and so this is Christmas.

Whoever says Christmas is a day of relaxation does not do Christmas the way my family does Christmas. Seriously. I was begging my mom for one of her Xanax last night. Of course in the end I would not have taken it because I'm not certain if they are compatible with breastfeeding. But I did have 1 wine cooler and that seemed to help for a mini minute. Last weekend D got a phone call in the middle of the night that his cousin had been in a snowmobile accident and was in route to the hospital. The weather conditions were so bad that they could not airlift her. 12/23/08, they pulled the plug and she's now gone from us. She was only 21 years young. Such a tragedy. She hit a tree in the snowmobile. Very scarey! I just saw her on Thanksgiving. I made D take a picture of her with J. I am so glad I did that. The funeral home is tonight and tomorrow is the funeral. and I'm sick. I can't breathe - I hate this. I have been sick for almost 2 months now and this is the way it went last winter also. I'm ready to beat myself up because I'm so over being sick. I have no immune system. no cold medicines work for me. Ok I'm done whining about that. Christmas was..overwhelming. I wanted to cry so many different times. Not at all how I envisioned it this year. First of all, D didn't even go with us to church. At the last minute he says how he does not go to church and how he made that clear to me a long time ago. So he sat at home alone while I dragged my butt to church and was so overly exhausted as it was after preparing for Christmas Eve all day and then getting the kids ready and looking cute. Not to mention, about a half hour before church, L got mad at me and smashed a snow globe on the kitchen counter, letting glass shatter all over to the floor below in nothing else but...J's carseat. I sent her to her room while she was crying and I was yelling of couse saying things like, How dare you! I still can't believe what a different kid she can turn in to, she gets so mad, I am wondering if my terror might have ADD or something, but then I wonder if I'm just like every other mother that thinks her childs behavior must be a diagnosis. sigh. So I got the carseat cleaned out and off to c hurch. After church had to run to my mom's house to pick up something she forgot to bring to my aunt's house, go to the ATM for my brother, pick up D(grrrrr), then off to my aunt's house only to find. TOTAL CHAOS. She has a bunch of grandkids and mixed with my kids, it was insane. Kids everywhere, presents everywhere. I'm fighting this cold so I couldn't even taste the wonderful looking meal. The only break I got was when I had to leave the room to breastfeed J. Got L home at 10PM Christmas Eve and still had to wrap a couple more things, D's sister showed up at 11PM and needed a ride home ( she lives 30 miles away!) so..he was gone until about 1AM due to the weather conditions outside. So I got everything semi situated in the living room, couldn't do too much though due to my infant all of sudden finding her lungs. Then Christmas morning D woke me up to open gifts because he went and got his daughter around 7:30AM - these people are nuts and have you no respect for the working mother who is insanely tired?! ok. Coffee in, I'm ready to go. Kids open all of their stuff and they had a great time doing this. D gets his XBox and now it's say goodbye to him(my own fault, I am aware). But I really hoped he would have helped set up the kid's stuff since he was so adament on opening gifts so fucking early in the morning. Anyway, L stepped in his eyeline while he was trying to play his video game and he yelled at her. ugh. He can be a real crabby guy sometimes. Not sure where this is going. So we go to my mom's for breakfast, all the while D is bitching because we are with my family entirely too much. Heaven forbid I want to be with them on Christmas! so I got L ready and off we went at 11AM, then to his aunt's house until about 2 then home to relax until my mom's house again for dinner with the extended family. Meanwhile I was trying to get my Ipod hooked up on to the computer, I've never worked one before so I sat there for an hour trying to get it figured out and then realized it was 4:30 PM and we needed to be to my mom's house. I called over there and everyone was allready there. again, sigh. D had just called a friend to come and help me with the ipod so I said goodbye and left alone again to my mom's house. He took his daughter home at 6 and didn't get to my mom's house until 7:30. breathe, Jill, Breathe. BREATHE! It was at dinner time when I casually asked my mother for the xanax, to which she replied to just have a cold glass of water, wait 20 minutes and if I still need one she will give it to me, but I opted for the wine cooler instead of the xanax. Meanwhile my house is still a complete mess from Christmas morning as I had no time to even look at it or start thinking of where everything is going to go in my tiny little house. I got home around 10PM last night and finally got J to sleep at 12AM and was too exhausted to clean after that and had to be to work this am, so here I sit at work knowing my house is a mess and I hate that. I will start at one corner tonight and just keep pushing until it's done. I hate a messy house. D has been no help lately. I do feel for him and his entire family for this tragedy that they have just endured and I truly have no room to complain when looking at the big picture. It's just a lot piling up on me, and I honestly feel like I'm sinking. I feel amess. I feel like i'm drowning in the ocean and there is no sign of help in any direction, I'm lost and alone. I'm a mother and would LOVE to know how some moms can be so calm and collected, or is it all a charade? Or did they luck out and are their kids good? Where did I go wrong? My 3 year old hates my guts already and she's only 3. I never wanted to be this kind of a mother, but I can not control my kid so I had to start being strict, even though I yell at her she still doesn't listen. I am against hitting my children so I restrain from that, but I'm starting to rethink that, she may just need a good butt kicking because I am at my wits end. She throws tantrums all the time now. I miss my 2 year old. Who said 3 was worse than 2? They were right. Although 28 is bad too. Dbf acts like such a child it is very annoying, I'm starting to wonder if we will last. I love him a lot and hes a good man and good to me. Just not sure where it's going or if this is actually the one for me and my kids. Him and L do not get a long at all right now and I hate that. L is my world and to see her unhappy with him bothers me like crazy. They argue all the time, and he teases her constantly. I hate that. I tell him not to, but that just makes him upset. I feel like everything i do is for him and he does nothing in return. He's selfish and I don't think he knows it. I stopped getting child support. Chris has been laid off now for 3 weeks. big surprise there. I got all of 2 payments and now they've stopped. well, we see where this is going. It got old fast for him I suppose. He saw her last weekend with my dad. I didn't even go. She still doesn't really get it. She thinks my dad is her dad and is all sorts confused. I haven't tried to explain it yet. I know she is going through a lot between Chris and having the new baby in the house, but it's really hard to have patience with her when I have worked all day and have a screaming baby to attend to all night, not to mention D pissed off because he can't sleep either, god forbid. He wakes up 1 hour earlier every morning, I think he could be decent and help me ,but no such luck. I'm all alone again but this time worse because I'm not living with my mom. She was a much better help than D. Sorry to say but it's true. Funeral home tonight so hopefully I can find some time to clean a little bit at least. I feel better with a clean house. I need to think of a resolution yet..

Back....

I'm back. And incase anyone is still checking in with me, I do not want to open up blogger anywhere but at work because I would hate for certain eyes to see this as it is pretty much my journal, and I know things can be saved in history on computers. Anyway. Well, J has been born on 9/21/08. It is amazing how different 2 babies can be. J is a breeze compared to miss L. Things are going pretty smooth and I just feel so much better, my hormones I think have finally levelled off and I am pretty much back to normal. Ack, besides the fact that I haven't taken my thyroid medication in over 3 weeks! whoops. I put it away because I was having company over and out of sight out of mind. i am getting bloodwork done to see where that stands. I know I will need to continue the meds though because I am losing my hair like crazy. Having 2 kids is so incredibly different then having one. It is truley amazing how a little infant can disorganize everything. She is almost 3 months now and is just so happy in life. She smiles all the time, it is addicting. L is a pita right now. She is not too jealous of J, but she is acting out a LOT. I think she got bored sitting home with me for 11 weeks because she just does not listen and gets in to everything and I cant seem to discipline this one. I lose my temper with her quite often because she should know right from wrong by now. Like not coloring on the floor anymore. I have told her repeatedly not to do this, yet she still does it. or not to mess with my dvd collection. I am just glad she hasn't run out in traffic, because quite honestly if I told her no or to stop she just wouldn't. I am working so hard with her, I hope I can fix this before she gets older and brattier. D and I are doing great. I didn't really expect us to make it work, but honestly I am falling in love with him more and more each day. He is a good man and really showed his true colors through the labor and delivery and post pardom and all of that. He has incredible strenth. I guess mostly because he put up with me during my low points. He must actually love me. He is currently working 1st shift for my dad's company - still through the temp agency though. He leaves the house at 5:30AM and sometimes doesn't get home until 7PM. He works an hour away so lots of travel time too. At least gas prices went down finally. He does help with the baby for the most part, although not in the night time as I predicted. With me being back to work he really will have to help me in the night now though. He is not going to like that one bit. L met her dad, Chris, a few weeks ago. we met at the mall food court. He is so annoying and has not changed one bit. I cringe just thinking about him. But we have met there 3 times so far since I started receiving child support. I guess now that he's paying for his daughter he might as well see her, gag me. I told him that before he can start just taking her he needs to show some consistancy and actually be a parent. I also told him that it might be a year or 2 before I start letting him take her. I actually should wait 3 since that is how long he was absent for. In my state though custody and child support are 2 seperate issues so really I do not have to let him see her at all, I am just being nice. He would have to get a lawyer to actually get custody or whatever. I don't see him doing that. But his fiance might I suppose. She is also the one, I'm sure of it, that is pushing him to keep seeing L. Oh well I know it's good for her to see him, even though I really do not want her subjected to that part of her being. I got one check so far from Chris. That was a good feeling to finally get something from him. He didn't even bring L anything when he saw her that first time, or any of the times he has seen her. He hasn't bought anything for her. so sad. I better get to work now. It's almost nice to be back because I get a mini vacation away from L. Sad to say I know, but we really can not spend 24/7 together anymore or I think I would have gone insane. I already noticed I was much happier last night to see her and we laughed and had a pleasant evening. Well, time to work.

My crazy emotions

Well, yesterday was the day when I had to meet Chris face to face again. It was tough, I'm not going to lie. Three years since that loser last saw his daughter, he's never even given us a cent, or a diaper for that matter, and here I am having to face him all because the government forced me to. I really hate how they say the gov't has no control over society because in fact, they do. I'm not even eligible for any kind of public assistance, but just because I applied they forced me in to this, I honestly didn't even have a choice, I just got a letter that said there was a hearing. The fact that this lady we met with yesterday was totally and completely on Chris' side did not help matters either. We arrived at the same time and had to sit in the lobby together, he kept whispering things to me such as, how are you doing? How is she doing? Which I replied with one word answers. Then he has the nerve to say: She must have grown! No shit dumbass! I didn't even reply, just shook my head. I couldn't even look him in the eye, I have so much hate for this person, I really think I may need help in this department. Anyway, we go in to this small room with the child support specialist ie: this lady that is on Chris' side. He has this act going that he is all father of the year. Says how he really has been meaning to give us money, etc etc..then the words that I never hoped I'd hear. When can I see her, I thought that this was what this meeting was about. No, this meeting was to get the child support payment established. Which it got established, then she kept reducing it for him after he would whine. I didn't say many words, I just sat there silently wishing I had strength. I was a woman of few words yesterday, and not sure if that helped me or not. I wanted to punch him in the face so many different times. Like when he said how he understands that having a baby is expensive. OR when he said he had no idea child care was so expensive. or when he said he could just take her during the day so I don't have to pay for day care. UGH. He did reveal that he has a fiance and that she has children, so I'm wondering if she is telling him what to say, it really was such an act. Then he said he realizes that if he gets a better paying job that he is willing to pay more, etc etc. They lowballed me for sure, I am getting crap for c.s. and ya know what? I don't even give a shit. I don't want his dirty money anyways, and that is exactly how I think of it. I'm getting it direct deposited in to L's bank account and not touching it, unless I get desperate and she needs new clothes or something and I just can't make ends meet then that would be the only way I would delve in to it. Otherwise, it's hers. So then the lady said that both parties need to agree on visitation - so I said I would be okay with meeting at a park or something so that he could meet her - even though just saying that had me swallowing my heart. We exchanged phone numbers and that was that. Nothing was forced custody wise, the paper says I have physical and sole custody of L. So that is one good thing. It's just this pitt in my stomache now. It literally hurts and my heart aches. I have no strength left and I just wish I would have done something differently. Gotten my Master's degree so that I could have a better paying job so I wouldn't of even had to apply for stupid assistance in the first place. If there was any way that I could have avoided yesterdays events I just wish I knew. It also stated I can not move out of state unless approved by the court. So I am hoping to find some kick ass job out of state, because that is one way that the court would approve it and that would get me the hell away from him. The hardest part yesterday is that D was/is out of town and can not be there for me. I got home and wanted to just break down and cry. But then decided he's not worth it. So I just sat there in silence for about an hour, then went and picked up L. D had to travel for work and will not be home until Wednesday late night :( I desperately just wanted to hold him. Seeing Chris just made me love D that much more. I would never replace L for the world, so I know that what I had to go through was worth it in the big picture, but sooo not worth it with how I am looking at it right now. He said something else like, yeah we can do supervised visits a couple of times before I start taking her. I just laughed under my breath. "start taking her" should not even be in his vocabulary. I will flee the country before he just starts taking her. Good God! So yes, I suppose I have some emotional baggage that goes along with this event, but he hasn't changed. People don't just change. His behavior and having to listen to his voice yesterday told me that he hasn't changed. I hate him. and hate him more for not just letting us go. I wish I knew the future and what is to come of all of this. It is too soon to tell, but this pit stomache is back and now it's here to stay. blah.

I'm hot. I'm tired. I'm READY!

Okay, I'm officially ready for my little girl to come out and meet the world. I'm done. I'm so tired of work, I'm tired of not being able to bend, I'm just plain tired. I know I will be even more tired once peanut arrives, but seriously my hips are killing me and I can hardly sleep as it is. I'd rather be comfortable and not getting any sleep than vice versa. ugh. Not to mention my feet are swollen and my hands and fingers. Even someone told me at work that my nose looked bigger. Not nice. I hate my job and can not wait to be done for 3 months, I think that is what I'm looking forward to the most. I just don't know how it's going to work out financially or how or if I'm going to still send L to daycare, but I'm hoping those answers will come to me while I'm off. At my appointment on Weds. They said I was less than 1 cm dialated and still thick, but very soft. So I'm assuming I have a ways to go yet. This coming Weds is my next appt and they are going to strip my membranes, so I have that to look forward to! Maybe this weekend it will happen naturally though? I hope so. Court is on Monday with Chris and I have major anxiety over this..it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. He had one of my ex friends, I lost quite a few friends after our break up, they all stayed friends with him, but he had one of them call one of my friends that actually stayed by my side, and was asking for my phone number for Chris because he really needs to talk to Jill. Well no shit he does, he wants to settle on some sort of child support before the court orders it. My friend was awesome though because she told the ex friend, well I don't feel comfortable giving out Jill's number but why don't you give me chris' and I can get it to her. YAY for friends! So my friend called to see if I wanted it since he was trying to get a hold of me, but I just said no thank you. Anyway, I bet he has to be worried too about what is going to happen. I wonder if he will even want to be in our child's life? I think that is something that is worrying me in the back of my mind. That he won't. The fact that he doesn't care. never did. It hurts me all over again to know he is like that. And deep down I know that I do want her to have her dad in her life, just wish it didn't have to be him that is for sure, but I know deep down that it is the right thing and that it could be a positive thing if he actually stepped up to the plate. But I have a feeling that he will not. He's a deadbeat loser and I feel awful that has to be that amazing Little girl's father. I can only hope that one day D decides to step up and be her real dad. I would love that. I know it's a huge thing to say or do though and I know in time he would like to because he has commented about it before. But probably a ways down the road yet. I'm going to go to court on Monday and just be confidant and say as minimal as possible. Look as good as I can. Get the child support monies in order and then bolt out of there so fast. I have to take time off from work for this so that is annoying also. Oh which reminds me I still haven't talked to my boss about that yet. This weekend D has A, but he's not getting her until tomorrow morning so that is kind of nice. She has another soccor game and it's in her home town so hes' just going to pick her up after the game. He wants me to go but it's during L's dance class so I don't think I will go. Even though my dad and his gf are coming up to take L to dance, I still maybe will want to sleep during that time. I can be selfish right now, correct? I am beyond ready to have this baby though. I feel like my due date has come and gone, even though it's not until next Saturday. My co-workers are so sweet. They had a luncheon today for me and probably 5 or 6 of them got me gifts! I was so shocked. One even hand made me a baby blankey, it is just adorable!! I really need to apologize to them for being a hormonal bitchy prego woman these past like 6 months :( D needs an apology too. As well as L. My patience is at a zero right now with her and I snap at her so quickly, it's not fair. Her and D are probably so ready for me to be done being pregnant. I can honestly say I didn't like myself much the past couple of months. I'm feeling better right now though, mainly because I know i'm close to the end. My car seat got installed, but it's really cock-eyed, I dunno how to fix it. Hopefully someone at work might be able to help me. I was going to have Stacie clean my house for $30 but I'm too cheap I guess because I decided against it, I might as well get my fat butt doing it myself. That's all for now I guess.

waiting......

Now is just the waiting game, waiting for baby to come out safe and sound. Everything I wanted done is done and that makes me very happy. The car seat needs to be installed, or base rather, but I'm not even worried about that, D could always do it even at the hospital. The base and car seat are at least in the vehicle. I've been having contractions pretty regularly now, but not any that are making me double over and nothing really on a schedule, so I'm pretty sure now that I will be making it to my due date, which I guess is not that big of a deal. I'm pretty at peace with the whole baby situation and just waiting patiently. D is being wonderful and he got a new job! yay! He started that on Friday and it's about 4-5 dollars more per hour than what he was making before so woo hoo, I am happy for him. He seems happier too. He's been helping me out a lot and I think realizing that I'm not making it up when I'm moaning and groaning all the time in the night and everything. Not to mention the fact that I'm humungous now!! Now on to the crappy news. I got a letter in the mail again from the child support people, and I have to go to court on September 15th for a hearing. I am not happy about this at all. It means I have to see Chris face to face and we have to figure out visitation. Which I find hilarious since he hasn't seen her in 3 years so not too sure what we are going to figure out, but visitation needs to be figured out before he starts paying child support or some bull shit like that. I'm going to suggest like 2 Saturdays a month under my terms, so we will meet at my mother's house or at the park on Saturday mornings. hopefully he agrees to this. I will not budge. Then on top of that, I'm due 5 days later and so I have to waddle my ass in to court and I will feel judged. I'm sure he knows that I'm prego just because news travels fast in my town, but I just would rather look a little better when seeing him, I'm sure any girl would feel the same way. I also need strength. He always had a way with me to not let me get my point across, or I could say what I was thinking, and I never could get 2 words in edgewise. I'm just scared I will agree to something out of stupidity or because of his stupid ways. I just need to breathe, I know, and let it all play out. I'm hoping he is as nervous as I am or more. Also, what if I have the baby before the court date, what if I can't make it? Is having a baby a good enough excuse not to show up to a court date? I have no clue. All I do know is that there is so much uncertainty and it's scaring the crap out of me. I wish I didn't have to deal with this, but alas, it's happening, and had I know it would happen, I would have filed right after she was born so I could have been collecting all along. But I didn't know, so whatever. no use dwelling on it now. In other news, L started dance classes this past weekend. Tumbling and ballet! It was great! She loves it and I'm so glad I put her in them because I think it's just what she needed. She's growing in to such a little person, it's so much fun watching her. I wish I could wrestle around with her more like I used to..oh well, soon enough I will be able to do that again! I really do miss my body. So I also found out that with D living in my home with me, now when I apply for gov't assistance I will be eligible for nada. :( This really sucks. I pretty much can't come back to my job this means. Since I'd be paying $1000/month for daycare and I can not do that on my own. Right now I pay $600 and I barely scrape by. Having 2 kids and me would have given me some govt asst. I think they would have helped with 70% of the day care bill - but now with D in the household it puts us at too high of an income, which is bs, I wish they calculated bills in to that equation, but I guess nothing in life is free egh? So I'm going to have to take a lower paying job closer to home so that we can get assistance..nice huh? and a bit ass backwards if you ask me, but oh well. Hey maybe I can land a higher paying job. But in Michigan's economy right now, ha ha that is the biggest joke. Anyways, the whole thing is just very frusterating to me and makes me head hurt. Work is having a party for me on Friday for the baby, I guess a sort of baby shower, just no presents, so that will be fun! I hate being the center of attention, but it will be nice! Baby needs to come soon though, I'm really burned out at work, I dread waking up in the morning these days.

September is here....

Well, the month is finally here. I will be having a baby this month and that scares me to death. I dont know which I am afraid of more. Labor or taking home a newborn? It's so much different this time though. I've been so relaxed throughout this pregnancy, except for my hormones going out of whack time to time, but my stress level is surprisingly a lot lower than when I was prego with L. I remember just being in knots that entire pregnancy and lots of yelling at non parent, etc. Oh, speaking of him, I got a letter in the mail that he did show up to meet with the child support specialist so now she has to set up a hearing for us to meet face to face. that is going to be one of the most difficult things I will have to do in a long while. Anyway, I also have help this time that is not my mother. Which is weird too. My mom is being weird too. She thought I was going to be staying with her the first couple weeks after I had the baby? Um, no. Why would I do that? I have a house. I have a bf that wants to be involoved! It's so so unlike last time I really don't understand it. Then she was like, 'and D can come and go as he pleases,, etc.' I wasn't mean about it but I did tell her that I would be more comfortable staying at my own house when everything is already all set up there, but that I'm hoping she comes over a lot. She seemed sad, but why the fuck did she think I'd be staying over there? who knows. Then last night she asked me if I wanted her to stay the night at the hospital with me. I just said, well let me talk to D and see what he is planning on doing, cuz if he wants to go home and sleep on our bed then yes I will have you stay. But it's almost as if she doesn't realize that D is in my life? It confuses me to no end. D and I have been getting along really well and he seems excited for the baby. He got a cell phone to take to work just incase I go in to labor. It's just a cheapy phone from Wal-mart that you can add minutes on yourself, but at least now I am not worried on how I will contact him! Last week at the Dr. I went in and they had to check me, my cervix was completely closed but yet I bled pretty bad. The midwife said she had to show me all the blood since it was such a significant amount..yuck..i regret looking. It was probably 5-6 tablespoons if I had to guess. She said it's because the cervix is so sensitive right now and wants to open up. She wasn't concerned so I guess I'm not either. Then today I had another appointment, since I go weekly now, but they didn't check me. I told her how I've swollen up a lot and feel very bloated and how I puked this morning too, but she said she was not concerned. I guess no cause for conccern again. Last night I had major contractions though, they were keeping me up all night. Then this morning. nothing. go figure. I did not miss those contraction pains though, it brought back painful memories of my last labor with L. yuck. I really hope that this time it can be a bit less stress and pain. Names...are still a work in progress. D and I don't agree really, so we have a small list that we will take with us and then just take a look at her and decide at that time. What I'm hoping though is that a name just jumps out at me and is the perfect name for my second daughter. D and I will have known eachother for 1 year on the 8th of this month. Pretty crazy if you ask me. Makes me feel pretty whorish, but what can I say, I had been single for over 2 years and was ready again for love. I was so lonely at that little apartment with just L and I. That's when I hold D tighter in the night, it means so much to me to have him there next to me. We've not exactly had a smooth road in the past year that's for sure and if I wasn't pregnant I'm really not sure we would have lasted. Mainly because we are so opposite. But I do love the guy despite everything that we have been through and are going to go through. It scares me to death the whole thing and the whole life changing experience, but on the other hand, it really excites me and leaves me feeling this sense of unknowing that really gives me a rush. I just can not wait to meet this baby and see what she is all about. 2 more weeks give or take and let the games begin!

stuff getting done

This weekend was quite productive. Well, Sunday anyways. Friday night after work my dad came in to town and he took one look at L's bugbite and said I needed to get her to the Dr. asap. So we went to the med express thingie. She had had these 2 bites on her for the past 5-7 days that had a black dot in the center and the black dot started to get bigger almost the size of the bite, it looked pretty sick. So we took her in, luckily he was there to help me keep her entertained. we got there at 6:30PM and they said a 75 minute wait..well that turned in to a 120 minute wait..grrrrr. Then we finally got seen at 8:30 and he just looked at them and said, yep that's an abcess or something else, but we will give her an antibiotic and that should clear it up. We were in with the actual dr. for all of 2 minutes. The antibiotic seems to be working pretty good, it's the same one that they give to people with MRSA he said. So far they look a little bit better. So we got home from the Doc and D had his sister and A there for the last night..he took them both home on Saturday - yay! I survived the 2 weeks! Anyways, then Saturday I woke up and had to go to my best friend's sister's baby shower in Detroit, which is quite a drive from my house. My back was killing me both trips. L stayed at my mom's house. The shower was really nice. She is due October 5th and is wayy huger than me. I was shocked because I feel huge, but she was a lot bigger. She got a lot of nice things and after the shower, my bf and I went to the mall to shop a little bit. My mom called at 5 and was quite angry that I hadn't even left yet, she thought I'd be home by now. she had told me the day before to take my time, etc etc..seems like whenever her boyfriend is around she gets more impatient to get rid of L. She could have just not had her bf be there but whatever. So I got home and picked L up and came home and crashed early. Sunday D and I both woke up and started cleaning, we got the nursery finally organized and it's almost 100% done, I'm so happy. It looks cute. cramped. but cute. The changing table remains in the shed. L's room I got cleaned, the after math of her and A, it was bad, but I got it all clean and organized. Everything in the house just feels clean and ready for baby! I'm a happy mom right now. D swept and mopped the kitchen floor, vacumed, cleaned our room and the kitchen, I was so in love. After cleaning he went to his aunt's house to hang out and I went and picked up my little cousin and took her and L to the sprinkler park - It was alot of fun, and nice to have a quiet day with them. Then L and I got home around 5 and she went right to the couch and fell asleep instantly, I have never seen this child do this. She must have been exhausted. So what a nice weekend. I really am surprised by how laid back it was and stress free. I have this coming friday off from work and Monday also for Labor Day. Happy week for me. Thursday is my dr. appt and they will be checking me and doing the strep b test. I feel a weight lifted but it may be the fact that my nursery is finally put together!!!

cooler

I calmed down a lot just after typing that last blog. Just some things I needed to get off my chest I suppose. I feel a lot calmer today. L made me late for work yesterday and today and I handled it much better than the previous day. I'm trying to be more patient with her and so far it's working. I already feel guilty for bringing a baby in to our world, her world is going to be turned upside down here once the baby comes. I just need to remember not to neglect her, or the baby for that matter. D had a 3 hour test for a new job last night. He got chosen for the second part of the hiring process for a huge company in town. There was 5000 applicants and only 200 got chosen to take the second part and D was one of them! yay! The next step though is narrowing it down to 14 out of the 200, so we'll see..Fingers are crossed!!! While I'm off on Maternity leave I'm also going to be job searching for myself, I really hope I can find something closer to home and something I actually can tolerate. I finally did say something to my boss about the 12 weeks off, she just wrote it down and said we'd talk to John about it, who is the even higher up boss...wonderful. But so far I am hoping for the best! 3 months off is still not enough in my opinion, but I'm sure it's not mothers that set up these stupid FMLA programs or else we would have a better maternity section. Another co-worker is leaving on Sept. 5th so they are going to be really understaffed..funny that I don't even care! I'm actually excited to leave them with my super huge case load and let them see and deal with the crazyness of it. I have the biggest case load in the whole office. So D and I finally went to Babies R Us..my dad took L and we went on Monday night. I got everything I needed. D picked out the babies coming home outfit, well I think A actually did, because he brought her with us. She was so quiet the entire time, it was kind of nice, she's a lot quieter when L isn't around I guess. It was a nice evening though and I am feeling a tiny bit more organized now. I got my cupboards cleaned out in the kitchen over the weekend. I got all the laundry done - washed all of L's old clothes in preparation for the new babe. Got everything off of my list at Babies R Us, think I spent $100. Oh still need to get a base for D's car, but we didn't get that yet. I can't believe they are $40! Still need a hamper for baby's room too but that is definitly not an urgency. All we need to do yet is organize the nursery, move furniture, set up crib, bring in changing table if I'm going to be doing that. But all of that is not a hurry since the baby will be in the bassinet in our room at first. I'm not going to want to run to the other end of the house to be breastfeeding every hour or 2, so I figured she would stay in our room for a while. The bassinet my mom found at a garage sale is like brand new and so adorable, I never had one with L so I'm kinda excited for it. One more thing I still need to do is pack my hospital bag. Last night I was having contractions, but nothing continuous, but definitley there. I anticipate this baby coming early, we'll see. She might come late. Weird, but my boss just called and asked again how long I'm taking off and I said 12 weeks and she said Ok. Phew..I'm so thrilled now I don't think I need to worry about it now, I just come back after 12 weeks! yay! Things are finally falling in to place. I'm in no hurry for baby to come out yet though, she's being a good girl right where she is.

RAGE - ing hormones

I am so not myself these days. I don't think it helped that D had A all weekend. I just get mad for no reason. Or if there is a reason, I completely blow it out of proportion. L wasn't taking a nap on Saturday and I went ape shit on her. I was screaming at the poor child, mainly because I was tired beyond belief and just wanted to fucking sleep. I laid there with her for 2 hours and kept making her lay down, etc. Finally D came home and came in and asked if L could come out and play with A and I made a huge deal about it, and he said I could still take a nap, but I said forget that, so I sat out in the living room and pouted instead. WTF is wrong with me? Then I got pissed off on Saturday because A and L made a huge mess in the bedroom so I got my shoes on and took L to my mom's house and stayed the night there since my mom was out of town. I just can't handle A and L together. A drives me completely insane. Then Saturday morning illegedly L was coloring on the walls. L told me that A did too. I believe her. D of course, does not believe that A would ever color on the walls. He took L and took her to her room for a time out, so I threw a fit and said he should punish his own kid too since we weren't out there and don't know for sure what happened, and he just said A would never color on the walls. I went and got L out of her time out, I felt it was unfair. A of course said no, she didn't do it, but why would she admit it when she sees L getting in trouble for it. And L has no idea how to lie so why would she make it up that A colored on the walls too?! I just don't get it. D thinks his precious A is perfect though and it makes me want to hurl. So the whole day just started out shitty, not to mention there was absolutely nothing going on all weekend, so of course I predicted a fight. Sunday morning L and I came home and brought a peace offering of doughnuts, but of course as soon as I saw D and saw that he was still mad, I again got mad. But I still apologized for the things I had said - I had told him the previous day how I can't stand when A is here and they mess up the whole house because I'M the one who gets stuck cleaning it all up! - I apologized and he still just said, "eghm" didn't respond at all and just laid there in my bed. So then I had A and L all morning for about 2.5 hours while he laid there and watched TV, another things that pissed me off. Finally he got up, took A to his aunts house and I didn't see him the rest of the day til about 8 or 9pm last night. And of course when he gets home he is being nice and now all of a sudden wants me. Bull shit that was going to happen. I was stuck home alone with L all day and got all of the babies laundry done.. Fun. while he was at his aunts house probably playing cards and having all sorts of fun and at least being SOCIAL, while I'm stuck in the quietness of home. L was not too much company as she just kept getting in to mischeif and held me back from doing any type of chores. Oh and to go back to Saturday, D decided(while I was at my mom's) to put the babies huge dresser in front of the toy closet so that L and A can't play anymore. NOt to mention as I was leaving he was telling A that she can't play with L anymore because Jill said so and she can't touch L's toys anymore either cuz Jill said so. Oh I wanted to hurt him bad! So I couldn't move the dresser on Sunday to get stuff I needed out of the closet, because it's a huge ass dresser and it wouldn't even budge for me. GRrrrrrrr. I am still so pissed off and do not really know what to do. We are on speaking terms, but nothing got resolved, I don't know what to say. I'm at a loss. I can't help it that, I hate to say this, but I don't like his kid?! Is that what it could be? I feel like a horrible person for saying that. But I guess I'm the type that likes my own kids but no one elses? My cousins child who is 9 months older than L aggravates me also. What is my problem!? I feel so heartless! How can you not like or love a child?! I haven't told D any of my feelings and don't really intend to, I can't say that shit to him. This is his kid and I do love him so I've put up with her thus far, I just don't think I can do it anymore, I'm taking my anger out on L and that's not fair! AT ALL! This morning I was late for work, yes it was L's fault, she sat on the toilet for 15 minutes and didn't even go! I was so mad, the rage came back again and I was screaming at her so bad it made her cry. I feel so guilty, but it's like this rage comes out of nowhere and SO is not me at all!!! The slightest stupid thing sets me off. That scares me because what is it going to be like when baby #2 gets here? I hope this rage doesn't follow me, I hope it's a pregnancy thing and goes away, I hope I like A more after the baby comes too. I'm so worried that there is something wrong with me. Yesterday I was so depressed from just sitting in the house all day, I finally dragged L out to WalMart just to buy her a toy because She kept bugging me to go shopping. D and I were supposed to go out shopping on Saturday and that never happened. Sunday came and went and we still didn't go. He had finally agreed to go to Babies r us with me and then we fought and did'nt make it. We need to go to best buy too, he got a house phone and we have no cordless phone so we are gonna go buy one. At least I'll finally be able to reach him! Tonight my dad is picking L up from daycare so I asked if he would babysit so D and I could go shopping and he agreed, so maybe we can talk at that time, but about what? I am speechless. I might need to talk to a psychologist about ppd once this baby comes too. I already am feeling symptomatic. I don't want to be the crazy parent, the one that yells about stupid shit, what if I'm turning in to my own mother? I used to take anxiety meds a long time ago, 2003, took them for 1 year, and I was cured, never had another anxiety attack since. So i know the medications can and do work. Maybe I will need one again? It's worth a shot I guess. This time it's not anxiety though really..a small hint of anxiety - not the anxiety mess I was in 03 that's for sure - but mainly feeling depression. I'm already looking at yoga classes with Stacie in the winter as well. I do believe that exercise is far greater than any anti-depressants, and was even thinking about starting to jog around my neighborhood when I can catch a break. Maybe I will try that first, because I don't feel total loss of control of my self, just a little symptomatic. PLus it will help with me getting my body back if I start the exercise stuff again! I miss it. The rage, I 'm thinking is just pregnancy - I thought for sure I was going to go in to labor on Saturday after yelling at L like that - that just so isn't me or my personality - it was not me! This probably makes no sense. A is still here until this Sunday..sigh. At least she won't be around for Labor Day weekend, I have Friday through monday off and I am just over joyed...A 4 day weekend is mucho needed!!!! I'm going to go wallow in guilt now for being a horrible parent this weekend....

going along

Week 34 - things are going pretty good! This baby likes to kick me pretty much all the time, it's neat though because L rarely kicked so this experience is almost like brand new to me. I keep having dreams about this baby and I am getting very excited to meet her. I'm excited to have another miracle and to start this new journey. I'm scared but only because my whole family keeps telling me how horrible of a time I'm going to have and how my life is now over as I know it as soon as this baby comes, etc etc..it's very discouraging. I want to be happy damnit! I want this to be a great life experience, I don't want to dwell on it or be miserable. Every time I say anything to my mom, and I'm only just trying to vent to her, she ends up just saying, well this is your deal, don't ask me for help, or why don't you dump him then. She's usually drunk when giving me this wonderful advice, but it hurts that she doesn't really care and isn't really here for me like she was the last time. A peice of me feels that she is almost jealous that D is the one that is going to be taking care of me now. D will be the one in the hospital room, D will be the one cutting the cord, D will be the one driving us home, etc. She seems almost bitter about that, and keeps bringing things up to me which makes me mad. For example the other day she brought up money and the fact that D isn't paying me anything and basically just living with me for free and boy doesn't he have it made, blah blah..as if to try and make me mad at him, and guess what? it worked. I started thinking about how she was right and then my blood started to boil and then I asked D for money that night and told him he needs to give me $60 this week. ..3 weeks ago he gave me $40 and that's all I've seen from him since. So I'm paying for the groceries, consumers bill, HOUSE PAYMENT, everything. All he's paying for is his smokes and gas and food when he eats out. Oh yeah and the cable bill, his precious cable. He doesn't have a cell phone, but that cable bill surely gets paid each month. OH yeah he's got his car payment each week too, he gives my dad $50 per week toward the car he got from him. He will have that paid off by the end of Sept. so that's good. D still owes me $382 for a loan I gave him. I will never loan a massive amount of money again, but I figured $480 wasn't that bad. Considering that I signed a loan for Chris for $7000 when I was with him, I mean, come on, WTH was I thinking!?! He paid back $3500 of it, but still owes me $3500, and I'm quite certain I will never see that money again. I vowed right then never to loan anyone money again..a good lesson learned. Now I'm pretty much just supporting D huh? Am I stupid? Love makes you, or I guess ME, do stupid things. I hope I don't ever have feelings of regret for taking D in like I have. He gives me extra money when he can. He is not like Chris at all. He is very humble. I don't feel like I'm doing anything stupid, but my mom and friend Stacie have told me differently. I guess they just don't want to see me get hurt. D said once my dad is paid off he will start giving me the $50/week so that will be nice. Although then he will have C/S too and will he just consider that his rent payment?? I do sincerely hope not. We'll see I guess. Having A for the 2 weeks is going pretty good. We had his sister and her stay the night on Tuesday night. It went fine, except L was a nightmare trying to get to sleep and then in the morning it was hell trying to get her out the door for daycare since she wanted to stay and play with A, but other than that it went fine. Kind of a full house but still went well. I still haven't done anything to prepare for new baby besides rack my brain. I need to start actually DOING stuff instead of just thinking about stuff. I need to rearrange my cupboards in my kitchen, and then of course the nursery, oh boy. My mom came over last night and we looked at it at least and kind of got an idea how we want to set it up. The room is so tiny and I'm going to attempt to have a crib, glider chair and ottoman, dresser, and changing table. although my mom suggested just putting the pad thing right on the dresser and change her on that instead of dragging in the changing table..we'll see! I need to wash all the baby clothes and get them put in to the dresser. Organize L's toys as they are all stacked up in the baby's closet whereas if you open the closet door a huge stack of toys will come falling down on you. yeah, it's a mess. Maybe this weekend. Who knows. I've been having I think Braxton Hicks contractions, it's been pretty unpleasant. I get another ultrasound on the 20th for some odd reason, I should have refused it but oh well, might as well check it out I guess and make sure all is well. They shouldn't need to do anymore though should they? ugh. Oh and I still haven't talked to work about my 12 weeks off. I'm too afraid. What if they don't let me? I would be crushed. This is what I really want, and I think by law they have to give me the 12 weeks off, but I'm not entirely sure. The last time I had a baby they fired me because they wouldn't allow any unpaid time off and I was an at-will employee, it was this same company, so who knows what kind of strings they will pull this time. that's what scares me I guess. D has been in better moods lately so that has been nice. I'm not sure why the change, but I'm definitly not complaining, things there have really been good and we both seem happy. He seems disconnected from the baby stuff and doesn't even really talk about it. Just pays a lot of attention to my belly at night and plays with the baby, but other than that he doesn't talk about it. I have asked him several times to come to baby's r us with me, I want him to buy the coming home outfit, but he always just says, why do we have to do it now. so we haven't done that yet. But I really want to try the slingrider thing so I'm going to buy that too, it's $50 but I think a sling would be wonderful to have to keep baby close to me and still have hands free to play with L. L just keeps asking, Is my baby here yet? It's so cute. She always wants to kiss my belly and then looks up at me so serious and says "baby's kickin". I am going to miss that. I really should video tape it or at least get a pic of her kissing my belly. I haven't taken many pics of my belly at all really. I need to do that. Especially since it could be too late here pretty soon.

Layer One: On the Outside
Name:: Jill
Birthday:: May 13th
Current Location:: My cubicle @ work
Eye Color:: blue
Hair Color:: blonde
Righty or Lefty:: righty
Zodiac Sign:: Taurus
Layer Two: On the Outside
Your Heritage:: Irish and Polish
Your Fears:: My babies getting hurt
Your Weakness:: I'm a pushover
Goal:: must clean nursery
Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up:: pee pee pee
Your bedtime:: 10 or 11
Your most missed memory:: it's not missed if you have the memory
Layer Four: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke:: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King:: Mcd's
Single or Group dates:: whichever, I don't go on dates though.
Adidas or Nike:: Either one I guess
Lipton Tea or Nestea:: neither one
Chocolate or Vanilla:: Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:: Coffee
Layer Five: Do You?
Smoke:: no
Have a crush:: no
Think you've been in love:: i know it
Want to get married:: yes
Believe in yourself:: yes
Think you're a health freak:: haha not right now!
Layer Six: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol:: no
Gone to the mall:: yes
Eaten Sushi:: no
Gone skating:: no
Dyed your hair:: no
Layer Seven: Have Your Ever?
Played a stripping game:: yes
Gotten beaten up:: yes
Changed who you were to fit in:: no
Layer Eight: Getting Old
Age your hoping to be married:: 40
Layer Nine: Perfect Mate
Best Eye Color:: doesn't
Best Hair Color:: matter
Short or Long Hair:: to me
Layer Ten: What were you doing...
1 MINUTE AGO:: Typing this
1 HOUR AGO:: sitting in my cubicle or in the bathroom
1 DAY AGO:: same as above
1 YEAR AGO:: probably same as above actually..
Layer Eleven: Finish the Sentence
I LOVE:: strawberry milk
I FEEL:: alone
I HATE:: work
I HIDE:: money
I MISS:: friends
I NEED:: strawberry milk

How did I get here?

Whew - only about a month to go and this baby will be here! I'm getting pretty excited/nervous/scared/anxious! Last night I went and bought some new nursing bras, the ones from with L were pretty dingy. I keep daydreaming about labor and delivery and then having an infant + L. Oh that scares me so. I'm not really counting on D to help out too much, but maybe he will surprise me. Things with him have pretty much been okay. I've been busy with my own stuff going on and he's been busy with his own stuff so we don't get to talk very much lately. The house seems to be staying clean so I think we are both just helping out now, so that is cool. I hate having a messy house and it got really bad for a while - but now it still looks pretty good. He gets his daughter this Sunday and then for two whole weeks strait. we'll see how this goes. I have major anxiety over this. She will probably be staying at his aunt's house for the majority of the 2 weeks with the exception of the weekends, because d's work shift is 6-4pm and so she'll need to stay the night at the aunt's house every weekday and then after work he will have her for a few hours and then have to drop her back to the aunt's to sleep, so that won't be that bad. I have been so exhausted, I can not get comfortable at night, therefore, I'm up a lot. I've been late to work every day this week. I just want a day off to sleep all day. Yesterday I had a migraine at work for 4 hours, didn't get a thing done but at least I was here getting my time in. Tomorrow morning I have a dr. appt. I'm wondering if I will end up having this baby early? I feel like I might, I have such pains all the time..where I will be walking and have to dead stop and take a breath because it hurts so bad. I never had braxton hicks with L or anything really..it was all just normalness. Another thing I'm a tad worried about is what if I die during childbirth? I want her to be named Jillian if I do die. But I need to be here for both of my babies- what will become of L? or the new one for that matter. I definitley don't want d raising the baby at his aunt's house. Maybe I should give him my house so they have a place to live? I hate all these 'what ifs' but it really is something to consider. I really need to make a WILL, but not sure if I will get that done before d-day. Which, I am still in disbelief that it's already almost here. hmm I guess that's all that is on my mind for today. I'm talking to my boss today about hoping to take 12 weeks off, we'll see how this goes.

ok I figured it out, but it's still rather blurry.

7.5 weeks to go

So the weekend went well. I didn't make it to my mom's house, because D was going to the bar(to be the dd) and he needed me to babysit. I had a couple girlfriends over to assist, so all went well. It's so nice to be with a man that doesn't leave me every single weekend and sometimes weekdays to go to the bar and leave me home alone and pregnant wondering what he is doing out still until 6am. That was how my life was with Chris when I was pregnant with L. D doesn't drink, and I love that. Which seems odd since I love to drink when not with child. It was nice back when we first started dating because I could finally have a few drinks at home and he was there just incase L needed me or a driver or something. I'm a paranoid person so I never drank when it was just her and I in the house. Call me responsible I guess. Anyway, yesterday D had the day off work to go to a couple of interviews, I asked what he had done all day and he said nothing. So I of course was expecting to come home to my trash filled house. A and L seem to always trash the place when she is in town. Well to my surprise he had cleaned the house! I think I was in shock, but wow. Is he learning after all? I was really dreading walking in to my messy house and he had tricked me and had it clean after all, and here I was ready to bitch. It aggravates me that A is scared of everything. I know she is 6 so it's normal for this stage, but my daughter is not scared of anything and I like it that way..now, whenever A leaves then L starts developing fears. Like I'm having a hard enough time right now transitioning her to her new bed and now last night she said A had told her there was a monster under her bed so she no longer wants to sleep in it. ughhhhh. A is scared of Ants, bugs, everything basically, and is ALWAYS talking about monsters and how they are getting her. I know I know, it's all normal, but I don't need L developing fears when she has always been fearless. How do I deal with this? I told A to quit talking about monsters, but she doesn't listen to me. Don't know if I posted about this yet or not, but my mom talked to a guy at the child support office and I guess if we end up having a hearing then it wouldn't be until October, that's how backed up they are. But phew, now I don't have to worry about being 9 months prego and going in there, that would just not sit well with me. I also realized that as soon as I pop this baby out they are going to go after D for c.s. also since we are not married. That's ok though because I "think" that would mean that his payments for A would go down some? I'm not sure how that all works though. Maybe not. We'll see. I tried taking a pic of my latest ultrasound with my camera phone so I will try posting it, here: ok I can't do it, it keeps saying error. I'm usually pretty good with a computer, but for some reason this blogger site confuses the heck out of me!

I am bored

Ok, so my job has got to be the easiest, but most boring of all jobs. Some days I am crazy busy, but then others I sit here and contemplate my existance in this cubicle. Everything is done. Why are my co-workers so far behind..I'm ahead of schedule. Let's see here, so this weekend D has A. He didn't have her last weekend due to her spending the weekend at a friend's house, so now we get her two weekends in a row, this weekend and next weekend. Then for 2 weeks in August. Sigh. I really don't want to be the mean stepmother, but seriously, the kid can drive me insane. Not to mention she is extremely bossy toward L. What happened to that sweet little 5 year old I met nearly a year ago. She's 6 now I guess is what happened. Also when she is in town my house gets completely trashed, I'm guessing because her and L tear it up, but I just don't get it. and I hate it. Maybe i will go and stay at my mom's house for the weekend? It sounds nice right about now. I just need a break from D and a break from A is nice too. I haven't seen her since the 4th of July but I dread the thought of her coming. I would never say these words out loud and I regrettably don't like thinking them. I just think it's best to put it down somewhere so that I don't completely lose my mind. Maybe I will go to my moms. My mom is going to her bf's house. They still broke up, but they are going to still see eachother - whatever the hell that means. So she is going to stay with him all weekend so her house will be free. I might have to do that in order to avoid a fight with D, since we always fight when A is in town for one reason or another. L adores A though and that is cute. She really missed her this last gap of time and brings her up quite a bit. So I will still need to make sure they get some time to hang out. However, I hate how if L has a toy, then all of a sudden A just HAS to have it. shouldn't L be the one that is like that? L is the 2 year old, yet A is the one playing the part. Also if A sees something she wants or wants to look at, she always asks, "what is that?" looking at a peice of cake, as if she doesn't know what a peice of cake is. Why not just ask for a peice of cake instead of playing dumb. Ok I'm done venting about it, it just irks me. I made A a frame that has a picture of her and her daddy from up at the lake in it. I'm going to have her take it to her mom's house so she has a picture to see when her dad isn't there..it's cute. I still have a stomache ache about L's dad and the whole child support stuff..still no answers really. My mom works for the courts and I guess she is talking to some guy more about it today so we can get some answers, I'm still so afraid and still so sick to my stomache and wish this wasn't happening. I had some really crazy fucked up dreams last night. I ended up in L's bed because she was coughing so hard I was paranoid, so I slept in the bed below hers just to keep an eye on her. I slept great, but just weird dreams. I had my ultrasound yesterday! The baby looks great - she is so cute. and she is healthy which is the best part of all! They said she's about 3lbs 11oz's right now, and is about 45% for weight - so she is average - yay. She looks just like L - it's kinda creepy. I can't imagine having 2 girls. It makes me happy in so many ways, but also sad too. Once this baby comes it is going to be a challenge to give one on one time to L and I hate that part. I don't want her to feel replaced - ever. I want her to feel like the proud older sister. I just keep thinking - this is the last summer that it will be just L and I. I keep typing because if I don't I fear I will keel over and fall asleep. I'm exhausted. I have no idea why, I just want to sleep. I think mainly because I'm so bored today and I didn't get a lunch because I worked my lunch hour today to make up for my dr. appt yesterday. I think I will go take a stroll to the water jug, then to the bathroom, and take my sweet time. Is it 5:00 yet? Friday tomorrow thank goodness!!

things floating on my mind today

I have a feeling I'm really going to need this blog as soon as things get started with this whole child support/custody thing that I have started. sigh. I can't believe my baby girl has been breathing for almost 3 years and this deadbeat has not seen her since she was 2 months old, nor has given us one cent toward anything. I should have filed a while back, but didn't want the drama of him in our lives, so I stayed out of it and had he persued a relationship with her (a while ago!) I would have been okay with it, but it has been disappointing since she was 2 months. I remember a year ago in September he called and wanted to see her, so I set up a time and place to meet and guess what? He didn't show up. Nothing since. Now I had to file support due to having to receive medicaid- blah - so now I've opened up a new can of worms and I'm scared shitless. I'm so afraid he's going to come after custody now after all these years. I am going to have to sit down with him in a hearing like situation and we are going to have to come to an agreement on child support and on custody..how do i do that with someone I haven't seen in 3 years and have so much built up anger toward?? I suppose the ball will be in my court since I'm the one that has been raising her since day one, but omg, the anxiety is already here and there is no court date yet. He first has to go and meet one on one with the child support lady, then after that is when the court date will be set up. It's a slow process so this could be months from now. Who really knows. All I know, is I'm scared for my baby. Maybe it will be a good thing. But mainly, i'm scared. He's not working right now either so I know that I won't be getting much from him. I really don't think this is all worth it. I wish I could just go back and change my mind. I want to run away from this. I won't be able to move out of state unless it's approved by the court and by him..I hate not having control of my own life. Things with D are going better. We've both let up a little bit and are just kinda getting along - may be fakely so - but getting along none the less. I'm trying my hardest not to bitch at him about every little thing and I think he's trying too. I noticed if I just shut up and do things around the house, then he will pitch in too and help me also..it's a team effort and i think I had kind of forgotten that seeing that I'm spoiled and felt that he should be doing everything. So we shall see what happens. Tomorrow I get to see my baby girl again with an ultrasound! I am psyched!!! I'm taking my mom along because she is so anxous to see her! I haven't seen her since 20 weeks so I'm ready. D couldn't take the time off from work anyways so it's better this way. My daughter is having a difficult time with the transition to the toddler bed. I honestly did not think it would be this difficult, but she cries and cries now when I go to leave her at night. I've been just laying with her and trying to bargain with her.."if you go to sleep like a good girl then you can have a fruit snack in the morning". Stuff like that. Probably shouldn't be doing it, but it has worked thus far.. I use it as a last resort but it works. Or I just lay with her until she is very tired, then she doesn't mind if I am walking out. She fell out of bed last night and cried and cried..hit her head on her night stand..even though there is a mattress down below she still hit her head. So i pulled the mattress from underneath out a little more..its a trendle bed. My mom and her boyfriend broke up again this weekend. sigh. He is supposed to be coming over tomorrow night to get his things, I have a feelling they will be back together though. Let's see if I'm correct. Work is kicking my butt. Lots of new changes here and I'm physically and mentally drained. I don't want to come back after I have the baby. I wish I didn't have to. I'm going to try my hardest to take 12 weeks off.

I can't win

I feel like I'm losing the fight with D. I am a person that doesn't usually put up with a lot, but with him I feel like I've put up with a TON. Not sure if it's just the pregnancy hormones, but I'm starting to think, not. He is as stubborn if not more than I am and that is irritating. He doesn't listen to me, ever. And I don't like how he's been toward L. He walked in the other day and L said "HI D" and he just ignored her? I mean, what the fuck is that? When I was younger I dreamed of marrying a man that was going to play with the kids and be friendly and outgoing and positive. D is not friendly to people he doesn't know(particularly my mom) and is just not playful with my kid at all, or his kid for that matter. It BOTHERS me so much. Not to mention he doesn't want L getting away with anything and wants her in time-out 24/7 and then tells me how I am not being that great of a parent, I don't know how to discipline and my child is out of control. She is SO not out of control, he just got lucky with his daughter I think, but my daughter is a happy child and not too out of control, and I discipline when she hits or does something completely ridiculous. She JUST got her big girl bed last night and she got up a couple times, D was sitting on the recliner "L, get back in to bed"..of course I went in there and comforted her, but he just is not at all on the same page with me with parenting at all..sigh. Then..the ever saga of the cleaning. My aunt was coming over last minute on tuesday and had called monday to tell me that. She was going to let in the furniture people for me since we would both be at work. Well The house was pretty messsy so I was cleaning like crazy on Monday night..while D sat in the recliner watching tv and lifting his feet to my vaccuming. Then I asked him to move a box of his shit pleaze and he didn't answeer so I asked again and he was like, no. So I told him I'd put it in the closet..it was pretty heavy, but I lifted it and put it in the closet..he came right behind me and said, no..and took the box back out to the counter. ugh. I asked why and he said that since L never listens he's sure she will get in to it. whatever. So then I ask if he would help me out a little since my aunt is coming over. no I don't feel like it. His attitude is terrible and I really don't think I'm asking all that much. So my aunt comes over, I get home from work and she had cleaned everything that I couldn't get to the night before..how embarrassing!! NOt to mention she picked up all of D's cigarette butts out in the yard. His reply to that is that the lawnmower picks them up! I still hate the look of them in the yard and even put a can out on the deck for his butts..there is one in there. I have aasked him a couple times to put them in there. He seriously is a worse listener than my daughter in my opinion. So I told him that last night when we were talking about Monday nights fight. He said he would try harder. Then today at lunch I asked if he would pick up the pile of cigarette butts my aunt had collected and he said yeah, I'll pick them up with the lawnmower just like all my other ones, and I said, so you aren't going to put them in the can? and he says no. UGH. I just am so sick of him being so childish. So I said you know you really don't need to live with me, it's not really working out. And he hung the phone up on me. So here we go again. sigh. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of the fighting, I am SICK of living with him and wish he'd move out. I KNOW i'd be happier without him living there. I just don't think he ever will. One time while fighting I suggested he move out and he said I would need to contact a lawyer and evict him then. Is that even possible? I hope it doesn't come to that, but i hate hate hate living with him. I love him as a person but can not stand living with him. Which is not going to work to say the least. I want to be with someone happier too..he's such a downer like 50% of the time. Maybe he is using drugs and I don't even know it, I'm pretty naive when it comes to that stuff..hm. Because sometimes he is great and happy and treats L and I with respect and then it's like the next he's a completely different person with mr. attitude, like a teenager almost I guess. Anyways, L LOVES her new bed and so do I..she got a bed, dresser, and night stand and a little coat rack to match too, it is awesome. She did so well besides being a little scared last night. I can't believe my baby is growing up, it was a little sad. Today I had another dr. appt. I swear I live there. They did a colp again with a repeat pap. Ugh. The little light they use for the colp wasn't working so they had to find another one, so I was laying there for about 10 minutes(which is a long time when you have that speculum thing in!). I am super crampy now today and even hitting the bumps while driving is so painful. He said that is all normal though, but it's still uncomfortable. On the plus side he told me that my cervix looks great and he thinks the hormones from the pregnancy are what caused the abnormal pap in the first place and that by my 6 week appt it should be a normal pap result. Yay. D doesn't even know I had this done today. Oh well. Next week I'm getting another ultrasound to check growth and I want my mom to come with me to see the baby. I'd rather have her there than D. that's sad. She was the one with me with my pregnancy with L. She went to lamaze with me and shopped with me and threw me my baby shower,and well, she can be pretty awesome. She was going through a divorce, after 32 years of marriage my dad just decided to take off, while I was pregnant and both of us surprisingly made it through. There was lots of crying going on the first 3 months of L's life..we all lived together and if it wasn't me it was my mom. What an emotional time in both of our lives. Anyways, I am at work and really wish I wasn't. I want to go home and start on the baby's nursery now that L's furniture came in I can really start organizing. I want to go home and sleep. I want to be anywhere but here and time seems to be moving backwards today.

good weekend

The 4th of July weekend was just what we needed. It was so relaxing and just a wonderful 3 days. First of all, that whole insurance mess is finally cleared up and the old insurance guy mailed me my $50 back right away - he must have decided he wanted to get rid of me and quickly. So the new insurance place got in touch with the bank and all is well..phew. The whole Chris situation is still lingering, however, I am somewhat at peace with the whole thing. I guess the whole time I pretty much "knew" he should be paying child support, but I was always too afraid to actually do it, so on some level I am hoping that this is the right thing to have had happen. I still am scared, but will actually feel a weight off of my shoulders after this is completed..the only thing I am next worried about is that he will come after custody. I dont' think he is man enough to do such a thing, but he could have a strong girlfriend who wants to fight or something, you just never know. I just have to play the waiting game and see. So we went up north to my aunt and uncle's on the 4th and it was beautiful weather, D and his daughter came too. D actually socialized with my family and they all got to know him better, it was so great. And he actually had a fun time. I took quite a few pictures. He got to ride the jet ski and his daughter loved swimming and the jet ski also. We also went on the boat for a ride and that was nice too. His daughter had never been on a boat so that was cool. L had fun, however she was not acting herself. D's daughter was playing with my cousin's child and so they were playing and not really including L, she was pretty much a loner all weekend and didn't want to do anything they did. She didn't even swim due to an incident with my dad where she ended up under the water and it scared her, so she wouldn't go in except to get some sand. I think she still had a good weekend, but just was very independant. D's daughter also ran over L's head with a power wheels gator toy. I saw the whole thing, but was too far away to save her. The outcome could have been much worse, but all that happened is she got a couple scratches and a nice goose egg. As for me, I layed out in the sun, got burned pretty badly, swam a little, and just relaxed. It was nice having D there to help me keep an eye on L. My mom also came up so she let D and I go out for a bike ride while she watched the girls, it was nice. They had fireworks on the water in the evening so we all sat out on the deck and watched. We stayed the next day too and left around dinner time. Got home and took a long nap until 8pm! Then got up and went down to see the huge city fireworks. We didn't get home until 11:30ish. L loved the fireworks though even though they were a bit loud for her. Stacie even came with us so that was nice having her around again. Oh and we got an elephant ear, YUM. I'm taking L to another fair this weekend just so I can get another elephant ear. D and I have been getting along since the trip up north, we kind of fought the morning before we left, but we just left everything behind us and really enjoyed eachother up north. I am going to attempt to post some pictures on here even though I not a clue how to do so. This week we've been getting along pretty good too. I am an emotional wreck lately though, I get so offended so easily and I know it's the hormones but it's scaring me that I may end up with a severe case of ppd and I really do not want that to happen, but if it does, it does and I'll just accept it and get on some medication. The baby is doing well! I had an appointment yesterday to kind of go over my birth plan and talk about any concerns I have had. The midwife did not seem all that concerned over any of my issues. I Asked yet again about the stenosis with my heart and she said they are just interested in checking it again after I deliver and the fact that I've already given birth once is fantastic, also they told me they are thinking it is now called something like re-gerge-not sure on the spelling, but that it is very very mild. They did say i have a lot of complications this pregnancy, but they are all minor and nothing to worry about. PHEW. Baby is very active and likes to kick me pretty much all day and sometimes at night. Hey maybe this means she will sleep all night? ha ha. L didn't sleep through the night until 13 months, so we'll see. I am getting very excited to meet this little one. I've been having dreams about her and the whole L&D thing. She is still very nameless..I just don't know!!! Every name I like ends up I don't like it after a couple days. I wish I could just find the perfect name, but I'm not really stressing because I'm sure once she is born something will come to me. I get to see her again in 2 weeks for an ultrasound, i'm psyched for that! Not psyched for the re-colp and re-pap that I have next week though, but happy they are checking me since I keep wondering what all this cramping is, even though the midwife explained they are all normal feelings, I still worry! The house is finally getting there, and is slowly becoming clean. Our yard? A completely different story, I'm ashamed of what it looks like...the weeds are unbearable and my dad even lectured D last night about it. So then this morning D says we need to get the weedwacker from my mom this weekend, I'm glad he is finally realizing that this stuff NEEDS to get done! ugh! Before he was saying things like, well it doesn't bother me at all so what's the point? Great attitude he has huh? I keep telling him I'm scared he's not going to help out with the baby. We'll see. He says he will, but who really knows. That will be the true test I guess. Housework, he does OK. Not very persistant. In fact, I was telling my dad how he cleans, but only when he wants to and he will let things go for quite a while. My dad said his girlfriend is the same way so he's started to just let things go as well..good advice dad, thanks, haha. I also wanted to be like, yeah well when I was nineteen I also wanted to let things go like that. But I couldn't bring myself to comment and just said that we are in similar situations then. Well let's hope this weekend goes good. No plans at all planned except I intend to take L to the fair. Probably some swimming at my moms house. She has her boyfriend coming in to town tonight. He also went up north with her last weekend. They fight all the time, but I'm glad she has somebody to share life experiences with. That's all from me for now.

I don't even know where to begin

Well I pretty much had a meltdown last night. I guess after reading you will see why, but ugh. Nothing is ever easy I suppose. This whole insurance thing with my house has been a huge mess. I got a couple letters in the mail yesterday and neither were good. The first was from the corporate office of my bank telling me that if I don't produce an insurance policy in 2 days they would assess a $2000 add on charge to my loan, which would up my payments and would provide their own insurance. yikes..This was my 3rd letter like this, except this was the final notice..in the past 3 weeks I have been hounding my insurance guy trying to get him to communicate with my bank. No luck. I took time off from work this morning and went to a different insurance agent which my parents go through and I do too for my vehicle and life insurace, so I know they are credible. Anyways, They contacted the bank for me this morning, well let me back up..first they told me they couldn't help me on such short notice, but then I started bawling in their office, of course followed by apologies because I'm pregnant and hormonal, so she finally said she would check again. I guess sometimes it helps to cry. they ended up helping me! They called the bank and made sure that they would not charge me this $2000 bullshit thing and then I paid them $334 for the whole year and am now insured for sure this time..phew. The other guy, well he said he would mail my back my $50 and not to worry. My dad called him and said what I have been trying to get him to do for 3 weeks, this other insurance company has now done for me in 15 minutes. I intend on following up and writing a letter to the insurance commision on this guy..he's messed with the wrong person. Even my new insurance agent wondered how this guy sleeps at night. He's not actually writing policies, just pocketing the money until something comes up like a fire or something. I still have not heard confirmation that this matter is finally taken care of, but hopefully soon! Next letter I opened last night was from the prosecutor's office and I'm now apparently suiting chris for child support. It happened behind my back since I had to apply for medicaid. Which was stupid to begin with since my work will not take me off of their insurance, therefore i am still paying over $200 a month to keep Lilly and I insured and Medicaid acts as a secondary insurance which picks up the co-pays or whatnot..but still. I understand their reasoning for going after the support, it's their job, the state wants their money, I get that all. What kills me is the fact that he is now back in my life after a few years. The fact that after all this time could he possibly get custody? Is the reason he tried contacting me before because he had gotten a letter regarding this? It all makes me very nauseous. I tried calling the child support specialist and they are on vacation until July 14th and the hearing or whatever is on the 17th. So i'm going to send in the paperwork they requested for now, but if I can somehow opt out of medicaid and make this all go away then I sure as hell am going to do that! If he was a good parent or even trying to make an effort this would be different and I would be more cooporative. But he is slime. He makes me very ill and just having his name pop up in my mailbox made it all very real and very scarey. Why I had sex with this creature is beyond my thinking and I really can't wrap my head around it all. After getting these 2 letters last night I decided to go to my mom's house..not to really see her, but just so that I could cry and not cry in front of D. So i took L and went to my mom's. At first my mom was pissed and pretty much just blamed me for all the bullshit and said I could have done things differently, ie, not gotten medicaid, etc. I WILL take L off of medicaid if it will make this all disappear, that's for sure. Anyway, then after I cried for a while she finally cooled off and helped me out with how to fix the whole insurance thing, which worked. I don't know how or why but my mom, no matter what, is always always always right. My mom also conveinantly works for the court system, but I am trying to sort all of that mess out on my own and see what happens. So I got back home from my mom's house and D was playing the computer still. The house is trashed. I just walked passed him and gave L a bath and got her ready for bed, put her to bed, then crashed on my bed without really talking to him. I noticed he fell asleep so I grabbed the remote and shut the tv off. One thing he does that really irritates me is he has to sleep with the tv on every single night and I put up with it, but usually have to reach across and get the remote and turn it off. He woke and said, give me the remote back, i asked if he was going to turn the tv on and he said yes, so I said, well then no. I'm sick of having the tv on all the time, it's loud and not to mention wastes electricity. So he turned over and in turning over he knocked his glass off the side table and I heard it shatter. He just laid there. So a minute later I asked if he was going to clean his mess up. no response. So I asked him again and he still just layed there pouting like a little baby. So I started ranting about how I hate living with him and I think he should move out, etc etc. Then I said I couldn't believe he wouldn't pick his mess up. and he said, why would i after what you just said? It's your house you clean it. So I got out of bed, grabbed a towel and turned the light on. He jumped up and turned the light off, and I said what are you doing I am cleaning my mess up. He got so pissed off, he took the fucking light bulb out of the light. So I grabbed a bag, all while crying, ugh I hate crying in front of guys, but told him I was taking off. I got L and I packed up and he grabbed my cell phone and keys and told me I wasn't going anywhere and to see how I like it( have no idea what he meant by that) but I was so angry!!! Anyway, by this time it was 11 and I was so exhausted and worn out from crying and not to mention I was very crampy and the stress was no good at all to my little baby. So he started talking to me more calmly and just asking what he does that is so horrible. I told him how I just hate living with him, we moved in too quickly and I really miss just being me and L. Not to mention all he does is watch tv and play video games. And he never goes anywhere with us. and then of course the money issue. I told him how if I have to buy a tire I can't just not turn in rent money for the month. Or if after I already pay them money I can't be like, oh well can I get $20 back cuz I need cigarettes(he's done both of these to me). ANd I said it's bullshit. Which it is! So he went to bed without saying anything else and I slept on the recliner, didn't go to sleep til after midnight and woke up with puffy eyes. I woke up once in the middle of the night and asked L what she was doing up...I saw her!! Then in the blink of an eye she was gone. I was hallucinating or something, it was very weird though!!! So that was my day yesterday. Today D has texted me on his break and lunch hour, but we haven't discussed last night..he asked if I meant what I said and I told him I didn't know, but what I do know is that I am not happy with the way things are. He said I should talk to him about it instead of just getting mad. HOw can I talk to him though when he never ever communicates with me? I dunno. The whole thing is just insane and half of me wonders if I blew up like that because of the whole chris thing. THe way I cried last night, stomache ache and all, was how I felt the whole pregnancy with L. Chris always gave me that stomache ache and it was back in full force last night. IT's the stomache ache where you are crying so hard it hurts. I hate it. I'm kind of at a loss right now at what to do with D. He has no where to go if I actually kicked him out so I hate to do that, but I'm not happy with the living arrangements. I got myself in to this mess though. I hope he will talk to me tonight and we can get something resolved. I really did not think that something like mail could set me off like it did, but wow, those were some heavy peices of mail I guess! to be continued I guess.

thoughts upon thoughts

I was worried for nothing. Which seems to be the story of my life. Not that I'm complaining, but they had me so worried about this aortic stenosis and now today at my appointment told me that it's not cause for concern. Well couldn't they have called and told me this??? I dunno. So looks like this labor and delivery will be able to be natural like the last time. Baby is fine too, they monitored her and everything looks good and normal. yay. D can't get his cdl license now until 2010 because of his license being suspended a few years ago, so he is pretty depressed about that. Seems like he keeps getting dead ends with the job department. He was supposed to get a job with my dad's company but that is not happening either yet so who knows. I just want him to get a nice job, but here in MI that is almost next to impossible! grrr. His group of friends were over the other day and they didn't end up going to the shed, so I'm wondering if he talked to them? Hopefully! We've been doing pretty good now. Not much going on. The weather right now is freezing, it was 50 this morning and we had to get the coats back out. ugh. I just want summer to start!!! Oh we had a really bad thunderstorm this weekend and the house across the street had a tree land on it and it demolished the house!! We had gotten a brand new glass patio table from my aunt for the deck and it got shattered from the wind lifting it up and throwing it. I was upset since we had just gotten the table about 8 hours before the storm. My aunt went and bought us a new one though, so that was awesome. The storm also threw the gutter off my house too. They were saying tornado, but that never happened, I was so afraid. Glad that's over with! My insurance guy....sigh...I think he is Ridiculous!!!! The bank sent me a letter saying they need proof of insurance(on the house) and so I asked him to fax it to them, no big deal, WRONG. He STILL hasn't faxed it and it's been 2 weeks, then when I call him about it he says sometimes that happens and he will mail it. Nope, he never mailed it. Now he's saying he doesn't have a copy of the policy because it can take 30 days to get it? WTF? I want a copy of the damn policy!!!!! If I don't get a copy in the next couple weeks I'm changing insurance. Don't know how hard that is to do. Oh so he said he'd get me a letter for the bank to get them off my back. I just don't think I like this guy, he doesn't seem to be serious at all about his job. When I asked what I owed him he said, oh just throw me $50 for now, and I'll catch up with you later..who does that? Anyway, I am not sure what else to type about. I think I have writers block.

Lots, but nothing, seems to be on my mind lately. I feel like a giant ball of anxiety, yet can't exactly pinpoint my fears. When I was younger it was much easier, I was afraid of everything. If I was playing outside and a jet flew overhead, I would run in the house and into the basement. I was scared of aliens coming to get me while I slept. Scared of fire, dogs, burgelors, thunderstorms, tornadoes, fireworks, death, yep, everything. I grew out of most of those fears, although I still am obsessive about keeping my doors locked at night. Mainly because of np, because I fear him and the obvious kidnapping scarey way of thinking thing. Now when older though, it is harder for me to determine what exactly it is I'm afraid of..except for the obvious np thing. I think right now what scares me the most is the unknown, and that is because I just sat here and pondered on what I actually am afraid of. Maybe that is why people believe in God? So that they can put all their fears on to someone/thing else and they themselves then do not have to worry. Seems like whenever I am troubled it is then I am like, oh yeah, God. I'm not very spiritual these days. God has always been a part of my life, but He comes and goes. I'm scared of not knowing what is up with my health right now. It's June already and I have to deliver this baby sometime in the next few months and that scares me too. I don't want to, I know that is stupid since there is no going back now, but I am still traumatized from the last L&D that I don't think I've gotten over it yet. Yes, I get flashbacks and yes, it was the worst torture of my life. Not saying I wouldn't go through it all again for little L, because I wouldn't in a flash, but it was no picnic. Now I have this heart condition, and I hate that. I am so scared. What if I don't live to see my babies grow? What if I die in a year or 5 or 10? or during childbirth? I want to see my kids live and not being able to do that, well, I guess I'd be dead so at that point I wouldn't care anymore, but right now it's a big fear. I guess if you dwell on death though then you can't really live so no point in it right now. I'm just afraid thaat my heart is now weakened forever. I can't wait for my appointment on June 18th so I can find out more information on this shit. I feel like I know nothing. besides the maybes of it all. At least I can say that my baby is perfectly healthy and it's me that isn't..that brings a peace to it all. I haven't been doing too much these days. Yesterday L and I stayed the night at my mom's house because D was painting and I did not want us around the fumes. I felt so rested this morning, must be because my mom was around to help out with L last night and I could semi relax. Np called me the other day..just saying that he wanted me to call him back. Actually it was a text message, but then after I didn't respond he then proceeded to call. I had my phone number changed. I don't care. I have nothing to say to him. It's been 3 years and whatever you may want/need, you can go through the courts now if you have something to say to me. Nothing you say will ever EVER get me to forgive you. I told D about it and he said I did the right thing. I wish D would just adopt L. It would make life so much simpler because then we could all have the same last name. D I hope is okay with me giving this new baby my last name. It makes the most senes since L has my last name and with school and everything it will just be easier. He and I are getting along, well, okay. We both get frusterated with the other pretty quickly it seems. Although his reasons are always so selfish and childish. He asked me to pick him up a milkshake the other night after church and I didn't because it was way past L's bedtime and she was cranky as all hell, well I got home and he was crabby and was just like, I wish you woulda brought me a milkshake. OMG I was livid. He was just sitting around playing video games while I had to go to church to see my friend get confirmed and it was HELL because L was a total nightmare. Not to mention it was about 100 degrees in there. I have to give him credit though, the other night I had such bad heart burn he went out to the store at 12am to get me some tums. And he painted the whole house. And he brings me stuff to drink when I'm laying on the couch. He does have a good side, it's just that the good things usually don't get talked about, unfortunately. He is sticking with me and it makes me happy. He is probably going to be getting a job at my dad's company, the one that np worked for until he got fired a couple months ago. He's working on getting his CDL right now so that he can get hired, I'm proud of him for working so hard to get a better paying job to help support his family. Here's to hoping. I also get annoyed when he has his friends/cousin over all the fucking time. His cousin Dan is the most annoying person in the world and he's at my house all the time. He's a loser too, no job, no nothing, besides a pest. But he's D's best friend so I tolerated it the first couple times. Now Dan is bringing more and more people with him every time and they are all stoners..they go out to the shed to smoke. The last time I told D it's not allowed on the premises and he still did it and disrespected my wishes, we fought. Then it happened again so I said, that's IT, the next time you are all out in the shed I will go out and make a big scene about it I do not even care. It hasn't happened since, well when I've been home. But I HATE when there are a ton of people in my house that I don't know. It's my house too and it's a FAMILY oriented house not some god damn Dorm room. I really am pissed off about the situation and I hope once I make a big scene about the pot smoke outside they will slowly stop coming over. It is not something that L should be around either, a bunch of potheads sitting around playing video games day in and day out. NO way is that going to happen. UGh. I will call the cops if it happens again after the next time. I wouldnt even hesitate. Anyways, I think I will be going out with co-workers this Friday hopefully for dinner and a movie. I need a sitter, but I'm working on that now. A night away will do me some good. Actually last night was nice not having to deal with D or any of that and just chilling at my mom's house. Just got off the phone with my mom and she agreed to watch L on Friday! woo hoo! She said she doesn't have a bf anymore so why not. Her boyfriend and her fight about as much as D and i , but they don't have a reason to try and hold it together so they break up frequently, I have a feeling they will be back together by Friday but by then it will be too late to tell me she can't babysit, or I guess she still might do that, I'm not going to hold my breath for a sitter I guess. Baby is sitting or kicking right on my bladder these days so I'm outta here to pee for the millionth time today!