it's hard

I am going back to my house today. I've been staying with my mom the past few days and now I know why I moved out of there in the first place. It's hard living with her. So today we are going to go back. D doesn't have keyes to my deadbolt locks so I'm just going to make sure that those are locked and I will feel safe and secure. I finally talked to him yesterday. He's feeling very remorseful. In fact, some text messeges I got say things like, I will do anything , I love you, I'm sorry, I'm scared I'm going to lose you, I need you, blah blah blah. It pains my heart to read these messeges and if it was 5 years ago and if I didn't have children, I probably would have went right back to him. But I've wisened up and there is no way in hell I am getting myself in to that kind of situation again. The next time something like this happened it could have been way worse. I can't put L in this type of environment. I can't trust this guy now with anything, let alone my little girl. Why in the world would I let him back in to the house. On the other hand though, I miss him. I miss it. I ache. But I know it's for the best, so I am being strong. I took J to his aunt's house last night so that he could see her, we stayed an hour and it was fine. He is back to normal and no more crazed look in his eyes. I told him that maybe in time we could do some counseling together, but right now that is not going to happen. I'm not going to sugarcoat how I feel, and I'm not going to be a bitch either. I just want him aware of whats going on. I do not feel as threatened with him as I did with ex Chris. I think because this was soooo out of the norm for him to snap like this. It wasn't like this was always how he was. And I know he feels really bad about it. I guess it is time to wait and see what his next move is. Right now though, I am staying alone and not intending to go back to him for a long long time and possibly forever if he doesn't do anything to change his actions, ie, counseling. I can't go back to that without some sort of change. I'm really not okay with the situation yet it still hasn't completley settled in. I'm feeling very vulnerable and so scared. I hate this limbo stage. I just want to go home.