A million + 1 things to do...

I am not prepared in the least for this baby. I have so much to do yet I feel overwhelmed. I have about 5 weeks left and that scares the crap out of me. 35 weeks tomorrow! Things physically seem to be going along fine..nice normal pregnancy..baby is going to weigh a bit more than the girls did, but seriously any lb baby hurts just the same in my opinion, whether it's 5lbs or 8lbs...it still hurts! This baby is still nameless and I hate that. I never had a boy name that I was in love with growing up. Actually I always used to say if I had a boy I'd name him Jayson. So we'll see! Things with Chris are dormant. I have not heard from him since the last supervised visit. Which I believe was the middle of August, but not sure. I got a letter in the mail re: child support which stated that it's going up because of his arrearage, but other than that, it's been quiet. oh and still haven't even gotten aformentioned child support from him. My aunt ran in to an EXfriend of mine and told her a bunch of stuff about me and about Chris and blah blah...not realizing that this ex friend is friends with Chris. I was a bit upset because I really hate for Chris to know anything about our life right now. So I'm a bit stressed about that and hope that nothing comes of it. I still feel like my life is a dream right now, I may need anti-depressants. I'm getting by, but not fullfilled. Baby J is still not sleeping through the night which is rough. I barely can sleep through out the night because of my uncomfortableness. Needless to say, I'm a zombie. Not to mention L sleeps with me now and does not go to bed until after 10 because of the wonderful naps they force her to take at day care..ugh. Then up at 6 for work. Work. I hate it. I wish I was on bedrest. I don't wish to be a stay at home mom though. I would go nuts. Weekends are long enough and I'm ready to drop the kids off by Monday. I'm only taking 4-6 weeks off after delivery because I know I will be ready for a break. Maybe a part time job would do me some good. I just dont' know what I'm doing financially yet. My house I will probably put for sale soon so I can go and stay with my mom and save for a bigger house. I can afford the house I'm in now, but I will never be able to save any $ if I stay there and I literally need a bigger house. Me and 3 kids can not fit. Things with D are day by day-right now things are okay. He still hasn't paid me any child support um ever, but he helps out with the kids whenever i ask..he's never told me no. So really I can't complain. It's so much more than I ever got with Chris. He talks about moving back in but he knows my stance on that. Not to mention if i'm selling the place anyway there is no point. I can not house him and his daughter anyway, so no way jose! We get along though and I love it. We have our fights especially because I'm a hormonal mess lately and get mad at him for the stupidest shit, but what's new with that? He doesn't throw objects anymore or punch in picture frames he just walks out the door and goes home, so it works out lovely. L is a little miracle these days. She is so smart and sometimes it's scarey. She is a true wonder and I love spending time with them so much. My mom and Denny try and help me out as much as possible so that I can get enough one on one time with each kid. My mom is truley my lifeline. She came over last night and vaccumed my house for me and helped pick up, I was drowning with the cleaning thing and I think she sensed that since I started bawling to her on the phone about something dumb. So she came to save the day. I have to say it would be tough to live with her again because she is always judging and breathing down my neck, but if I just let it go in one ear and out the other then maybe it could work for 6 months or something. She offered it to me so it's not as though I asked to move myself and 3 babies in with her. I guess we shall see what happens. Next time I update will probably be when I already have the baby, time is going by so quickly it scares me.

about 28 weeks

wow..I'm 28 weeks along now..it's zooming by which is the opposite of what I wanted/needed to happen. Everything that's happening I just keep thinking, I just did this!!! I went and picked up J's birth certificate finally today, yeah I'm a big procrastinator and seeing that she's going to be 1 in a couple weeks I figured I'd better get it! Less than 2 weeks and she will be 1! Holy cow time is just fllying by. I feel like I missed out on J's whole baby stage. I have little pictures of her. Poor middle child! ugh. I need to start taking a ton of them. I'm going to get their professional ones done, but that is always so stressful, it will take a day with lots of energy to try that I guess. Or maybe one day we'll just do it randomly. They are good girls. They seem like they are going to get along really well, it's adorable. My dad ended up taking L to her 6th and final visit with Chris. The next step? I have no idea. I wish I knew something, anything, but I don't. The uncertainty is eating away at my existance. D makes me mad quite often. Just with things he says. So happy we don't live together anymore for that reason, that and the fact that when he is over he just lays on the couch watching me taking care of my two kids. I have asked for help and have even pleaded, but he doesn't care, doesn't listen. He told me yesterday that when they start taking more money out of his checks for J's child support he's going to quit his job. I called him a loser and started crying. I think it's bullshit that he's paying to support A, his other kid that's not mine, but won't help out me and my kids!? What the fuck ever. He's just like any other deadbeat then if he's gonna play that game. He is still trying to be sweet to me and kiss me and trys to have sex with me just about every day. sigh. I like the attention so I don't mind it. But he's not changing and that's what I was hoping for. But nope. Looks like he's not the one for me and I may have to tell him to back off for a while. Even though every day I call him over to hang out or go to the store with us or at least see him. It probably should end at some point. I do need the help though. I go nuts with just the 2 girls. I just keep thinking, how in the hell is this going to work with 3? and 2 under 2! I realize it's my own choices, but holy hell I'm gonna be bonkers for a few years. Right now I look like a beached whale. I am so bloated I can barely walk, my face blew up like a balloon, I can't wait until my next appointment just to make sure everything is going along fine. I feel so odd. I started walking in the evenings with J in the stroller and L on her bike, but my back is killing me after 2 days of it. ugh. There was 4 weeks between my last 2 appointments, so I have one next week..I can't wait. Then after that one i will have one every 2 weeks. yuck. My job really can not excuse me that often, but they have to because of fmla, but I hate taking the time off before the baby is actually here. Anyway, not too much else going on, just barely making it to work on time everyday and looking like hell on wheels because I just roll out of bed last minute, put on one of the 2 pair of pants that still fit and an oversize shirt, throw my hair half up on my head with a clip, no make up..yes..it's bad! Then my poor children are half asleep when I arrive to daycare with hair not done, teeth forgot to brush, clothes are there, shoes could be random though. They still love me though :0)

overwhelmed

Today I'm the epitome of a pregnant woman. I'm a hormonal mess and my mood is all over the place. I've been crying the entire morning. Stuff just keeps adding on and I just feel like I can't take it anymore. My mom told me, well you got yourself in to this mess. Yeah thanks a lot, just what I needed to hear this morning, I already KNEW that. I just wanted to vent and have someone listen, I guess I can't use her anymore. Crying began this morning after leaving daycare. They told me that once this baby arrives the cost of day care is going to be $289/ week. $289/week. Had to type that again. Can't even fathom it. Right now I pay $229/week and struggle. How the heck is this going to work. The DHS is not going to give me any type of assistance for day care even once this one pops out. I would need to have another kid to get even 70% of my daycare bill paid. What doesn't make sense is that my take home pay is only about $300/month more than what I'll be paying in day care in a month. I'm sorry but I can not pay rent, consumers, buy food, diapers, live my life off of $300/month..it's just not going to happen. So what am I to do? I have no freakin idea. I don't even know how to think about this logically and at this point I just cry. On top of that, D is mad at me. We had the whole last name discussion last night. My babies all have my last name. Why wouldn't they!? Why would I give my son his last name only because he's a boy? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard and I think D is being very selfish in this matter. He won't talk to me. My friend got me a free ticket to a local baseball game tomorrow so I was going to do that with friends and now I don't know since he was the one that was going to babysit so I could go. Now he's being a baby and not even speaking to me so who knows if I'll even go. We were getting along so well before this. Although on Saturday I had a friend in town and she wanted to go shopping to Target, so I got D to watch J so we could go and not have to worry about a baby in the cart. Welll he called me twice while we were there and then told me to hurry because he had to be home for dinner and couldn't be late? So we had to rush back and we were a little late and he left without even saying bye to me slammed the door and then squealed his tired when he left. sigh. What a little baby. I'm sure his aunt and uncle would not have been mad had he been a half hour late for dinner. I was so mad, but I agreed to have him over last night to watch a movie. Well then he said he didn't like the way Brandon sounded with his last name and I said, this baby is not going to have your last name. and that was it, he stopped talking to me, walked out of my house on the movie and now hasn't talked to me since. Stupid boys. Then I get to work this morning and find out that everyone is going on a picnic at lunch time. No one even invited me. I feel so left out and bummed. I know I shouldnt be pissed about a stupid office lunch, but I guess it's my hormones because my feelings are very hurt. I think I'm gonna get applebees drive through to make myself feel better. I don't know. It's just been a crappy couple of days and I'm feeling pretty low. My dad is taking L to her last and final supervised visit, if I end up going to that baseball game. What happens next there I am not sure. The unknown scares me. But for now I have to try and not agonize over it. Easier said than done. My heart is in knots.

visit #5

This past week I've been feeling a little bit more at peace with the whole situation. I figure, some kids have it a lot worse. The whole situation could be a lot worse. And for that I am grateful. I keep telling myself not to be selfish, that this isn't about me. It's about Chris wanting to get to know his daughter, even though he's about 4 years late for that and I will forever be bitter about that, but there really is nothing I can do about it now so why not just let it go. Just for my own health reasons, I need to just breathe and let it all go. A new start. If he wants to get to know her, then I suppose I should be happy about that. It should be good for her. Even though last night was annoying. I get there and the lady asked Chris to take her hand and take her back. She just clung to me and wouldn't budge. So I said, well can I just carry her back please? Since Chris was just standing there not helping the situation one bit, hands in pockets. So I carry her back and she starts crying saying she wants to play with me. So I tell her that we will play later as I'm prying her off of me. She still clings. The lady finally pretty much forced me to walk out and I still hear L crying for me. Very heartbreaking. I'm not sure what my rights are, but I honestly don't think I'm court ordered to leave her crying in there? I need to find that out. She of course was fine after a few minutes, but it still sucked. My sunglasses fell off my head as I was trying to get her to get off of me and Chris picked them up for me and I said thanks..so that was an improvement, I actually made eye contact too, so who knows. But then..they were donewith the visit and I was trying to get out of there as quick as possible. So I said let's get going. And Chris is carrying her out of the building so I said, No, I got her and he's like, No, I got her. So he just walks out of the building carrying her!! I was so pissed off. I ran up to him and pretty much grabbed her and was just like, come on L! He really is trying to control this situation and it's really pissing me off. But there again, I need to just let it go. I need to find peace with this somehow. Our last visit is next week then I'm not sure what happens. I'm sure it's not good though. I'm sure that he's going to end up getting to take her every other weekend or some bs. I really think he has that right being her bio dad and all. Not that I like it, I think it's fucked up and the court system is a crock. But I have to smile and let it go. Because if I don't then I look like the bad guy.

Visit #4

Just wanted to document it somewhere. Before we left when I was explaining where we were going L told me, "D and Chris are both my dads" and I said, yes you can have more than one dad, that's fine. and she said, "I want D to be my daddy." It broke my heart and I wasn't sure what to say. We get there and she was clingy again but I reassured her that everything was fine, pried her fingers from myself and walked out of the room, I was a lot more strong. My dad was there as well so that helped me from falling apart in the waiting room. The lady that normally does the visits was not there so her supervisor supervised the visit and I was happy with that! She actually sat down with her notebook and it was much more professional! So that was a relief. When I was trying to get L to let go of me the lady said something like, "come on, dad" because he was just standing there with his hands in his pocket not saying a word. Of course an hour later when they came out he was being all fake and not even acting himself. L can see right through him though. She did give him a hug and a kiss on the lips though, YELCK! I almost puked. I hate that he walks out with us too..makes me feel edgey. I guess we shall see what next week brings. L hasn't said a word about last nights visit. Her behavior sure has changed since this all started though. I hate that. Not to mention she's not sleeping anymore either and she seems to be peeing more frequently also. Not sure if that is normal or not, my dad says it's because she's scared. Not sure how accurate that is! My dad says if he really loved her he would just walk away, if he realized what this is doing to her. He's too in to himself to care what this is doing to her..he's only thinking of himself and what he needs and wants. He's human, but a pityful excuse for one. I was as pleasant as I could be though and had no anxiety, I was much more calm, but there was no need for me to speak to him this time.

a good day in court

I had court this morning with Chris in regards to his child support. He had requested back in April that his CS was reduced. So we had a hearing in June and the mediator person at that time wanted to reduce his CS by more than half! I disagreed to that and so it was then postponed to today for a hearing in front of the judge. Well, before going to the judge we met for another mediation. This time I had my lawyer with me thankfully because things seemed to go so much more smooth. They basically ate him alive asking him why he wasn't working 2 jobs. Currently he's working at fed ex for 20 hours a week, which he failed to report to the courts until today. The decision, which Chris agreed to, was to keep the support where it's at. I won. He's pissed. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but I don't feel sorry for him one bit. just wonder what he is going to do next. The guy told him he's going to be starting to take the CS out of his paychecks, which will be more than 50% of his net pay. hooray. Maybe this will motivate him to get a better paying job or perhaps a second job. My lawyer is awesome! She said something along the lines of, well Jill would love to be able to go to a 20 hour per week job but she can't because she has to take care of her children. The mediator guy was great too and was lecturing Chris on income and what he needs and should be doing to provide for his child. loved it. At least something with this whole situation has finally gone my way. I needed this. Maybe this is what I needed to be a little more friendly at the supervised visits..we'll see how this week goes.

visit #3

Last night was the 3rd visit. L still clung to me in the beginning. The lady let me walk back there with them so that was good. She wouldn't let go so I just stood there with her in an awkward silence. The lady finally said, 'I think you need to help her to get down, Jill'. So I did, but was thinking, why was Chris just standing there, he could have helped to entice her to play with him. But whatever. He held the door open for us and when I didn't say anything he said sarcastically, "your welcome!" Ok, I probably should have said thank you but I have the attitude of, I don't owe you any thanks. Which I know is something I REALLY need to work on. I need to realize that this might be a positive thing for L and she needs to know who her real dad is, even if he is a pos. I need to realize that I made a baby with him and now I will forever be tied to him and yeah it sucks, but at least I still have L out of the deal. I did bad again last night and no matter how I tried to tell myself these things I still could not make eye contact, still could not say a word to him, still had so much hate. I sat in the lobby doing some unrelated paperwork to keep my mind off of where I actually was. When it was over, on the drive home, I cried again. Mainly I started crying because I called my mom afterward and told her about how I didn't say thank you to him and she bitched me out saying I should have and blah blah blah. I really did not need to hear that at that time. This is already hard enough for me. L doesn't say anything about any of it, and I'm not going to probe her. I just hope that this is positive for her and that she is enjoying it. If she is happy then I can somehow manage to be fake happy. I just am not sure because she never says a thing. Chris stayed back with the lady after we left, I am curious what they talked about but my guess is he was asking her if next week would be the last visit. The recomendation was to have him do 4-6 visits and the lady told me the first day that we would be doing 6. So I hope he didn't get the answer he was looking for. If that's even what was being said. I dont' know anything about any of this and that just makes me really mad too. This is my daughter and I don't know what's going on behind closed doors. I'm not sure how closely he's being supervised. I just feel so out of control and I hate this feeling. I'm thinking of moving. I can't move out of state because for some reason he now has rights and can stop me from doing so. gotta love the system! But I CAN move several hours away from him ass. I want to go back to college anyway and the one I would go to is about an hour away. I feel like getting away would solve this, I know it won't but I can dream I guess.