thoughts upon thoughts

I was worried for nothing. Which seems to be the story of my life. Not that I'm complaining, but they had me so worried about this aortic stenosis and now today at my appointment told me that it's not cause for concern. Well couldn't they have called and told me this??? I dunno. So looks like this labor and delivery will be able to be natural like the last time. Baby is fine too, they monitored her and everything looks good and normal. yay. D can't get his cdl license now until 2010 because of his license being suspended a few years ago, so he is pretty depressed about that. Seems like he keeps getting dead ends with the job department. He was supposed to get a job with my dad's company but that is not happening either yet so who knows. I just want him to get a nice job, but here in MI that is almost next to impossible! grrr. His group of friends were over the other day and they didn't end up going to the shed, so I'm wondering if he talked to them? Hopefully! We've been doing pretty good now. Not much going on. The weather right now is freezing, it was 50 this morning and we had to get the coats back out. ugh. I just want summer to start!!! Oh we had a really bad thunderstorm this weekend and the house across the street had a tree land on it and it demolished the house!! We had gotten a brand new glass patio table from my aunt for the deck and it got shattered from the wind lifting it up and throwing it. I was upset since we had just gotten the table about 8 hours before the storm. My aunt went and bought us a new one though, so that was awesome. The storm also threw the gutter off my house too. They were saying tornado, but that never happened, I was so afraid. Glad that's over with! My insurance guy....sigh...I think he is Ridiculous!!!! The bank sent me a letter saying they need proof of insurance(on the house) and so I asked him to fax it to them, no big deal, WRONG. He STILL hasn't faxed it and it's been 2 weeks, then when I call him about it he says sometimes that happens and he will mail it. Nope, he never mailed it. Now he's saying he doesn't have a copy of the policy because it can take 30 days to get it? WTF? I want a copy of the damn policy!!!!! If I don't get a copy in the next couple weeks I'm changing insurance. Don't know how hard that is to do. Oh so he said he'd get me a letter for the bank to get them off my back. I just don't think I like this guy, he doesn't seem to be serious at all about his job. When I asked what I owed him he said, oh just throw me $50 for now, and I'll catch up with you later..who does that? Anyway, I am not sure what else to type about. I think I have writers block.

Lots, but nothing, seems to be on my mind lately. I feel like a giant ball of anxiety, yet can't exactly pinpoint my fears. When I was younger it was much easier, I was afraid of everything. If I was playing outside and a jet flew overhead, I would run in the house and into the basement. I was scared of aliens coming to get me while I slept. Scared of fire, dogs, burgelors, thunderstorms, tornadoes, fireworks, death, yep, everything. I grew out of most of those fears, although I still am obsessive about keeping my doors locked at night. Mainly because of np, because I fear him and the obvious kidnapping scarey way of thinking thing. Now when older though, it is harder for me to determine what exactly it is I'm afraid of..except for the obvious np thing. I think right now what scares me the most is the unknown, and that is because I just sat here and pondered on what I actually am afraid of. Maybe that is why people believe in God? So that they can put all their fears on to someone/thing else and they themselves then do not have to worry. Seems like whenever I am troubled it is then I am like, oh yeah, God. I'm not very spiritual these days. God has always been a part of my life, but He comes and goes. I'm scared of not knowing what is up with my health right now. It's June already and I have to deliver this baby sometime in the next few months and that scares me too. I don't want to, I know that is stupid since there is no going back now, but I am still traumatized from the last L&D that I don't think I've gotten over it yet. Yes, I get flashbacks and yes, it was the worst torture of my life. Not saying I wouldn't go through it all again for little L, because I wouldn't in a flash, but it was no picnic. Now I have this heart condition, and I hate that. I am so scared. What if I don't live to see my babies grow? What if I die in a year or 5 or 10? or during childbirth? I want to see my kids live and not being able to do that, well, I guess I'd be dead so at that point I wouldn't care anymore, but right now it's a big fear. I guess if you dwell on death though then you can't really live so no point in it right now. I'm just afraid thaat my heart is now weakened forever. I can't wait for my appointment on June 18th so I can find out more information on this shit. I feel like I know nothing. besides the maybes of it all. At least I can say that my baby is perfectly healthy and it's me that isn't..that brings a peace to it all. I haven't been doing too much these days. Yesterday L and I stayed the night at my mom's house because D was painting and I did not want us around the fumes. I felt so rested this morning, must be because my mom was around to help out with L last night and I could semi relax. Np called me the other day..just saying that he wanted me to call him back. Actually it was a text message, but then after I didn't respond he then proceeded to call. I had my phone number changed. I don't care. I have nothing to say to him. It's been 3 years and whatever you may want/need, you can go through the courts now if you have something to say to me. Nothing you say will ever EVER get me to forgive you. I told D about it and he said I did the right thing. I wish D would just adopt L. It would make life so much simpler because then we could all have the same last name. D I hope is okay with me giving this new baby my last name. It makes the most senes since L has my last name and with school and everything it will just be easier. He and I are getting along, well, okay. We both get frusterated with the other pretty quickly it seems. Although his reasons are always so selfish and childish. He asked me to pick him up a milkshake the other night after church and I didn't because it was way past L's bedtime and she was cranky as all hell, well I got home and he was crabby and was just like, I wish you woulda brought me a milkshake. OMG I was livid. He was just sitting around playing video games while I had to go to church to see my friend get confirmed and it was HELL because L was a total nightmare. Not to mention it was about 100 degrees in there. I have to give him credit though, the other night I had such bad heart burn he went out to the store at 12am to get me some tums. And he painted the whole house. And he brings me stuff to drink when I'm laying on the couch. He does have a good side, it's just that the good things usually don't get talked about, unfortunately. He is sticking with me and it makes me happy. He is probably going to be getting a job at my dad's company, the one that np worked for until he got fired a couple months ago. He's working on getting his CDL right now so that he can get hired, I'm proud of him for working so hard to get a better paying job to help support his family. Here's to hoping. I also get annoyed when he has his friends/cousin over all the fucking time. His cousin Dan is the most annoying person in the world and he's at my house all the time. He's a loser too, no job, no nothing, besides a pest. But he's D's best friend so I tolerated it the first couple times. Now Dan is bringing more and more people with him every time and they are all stoners..they go out to the shed to smoke. The last time I told D it's not allowed on the premises and he still did it and disrespected my wishes, we fought. Then it happened again so I said, that's IT, the next time you are all out in the shed I will go out and make a big scene about it I do not even care. It hasn't happened since, well when I've been home. But I HATE when there are a ton of people in my house that I don't know. It's my house too and it's a FAMILY oriented house not some god damn Dorm room. I really am pissed off about the situation and I hope once I make a big scene about the pot smoke outside they will slowly stop coming over. It is not something that L should be around either, a bunch of potheads sitting around playing video games day in and day out. NO way is that going to happen. UGh. I will call the cops if it happens again after the next time. I wouldnt even hesitate. Anyways, I think I will be going out with co-workers this Friday hopefully for dinner and a movie. I need a sitter, but I'm working on that now. A night away will do me some good. Actually last night was nice not having to deal with D or any of that and just chilling at my mom's house. Just got off the phone with my mom and she agreed to watch L on Friday! woo hoo! She said she doesn't have a bf anymore so why not. Her boyfriend and her fight about as much as D and i , but they don't have a reason to try and hold it together so they break up frequently, I have a feeling they will be back together by Friday but by then it will be too late to tell me she can't babysit, or I guess she still might do that, I'm not going to hold my breath for a sitter I guess. Baby is sitting or kicking right on my bladder these days so I'm outta here to pee for the millionth time today!

aortic stenosis

I got diagnosed with Aortic Stenosis this week. I have no idea really what it even is..just something with my heart. I have had a heart murmur since birth and it was never really an issue. I went to a specialist when I was about 6 and that was it..they said it was mild and that I could still play sports and do everything a normal kid can do. end of story. I had an echo done about 3 years ago only because I was having some chest pains and it came back fine..it's a weird murmur my dr. said, but still not harmful to me. Now I just had another echo a couple weeks ago because my ob recomended it to make sure I need to be hooked to an IV durning labor and delivery. Well the results came back and they say yes I for sure will need the IV of antibiotics and that I have something called Aortic Stenosis. He then proceeds to tell me that this is not good in pregnancy and that women that have this usually need a c-section or forceps for delivery because I am not supposed to push. ( or else I could die!? ) So then I proceeded to say, well I've had a normal delivery in the past and he was like, oh well that makes me feel a lot better, blah blah...I'm just like, yeah you are the one that delivered my first baby! Then he says he's going to talk to the cardiologist again and let them know that i have already had a natural child birth once. My next appointment is June 18th and he is supposed to be giving me more answers at that time, so he better! I am a little freaked out.. Oh then just before I was going to leave he's like, this is a fatal thing, about 1/4 survival rate!! oh geez, thanks doc. SO I'm a bit freaked out and can't wait to just get more results. He also said something about valve replacement surgery and some ultrasound where they would need to knock me out for it cuz they go in through your mouth or something. I think I'd get a second opinion before doing anything like that! I've come to the realization that if anything can go wrong this time around, it's going to. Things with D are about the same. We fight, then we are okay again, then we fight and are okay again. It was never like this prepregnancy so who knows. I'm chalking it up to my being pregnant right now. Sometimes I feel like he just doesn't respect me enough though..maybe I do deserve better? I don't know. my feelings and emotions are so mixed and I honestly don't know how i feel right now. I hope that when the baby gets here he actually helps me out a little more..I'm sure that will be the determining factor of this relationship. The money thing is a huge strain on us right now. I knew going in to this that he didn't have a lot of money though so I should just shut up about it, but it's hard sometimes. His daughter just turned 6 so this weekend we are having cupcakes at our house with his aunt and uncle coming over. I'm going to buy a blow up pool too so that the girls can swim a little bit, it's going to be 90 this weekend so we need to be prepared. thank goodness for Central air...ahhhhhhh. Well, time to get back to work!