Friday, March 27, 2009

ick.

I saw Chris this past Saturday at his grandparents house with L and my dad went too. It was HORRIBLE. Chris makes me ill. The sight of him alone makes my stomache turn, and then he speaks. He has not a clue on what he is doing with L. He has not a clue in regards to anything. We get there and sit on the couch. L is clinging to me. Chris finally decides, after about 15 minutes, to go and get some legos. He brings them over to her and walks back to the other side of the room. She asks him to play with her. He ignores her. So she asks me to play with her. So I get down on the floor and start playing with her, building castles and such. About 20 more minutes later, he finally comes over and starts to build something with us. Then she decides she doesn't want to do that anymore so then he starts feeding her all this candy. It was around lunch time and he had nothing for her to eat. Had no toys for her to play with besides these 20 year old dusty legos. At this point I'm just sitting on the couch trying not to look at him. So then I see the lamp that I bought him for Christmas nearly 5 years ago sitting on his grandparents end table. nice. Oh and to make it better, it's a Dale Earnhart Jr. lamp. Anyway, then they go to the back bedroom and I can hear him taking all sorts of pictures of her, etc, then she starts coloring. Well she calls him Chris and he gets all mad at her, saying "who am I, what's my name?" "that's DAD to you." So she calls him daddy a couple of times but then again calls him Chris later and he doesn't even acknowledge her and throws a fit that she won't call him dad! Um, hello? YOU ARE NOT HER DAD! ugh. He has no clue!!!! I didn't say anything, God I wanted to. I stopped myself though. So then around 1 I finally get up and tell him that if he wants to hang out longer he will need to feed her lunch. So he let us go. Nice parenting right there! Then he set something up with my dad to see L again on Tuesday night. So my dad and his gf took L on Tuesday to see him again, Dad said that this time was much worse. First of all, L didn't even want to go see Chris. She kept whining and said she wanted to stay home with mommy. So I had to promise her ice cream for her return. So then I guess they got there and Chris was just sitting in a chair watching TV and didn't pay any attention to L at all. My dad said they sat there for an hour just hanging out with L, by themselves! Chris doesn't get it at all. It's almost like he is expecting L to make the first move or something. He didn't have any new toys there for her, no snacks, no clothes, no nothing. She has never gotten anything from this boy. Nothing. He's not working. I haven't gotten any child support since Feb. and that was for a total amt of $169, which doesn't even buy a weeks worth of day care. He is supposed to start taking parenting classes, per the order of the judge. I am not sure if I am supposed to keep having play dates like this until he starts or if I don't have to. I have no idea. I am just complying right now because if this thing goes to trial I do not want anything to look bad on my part. Although I am going to tell Chris that I am not doing this twice a week bullshit. He can see her every other Saturday. that's enough right now. L doesn't even know him, or interact with him. at all. It really does make my heart hurt and ache for her. I wish she had a great dad. But she will just have to settle for a great mom and all I can do is my best. It's been difficult through the years having to fill both roles. I am planning to write a little journal for L. Telling her specifically all the details with Chris. Only because one day I anticipate him telling her that the only reason he could never see her was because of her mom. And when that day comes, I will simply hand her the journal.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

trying again

Yep. I took him back. Things are still not 100% of course, but he is trying and right now things are great. I know I'm silly and that it may not be the best decision in the world, but the way I feel is that he deserves this chance and it really seems to be better. Of course the x-box is still not in the home so that could be why. We'll see. He really has changed though. Yesterday I went to an all day seminar for work and the topic was: Domestic/Family Violence. It was so informational and I learned a LOT! I know what to look for now, and signs. This of course was supposed to be designed for my clients, but it also worked in my personal life too. I almost mentioned the incident that happened to ask what they thought, but I ended up not. One thing that I learned that I was really surprised on was that people that are violent really CAN change. Whereas, I used to think that once an abuser always an abuser but that's really not the case. Abuse is a learned behavior. But she said that it can be unlearned and something can replace that behavior or a new way of thinking. When someone is a child and witnesses abuse everyday, they may live their life saying, "I'm never going to be like my dad/mom." But then of course they end up abusing their loved ones as well. Because, that is all they know. When they get pissed off, they are going to hit or throw or break stuff, because that is all they have ever known and that is how they 'learned' to cope. I told all this to D too. It really made a lot of sense to me. I definitley do not want to make excuses for why the way he was, but it does make sense. He knows what he did was wrong, and he has appologized many many times now. He knows his behavior was out of line and that it was unacceptable. He doesn't know why he did what he did, but this seminar almost gave us the answer. I just hope that nothing like this ever happens again. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells, I don't feel like I need to be or act a certain way when I am with D, I don't feel vulnerable. at all. So I think that is a good sign too. Actually our love seems to be growing even more, and it's almost as if this whole experience has made us stronger as a couple, as crappy as that sounds!! Well, My biggest loser competition started yesterday here at work! I got weighed in today since I was at that seminar yesterday, but I weigh 205lbs :( :( I'm so hungry today too, but I want to win this competition! I think this game might really help me to actually lose weight. We are on teams of 3, so we can't let our teamates down, it's been fun so far. Today someone put candy in all our mailboxes trying to get us to give in, it's hilarious. Should be a fun time and a healthy thing for our company to do! I need to bring a camera in yet to take 'before' pictures of everyone! Other than that, nothing too new is going on. I had an ulcer behind my eye, but that is pretty much cleared up now finally! I hate wearing my glasses, so today I finally get to wear my contacts again for the first time in a bout 10 days! Time to get back to work!

Monday, March 9, 2009

There are no words

I'm not sure how to even put in to words how I am feeling today. A love/hate thing is definitley tugging at my heart and it's making it so difficult to decide or think about anything. Friday we ended up not having to work due to the power being out, so that was wonderful! I got a day off and I had no plans, no sick kids, I wasn't sick, the kids were at day care..wow, what a wonderful treat! I got soooooo much done that I've been wanting to get done. But back to Thursday. I had court with Chris on Thursday re: he wanted more parenting time. He showed up, which is surprising since I hadn't heard from him since 1/25/09. To my surprise he is living in PA with his sister and is getting his G.E.D. and looking for a job. What a winner he is! So the judge guy said something like, "I just don't understand how you could be gone from your child's life for 3 years, I have kids and it just doesn't make any sense to me." so that was cool! He started saying all of these lies, such as, well everytime I would call Jill she seemed to be busy, etc. or my personal fave. she wouldn't let me see L. So I set the record strait. Chris was being so immature and everything I said he would start to argue with me. God, what the hell was I thinking ever looking eyes at him, ew, I was discusted so much by him, and so many times I just wanted to reach across that table and strangle him! ugh. The result of the hearing is that Chris needs to take parenting classes and continue now with court-ordered supervised visits. So now, Chris said he felt like a criminal every time he visited with his daughter since he couldn't take her by himself. I wonder how he will feel now that the court will be supervising also! What an idiot that he thought that this meeting would allow for him to take his daughter whenever he wants. yuck. Oh and he wants to take her one weekend a month, said he will be driving back to town about 1 weekend a month and would like to have his daughter that weekend. Ok. end of that story. Makes me sick, but nothing I can do about it. Gotta love that he's still not working! Now on to the D situation. I still don't know what I am doing. He is being so perfect and sweet and I just have no idea what to do. I love him, that is for sure a fact. and the truth is, he seems to have changed. I know they say that men don't change and it will probably just get bad again. But he just seems so different. Like a light has been turned on inside for him. So we'll see. He knows that he's still on probation and we are just seeing where things will go from here. He's been staying at my house though. That, I think, is a little too soon, but I don't know what else to do. He doesn't have any place else to go so I'm letting him stay with me. My mom is obviously not happy and wants him out of my house. She is not happy and I hate that. I just want things to be perfect. Oh and get this. He asked me to marry him! I just said something like, how dare you ask me that, and of course said NO! I don't have any idea why he would do that now, what shitty timing! He's obviously scared of losing me though. He is willing to do anything to be with me he said. He's even going to quit smoking. I really hope I don't sound like one of those stupid girls that stay with the abuser. He honestly has never physically hurt me, but yes, did hold me hostage in my own home., but he feels really bad and remorseful and said he's so happy that I'm even talking to him right now. God, I really hope I'm doing the right thing by even talking to him. He's been super with L right now too. She is so happy with him there. She really missed him a lot. Maybe in this instance it's okay for me to hear him out and have him show me how he's changed. I'm usually a really good judge of character and can read people pretty well. Know when someone is lying, etc. With Chris is was a no question type of deal. He'd be mean to me, and I'd try to be nice to him and he'd just be meaner. So I finally just said get out. He never tried to reform, never cared, was just a flat out jerk, no excuses. I put up with it until I was prego with L and he physically hurt me while pregnant, there was NO way he was going to hurt my baby again, so I kicked him out. I am not sure what would of happened had I not gotten prego. I think I would have wised up eventually. Who knows. I didn't love him though. I know that and even knew it back then. I didnt miss him at all. I missed having someone there, but didn't miss him. Why I even ever hooked up with him in the first place will always haunt me, I didn't like him when i met him! I guess I can just say that L is the whole reason for that and then just wash my hands of it. I just hate that L has to be subjected to him. ugh. D looks like a saint in comparison. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I think even if people, such as my mom, told me to run away, I'd still try to work things out with him. He is the love of my life, it's hard to just walk away from it and not try a little bit anyways. If he fucks up at all, he knows it's over. So I just don't see anything like that happening. blah.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

thinking things over

He wants to try and make things work. Which I knew was going to eventually come about. I am in a spot right now where I have to make a decision and I have no idea what to do. So I choose nothing. I need more time, so I'm not going to make any rash decisions. I think he thinks that this is some quick fix thing, when it's so very much not. I don't know what to do. He came over Saturday and basically started crying because of how bad he feels. We've been texting back and forth quite a bit. The reality of it though, is that I miss him deeply and I think what I had felt for him pre-Sunday was real and something I have never felt for anyone else in the past. The house feels empty without him there. He wants one month to prove/show me that he can be a better man. L has been happier in the house without him there. And I'm not even sure if it's her that's happier, or if it's me, or if I'm paying more attention to her now. I'm finding more time with her. And actually, it's been a lot of fun just being us. But then she goes to bed. and. there I am again, alone, scared. No one is there for me, no one is calling, no one is texting, except for the one that hurt me only one week ago. He wants to be in my life, whereas everyone else has their own lives going on and don't seem to care about mine, except him, he wants to share in my life and be a part of it. blah! I hate that I keep going round and round with this. You'd think it would be an easy answer. But of course not. He wants to show me, and I have no idea if I should give him the chance. He says if I ever take a risk on anything in my life, let it be this. Of course he would say that though, correct? He let me in a little bit by telling me some things of his past. Like how he grew up in a household where his dad was a drunk and beat up his mom all the time. How he used to have to defend his mom. and when he was 18 he threw his dad in to a dresser and hurt him pretty badly. He grew up in a house where his dad duct taped his hands and feet and mouth and threw him in his bedroom for some unknown reason. He vowed never to turn in to his father and that is why to this day he will not touch alcohol. He grew up in a house where his dad would break stuff and even one year threw the Christmas tree and broke all of the ornaments. Grew up in a house where his mom would be the one to come and take the tape off, console him. Okay, so if he doesn't want to turn in to his father, then why is he? Is he capable of reversing the family tradition? Do people ever really change? My mom works in the court system and says, no, people don't change and the fact is, the next time something like this happens, it will be worse. He says he wants to marry me someday, that he wants to grow old with me, help me out more and give me the love and support I deserve. I don't know how to even hear any of it because I was just hurt by him one week ago. This sucks. L misses him so very much. She talks about him all the time, wants him. It's hard to even begin to explain this to a 3 year old. I let him spend the night last night. We stayed up talking until 12am..he started crying again because he started talking about his dead mom and how much he misses her. He never used to even bring her up he feels lost and quite honestly he probably wishes she was here so that he would have somewhere to go. I do feel bad for that reason. Because she sounds like the type that would do anything for him. He keeps saying that he feels lost and just wants his family back. I honestly have no idea what to do here. I'm at a complete loss. So all I'm going to do is wait and let more time pass. At this point, I will let him come over still because he's being a great help right now since he's trying to kiss my butt, so I'm letting him help all he wants. Other than that, no clue. I have court on Thursday with Chris, I have no idea if he is going to show up since I havent heard from him now in over a month. I'm thinking he will come to court though, I have a feeling he was just waiting for court so that he wouldn't have to deal with my dad any more and let the courts decide when and where he sees his kid. I'm not at all prepared for this. I'm scared out of my mind. Not to mention work has me more stressed than ever, I literally broke out in hives this morning. I am on my lunch break right now and want to work, but yet I really needed a break. I absolutely 100% hate my job and it makes it hard to wake up every morning knowing that this is what I have to come and do. I did make friends with a new employee though so that is the upside of things. I didn't really have any friends here before, well I had one and she quit not long ago. I just need to get away so bad! I don't really know how that is going to happen though. Maybe I should make it happen! Not running away, just taking a short weekend getaway.