visit #5

This past week I've been feeling a little bit more at peace with the whole situation. I figure, some kids have it a lot worse. The whole situation could be a lot worse. And for that I am grateful. I keep telling myself not to be selfish, that this isn't about me. It's about Chris wanting to get to know his daughter, even though he's about 4 years late for that and I will forever be bitter about that, but there really is nothing I can do about it now so why not just let it go. Just for my own health reasons, I need to just breathe and let it all go. A new start. If he wants to get to know her, then I suppose I should be happy about that. It should be good for her. Even though last night was annoying. I get there and the lady asked Chris to take her hand and take her back. She just clung to me and wouldn't budge. So I said, well can I just carry her back please? Since Chris was just standing there not helping the situation one bit, hands in pockets. So I carry her back and she starts crying saying she wants to play with me. So I tell her that we will play later as I'm prying her off of me. She still clings. The lady finally pretty much forced me to walk out and I still hear L crying for me. Very heartbreaking. I'm not sure what my rights are, but I honestly don't think I'm court ordered to leave her crying in there? I need to find that out. She of course was fine after a few minutes, but it still sucked. My sunglasses fell off my head as I was trying to get her to get off of me and Chris picked them up for me and I said thanks..so that was an improvement, I actually made eye contact too, so who knows. But then..they were donewith the visit and I was trying to get out of there as quick as possible. So I said let's get going. And Chris is carrying her out of the building so I said, No, I got her and he's like, No, I got her. So he just walks out of the building carrying her!! I was so pissed off. I ran up to him and pretty much grabbed her and was just like, come on L! He really is trying to control this situation and it's really pissing me off. But there again, I need to just let it go. I need to find peace with this somehow. Our last visit is next week then I'm not sure what happens. I'm sure it's not good though. I'm sure that he's going to end up getting to take her every other weekend or some bs. I really think he has that right being her bio dad and all. Not that I like it, I think it's fucked up and the court system is a crock. But I have to smile and let it go. Because if I don't then I look like the bad guy.