supervised sad

The 2nd supervised visit went worse. For me anyway. L did better, she was a little frightened at first, but then wanted to play with the toys in the room and did fine. The lady told me to go ahead out to the waiting room and that she'd be in her office. While I was sitting out there, i got to thinking, if she's in her office across the hall from the play room, then who is supervising this visit?? So I walked back there again and she was on the phone! while Chris and L were in the other room across the hall! It was nuts. So I stayed outside the door listening to them while I was waiting for this lady to get off the phone so I could ask her what was up. There was a younger girl kinda standing outside of her office also. So As I'm listening I hear Chris interacting with L and he's being stern with her and making her pick up her toys..I felt like going in there and telling him to shut up. He has no right to be stern with MY daughter. blech. Anyway, she gets off the phone and I ask her what exactly they do. The younger girl interrupts and says she was supervising while the lady was on the phone. um. Are you even certified? I don't think this lady is either. She said they are just contracted out by the courts and normally don't even do this type of thing. They are regularly an adoption center! So they aren't even licensed to do this? I dunno the whole thing seems dumb. I feel no justice. I feel let down by the us government. I feel so out of control and frusterated and I honestly think this is making me depressed. I am so. sad right now and just drag about my days. I was happy and peaceful at home and now I just sit there at night and mope. I know I should not let him ruin my life and I should be above it. But how? When I have to do things by the courts that I should not have to be doing. I've been doing everything right. I've been raising my baby for the past almost 4 years solely on my own and now they are saying that I may have to share this right? WHY? I do not get it! All he has is her blood, what the fuck? Ok I'm mad. I know. Anyway, so she says that she is going to pull her chair in the hallway and observe and as long as she can hear and see what is going on then all is well. Ok whatever. So I go back to the lobby and cry the remainder of the session, but I did make sure to go to the bathroom before I saw him to make sure I had no evidence of crying. L asked me to help her with the drinking fountain as we were leaving and So Chris held out this peice of paper as if he was going to help L and wanted me to hold the paper. I just walked right by him and helped her myself. I didn't/couldn't look at him, acknowledge him, anything. I have so much hatred for him. I have never felt this feeling in my gut so strongly before. I don't know how to let go. I can't let go. I feel like I have messed up my daughter's life. I wish I could have given her a different father. I feel like I've let her down somehow. Anyway, so we leave and that was the end of the visit. She then started talking about Dan..then says, I mean Chris. She doesn't even know his name! How can 6 supervised visits of 1 hour incriments be anything to give him rights to start seeing her on a regular basis? I just don't get it. It gives me such a headache to even think about it. I need to ask my dr about antidepressants though because I can feel myself sinking. and fast. D has been good, but I've been a complete bitch to him. I barely will talk to him and and so short with him. He mowed my grass yesterday and I haven't said thank you yet. He asks what's wrong and that he wants to go with me to a visit with Chris to be there for me. He feels bad about all of this, but really he can't help me. No one can. I have to somehow get through this on my own. Figure out a way to deal with it. My dad is still in Greece visiting his new facebook girlfriend. sigh. He usually is with me during the Chris stuff and helping me out. I need to actually talk to Chris and try to be amicable. Let him know that this is not upsetting me and that Im fine with it. I can't and will not give him the satisfaction of knowing this whole thing is pissing me off and what he has done has worked. But I can't even put on a front for him yet. I'm still too mad. Maybe in 2 weeks when my dad is back he can come with me and somehow this will get easier. My mom has nothing to do with the situation and doesn't help me with it. She doesn't want to be involved. She says it's too much for her to deal with and she's already depressed and can't handle it. So she stays away from it. It's hard for her to deal with to, but I wish she'd be there for me. oh well. lunch time.