RAGE - ing hormones

I am so not myself these days. I don't think it helped that D had A all weekend. I just get mad for no reason. Or if there is a reason, I completely blow it out of proportion. L wasn't taking a nap on Saturday and I went ape shit on her. I was screaming at the poor child, mainly because I was tired beyond belief and just wanted to fucking sleep. I laid there with her for 2 hours and kept making her lay down, etc. Finally D came home and came in and asked if L could come out and play with A and I made a huge deal about it, and he said I could still take a nap, but I said forget that, so I sat out in the living room and pouted instead. WTF is wrong with me? Then I got pissed off on Saturday because A and L made a huge mess in the bedroom so I got my shoes on and took L to my mom's house and stayed the night there since my mom was out of town. I just can't handle A and L together. A drives me completely insane. Then Saturday morning illegedly L was coloring on the walls. L told me that A did too. I believe her. D of course, does not believe that A would ever color on the walls. He took L and took her to her room for a time out, so I threw a fit and said he should punish his own kid too since we weren't out there and don't know for sure what happened, and he just said A would never color on the walls. I went and got L out of her time out, I felt it was unfair. A of course said no, she didn't do it, but why would she admit it when she sees L getting in trouble for it. And L has no idea how to lie so why would she make it up that A colored on the walls too?! I just don't get it. D thinks his precious A is perfect though and it makes me want to hurl. So the whole day just started out shitty, not to mention there was absolutely nothing going on all weekend, so of course I predicted a fight. Sunday morning L and I came home and brought a peace offering of doughnuts, but of course as soon as I saw D and saw that he was still mad, I again got mad. But I still apologized for the things I had said - I had told him the previous day how I can't stand when A is here and they mess up the whole house because I'M the one who gets stuck cleaning it all up! - I apologized and he still just said, "eghm" didn't respond at all and just laid there in my bed. So then I had A and L all morning for about 2.5 hours while he laid there and watched TV, another things that pissed me off. Finally he got up, took A to his aunts house and I didn't see him the rest of the day til about 8 or 9pm last night. And of course when he gets home he is being nice and now all of a sudden wants me. Bull shit that was going to happen. I was stuck home alone with L all day and got all of the babies laundry done.. Fun. while he was at his aunts house probably playing cards and having all sorts of fun and at least being SOCIAL, while I'm stuck in the quietness of home. L was not too much company as she just kept getting in to mischeif and held me back from doing any type of chores. Oh and to go back to Saturday, D decided(while I was at my mom's) to put the babies huge dresser in front of the toy closet so that L and A can't play anymore. NOt to mention as I was leaving he was telling A that she can't play with L anymore because Jill said so and she can't touch L's toys anymore either cuz Jill said so. Oh I wanted to hurt him bad! So I couldn't move the dresser on Sunday to get stuff I needed out of the closet, because it's a huge ass dresser and it wouldn't even budge for me. GRrrrrrrr. I am still so pissed off and do not really know what to do. We are on speaking terms, but nothing got resolved, I don't know what to say. I'm at a loss. I can't help it that, I hate to say this, but I don't like his kid?! Is that what it could be? I feel like a horrible person for saying that. But I guess I'm the type that likes my own kids but no one elses? My cousins child who is 9 months older than L aggravates me also. What is my problem!? I feel so heartless! How can you not like or love a child?! I haven't told D any of my feelings and don't really intend to, I can't say that shit to him. This is his kid and I do love him so I've put up with her thus far, I just don't think I can do it anymore, I'm taking my anger out on L and that's not fair! AT ALL! This morning I was late for work, yes it was L's fault, she sat on the toilet for 15 minutes and didn't even go! I was so mad, the rage came back again and I was screaming at her so bad it made her cry. I feel so guilty, but it's like this rage comes out of nowhere and SO is not me at all!!! The slightest stupid thing sets me off. That scares me because what is it going to be like when baby #2 gets here? I hope this rage doesn't follow me, I hope it's a pregnancy thing and goes away, I hope I like A more after the baby comes too. I'm so worried that there is something wrong with me. Yesterday I was so depressed from just sitting in the house all day, I finally dragged L out to WalMart just to buy her a toy because She kept bugging me to go shopping. D and I were supposed to go out shopping on Saturday and that never happened. Sunday came and went and we still didn't go. He had finally agreed to go to Babies r us with me and then we fought and did'nt make it. We need to go to best buy too, he got a house phone and we have no cordless phone so we are gonna go buy one. At least I'll finally be able to reach him! Tonight my dad is picking L up from daycare so I asked if he would babysit so D and I could go shopping and he agreed, so maybe we can talk at that time, but about what? I am speechless. I might need to talk to a psychologist about ppd once this baby comes too. I already am feeling symptomatic. I don't want to be the crazy parent, the one that yells about stupid shit, what if I'm turning in to my own mother? I used to take anxiety meds a long time ago, 2003, took them for 1 year, and I was cured, never had another anxiety attack since. So i know the medications can and do work. Maybe I will need one again? It's worth a shot I guess. This time it's not anxiety though really..a small hint of anxiety - not the anxiety mess I was in 03 that's for sure - but mainly feeling depression. I'm already looking at yoga classes with Stacie in the winter as well. I do believe that exercise is far greater than any anti-depressants, and was even thinking about starting to jog around my neighborhood when I can catch a break. Maybe I will try that first, because I don't feel total loss of control of my self, just a little symptomatic. PLus it will help with me getting my body back if I start the exercise stuff again! I miss it. The rage, I 'm thinking is just pregnancy - I thought for sure I was going to go in to labor on Saturday after yelling at L like that - that just so isn't me or my personality - it was not me! This probably makes no sense. A is still here until this Sunday..sigh. At least she won't be around for Labor Day weekend, I have Friday through monday off and I am just over joyed...A 4 day weekend is mucho needed!!!! I'm going to go wallow in guilt now for being a horrible parent this weekend....