and so this is Christmas.

Whoever says Christmas is a day of relaxation does not do Christmas the way my family does Christmas. Seriously. I was begging my mom for one of her Xanax last night. Of course in the end I would not have taken it because I'm not certain if they are compatible with breastfeeding. But I did have 1 wine cooler and that seemed to help for a mini minute. Last weekend D got a phone call in the middle of the night that his cousin had been in a snowmobile accident and was in route to the hospital. The weather conditions were so bad that they could not airlift her. 12/23/08, they pulled the plug and she's now gone from us. She was only 21 years young. Such a tragedy. She hit a tree in the snowmobile. Very scarey! I just saw her on Thanksgiving. I made D take a picture of her with J. I am so glad I did that. The funeral home is tonight and tomorrow is the funeral. and I'm sick. I can't breathe - I hate this. I have been sick for almost 2 months now and this is the way it went last winter also. I'm ready to beat myself up because I'm so over being sick. I have no immune system. no cold medicines work for me. Ok I'm done whining about that. Christmas was..overwhelming. I wanted to cry so many different times. Not at all how I envisioned it this year. First of all, D didn't even go with us to church. At the last minute he says how he does not go to church and how he made that clear to me a long time ago. So he sat at home alone while I dragged my butt to church and was so overly exhausted as it was after preparing for Christmas Eve all day and then getting the kids ready and looking cute. Not to mention, about a half hour before church, L got mad at me and smashed a snow globe on the kitchen counter, letting glass shatter all over to the floor below in nothing else but...J's carseat. I sent her to her room while she was crying and I was yelling of couse saying things like, How dare you! I still can't believe what a different kid she can turn in to, she gets so mad, I am wondering if my terror might have ADD or something, but then I wonder if I'm just like every other mother that thinks her childs behavior must be a diagnosis. sigh. So I got the carseat cleaned out and off to c hurch. After church had to run to my mom's house to pick up something she forgot to bring to my aunt's house, go to the ATM for my brother, pick up D(grrrrr), then off to my aunt's house only to find. TOTAL CHAOS. She has a bunch of grandkids and mixed with my kids, it was insane. Kids everywhere, presents everywhere. I'm fighting this cold so I couldn't even taste the wonderful looking meal. The only break I got was when I had to leave the room to breastfeed J. Got L home at 10PM Christmas Eve and still had to wrap a couple more things, D's sister showed up at 11PM and needed a ride home ( she lives 30 miles away!) so..he was gone until about 1AM due to the weather conditions outside. So I got everything semi situated in the living room, couldn't do too much though due to my infant all of sudden finding her lungs. Then Christmas morning D woke me up to open gifts because he went and got his daughter around 7:30AM - these people are nuts and have you no respect for the working mother who is insanely tired?! ok. Coffee in, I'm ready to go. Kids open all of their stuff and they had a great time doing this. D gets his XBox and now it's say goodbye to him(my own fault, I am aware). But I really hoped he would have helped set up the kid's stuff since he was so adament on opening gifts so fucking early in the morning. Anyway, L stepped in his eyeline while he was trying to play his video game and he yelled at her. ugh. He can be a real crabby guy sometimes. Not sure where this is going. So we go to my mom's for breakfast, all the while D is bitching because we are with my family entirely too much. Heaven forbid I want to be with them on Christmas! so I got L ready and off we went at 11AM, then to his aunt's house until about 2 then home to relax until my mom's house again for dinner with the extended family. Meanwhile I was trying to get my Ipod hooked up on to the computer, I've never worked one before so I sat there for an hour trying to get it figured out and then realized it was 4:30 PM and we needed to be to my mom's house. I called over there and everyone was allready there. again, sigh. D had just called a friend to come and help me with the ipod so I said goodbye and left alone again to my mom's house. He took his daughter home at 6 and didn't get to my mom's house until 7:30. breathe, Jill, Breathe. BREATHE! It was at dinner time when I casually asked my mother for the xanax, to which she replied to just have a cold glass of water, wait 20 minutes and if I still need one she will give it to me, but I opted for the wine cooler instead of the xanax. Meanwhile my house is still a complete mess from Christmas morning as I had no time to even look at it or start thinking of where everything is going to go in my tiny little house. I got home around 10PM last night and finally got J to sleep at 12AM and was too exhausted to clean after that and had to be to work this am, so here I sit at work knowing my house is a mess and I hate that. I will start at one corner tonight and just keep pushing until it's done. I hate a messy house. D has been no help lately. I do feel for him and his entire family for this tragedy that they have just endured and I truly have no room to complain when looking at the big picture. It's just a lot piling up on me, and I honestly feel like I'm sinking. I feel amess. I feel like i'm drowning in the ocean and there is no sign of help in any direction, I'm lost and alone. I'm a mother and would LOVE to know how some moms can be so calm and collected, or is it all a charade? Or did they luck out and are their kids good? Where did I go wrong? My 3 year old hates my guts already and she's only 3. I never wanted to be this kind of a mother, but I can not control my kid so I had to start being strict, even though I yell at her she still doesn't listen. I am against hitting my children so I restrain from that, but I'm starting to rethink that, she may just need a good butt kicking because I am at my wits end. She throws tantrums all the time now. I miss my 2 year old. Who said 3 was worse than 2? They were right. Although 28 is bad too. Dbf acts like such a child it is very annoying, I'm starting to wonder if we will last. I love him a lot and hes a good man and good to me. Just not sure where it's going or if this is actually the one for me and my kids. Him and L do not get a long at all right now and I hate that. L is my world and to see her unhappy with him bothers me like crazy. They argue all the time, and he teases her constantly. I hate that. I tell him not to, but that just makes him upset. I feel like everything i do is for him and he does nothing in return. He's selfish and I don't think he knows it. I stopped getting child support. Chris has been laid off now for 3 weeks. big surprise there. I got all of 2 payments and now they've stopped. well, we see where this is going. It got old fast for him I suppose. He saw her last weekend with my dad. I didn't even go. She still doesn't really get it. She thinks my dad is her dad and is all sorts confused. I haven't tried to explain it yet. I know she is going through a lot between Chris and having the new baby in the house, but it's really hard to have patience with her when I have worked all day and have a screaming baby to attend to all night, not to mention D pissed off because he can't sleep either, god forbid. He wakes up 1 hour earlier every morning, I think he could be decent and help me ,but no such luck. I'm all alone again but this time worse because I'm not living with my mom. She was a much better help than D. Sorry to say but it's true. Funeral home tonight so hopefully I can find some time to clean a little bit at least. I feel better with a clean house. I need to think of a resolution yet..

Back....

I'm back. And incase anyone is still checking in with me, I do not want to open up blogger anywhere but at work because I would hate for certain eyes to see this as it is pretty much my journal, and I know things can be saved in history on computers. Anyway. Well, J has been born on 9/21/08. It is amazing how different 2 babies can be. J is a breeze compared to miss L. Things are going pretty smooth and I just feel so much better, my hormones I think have finally levelled off and I am pretty much back to normal. Ack, besides the fact that I haven't taken my thyroid medication in over 3 weeks! whoops. I put it away because I was having company over and out of sight out of mind. i am getting bloodwork done to see where that stands. I know I will need to continue the meds though because I am losing my hair like crazy. Having 2 kids is so incredibly different then having one. It is truley amazing how a little infant can disorganize everything. She is almost 3 months now and is just so happy in life. She smiles all the time, it is addicting. L is a pita right now. She is not too jealous of J, but she is acting out a LOT. I think she got bored sitting home with me for 11 weeks because she just does not listen and gets in to everything and I cant seem to discipline this one. I lose my temper with her quite often because she should know right from wrong by now. Like not coloring on the floor anymore. I have told her repeatedly not to do this, yet she still does it. or not to mess with my dvd collection. I am just glad she hasn't run out in traffic, because quite honestly if I told her no or to stop she just wouldn't. I am working so hard with her, I hope I can fix this before she gets older and brattier. D and I are doing great. I didn't really expect us to make it work, but honestly I am falling in love with him more and more each day. He is a good man and really showed his true colors through the labor and delivery and post pardom and all of that. He has incredible strenth. I guess mostly because he put up with me during my low points. He must actually love me. He is currently working 1st shift for my dad's company - still through the temp agency though. He leaves the house at 5:30AM and sometimes doesn't get home until 7PM. He works an hour away so lots of travel time too. At least gas prices went down finally. He does help with the baby for the most part, although not in the night time as I predicted. With me being back to work he really will have to help me in the night now though. He is not going to like that one bit. L met her dad, Chris, a few weeks ago. we met at the mall food court. He is so annoying and has not changed one bit. I cringe just thinking about him. But we have met there 3 times so far since I started receiving child support. I guess now that he's paying for his daughter he might as well see her, gag me. I told him that before he can start just taking her he needs to show some consistancy and actually be a parent. I also told him that it might be a year or 2 before I start letting him take her. I actually should wait 3 since that is how long he was absent for. In my state though custody and child support are 2 seperate issues so really I do not have to let him see her at all, I am just being nice. He would have to get a lawyer to actually get custody or whatever. I don't see him doing that. But his fiance might I suppose. She is also the one, I'm sure of it, that is pushing him to keep seeing L. Oh well I know it's good for her to see him, even though I really do not want her subjected to that part of her being. I got one check so far from Chris. That was a good feeling to finally get something from him. He didn't even bring L anything when he saw her that first time, or any of the times he has seen her. He hasn't bought anything for her. so sad. I better get to work now. It's almost nice to be back because I get a mini vacation away from L. Sad to say I know, but we really can not spend 24/7 together anymore or I think I would have gone insane. I already noticed I was much happier last night to see her and we laughed and had a pleasant evening. Well, time to work.