There are no words

I'm not sure how to even put in to words how I am feeling today. A love/hate thing is definitley tugging at my heart and it's making it so difficult to decide or think about anything. Friday we ended up not having to work due to the power being out, so that was wonderful! I got a day off and I had no plans, no sick kids, I wasn't sick, the kids were at day care..wow, what a wonderful treat! I got soooooo much done that I've been wanting to get done. But back to Thursday. I had court with Chris on Thursday re: he wanted more parenting time. He showed up, which is surprising since I hadn't heard from him since 1/25/09. To my surprise he is living in PA with his sister and is getting his G.E.D. and looking for a job. What a winner he is! So the judge guy said something like, "I just don't understand how you could be gone from your child's life for 3 years, I have kids and it just doesn't make any sense to me." so that was cool! He started saying all of these lies, such as, well everytime I would call Jill she seemed to be busy, etc. or my personal fave. she wouldn't let me see L. So I set the record strait. Chris was being so immature and everything I said he would start to argue with me. God, what the hell was I thinking ever looking eyes at him, ew, I was discusted so much by him, and so many times I just wanted to reach across that table and strangle him! ugh. The result of the hearing is that Chris needs to take parenting classes and continue now with court-ordered supervised visits. So now, Chris said he felt like a criminal every time he visited with his daughter since he couldn't take her by himself. I wonder how he will feel now that the court will be supervising also! What an idiot that he thought that this meeting would allow for him to take his daughter whenever he wants. yuck. Oh and he wants to take her one weekend a month, said he will be driving back to town about 1 weekend a month and would like to have his daughter that weekend. Ok. end of that story. Makes me sick, but nothing I can do about it. Gotta love that he's still not working! Now on to the D situation. I still don't know what I am doing. He is being so perfect and sweet and I just have no idea what to do. I love him, that is for sure a fact. and the truth is, he seems to have changed. I know they say that men don't change and it will probably just get bad again. But he just seems so different. Like a light has been turned on inside for him. So we'll see. He knows that he's still on probation and we are just seeing where things will go from here. He's been staying at my house though. That, I think, is a little too soon, but I don't know what else to do. He doesn't have any place else to go so I'm letting him stay with me. My mom is obviously not happy and wants him out of my house. She is not happy and I hate that. I just want things to be perfect. Oh and get this. He asked me to marry him! I just said something like, how dare you ask me that, and of course said NO! I don't have any idea why he would do that now, what shitty timing! He's obviously scared of losing me though. He is willing to do anything to be with me he said. He's even going to quit smoking. I really hope I don't sound like one of those stupid girls that stay with the abuser. He honestly has never physically hurt me, but yes, did hold me hostage in my own home., but he feels really bad and remorseful and said he's so happy that I'm even talking to him right now. God, I really hope I'm doing the right thing by even talking to him. He's been super with L right now too. She is so happy with him there. She really missed him a lot. Maybe in this instance it's okay for me to hear him out and have him show me how he's changed. I'm usually a really good judge of character and can read people pretty well. Know when someone is lying, etc. With Chris is was a no question type of deal. He'd be mean to me, and I'd try to be nice to him and he'd just be meaner. So I finally just said get out. He never tried to reform, never cared, was just a flat out jerk, no excuses. I put up with it until I was prego with L and he physically hurt me while pregnant, there was NO way he was going to hurt my baby again, so I kicked him out. I am not sure what would of happened had I not gotten prego. I think I would have wised up eventually. Who knows. I didn't love him though. I know that and even knew it back then. I didnt miss him at all. I missed having someone there, but didn't miss him. Why I even ever hooked up with him in the first place will always haunt me, I didn't like him when i met him! I guess I can just say that L is the whole reason for that and then just wash my hands of it. I just hate that L has to be subjected to him. ugh. D looks like a saint in comparison. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I think even if people, such as my mom, told me to run away, I'd still try to work things out with him. He is the love of my life, it's hard to just walk away from it and not try a little bit anyways. If he fucks up at all, he knows it's over. So I just don't see anything like that happening. blah.