My crazy emotions

Well, yesterday was the day when I had to meet Chris face to face again. It was tough, I'm not going to lie. Three years since that loser last saw his daughter, he's never even given us a cent, or a diaper for that matter, and here I am having to face him all because the government forced me to. I really hate how they say the gov't has no control over society because in fact, they do. I'm not even eligible for any kind of public assistance, but just because I applied they forced me in to this, I honestly didn't even have a choice, I just got a letter that said there was a hearing. The fact that this lady we met with yesterday was totally and completely on Chris' side did not help matters either. We arrived at the same time and had to sit in the lobby together, he kept whispering things to me such as, how are you doing? How is she doing? Which I replied with one word answers. Then he has the nerve to say: She must have grown! No shit dumbass! I didn't even reply, just shook my head. I couldn't even look him in the eye, I have so much hate for this person, I really think I may need help in this department. Anyway, we go in to this small room with the child support specialist ie: this lady that is on Chris' side. He has this act going that he is all father of the year. Says how he really has been meaning to give us money, etc etc..then the words that I never hoped I'd hear. When can I see her, I thought that this was what this meeting was about. No, this meeting was to get the child support payment established. Which it got established, then she kept reducing it for him after he would whine. I didn't say many words, I just sat there silently wishing I had strength. I was a woman of few words yesterday, and not sure if that helped me or not. I wanted to punch him in the face so many different times. Like when he said how he understands that having a baby is expensive. OR when he said he had no idea child care was so expensive. or when he said he could just take her during the day so I don't have to pay for day care. UGH. He did reveal that he has a fiance and that she has children, so I'm wondering if she is telling him what to say, it really was such an act. Then he said he realizes that if he gets a better paying job that he is willing to pay more, etc etc. They lowballed me for sure, I am getting crap for c.s. and ya know what? I don't even give a shit. I don't want his dirty money anyways, and that is exactly how I think of it. I'm getting it direct deposited in to L's bank account and not touching it, unless I get desperate and she needs new clothes or something and I just can't make ends meet then that would be the only way I would delve in to it. Otherwise, it's hers. So then the lady said that both parties need to agree on visitation - so I said I would be okay with meeting at a park or something so that he could meet her - even though just saying that had me swallowing my heart. We exchanged phone numbers and that was that. Nothing was forced custody wise, the paper says I have physical and sole custody of L. So that is one good thing. It's just this pitt in my stomache now. It literally hurts and my heart aches. I have no strength left and I just wish I would have done something differently. Gotten my Master's degree so that I could have a better paying job so I wouldn't of even had to apply for stupid assistance in the first place. If there was any way that I could have avoided yesterdays events I just wish I knew. It also stated I can not move out of state unless approved by the court. So I am hoping to find some kick ass job out of state, because that is one way that the court would approve it and that would get me the hell away from him. The hardest part yesterday is that D was/is out of town and can not be there for me. I got home and wanted to just break down and cry. But then decided he's not worth it. So I just sat there in silence for about an hour, then went and picked up L. D had to travel for work and will not be home until Wednesday late night :( I desperately just wanted to hold him. Seeing Chris just made me love D that much more. I would never replace L for the world, so I know that what I had to go through was worth it in the big picture, but sooo not worth it with how I am looking at it right now. He said something else like, yeah we can do supervised visits a couple of times before I start taking her. I just laughed under my breath. "start taking her" should not even be in his vocabulary. I will flee the country before he just starts taking her. Good God! So yes, I suppose I have some emotional baggage that goes along with this event, but he hasn't changed. People don't just change. His behavior and having to listen to his voice yesterday told me that he hasn't changed. I hate him. and hate him more for not just letting us go. I wish I knew the future and what is to come of all of this. It is too soon to tell, but this pit stomache is back and now it's here to stay. blah.