things floating on my mind today

I have a feeling I'm really going to need this blog as soon as things get started with this whole child support/custody thing that I have started. sigh. I can't believe my baby girl has been breathing for almost 3 years and this deadbeat has not seen her since she was 2 months old, nor has given us one cent toward anything. I should have filed a while back, but didn't want the drama of him in our lives, so I stayed out of it and had he persued a relationship with her (a while ago!) I would have been okay with it, but it has been disappointing since she was 2 months. I remember a year ago in September he called and wanted to see her, so I set up a time and place to meet and guess what? He didn't show up. Nothing since. Now I had to file support due to having to receive medicaid- blah - so now I've opened up a new can of worms and I'm scared shitless. I'm so afraid he's going to come after custody now after all these years. I am going to have to sit down with him in a hearing like situation and we are going to have to come to an agreement on child support and on custody..how do i do that with someone I haven't seen in 3 years and have so much built up anger toward?? I suppose the ball will be in my court since I'm the one that has been raising her since day one, but omg, the anxiety is already here and there is no court date yet. He first has to go and meet one on one with the child support lady, then after that is when the court date will be set up. It's a slow process so this could be months from now. Who really knows. All I know, is I'm scared for my baby. Maybe it will be a good thing. But mainly, i'm scared. He's not working right now either so I know that I won't be getting much from him. I really don't think this is all worth it. I wish I could just go back and change my mind. I want to run away from this. I won't be able to move out of state unless it's approved by the court and by him..I hate not having control of my own life. Things with D are going better. We've both let up a little bit and are just kinda getting along - may be fakely so - but getting along none the less. I'm trying my hardest not to bitch at him about every little thing and I think he's trying too. I noticed if I just shut up and do things around the house, then he will pitch in too and help me also..it's a team effort and i think I had kind of forgotten that seeing that I'm spoiled and felt that he should be doing everything. So we shall see what happens. Tomorrow I get to see my baby girl again with an ultrasound! I am psyched!!! I'm taking my mom along because she is so anxous to see her! I haven't seen her since 20 weeks so I'm ready. D couldn't take the time off from work anyways so it's better this way. My daughter is having a difficult time with the transition to the toddler bed. I honestly did not think it would be this difficult, but she cries and cries now when I go to leave her at night. I've been just laying with her and trying to bargain with her.."if you go to sleep like a good girl then you can have a fruit snack in the morning". Stuff like that. Probably shouldn't be doing it, but it has worked thus far.. I use it as a last resort but it works. Or I just lay with her until she is very tired, then she doesn't mind if I am walking out. She fell out of bed last night and cried and cried..hit her head on her night stand..even though there is a mattress down below she still hit her head. So i pulled the mattress from underneath out a little more..its a trendle bed. My mom and her boyfriend broke up again this weekend. sigh. He is supposed to be coming over tomorrow night to get his things, I have a feelling they will be back together though. Let's see if I'm correct. Work is kicking my butt. Lots of new changes here and I'm physically and mentally drained. I don't want to come back after I have the baby. I wish I didn't have to. I'm going to try my hardest to take 12 weeks off.