired - no show. He agreed upon meeting up with us on saturdays so i'm not sure why he went to the court, but I guess he wants to take her now. After seeing her 6 times and she STILL does not talk about it or even know that he is her dad, yet he wants to start taking her. So now I have to go to court on March 6th and discuss parenting time again. This is such bull shit. I hate myself for ever applying for assistance. Did I mention that I got denied for everything I even applied for so it was a stupid decision yet again made by me. I feel like every decision I make is stupid. I feel like I AM stupid. I just don't feel it's fair that I be dealing with all this stress when he is the one that has been a no show for the 1st 3 years of her life..I am the one that has had to deal with everything and here he comes to now all of a sudden save the day? I can not wrap my head around this at all. And he hasn't changed, I talk to him and it's like he is the same person, I am just now a stronger person. He told me the last time I went to the mall to meet up with him that it looks like I have everything going for me and I seem truly happy. I truly was happy only a couple weeks ago. what the hell happened. I was laying in bed last night and thought that if I do end up dying that I accept that and actually it doesn't sound half bad? I have this fear of death that I've had my whole life, which I am sure everyone has. I have that surgery next month and it makes me think about dying constantly. Plus I've had some abnormal things going on in my body and I automatically think its the worst and that I will die. Yes I suppose that isn't healthy to think like that. Then I called my mom to tell her about this letter and I am saying how it's bullshit and she just says, well that is what is going to happen, he is going to start taking her. I didn't want to hear that, I wanted her to complain with me, I wanted her to support me. She has changed so much and is not the mom I used to have. I feel so alone in this and feel like everyone is against me in this. As if Chris is some great guy and deserves to have L half the time. no no he is an abusive prick that deserves to go to hell. I didn't get my paycheck this week. It is usually in my bank account on Thursday evenings and it's not there. Something else. I got the info in the mail yesterday regarding the surgery. They call it a d&c/cervical laseration..I've never had one before and not even sure what it stands for. my pre-op appt will be 2/9 so I will ask all my questions then, but it does scare me a little bit. My anxiety is spinning out of control again. I would go and see the counselor that I was seeing in years past. I went and saw her back in 02 then in 03 or 04 I stopped seeing her and told her I was OK. I ended up going back to her in 06-07 and then stopped seeing her again and told her she would not be seeing me again because I am fine. How can I go back a third time? I would feel like such a failure. I keep thinking of calling her though. I don't know how much more I can take. I was frusterated with D again too, but then he revived himself and cleaned the whole house and had dinner made when i got out of work last night. How can I be mad at that. He texted me and said he just wants to do whatever he can to make me happy How can he do that? I have never had a guy say that to me before. I didn't even have to answer he already knew ( since he cleaned the house and made dinner ) funny the things that make you happy when you are old and with kids. J slept for 6 hours strait in her crib last night! that was a record! I still sleptin L's room though, it felt nice to get some uninterrupted sleep. I went to the tanner again last night, it was so relaxing. I have a skin check next month though so that is good. I don't plan on tanning too much, just maybe once a week or once every couple weeks. I'm against tanning, but now that I've been depressed, the sunlight I thought could do me some good. Even though it's been my enemy in the past. I feel better just purging all of that out of my system on to this blog. I don't have anything else to say right now.

It's cold out

I decided that I needed to talk things out with D and start getting the help that I desperately need. So basically I told him that if he doesn't start helping more then I'm done. I told him that it's hard for me to love someone that is not in this equally with me. It was hard to say the things I said, but I got it out. We are both really shy so I think it's hard for either of us to bring up any issues. He didn't really say too much, but he did show me things. He started helping more this weekend, and gave me a break. I went tanning on Saturday, I hadn't been to the tanner in about 6 years. It felt good and I really needed the sun light, thought maybe I was having some winter blues, so that helped me feel better. My friend has the Wii Fit so I played on that also this weekend and it made me feel good to get my body moving again. My other friend and I are going to do a bootcamp class Feb. 19th to help whip us in to shape. I am still up 30lbs since the pregnancy. I am at 209lbs which is completely unacceptable! The weight gain, crappy diet, no energy, lack of sleep, lack of thyroid meds, dealing with baby and 3 year old, yeah enough to make me feel extremely yucky and dark. Chris didn't come and see L this weekend. He said he was working late on Friday night and was too tired. So I guess he is working, but I still haven't seen any child support? Oh well. Nice excuse for him not to show up. I guess at least he called 1 hour before we were supposed to meet up with him. I have insurance again finally! I have about 5 appointments I need to make now! Surgery scheduled for cervical cone biopsy thing. Teeth cleaning. Endocrinologist. Dermatologist. Eye Doc. Yeah, I'm a little behind on everything, luckily I have already acrued some vacation time through my job. So D's ex wife is pregnant. A's mom. I guess she is 3 months along already. Not really sure how I feel about it. I guess it's no big deal. Just a lot for A to deal with. Then L will probably be jealous when A is talking about her new sibling and L doesn't even get to see them. Or maybe it won't even be a big deal at all. We shall see. L has been doing better behaviorial wise. My mom is the one who pointed out that when L eats fruit snacks(or basically anything with red dye in it) that is when she acts out the worst. So I have really tried limiting that in her diet and I've noticed a drastic change. Maybe it is just coincidence and maybe this phase in her life is just ending, but she has been a breeze lately and I've found things going much more smoothly in that area. I need to thank my mom's co-worker for this one for mentioning the red dye thing. I would have NEVER thought of that! And I will leave you with a funny(not ha-ha) work story. I work where clients have to be in classrooms everyday for a certain amount of hours so long as they want their welfare checks. Well, we had 2 girls and 1 guy in the class and both girls were pregnant by the 1 guy. All 3 of them were in the class. The cops ended up getting called because the 2 girls were fighting pretty bad. I work in a really bad area of town. Yes, this is where I work. Jerry Springer. This is not unusual either, that is the sad thing. I feel mostly for the children. And then these kids are kids themselves. It's hard to see such horrible cases. I'm applying for a management position that just opened up so I'm kinda excited to see if I get it.

new year. same stuff.

Well, so far 2009 is not really how I imagined it to be, but I can't complain. I really have quite a few things that I would like to accomplish this year. The first one being, LOSE WEIGHT. I am gaining so much weight and I know it's my own fault. I'm going to by a scale with my next paycheck so that I can start keeping track. I gain weight extremely fast and lose weight extremely slow. I am guessing I am about 215lbs right now just based on how I feel. yuck. I have an eating problem, I like to do it. I can't eat small portions. I binge. I eat at night. I eat when I'm bored. The only time I don't eat, is at work, since I can restrict what I bring in. I have no time to exercise. I need to find some time to squeeze something in, whether it is just a walk around my block or something. I don't have any time after work right now since J doesn't go to sleep until 11-12am and by that time I'm overexhausted and pass out. It would be fine if she was awake and sitting happily in her swing or bouncer, but nope. She needs to be held constantly or else she is screaming. Being held for her does not mean sitting still either, she wants to be standing up or moving around, she is full of motion. I could wake up early to exercise, but I already awake at 5:30am and after going to bed at midnight, that is the absolute latest I can wake up and still make it on time for work. So for sure once spring starts to arrive we will be walking here at work again 20-30 minutes a day so I will at least have that going for me, but in the meantime I need to get moving. I plan to lose at least 40lbs this year. I can do this. The other thing I need to accomplish this year is to GET ORGANIZED. I bought a planner so that will help a little bit. I forget everything unless I write it down. I will go to the store and literally forgot why I was there unless it's written down. I'm a scatterbrain, I will admit it. I need to organize my house too. I got some shelves to help me do this. This is something that I think can actually be accomplished. Thirdly is that I need to get a handle on my STRESS in my life and start taking charge. I need to relax and stop taking things out on other people, especially L. BE NICE. I also need to be nicer to A(d's daughter). I hate the fact that I do not like her and I need to find some way to find peace with it and move on and just love her like my own, but right now I am finding that so difficult. I guess that is it for now. I have a lot of faults and I really need to find a way to correct them. My money situation right now is actually not a stress in my life for once in my life so that makes me happy. I also have no health issues that I know of at the moment. Although I do have that surgery coming up whenever my insurance gets straitened out and I need my thyroid to be taken care of also. I stopped taking that medication when J was born and I can really tell a difference. My insurance is not effective yet even though they are taking it out of my paychecks. Nothing seems to ever go right for me when it comes to paperwork, although there I go again sounding like a victim of life. I need to stop that. I have only received 2 payments from Chris for child support for L. He has no job and I guess he broke up with his fiance. My dad took L to go and see Chris this past weekend and I did not attend. My dad also took his 19 year old girlfriend with him and she was giving Chris the 3rd degree I guess. Asking him tons of questions, for example, what are your intentions with L, do you smoke in your house and car? you just started seeing L, why is that? Where have you been? He answered that he intends to start taking L every other weekend and he doesn't want to have to see it go to court. He blamed me for everything, as usual and said it was stubborness on both sides as to why he hasn't been around. Yeah I guess I was being stubborn in that I did nothing? Who knows. He is such slime. Dad's girlfriend called him a scumbag. I really know how to pickem I guess. Although L came out of it, so I can be thankful for that much! Chris said he will call me as to where we are meeting next time. We've been meeting in the same spot for the past 5 weeks now, but whatever. I wonder if he will disappear again? I can only hope that he steps up to the plate, but so far, he's the same ol' Chris and up to his same ol' tricks. He never did bring L a Christmas present. Talk about father of the year. D has been okay. I get upset over stupid things, but I think they are legit. I need to stop bitching so much, but it really has been coming naturally for me. I miss romance. I miss the feelings that I had for him in the past. Now I just want to make it through the day without jabbing him in the eye with a fork. Ok I am exaggerating, but seriously, the romance has left the building. He still will stop to hug me and he pays all sorts of attention to me, but I don't act the same way, I am being standoff-ish and I don't like it. I want to be the same, but it's hard when all I do is go to work and then work even harder when I get home. I am having a hard time pushing myself through the days. I need change. From the moment I wake up I am go go go. I look forward to my 10 minutes in the morning to drink my coffee just because it's quiet. And that's only if L didn't hear me wake up. She has been coming in to our room and sleeping on the floor so I pretty much step on her every morning. Work is also my quiet time. Which is sad. I do understand that I had kids so I chose this life path, but it just seems like something is missing or maybe I am just not getting the help that I so desperately need from D. My mom does nothing for us anymore. I think it is her bf or maybe she just does not like D. I am not sure, but she is so extremely distant and has told me repeatedly that she will not babysit both of them at the same time, ever. thanks mom! My dad has been a lifesavor and even offered to babysit for us on NYE. We already had plans to have a couple friends to our house to play board games so we didn't need him, but still that was very awesome for him to offer like that. I can't' say my mom does nothing because she does help me out with stuff if I need help financially, I really appreciate that but I also need emotional support and she offers none. She is so cold to me these days, unless it pertains to L. My favorite aunt in the world has also given me the cold shoulder lately. Seems like ever since I have been with D she has disappeared out of my life. We used to be so close and I have tried numerous times to stay close to her and she keep pushing. I hate it and it makes me feel so alone. Then D trys but does not give me the help I need so it makes me feel like I'm drowning. I get home from work and am literally on my feet until I go to sleep, all the while D is sitting his ass on the recliner playing his xbox. Makes me want to throw up half the time because I'm so pissed off. He will hold J once in a while and make funny faces at her and play with her, but he doesn't do any of the work. I'm just the feeding tube for J and I feel like I am not getting to connect with her as I did with L. My mom helped me so much more when I was living at her house with L. I see now how much she did to help us and now I'm getting that thrown in my face and it's really not fair to J or me. I want a vacation.