waiting......

Now is just the waiting game, waiting for baby to come out safe and sound. Everything I wanted done is done and that makes me very happy. The car seat needs to be installed, or base rather, but I'm not even worried about that, D could always do it even at the hospital. The base and car seat are at least in the vehicle. I've been having contractions pretty regularly now, but not any that are making me double over and nothing really on a schedule, so I'm pretty sure now that I will be making it to my due date, which I guess is not that big of a deal. I'm pretty at peace with the whole baby situation and just waiting patiently. D is being wonderful and he got a new job! yay! He started that on Friday and it's about 4-5 dollars more per hour than what he was making before so woo hoo, I am happy for him. He seems happier too. He's been helping me out a lot and I think realizing that I'm not making it up when I'm moaning and groaning all the time in the night and everything. Not to mention the fact that I'm humungous now!! Now on to the crappy news. I got a letter in the mail again from the child support people, and I have to go to court on September 15th for a hearing. I am not happy about this at all. It means I have to see Chris face to face and we have to figure out visitation. Which I find hilarious since he hasn't seen her in 3 years so not too sure what we are going to figure out, but visitation needs to be figured out before he starts paying child support or some bull shit like that. I'm going to suggest like 2 Saturdays a month under my terms, so we will meet at my mother's house or at the park on Saturday mornings. hopefully he agrees to this. I will not budge. Then on top of that, I'm due 5 days later and so I have to waddle my ass in to court and I will feel judged. I'm sure he knows that I'm prego just because news travels fast in my town, but I just would rather look a little better when seeing him, I'm sure any girl would feel the same way. I also need strength. He always had a way with me to not let me get my point across, or I could say what I was thinking, and I never could get 2 words in edgewise. I'm just scared I will agree to something out of stupidity or because of his stupid ways. I just need to breathe, I know, and let it all play out. I'm hoping he is as nervous as I am or more. Also, what if I have the baby before the court date, what if I can't make it? Is having a baby a good enough excuse not to show up to a court date? I have no clue. All I do know is that there is so much uncertainty and it's scaring the crap out of me. I wish I didn't have to deal with this, but alas, it's happening, and had I know it would happen, I would have filed right after she was born so I could have been collecting all along. But I didn't know, so whatever. no use dwelling on it now. In other news, L started dance classes this past weekend. Tumbling and ballet! It was great! She loves it and I'm so glad I put her in them because I think it's just what she needed. She's growing in to such a little person, it's so much fun watching her. I wish I could wrestle around with her more like I used to..oh well, soon enough I will be able to do that again! I really do miss my body. So I also found out that with D living in my home with me, now when I apply for gov't assistance I will be eligible for nada. :( This really sucks. I pretty much can't come back to my job this means. Since I'd be paying $1000/month for daycare and I can not do that on my own. Right now I pay $600 and I barely scrape by. Having 2 kids and me would have given me some govt asst. I think they would have helped with 70% of the day care bill - but now with D in the household it puts us at too high of an income, which is bs, I wish they calculated bills in to that equation, but I guess nothing in life is free egh? So I'm going to have to take a lower paying job closer to home so that we can get assistance..nice huh? and a bit ass backwards if you ask me, but oh well. Hey maybe I can land a higher paying job. But in Michigan's economy right now, ha ha that is the biggest joke. Anyways, the whole thing is just very frusterating to me and makes me head hurt. Work is having a party for me on Friday for the baby, I guess a sort of baby shower, just no presents, so that will be fun! I hate being the center of attention, but it will be nice! Baby needs to come soon though, I'm really burned out at work, I dread waking up in the morning these days.