complain much?

Ok I need to get this all out of my system before I literally explode. Chris is a deadbeat and I hate him with my entirety. I probably put too much energy in to hating him. Anyway, I received a letter yesterday that he went to the courts and told them he demands more parenting time with L. Why didn't he just ask me? Well, he did ask me if he could start taking her and I of course said no. So this is probably why. Now the courts are going to get involved and pretty much make my life more of a hell than it already is. Arg. So i am pretty sure that once this gets rolling, they(the courts) can decide to let Chris start taking L overnight? Not sure but I think that's how it works. I am so pissed for this situation. It's my own fault since I'm the one that had the sex then had the baby of this loser, but he does not deserve to be in her life at all. I need to get this all in writing so that I can remember. But he started seeing her November 15th 08-1hour. November 22nd-1hr. November 29th he was a no show. December 6th - 45min. Dec. 13th- brought his sister- 1 hour. December 22nd - did not bring L a christmas gift -45min. December 27- no show. January 3rd - 45 minutes. January 10th - called and siad he was too tired - no show. He agreed upon meeting up with us on saturdays so i'm not sure why he went to the court, but I guess he wants to take her now. After seeing her 6 times and she STILL does not talk about it or even know that he is her dad, yet he wants to start taking her. So now I have to go to court on March 6th and discuss parenting time again. This is such bull shit. I hate myself for ever applying for assistance. Did I mention that I got denied for everything I even applied for so it was a stupid decision yet again made by me. I feel like every decision I make is stupid. I feel like I AM stupid. I just don't feel it's fair that I be dealing with all this stress when he is the one that has been a no show for the 1st 3 years of her life..I am the one that has had to deal with everything and here he comes to now all of a sudden save the day? I can not wrap my head around this at all. And he hasn't changed, I talk to him and it's like he is the same person, I am just now a stronger person. He told me the last time I went to the mall to meet up with him that it looks like I have everything going for me and I seem truly happy. I truly was happy only a couple weeks ago. what the hell happened. I was laying in bed last night and thought that if I do end up dying that I accept that and actually it doesn't sound half bad? I have this fear of death that I've had my whole life, which I am sure everyone has. I have that surgery next month and it makes me think about dying constantly. Plus I've had some abnormal things going on in my body and I automatically think its the worst and that I will die. Yes I suppose that isn't healthy to think like that. Then I called my mom to tell her about this letter and I am saying how it's bullshit and she just says, well that is what is going to happen, he is going to start taking her. I didn't want to hear that, I wanted her to complain with me, I wanted her to support me. She has changed so much and is not the mom I used to have. I feel so alone in this and feel like everyone is against me in this. As if Chris is some great guy and deserves to have L half the time. no no he is an abusive prick that deserves to go to hell. I didn't get my paycheck this week. It is usually in my bank account on Thursday evenings and it's not there. Something else. I got the info in the mail yesterday regarding the surgery. They call it a d&c/cervical laseration..I've never had one before and not even sure what it stands for. my pre-op appt will be 2/9 so I will ask all my questions then, but it does scare me a little bit. My anxiety is spinning out of control again. I would go and see the counselor that I was seeing in years past. I went and saw her back in 02 then in 03 or 04 I stopped seeing her and told her I was OK. I ended up going back to her in 06-07 and then stopped seeing her again and told her she would not be seeing me again because I am fine. How can I go back a third time? I would feel like such a failure. I keep thinking of calling her though. I don't know how much more I can take. I was frusterated with D again too, but then he revived himself and cleaned the whole house and had dinner made when i got out of work last night. How can I be mad at that. He texted me and said he just wants to do whatever he can to make me happy How can he do that? I have never had a guy say that to me before. I didn't even have to answer he already knew ( since he cleaned the house and made dinner ) funny the things that make you happy when you are old and with kids. J slept for 6 hours strait in her crib last night! that was a record! I still sleptin L's room though, it felt nice to get some uninterrupted sleep. I went to the tanner again last night, it was so relaxing. I have a skin check next month though so that is good. I don't plan on tanning too much, just maybe once a week or once every couple weeks. I'm against tanning, but now that I've been depressed, the sunlight I thought could do me some good. Even though it's been my enemy in the past. I feel better just purging all of that out of my system on to this blog. I don't have anything else to say right now.