life

I wish that there was someone who could read a person's blog and then analyze them by reading it. That is what everyone wants. Someone who can understand them, figure them out, and then tell them what their strengths and falters are. I had an interview this morning for a management position. It was me and 4 others who applied. I thought I had a strong chance, but at the end of the interview he told me. " don't be discouraged if you do not get this position." Which, in turn, discouraged me. I woke up late today. My interview was at 9:00AM, I have to be to work at 8:00AM. I woke up at 7:40AM. How this happened I will never know, but how frusterating. I was crying my eyes out because I thought for sure I was going to be late for my interview. My mom luckily came over to help me with L and get her ready so that I could make it for my 9AM interview. But one of the questions they asked was about punctuality, and I had to mention that I was late today. I was crushed. I ended up not being late for the interview, but it still messed my whole day up. I didn't get my coffee this morning and I had to rush which always makes me feel crappy. Not to mention all the crying I did this morning so I'm certain I had puffy eyes. Made me feel very undeserving of the job, but I think I still did okay with the interview. We'll see. If I don't get it I am going to ask why not. My dad went to see Chris with L last night again. I was planning on going but I had so much to do at home it just didn't happen. My dad confronted Chris about the letter I received in the mail. He told my dad that he just has a hard time talking to me about anything and that he wants to be able to start taking her by himself. My dad just said something like, you've been gone for 3 years, I'm sure she is just being careful. My dad said it sounded like he was very serious about being in her life now. Which maybe it will be best in the long run, but right now it is all about her and knowing how he used to be, I am not willing to just hand her over to him. So for now I am keeping my guard up. I honestly don't know if I could ever forgive him, but if he actually has changed, and how would I ever know if he has?, but if he has, then I would let L stay with him way way way down the road. It hurts my heart to even think about that, but it's the reality of it all and I will do what is in the best interest of her. J decided to sleep all night last night. That is the other freak thing that happened last night. She finally got to sleep around 10:30 and so I decided to sleep in L's bedroom again, and she didn't wake up until 7:40 this morning! about 9 hours!! That is a new record and I'm guessing just a fluke. The stars did not want me to do well in my interview is what I am guessing. But yay for J for sleeping through the night!! Another milestone. I also decided that I'm going to buy some cereal for her to try too now that she is 4 months old, I think she is ready to give it a try. She seems hungry and I always feel guilty eating in front of her while she watches me with those googly eyes. So my brother hates my dad's girlfriend. Which there are good reasons as to why, but it made Christmas oh- so- much- drama filled. My brother said some pretty ignorant things to her and so she felt the need to now email him a 1 page letter and said some stuff like, "we WILL get married and we WILL start a family" which make her sound pretty crazy. I used to semi-like her. I mean, she is 19 years old so it was very hard to like her at first and the idea is still pretty nuts if you ask me, considering that my father is 56. But. I got used to it and even began liking her okay. Now she had to go and write this nasty email to my brother. I must say that I was astounded and do not appreciate her thinking that she is more important in my dad's life than his own children. She does scare me a little bit and I'm starting to think that she may be a little money hungry. Dad is pretty much brainwashed also because he has said things like, "I'm not getting a pre-nup-Christa will make sure you guys are taken care of". Yeah he's changed since he divorced my mom 3 years ago. He still drives up to see us all the time and really helps me out in so many aspects of my life and is really there for me and my children. But his mindset has changed. He always was quoted saying, "I'm gonna die broke." He has been with his girlfriend well over a year now so it's not as though this is some quick mid-life crisis, it's for real. Just something else that has been on my mind today. I don't know if I should confront my dad about the letter she wrote, or if I should just stay out of it. Right now D has this weight machine he bought on Sunday sitting right in the middle of my kitchen floor. He bought it used for $50 and still hasn't used it once, yet there it sits in my kitchen, in my tiny house, no room at all for it. D had told me it was collapsable and that I wouldn't notice it. I've now stubbed my toe on it about 5 times and it's HUGE. Not to mention the long cord I now have going from my bedroom to the living room so that the internet connection can be hooked up to his x-box. wow he certainly is making my life miserable. I don't like things to be out of place and now I have this huge work out bench and a cord running through my house and it's making me lose my hair. I want them both gone. now. Sometimes I think I want him gone too. It would make my life so much easier. Where did things go wrong? My life is not exactly going to plan. Things are spiraling out of control much faster than I had ever imagined. Maybe I will get this new job position. Maybe that will help me feel better. However, if I don't get the job I need to be cool about it and not let it stress me out too much. My periods are so out of whack right now. I am now back on my thyroid hormone so that is good, it was way off! but I've been having these weird cramps lately that I can not shake. I am SO afraid that I am pregnant. It's another thing I have running through my head right now. I've only had a couple periods since I am still nursing J. The last time I had one seems like it was a long time ago now. I need to call the Dr but I keep putting it off because they are going to make me come in for an office visit and I can not miss any more time from work. Speaking of work. I need to get back to that.