stuff getting done

This weekend was quite productive. Well, Sunday anyways. Friday night after work my dad came in to town and he took one look at L's bugbite and said I needed to get her to the Dr. asap. So we went to the med express thingie. She had had these 2 bites on her for the past 5-7 days that had a black dot in the center and the black dot started to get bigger almost the size of the bite, it looked pretty sick. So we took her in, luckily he was there to help me keep her entertained. we got there at 6:30PM and they said a 75 minute wait..well that turned in to a 120 minute wait..grrrrr. Then we finally got seen at 8:30 and he just looked at them and said, yep that's an abcess or something else, but we will give her an antibiotic and that should clear it up. We were in with the actual dr. for all of 2 minutes. The antibiotic seems to be working pretty good, it's the same one that they give to people with MRSA he said. So far they look a little bit better. So we got home from the Doc and D had his sister and A there for the last night..he took them both home on Saturday - yay! I survived the 2 weeks! Anyways, then Saturday I woke up and had to go to my best friend's sister's baby shower in Detroit, which is quite a drive from my house. My back was killing me both trips. L stayed at my mom's house. The shower was really nice. She is due October 5th and is wayy huger than me. I was shocked because I feel huge, but she was a lot bigger. She got a lot of nice things and after the shower, my bf and I went to the mall to shop a little bit. My mom called at 5 and was quite angry that I hadn't even left yet, she thought I'd be home by now. she had told me the day before to take my time, etc etc..seems like whenever her boyfriend is around she gets more impatient to get rid of L. She could have just not had her bf be there but whatever. So I got home and picked L up and came home and crashed early. Sunday D and I both woke up and started cleaning, we got the nursery finally organized and it's almost 100% done, I'm so happy. It looks cute. cramped. but cute. The changing table remains in the shed. L's room I got cleaned, the after math of her and A, it was bad, but I got it all clean and organized. Everything in the house just feels clean and ready for baby! I'm a happy mom right now. D swept and mopped the kitchen floor, vacumed, cleaned our room and the kitchen, I was so in love. After cleaning he went to his aunt's house to hang out and I went and picked up my little cousin and took her and L to the sprinkler park - It was alot of fun, and nice to have a quiet day with them. Then L and I got home around 5 and she went right to the couch and fell asleep instantly, I have never seen this child do this. She must have been exhausted. So what a nice weekend. I really am surprised by how laid back it was and stress free. I have this coming friday off from work and Monday also for Labor Day. Happy week for me. Thursday is my dr. appt and they will be checking me and doing the strep b test. I feel a weight lifted but it may be the fact that my nursery is finally put together!!!

cooler

I calmed down a lot just after typing that last blog. Just some things I needed to get off my chest I suppose. I feel a lot calmer today. L made me late for work yesterday and today and I handled it much better than the previous day. I'm trying to be more patient with her and so far it's working. I already feel guilty for bringing a baby in to our world, her world is going to be turned upside down here once the baby comes. I just need to remember not to neglect her, or the baby for that matter. D had a 3 hour test for a new job last night. He got chosen for the second part of the hiring process for a huge company in town. There was 5000 applicants and only 200 got chosen to take the second part and D was one of them! yay! The next step though is narrowing it down to 14 out of the 200, so we'll see..Fingers are crossed!!! While I'm off on Maternity leave I'm also going to be job searching for myself, I really hope I can find something closer to home and something I actually can tolerate. I finally did say something to my boss about the 12 weeks off, she just wrote it down and said we'd talk to John about it, who is the even higher up boss...wonderful. But so far I am hoping for the best! 3 months off is still not enough in my opinion, but I'm sure it's not mothers that set up these stupid FMLA programs or else we would have a better maternity section. Another co-worker is leaving on Sept. 5th so they are going to be really understaffed..funny that I don't even care! I'm actually excited to leave them with my super huge case load and let them see and deal with the crazyness of it. I have the biggest case load in the whole office. So D and I finally went to Babies R Us..my dad took L and we went on Monday night. I got everything I needed. D picked out the babies coming home outfit, well I think A actually did, because he brought her with us. She was so quiet the entire time, it was kind of nice, she's a lot quieter when L isn't around I guess. It was a nice evening though and I am feeling a tiny bit more organized now. I got my cupboards cleaned out in the kitchen over the weekend. I got all the laundry done - washed all of L's old clothes in preparation for the new babe. Got everything off of my list at Babies R Us, think I spent $100. Oh still need to get a base for D's car, but we didn't get that yet. I can't believe they are $40! Still need a hamper for baby's room too but that is definitly not an urgency. All we need to do yet is organize the nursery, move furniture, set up crib, bring in changing table if I'm going to be doing that. But all of that is not a hurry since the baby will be in the bassinet in our room at first. I'm not going to want to run to the other end of the house to be breastfeeding every hour or 2, so I figured she would stay in our room for a while. The bassinet my mom found at a garage sale is like brand new and so adorable, I never had one with L so I'm kinda excited for it. One more thing I still need to do is pack my hospital bag. Last night I was having contractions, but nothing continuous, but definitley there. I anticipate this baby coming early, we'll see. She might come late. Weird, but my boss just called and asked again how long I'm taking off and I said 12 weeks and she said Ok. Phew..I'm so thrilled now I don't think I need to worry about it now, I just come back after 12 weeks! yay! Things are finally falling in to place. I'm in no hurry for baby to come out yet though, she's being a good girl right where she is.

RAGE - ing hormones

I am so not myself these days. I don't think it helped that D had A all weekend. I just get mad for no reason. Or if there is a reason, I completely blow it out of proportion. L wasn't taking a nap on Saturday and I went ape shit on her. I was screaming at the poor child, mainly because I was tired beyond belief and just wanted to fucking sleep. I laid there with her for 2 hours and kept making her lay down, etc. Finally D came home and came in and asked if L could come out and play with A and I made a huge deal about it, and he said I could still take a nap, but I said forget that, so I sat out in the living room and pouted instead. WTF is wrong with me? Then I got pissed off on Saturday because A and L made a huge mess in the bedroom so I got my shoes on and took L to my mom's house and stayed the night there since my mom was out of town. I just can't handle A and L together. A drives me completely insane. Then Saturday morning illegedly L was coloring on the walls. L told me that A did too. I believe her. D of course, does not believe that A would ever color on the walls. He took L and took her to her room for a time out, so I threw a fit and said he should punish his own kid too since we weren't out there and don't know for sure what happened, and he just said A would never color on the walls. I went and got L out of her time out, I felt it was unfair. A of course said no, she didn't do it, but why would she admit it when she sees L getting in trouble for it. And L has no idea how to lie so why would she make it up that A colored on the walls too?! I just don't get it. D thinks his precious A is perfect though and it makes me want to hurl. So the whole day just started out shitty, not to mention there was absolutely nothing going on all weekend, so of course I predicted a fight. Sunday morning L and I came home and brought a peace offering of doughnuts, but of course as soon as I saw D and saw that he was still mad, I again got mad. But I still apologized for the things I had said - I had told him the previous day how I can't stand when A is here and they mess up the whole house because I'M the one who gets stuck cleaning it all up! - I apologized and he still just said, "eghm" didn't respond at all and just laid there in my bed. So then I had A and L all morning for about 2.5 hours while he laid there and watched TV, another things that pissed me off. Finally he got up, took A to his aunts house and I didn't see him the rest of the day til about 8 or 9pm last night. And of course when he gets home he is being nice and now all of a sudden wants me. Bull shit that was going to happen. I was stuck home alone with L all day and got all of the babies laundry done.. Fun. while he was at his aunts house probably playing cards and having all sorts of fun and at least being SOCIAL, while I'm stuck in the quietness of home. L was not too much company as she just kept getting in to mischeif and held me back from doing any type of chores. Oh and to go back to Saturday, D decided(while I was at my mom's) to put the babies huge dresser in front of the toy closet so that L and A can't play anymore. NOt to mention as I was leaving he was telling A that she can't play with L anymore because Jill said so and she can't touch L's toys anymore either cuz Jill said so. Oh I wanted to hurt him bad! So I couldn't move the dresser on Sunday to get stuff I needed out of the closet, because it's a huge ass dresser and it wouldn't even budge for me. GRrrrrrrr. I am still so pissed off and do not really know what to do. We are on speaking terms, but nothing got resolved, I don't know what to say. I'm at a loss. I can't help it that, I hate to say this, but I don't like his kid?! Is that what it could be? I feel like a horrible person for saying that. But I guess I'm the type that likes my own kids but no one elses? My cousins child who is 9 months older than L aggravates me also. What is my problem!? I feel so heartless! How can you not like or love a child?! I haven't told D any of my feelings and don't really intend to, I can't say that shit to him. This is his kid and I do love him so I've put up with her thus far, I just don't think I can do it anymore, I'm taking my anger out on L and that's not fair! AT ALL! This morning I was late for work, yes it was L's fault, she sat on the toilet for 15 minutes and didn't even go! I was so mad, the rage came back again and I was screaming at her so bad it made her cry. I feel so guilty, but it's like this rage comes out of nowhere and SO is not me at all!!! The slightest stupid thing sets me off. That scares me because what is it going to be like when baby #2 gets here? I hope this rage doesn't follow me, I hope it's a pregnancy thing and goes away, I hope I like A more after the baby comes too. I'm so worried that there is something wrong with me. Yesterday I was so depressed from just sitting in the house all day, I finally dragged L out to WalMart just to buy her a toy because She kept bugging me to go shopping. D and I were supposed to go out shopping on Saturday and that never happened. Sunday came and went and we still didn't go. He had finally agreed to go to Babies r us with me and then we fought and did'nt make it. We need to go to best buy too, he got a house phone and we have no cordless phone so we are gonna go buy one. At least I'll finally be able to reach him! Tonight my dad is picking L up from daycare so I asked if he would babysit so D and I could go shopping and he agreed, so maybe we can talk at that time, but about what? I am speechless. I might need to talk to a psychologist about ppd once this baby comes too. I already am feeling symptomatic. I don't want to be the crazy parent, the one that yells about stupid shit, what if I'm turning in to my own mother? I used to take anxiety meds a long time ago, 2003, took them for 1 year, and I was cured, never had another anxiety attack since. So i know the medications can and do work. Maybe I will need one again? It's worth a shot I guess. This time it's not anxiety though really..a small hint of anxiety - not the anxiety mess I was in 03 that's for sure - but mainly feeling depression. I'm already looking at yoga classes with Stacie in the winter as well. I do believe that exercise is far greater than any anti-depressants, and was even thinking about starting to jog around my neighborhood when I can catch a break. Maybe I will try that first, because I don't feel total loss of control of my self, just a little symptomatic. PLus it will help with me getting my body back if I start the exercise stuff again! I miss it. The rage, I 'm thinking is just pregnancy - I thought for sure I was going to go in to labor on Saturday after yelling at L like that - that just so isn't me or my personality - it was not me! This probably makes no sense. A is still here until this Sunday..sigh. At least she won't be around for Labor Day weekend, I have Friday through monday off and I am just over joyed...A 4 day weekend is mucho needed!!!! I'm going to go wallow in guilt now for being a horrible parent this weekend....

going along

Week 34 - things are going pretty good! This baby likes to kick me pretty much all the time, it's neat though because L rarely kicked so this experience is almost like brand new to me. I keep having dreams about this baby and I am getting very excited to meet her. I'm excited to have another miracle and to start this new journey. I'm scared but only because my whole family keeps telling me how horrible of a time I'm going to have and how my life is now over as I know it as soon as this baby comes, etc etc..it's very discouraging. I want to be happy damnit! I want this to be a great life experience, I don't want to dwell on it or be miserable. Every time I say anything to my mom, and I'm only just trying to vent to her, she ends up just saying, well this is your deal, don't ask me for help, or why don't you dump him then. She's usually drunk when giving me this wonderful advice, but it hurts that she doesn't really care and isn't really here for me like she was the last time. A peice of me feels that she is almost jealous that D is the one that is going to be taking care of me now. D will be the one in the hospital room, D will be the one cutting the cord, D will be the one driving us home, etc. She seems almost bitter about that, and keeps bringing things up to me which makes me mad. For example the other day she brought up money and the fact that D isn't paying me anything and basically just living with me for free and boy doesn't he have it made, blah blah..as if to try and make me mad at him, and guess what? it worked. I started thinking about how she was right and then my blood started to boil and then I asked D for money that night and told him he needs to give me $60 this week. ..3 weeks ago he gave me $40 and that's all I've seen from him since. So I'm paying for the groceries, consumers bill, HOUSE PAYMENT, everything. All he's paying for is his smokes and gas and food when he eats out. Oh yeah and the cable bill, his precious cable. He doesn't have a cell phone, but that cable bill surely gets paid each month. OH yeah he's got his car payment each week too, he gives my dad $50 per week toward the car he got from him. He will have that paid off by the end of Sept. so that's good. D still owes me $382 for a loan I gave him. I will never loan a massive amount of money again, but I figured $480 wasn't that bad. Considering that I signed a loan for Chris for $7000 when I was with him, I mean, come on, WTH was I thinking!?! He paid back $3500 of it, but still owes me $3500, and I'm quite certain I will never see that money again. I vowed right then never to loan anyone money again..a good lesson learned. Now I'm pretty much just supporting D huh? Am I stupid? Love makes you, or I guess ME, do stupid things. I hope I don't ever have feelings of regret for taking D in like I have. He gives me extra money when he can. He is not like Chris at all. He is very humble. I don't feel like I'm doing anything stupid, but my mom and friend Stacie have told me differently. I guess they just don't want to see me get hurt. D said once my dad is paid off he will start giving me the $50/week so that will be nice. Although then he will have C/S too and will he just consider that his rent payment?? I do sincerely hope not. We'll see I guess. Having A for the 2 weeks is going pretty good. We had his sister and her stay the night on Tuesday night. It went fine, except L was a nightmare trying to get to sleep and then in the morning it was hell trying to get her out the door for daycare since she wanted to stay and play with A, but other than that it went fine. Kind of a full house but still went well. I still haven't done anything to prepare for new baby besides rack my brain. I need to start actually DOING stuff instead of just thinking about stuff. I need to rearrange my cupboards in my kitchen, and then of course the nursery, oh boy. My mom came over last night and we looked at it at least and kind of got an idea how we want to set it up. The room is so tiny and I'm going to attempt to have a crib, glider chair and ottoman, dresser, and changing table. although my mom suggested just putting the pad thing right on the dresser and change her on that instead of dragging in the changing table..we'll see! I need to wash all the baby clothes and get them put in to the dresser. Organize L's toys as they are all stacked up in the baby's closet whereas if you open the closet door a huge stack of toys will come falling down on you. yeah, it's a mess. Maybe this weekend. Who knows. I've been having I think Braxton Hicks contractions, it's been pretty unpleasant. I get another ultrasound on the 20th for some odd reason, I should have refused it but oh well, might as well check it out I guess and make sure all is well. They shouldn't need to do anymore though should they? ugh. Oh and I still haven't talked to work about my 12 weeks off. I'm too afraid. What if they don't let me? I would be crushed. This is what I really want, and I think by law they have to give me the 12 weeks off, but I'm not entirely sure. The last time I had a baby they fired me because they wouldn't allow any unpaid time off and I was an at-will employee, it was this same company, so who knows what kind of strings they will pull this time. that's what scares me I guess. D has been in better moods lately so that has been nice. I'm not sure why the change, but I'm definitly not complaining, things there have really been good and we both seem happy. He seems disconnected from the baby stuff and doesn't even really talk about it. Just pays a lot of attention to my belly at night and plays with the baby, but other than that he doesn't talk about it. I have asked him several times to come to baby's r us with me, I want him to buy the coming home outfit, but he always just says, why do we have to do it now. so we haven't done that yet. But I really want to try the slingrider thing so I'm going to buy that too, it's $50 but I think a sling would be wonderful to have to keep baby close to me and still have hands free to play with L. L just keeps asking, Is my baby here yet? It's so cute. She always wants to kiss my belly and then looks up at me so serious and says "baby's kickin". I am going to miss that. I really should video tape it or at least get a pic of her kissing my belly. I haven't taken many pics of my belly at all really. I need to do that. Especially since it could be too late here pretty soon.

Layer One: On the Outside
Name:: Jill
Birthday:: May 13th
Current Location:: My cubicle @ work
Eye Color:: blue
Hair Color:: blonde
Righty or Lefty:: righty
Zodiac Sign:: Taurus
Layer Two: On the Outside
Your Heritage:: Irish and Polish
Your Fears:: My babies getting hurt
Your Weakness:: I'm a pushover
Goal:: must clean nursery
Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up:: pee pee pee
Your bedtime:: 10 or 11
Your most missed memory:: it's not missed if you have the memory
Layer Four: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke:: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King:: Mcd's
Single or Group dates:: whichever, I don't go on dates though.
Adidas or Nike:: Either one I guess
Lipton Tea or Nestea:: neither one
Chocolate or Vanilla:: Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:: Coffee
Layer Five: Do You?
Smoke:: no
Have a crush:: no
Think you've been in love:: i know it
Want to get married:: yes
Believe in yourself:: yes
Think you're a health freak:: haha not right now!
Layer Six: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol:: no
Gone to the mall:: yes
Eaten Sushi:: no
Gone skating:: no
Dyed your hair:: no
Layer Seven: Have Your Ever?
Played a stripping game:: yes
Gotten beaten up:: yes
Changed who you were to fit in:: no
Layer Eight: Getting Old
Age your hoping to be married:: 40
Layer Nine: Perfect Mate
Best Eye Color:: doesn't
Best Hair Color:: matter
Short or Long Hair:: to me
Layer Ten: What were you doing...
1 MINUTE AGO:: Typing this
1 HOUR AGO:: sitting in my cubicle or in the bathroom
1 DAY AGO:: same as above
1 YEAR AGO:: probably same as above actually..
Layer Eleven: Finish the Sentence
I LOVE:: strawberry milk
I FEEL:: alone
I HATE:: work
I HIDE:: money
I MISS:: friends
I NEED:: strawberry milk

How did I get here?

Whew - only about a month to go and this baby will be here! I'm getting pretty excited/nervous/scared/anxious! Last night I went and bought some new nursing bras, the ones from with L were pretty dingy. I keep daydreaming about labor and delivery and then having an infant + L. Oh that scares me so. I'm not really counting on D to help out too much, but maybe he will surprise me. Things with him have pretty much been okay. I've been busy with my own stuff going on and he's been busy with his own stuff so we don't get to talk very much lately. The house seems to be staying clean so I think we are both just helping out now, so that is cool. I hate having a messy house and it got really bad for a while - but now it still looks pretty good. He gets his daughter this Sunday and then for two whole weeks strait. we'll see how this goes. I have major anxiety over this. She will probably be staying at his aunt's house for the majority of the 2 weeks with the exception of the weekends, because d's work shift is 6-4pm and so she'll need to stay the night at the aunt's house every weekday and then after work he will have her for a few hours and then have to drop her back to the aunt's to sleep, so that won't be that bad. I have been so exhausted, I can not get comfortable at night, therefore, I'm up a lot. I've been late to work every day this week. I just want a day off to sleep all day. Yesterday I had a migraine at work for 4 hours, didn't get a thing done but at least I was here getting my time in. Tomorrow morning I have a dr. appt. I'm wondering if I will end up having this baby early? I feel like I might, I have such pains all the time..where I will be walking and have to dead stop and take a breath because it hurts so bad. I never had braxton hicks with L or anything really..it was all just normalness. Another thing I'm a tad worried about is what if I die during childbirth? I want her to be named Jillian if I do die. But I need to be here for both of my babies- what will become of L? or the new one for that matter. I definitley don't want d raising the baby at his aunt's house. Maybe I should give him my house so they have a place to live? I hate all these 'what ifs' but it really is something to consider. I really need to make a WILL, but not sure if I will get that done before d-day. Which, I am still in disbelief that it's already almost here. hmm I guess that's all that is on my mind for today. I'm talking to my boss today about hoping to take 12 weeks off, we'll see how this goes.