going along

Week 34 - things are going pretty good! This baby likes to kick me pretty much all the time, it's neat though because L rarely kicked so this experience is almost like brand new to me. I keep having dreams about this baby and I am getting very excited to meet her. I'm excited to have another miracle and to start this new journey. I'm scared but only because my whole family keeps telling me how horrible of a time I'm going to have and how my life is now over as I know it as soon as this baby comes, etc etc..it's very discouraging. I want to be happy damnit! I want this to be a great life experience, I don't want to dwell on it or be miserable. Every time I say anything to my mom, and I'm only just trying to vent to her, she ends up just saying, well this is your deal, don't ask me for help, or why don't you dump him then. She's usually drunk when giving me this wonderful advice, but it hurts that she doesn't really care and isn't really here for me like she was the last time. A peice of me feels that she is almost jealous that D is the one that is going to be taking care of me now. D will be the one in the hospital room, D will be the one cutting the cord, D will be the one driving us home, etc. She seems almost bitter about that, and keeps bringing things up to me which makes me mad. For example the other day she brought up money and the fact that D isn't paying me anything and basically just living with me for free and boy doesn't he have it made, blah blah..as if to try and make me mad at him, and guess what? it worked. I started thinking about how she was right and then my blood started to boil and then I asked D for money that night and told him he needs to give me $60 this week. ..3 weeks ago he gave me $40 and that's all I've seen from him since. So I'm paying for the groceries, consumers bill, HOUSE PAYMENT, everything. All he's paying for is his smokes and gas and food when he eats out. Oh yeah and the cable bill, his precious cable. He doesn't have a cell phone, but that cable bill surely gets paid each month. OH yeah he's got his car payment each week too, he gives my dad $50 per week toward the car he got from him. He will have that paid off by the end of Sept. so that's good. D still owes me $382 for a loan I gave him. I will never loan a massive amount of money again, but I figured $480 wasn't that bad. Considering that I signed a loan for Chris for $7000 when I was with him, I mean, come on, WTH was I thinking!?! He paid back $3500 of it, but still owes me $3500, and I'm quite certain I will never see that money again. I vowed right then never to loan anyone money again..a good lesson learned. Now I'm pretty much just supporting D huh? Am I stupid? Love makes you, or I guess ME, do stupid things. I hope I don't ever have feelings of regret for taking D in like I have. He gives me extra money when he can. He is not like Chris at all. He is very humble. I don't feel like I'm doing anything stupid, but my mom and friend Stacie have told me differently. I guess they just don't want to see me get hurt. D said once my dad is paid off he will start giving me the $50/week so that will be nice. Although then he will have C/S too and will he just consider that his rent payment?? I do sincerely hope not. We'll see I guess. Having A for the 2 weeks is going pretty good. We had his sister and her stay the night on Tuesday night. It went fine, except L was a nightmare trying to get to sleep and then in the morning it was hell trying to get her out the door for daycare since she wanted to stay and play with A, but other than that it went fine. Kind of a full house but still went well. I still haven't done anything to prepare for new baby besides rack my brain. I need to start actually DOING stuff instead of just thinking about stuff. I need to rearrange my cupboards in my kitchen, and then of course the nursery, oh boy. My mom came over last night and we looked at it at least and kind of got an idea how we want to set it up. The room is so tiny and I'm going to attempt to have a crib, glider chair and ottoman, dresser, and changing table. although my mom suggested just putting the pad thing right on the dresser and change her on that instead of dragging in the changing table..we'll see! I need to wash all the baby clothes and get them put in to the dresser. Organize L's toys as they are all stacked up in the baby's closet whereas if you open the closet door a huge stack of toys will come falling down on you. yeah, it's a mess. Maybe this weekend. Who knows. I've been having I think Braxton Hicks contractions, it's been pretty unpleasant. I get another ultrasound on the 20th for some odd reason, I should have refused it but oh well, might as well check it out I guess and make sure all is well. They shouldn't need to do anymore though should they? ugh. Oh and I still haven't talked to work about my 12 weeks off. I'm too afraid. What if they don't let me? I would be crushed. This is what I really want, and I think by law they have to give me the 12 weeks off, but I'm not entirely sure. The last time I had a baby they fired me because they wouldn't allow any unpaid time off and I was an at-will employee, it was this same company, so who knows what kind of strings they will pull this time. that's what scares me I guess. D has been in better moods lately so that has been nice. I'm not sure why the change, but I'm definitly not complaining, things there have really been good and we both seem happy. He seems disconnected from the baby stuff and doesn't even really talk about it. Just pays a lot of attention to my belly at night and plays with the baby, but other than that he doesn't talk about it. I have asked him several times to come to baby's r us with me, I want him to buy the coming home outfit, but he always just says, why do we have to do it now. so we haven't done that yet. But I really want to try the slingrider thing so I'm going to buy that too, it's $50 but I think a sling would be wonderful to have to keep baby close to me and still have hands free to play with L. L just keeps asking, Is my baby here yet? It's so cute. She always wants to kiss my belly and then looks up at me so serious and says "baby's kickin". I am going to miss that. I really should video tape it or at least get a pic of her kissing my belly. I haven't taken many pics of my belly at all really. I need to do that. Especially since it could be too late here pretty soon.