girl girl girl girl girl

I found out on Weds that this mystery baby is a girl! Awe! I am so thrilled, my motherly guy was telling me it was a girl and I was right! With L, I thought the whole time that she was a he, and I was wrong, so I think the theory about motherly intuition is kinda bullshit. Anyway, I am excited. I never had the opportunity to have a sister and here now L gets to have a sister, how wonderful. A brother would have been wonderful too, but I just don't have the greatest connection with my own brother myself. So who knows. I just know I'm happy. D on the other hand, is depressed. He wants to have another kid right away after this one now. I just smile and say you are crazy. Yeah right! One day he will have his boy, I want lots of children and I want them with him, but not right away after this one. We are not financially stable enough! Anyway, we move this weekend. Starting tomorrow! I'm nervous. We are going to go to Home Depot tonight to look at paint for the bedrooms, then finish packing up the apartment to get it all ready for tomorrow. D's uncle has a big truck we are going to use. I got my address changed now on everything I hope..Just nervous that I won't receive my stimulus rebate check from the gov't because of moving, but we'll see. That will be nice. D has been really great lately. Helping me so much with the move, he painted the whole living room already. cool. He's just really stepping up to the plate here and it's odd. He came with me to the ultrasound, which was a wonderment in itself. Not that he wouldn't do that, but it was just weird. With L I had my mom with me and who knows where the father was at. Probably wasted in the bar. It was just nice to say the least to have D a part of it. Even though he was disappointed and asked the Dr if he could put a penis on the kid..the Dr didn't laugh or react to that at all. poor D. D's ex wife knows we are pregnant too now. I guess D's daughter told her, which is odd because we didn't not tell his daughter yet that I'm pregnant, so she must of just figured it out on her own. weird. Or we said something about the baby, she never even asked us about it though. I find that odd. His ex doesn't seem to care though so that is good..the less drama the better in my opinion. She just said congrats apparently. Well, work is almost closing for the day so I better end this now....

feelin' fine.

Today I feel good. I am relaxed and feel at peace. I have no idea why or how since the past few months I have felt like one giant ball of anxiety. But today I am feeling terrific. I am treasuring this moment. I got the keys to my new house today. I am more than excited! A little scared too, but mainly excited. This weekend we got a ton of packing done so that is good. Just have a few necessities to pack up yet. It's really happening. My mom is paying to have our new carpets cleaned so the carpet guy comes on Wednesday. I need to get my address changed with the post office. Tonight we are going over to start cleaning, washing walls, scrubbing cupboards and toilets :) should be fun! Then this weekend will be moving day - how very exciting. I am happy we are getting to move in a bit early, therefore the transistion for L should be a little easier. Not to mention for me too, I am leary of change. I am also leary of having D move in with us, but we will just do it and go from there. It's like I'm his landlord anyways so I can always kick him out later if need be. We are getting along okay right now. Better than before. I feel calm with him. I don't feel so much hatred like I did with Chris. I hated Chris. We knew we were not going to last. With D, I feel like there is hope, like maybe things won't get fucked up. He is not a fighter so that is good too. He is so laid back and will always just leave if I start getting too stupid. He has helped me to calm down some too and realize that I don't need to start stupid little fights all the time. Choose your battles. Or so I've heard. I have to jump through so many hoops to get my FMLA all set up through work. They didn't tell me that I needed to get paperwork in within 15 days of our phone call, what BS. It's almost as if my work likes to screw me over. I hate working here. Anyways, I should have it all filled out within 15 days. I wish I knew more about FMLA and short term disability and all that crap because I feel so blind going in to this. Oh well heres hoping that my hr guy will inform me, but yeah right. Other than that, smooth sailing right? The baby is really moving around a lot these days. I have an appetite again. A big one. and we find out what we are having on Wednesday! 2 more days! at 2:00. I am really looking forward to it. I'm nervous. D is going to pick me up from work and then we are gonna go. It's weird saying "we" this time around. Last time I didn't have the support of someone. Last time I moved I was 9 months pregnant and alone. It brings tears to my eyes to know that I have someone this time and know that they are excited. I really appreciate him so much more than I probably would if I would of had somebody last time. He doesn't even realize that his mere presence means the world to me. He doesn't realize that the little things he does like even touching my belly means the world to me. He doesn't realize that when he talks about the future of us and our family means the world to me. It chokes me up to have a somebody this time around. I know I bitch about him a lot, but I really do love him and am so grateful to have him in our lives. I'm sure there will be more bitching to come, since I am a woman, but this is my outlet for the bitching. At least if I do it here I won't(maybe) do it at home. I just feel so good right now, I never want this feeling to leave me. It's a feeling of relaxation like everything is going to be allright. Maybe it's because I got the keys to the new house today. It's the greatest feeling. I just want to jump up and down, of course doing that would probably give me cramps. Stacie will probably come over tonight to help clean. I hope so. I miss her. 50 more minutes and I'll be out of work and to the new house to clean. I can't wait. L seems excited about the new place, I can't wait to show her her new room that she's been so geeked up about! I just bought a mobile home and yet for some reason, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world today.

spinning thoughts

My belly is really getting huge. I am so surprised how big I look already! My boobs are also enoromous. I am so desperate for a bigger bra, the ones I have are just not working! There is nothing really going on right now. D and I still fight non-stop it seems like. It really sucks. He just always seems to tell me how ignorant I am or why am I being like that and all I do is bitch and complain. I'm SICK of hearing that everyday..it's not good for me. And the other night I could tell he had smoked and when I called him on it he lied to me. I know when he has smoked. Not that it even bothered me because i know it's hard to quit, but why did he have to lie to me, that was my biggest fear. How am I supposed to trust him when he's lying to me? Anyway, then last night my aunt called last minute and invited L and I over for dinner, so we went right there after work. Well, I didn't know D was even at my house and apparently waiting for me to get home. So when we did get home he was in a bad mood cuz he hadn't eaten dinner and was waiting 2 hours for us. ugh. I can't help it that his phone still is disconnected because he'd rather buy surround sound speakers than pay his damn bill. I'm not complaining about the speakers because I think they are cool, but c'mon! We need money for this baby and for our new house and we really can't be wasting it on stuff for ourselves..I wish he knew how to save money, but nope, if he has $10 he spends it..if he has $100 it's gone. I HATE it! I don't know what I can do or say to change that. I told him he needs to start giving me some money, but he doesn't say ANYTHING. I just don't know how this is going to work, him and I. I just don't see it working. He's a good guy and means well, but I just don't think we can get along seriously. We fight too much and it's not good for either of us to be miserable. I am miserable. There I said it. I just feel like shit half the time when he's not in a good mood, it puts me in a bad mood. I miss my life before D came along..things were smooth and going along fine..now BAM! I'm strapped down with 2 kids and now a guy who is a kid himself, why should I even put up with it??? I shouldn't and won't. I'm done playing stupid bullshit games and done done done. I'm just ranting right now, I'm sure this is not how I will feel tomorrow or even 2 hours from now. It's just all really starting to piss me off and I wish there was a way to change it. I wish I hadn't fallen for this one. It's so stupid to wish though. It's not as though I can turn back the hands of time. Another baby is coming and all everyone keeps saying is how hard this is going to be and I don't know HOW you are going to do it. It's really pissing me off, it's like, Come on, give me some fucking credit. I realize 2 is not 1, but can we not sit there and say how horrible of a time it is going to be for me please!?! I really can't move in to this new house without D's help, that is the only thing that sucks. The other thing that sucks is that I'd like to be with someone when this baby is born and there is no one else in the picture, or even close. So it's not as though I can just move on to someone else. I know that sounds as though I'm setteling..and I probably am. I just don't want to be single again in the first couple years of the baby's life. I have played that game. D could be of help, but he could also be a nuisance and that is the scarey part. He is not showing me ANY responsibilty. He's not showing me that he can do this. Instead he's being a whiney baby and making it more difficult on me. I know I am hormonal and probably not creating the best atmosphere for him either. I can be a real bitch right now for no good reason. But he has a 5 yr old and was with his ex until she was 2 years old. he SHOULD know what it is like to be around a prego woman. But he doesn't. He doesn't understand me or any of it. I feel like I am so alone. We barely talk. I feel Like I'm in a rotten marriage already, we just both kinda float by the other until it comes time for bed and then he wants something from me. Well yeah right, I'm not about to give it to him! Fuck that! ok I really need to stop, I just have a lot of stored up anger inside me about all this bullshit. I hate being a single mom, but I hate being with him sometimes too. It's not healthy for me. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do at this point. Just roll with it? I have no fucking clue. We are going to my aunt's again for dinner tonight but I didn't let D know that. When would I of. He barely said 2 words to me last night(except when he told me I was ignorant) then he slept on the couch. Yes, I'm a bitch, but WHY am I a bitch is the question? Is it because he's difficult to live with..because I know if I was happy with him I would not be acting the way I was. I dunno..it's all so complicated and i just really would like to get away for a couple days..ALONE! Yeah right though. When the hell would that opportunity ever strike. I guess I could take L with me, that could be fun. or disaster. I can barely handle her from after work until bedtime. She just likes to constantly get in to trouble. I can't take my eyes off of her for 2 minutes or else she is tipping the garbage can over, throwing things in the toilet, dumping a box of cookies all over the floor, throwing stuff all over the place..yes, I live with a tornado from hell. I honestly go nutso from about 5:30 until we are peacefully reading books in her room around 8pm. I love 8:00..Weekends are better because we are both well rested so we are pretty laid back on the weekends at least.

good news

My Colpo went fine. The Dr. neglected to inform me that they would not be doing the invasive test since I am prego. So they just looked at my cervix under the light and did not find any white spots, which is so great news and a big sigh of relief. So it went well! Now I just have to have a re-pap in July and they will look at the cervix under the light again too. so phew....I was really scared! Next Weds I find out the baby's sex! I can't wait! I wonder what I'm having!!! I want another girl, I think that would be sweet, but I know D wants a boy and it would be great to give him his boy too. We'll see. I can now breathe and relax, I was really worried about the damn colp. grrrr. I'm so happy it's overwith! D and I were fighting pretty bad this weekend. I don't know why I have to open my fat mouth sometimes. I said some things that I now regret..something along the lines of..that is not being a father. re: how he handled something with his daughter. I regret saying that. He's a good father, it just worries me that A is so scared of him and is afraid to even ask him things half the time..makes me wonder what he's done to her in the past. Saturday night she was up coughing at about 1:30 AM and it woke me up so i asked D to go check on her and maybe get her some water. His reply was..if you are so concerned you go check on her. UGH. So I just rolled over. The coughing continues. He then yells out to her..A, quit coughing! I can tell you are faking!..I was so pissed. At that point the coughing subsides but I could tell that she was trying not to cough so that it wouldn't piss her dad off. I wanted to cry. I then got up to pee, came back and told him forget it, I don't want to live with you, If this is how you are going to be with our child then it's not worth it, I can do this on my own, etc, etc. By 8am they were gone. He's the type that just leaves and let's us both cool down. I was pissed though! I still am! I think it's complete bullshit that he would make his 5yr old sit out there alone and not even go comfort her. :( Last night he came over to discuss 'us' and he brought it up that what happens between him and A his none of my business. Ugh..I just said I resented that and threw it in his face that was happens with L and I then is none of his business either! How insensitive can you possibly be? I just don't see us comprimising at ALL here. I honestly don't know what the end result will be but I honestly DO want to work it out and try and be together, and HAPPY damnit. He told me last night that he was done with me, but I emailed this morning apologizing so hopefully tonight things will be better. I hope so anyway. I detest fighting and don't want to be that kind of couple. I won't be. I don't need my kids growing up in that type of environment. So we'll see. I know I was stressed all weekend about this colp today and then moving..I have barely started! then to top it off we have to fight. Not a good weekend really. I wish he understood that i have a lot on my plate and can't always be in a good mood..especially being pregnant! I'm not super woman! Ugh. My dad is picking L up tonight so that is awesome! He will probably take us to dinner also so that will be nice.

optomism

I went out to lunch today and when I got back my parking space was still there and it made me smile. Funny how the small things can make you smile. Not funny how the small things can also make you frown. I get so angry lately by the stupidest things. And sucks for D that I take EVERYTHING out on him. If L is being a pita then I'm a total bitch to D. It's not fair and I really need to work on that. Last night L was up at 2:30, 3, 3:30, 4, 4:30, 5 and then up at 5:30 for the day! Needless to say I was pissed off. The first time was because she had to pee. fine. then the next time was because she saw a bug, there really was not a bug but she insisted there was one in her closet. I shut her closet, she was good. Then the screaming started again. Mind you, each time I was about to drift back in to dreamland another uproaring scream would wake me out of it. Every time after was because of bugs. I hate my fucking apartment and the fucking bugs that live in it. It's those creepy beetle looking things, I think the correct name for them is "stink bugs" but I HATE THEM! L didn't even SEE any bugs last night but she just knows they are there lurking..which they are because I killed 2 in the hallway when she wasn't looking, I hate them so much. I can't wait to get out of there!!!! Anyway, I'm sure daycare is going to loooove L today! She'll be a happy camper I'm sure. So around 3:30 I came back to bed after telling L to shut up. And I wanted to punch the shit out of D! What the hell is my problem?? I didn't. But I wanted to so bad!! Then I wanted to punch the walls. Then I thought about having 2 children and I really considered blowing my brains out! How the hell am I going to survive with a newborn baby PLUS L? I honestly don't know. I think I will die. I don't want to do the newborn stage again. I really need to work on my patience before this baby comes. I don't have any. I should have realized that kids wake up in the middle of the night and I should be used to the idea of not getting any sleep, but instead I wanted to punch things. I'm not a good person when I get little sleep. I was angry during my whole nights sleep until at 5:20am I felt D kiss my forehead goodbye as he left for work and it was like all that anger was lifted and I felt so peaceful. It was like nothing else mattered. He's been so awesome these past couple of days, maybe the whole week, but I think that is because I have been good too, I haven't been as big of a bitch(I'm trying, really I am). I think he really does love me. We had a super long talk a few days ago and it was pretty much both of us getting everything off of our chests about what pisses us off. He obviously said that I bitch and complain to much so I'm working on it. We are both stubborn asses and seriously I don't think I'll ever change. He won't either. But at the end of the conversation he did say how much he loves me and L and how he hopes one day he can be L's dad. That melted my heart..I would have had instant tears but I held them back and he said, if you want me to that is. And I just said, yes I want you to. But it was very sweet. He hasn't been as crabby and is pretty much being the man that I want and need him to be right now. Let's hope it continues..I'm somewhat of a pessimist and I need to work on that, so I'm thinking positively that this will indeed work! We are both super excited to be moving. Scares me pretty much to DEATH about moving in with him, but it could be a good thing. Could be disaster. Moving in with np after only dating a couple of weeks was disaster. D and I have been together 6 months so that's pretty good right? Not to mention have a baby on the way. He seems more excited and has to have bonding time with my belly each night. He loves my big pregnant body he says everyday. I hate my body right now, but he can't get enough of it. I feel like I'm just bulging out everywhere, my ass doubled in size I think, so have my boobs! He likes both equally. The only thing I like about my body right now is that I don't feel self conscious now when D wants to rub my belly because it's supposed to be fat! I can let it all hang out and not even care because the bigger the better right? Speaking of boobs, I NEED new bras like, 2 weeks ago! That should be a goal for the weekend. My other goal is to finish the book Stacie lent me called the Pilot's Wife, it's boring now, but I must finish it. I also want to look in the freebees for a computer desk, entertainment center, end table, and a few other odds and ends that I desperately need for the new place. Oh and I close on my loan on Saturday morning. Yesterday I gave the broker my down payment of $4800 and had a mini-panick attack because now I'm BROKE until I get my fed. income taxes back. I've never been this broke in my life, I've always had a cushion and now there is nothing and I semi freaked out. I like to have a savings account in case of emergency, like I need to run away fast or something. Anyway, things are coming together with the new house and I should be moving in shortly I hope hope hope!!!! L is even excited and keeps talking about "new house! new room! new BED!" So that is awesome and makes me feel more optomistic. That's another thing I'd love to go and look at this weekend! Bedding! My aunt called me, they are in NC for furniture market right now, and she found this adorable bedroom set for L, bed, nightstand and dresser and described it and I said yes so they are going to buy it for L for Christmas, her b-day and possible next Christmas present! I love having family in the furniture biz. So I am psyched about that. Monday is my shitty colpo procedure, but for now i've placed it in the back of my mind and realized that it will be over with soon and then I can move past it. I just want it over NOW! Oh well. It could be worse. much worse. So I just have to think positively and not dwell on it. Okay I think that is enough for today.

happy but sad

I guess they are correct when they say pregnancy is just one huge ball of hormones. For some reason right now I feel like bawling, yet there really isn't a reason. I just want to cry and never stop. It could be because I feel so stuck in a rut. I'm pregnant. I just bought a house and have no idea how I'm going to afford it. I have to have the colposcopy done next monday and I'm terrified. My best friend doesn't like my boyfriend. D is starting to really change his whole attitude and I'm falling in love with him. L is getting worse and worse everyday(behavioral wise). I just hate my job. I want to take a vacation but have no vacation time let alone any money. I want to eat pizza all the freaking time. I feel like the biggest blob in the world. I'm starting to move slower. I have no motivation. I have been having suicidal thoughts. I have to wake up at least 2 times a night to pee and then once because L is crying and needs me to take her to pee. I have no energy. I never get any sleep. ever. I feel like I could sleep for ever. I want to take a nap sometimes and can't because I'm at work or I have L. I want a babysitter so I can catch a break. I want someone to volunteer to take L overnight. I want one night to myself. I want the bugs in my apartment to disappear, I hate them and so does L. I want to move to my new home without actually having to move. I want to get medicaid so I can quit paying $200 a month for my health insurance anymore. It's looking grim that I will get it, but there still is a ray of hope. I want someone to clean my apartment for me. I want to close on my loan so I can get stuff movin. I want energy. I want this cold weather to fucking go away already. I want to do things this summer with my baby girl. Like go to the zoo, go swimming and all the fun outdoor things. I want to actually do them and not be a lazy fat ass. I want to quit throwing up every single morning. I want my cramps to go away. I wish I had money and no stress. Money = stress and that sucks. Money = power also and that sucks even more. If I ruled the world I think I would give everyone ample amount of money, that way there would be little stress. We'd all be giant fatasses though laying in the woods like barbarians because no one would be motivated to get up and work, what would be the point. So I guess money motivates eh? It still pisses me off and I wish so badly it wasn't an issue. Life would be smoother. It's all a learning experience I suppose. You have to lose to win, or something like that. I'm borrowing 25K from a bank! yikes, that's scarey. I've never owned anything in my life. That I actually paid for myself. So it's kinda cool, yet scares the shit outta me. Did I mention I hate working until 5 now. It fucks up my whole evening and I don't have time for shit now. I love my daughter so much though, she seriously is the whole reason I come to this shithole office every day.

changing times

I signed the offer on the house! Yikes! I can't believe I'm actually doing it. I can't wait!!!! I will finally be the owner of something! I really am getting excited! We move in on May 1st. I haven't officially asked D to move in with us yet, since he totally can not afford it, but I'm sure he will be staying with us a lot. We'll see I guess. I just can't believe I'll finally have a house with a yard and stuff, it will be great! Someplace to call home, like I've wanted for years. The financial aspect is the only thing that pains me. I'm not sure if I will make it. I may sink. It's all up in the air still and I'm waiting for the bank to call me back to let me know what the loan payments will be and the interest rate and all that crap, so we'll see. I just hope it's not that expensive!!! If it is, then I really pray that I can drop my insurance at work so I can earn an extra $200 a month. Medicaid accepted me, but I need to get rid of my work insurance now and I have a feeling it might not be that easy. ugh. Nothing EVER runs smoothly in my life so I'm expecting the curve ball. I went to my ob appt on Monday and they told me that my pap smear did in fact come back abnormal :( I need to have another Colposcopy done, which SUCKS! I had one done a year or so ago and it was awful, didn't help that the gal that did it was rude, so I requested somebody else, we'll see. I really don't want to go and that appointment is on 4/14/08. I wish it was just over with already, I'm freaking out about it. The cells were atypical so nothing too severe, but they do need to check the severity so I guess this is what this test does. blah. Again, why can't things just run smoothly? Then the 23rd I will find out the baby's sex! I can't wait for that appointment. They will also be doing a full fetal check to make sure the baby is great! I can't wait to see my baby again. And find out the gender and start figuring out a name for this blessing. I did my workshop on single motherhood. It was VERY scarey, but it went pretty good. I had help from a co-worker so that was nice! It's over now so that is the best part! I am not the greatest public speaker, so I was a little shakey, but it was good practice I suppose. I can't wait to have the baby and can take off time from work, I really need a break from this place! I wouldlove to quit. We will see how that works out. Maybe something will come together and things will start to get back on track in life. I really hope so. I hate chaos and not-knowingness. and that seems to be the theme of my life these days. The only thing I'm actually scared about right now though is that damn colpo, I really really wish I didn't have to have it. I don't have any other option though. I just hate the Dr and think it's all a conspiracy. Last time I had my colpo they were talking about histerectomys and all this crap and then the results came back fine...what the fuck was the point of the colpo then? I think they get a shitload of errors with their tests that they run, and why haven't they come up with something less painful then the damn colp. It SUCKS!!! ahhhhh..I could vent about this forever, but vent over.