Sinking

I didn't qualify for anything. I was devastated and basically could not stop crying for about an hour. I just felt as though I would of at least gotten something, but instead I got nothing. I realized then that I need help, I can't do this on my own. It's just not going to work out. Life sure is throwing me a hard ball this time. Seems every avenue I go down I just keep getting dead ends. And I don't know why I'm even typing about it. What is that going to help? Who even cares anyway? I had my normal ob appointment today where they check the baby's hearbeat and it's still there, in the 150s. The baby is setting really low, which I could have guessed since that is where all of my cramps have been. She sprung it on me that surprise your pap smear came back negative. I have atypical cells and have to have another colposcopy done. sigh. I had one done about a year ago and NOT FUN! at. all. I'm not looking forward to it. It's 2 weeks from today and I'm already nervous. Oh well, I suppose it's good to have it checked but come on! Can't they just re-pap first? I don't get it. But I'm going to suck it up and do it, even though every part of me wants to just run far far away. I think I'm buying a trailor. It's in great condition and is in a really neat and clean park. I never thought I'd be the proud owner of a trailer, but here I am, officially trailer park trash! woot woot! It's not a trashy park though, far from it, it's mainly retirees and a great neighborhood for bike riding, walking! I can't wait, it's got 3 bedrooms, a washer and dryer and a dishwasher. The 3 appliances I have been DYING for since I moved out at 18. I'm excited about it and really think we will be happy here for the next couple of years.. Then maybe i can buy a house someday, but until then, the trailer is mine. It is 25 thousand and it's 1999. It will cost me about 6oo ish per month which is 100 more then I'm paying now for all that extra wonderment. I'm excited but at the same time scared. I HATE change, whether I know it or not, I am just not a fan of change. My biggest concern of course is L. I hate changing things for her. Why is it that I feel guilty taking her out of what she knows and putting her someplace she doesn't know. I want her to have stability I guess is what it boils down to. This park is kiddie corner from L's daycare which is wonderment also. So much more time I will have in the am before work! Plus I don't have to haul stuff up and down stairs to my tiny apartment anymore, and no longer will have to haul laundry for mom to do. I will now do my own laundry and will do it happily! (for now). As for D...I think I want him to move in with us. I think it would be the best and he could help out financially as well. It will all be in my name so if it doesn't work out I could always kick him out right? I just think since we are bringing a child in to this world then maybe it would be better if he was in the picture and actually with us 24/7. Maybe I'm just terrified of being single with 2 kids. Or maybe I love the guy. He's easy to love, but also easy to hate. We have a lot of underlying issues and he doesn't like to talk about them, so I have a feeling we are just at a calm in the storm for right now. We'll see. I do love him though. When I think about him I get that butterfly sensation in my tummy(oh wait that's just our offspring!) no but even pre-pg I still felt that way about him. He is quite possibly the one for me. Time will tell. D is going to apply for np's old job, haha, I have to laugh at this. One thing that sucks about that is that his work shift will be 3-11 and he really will be of no help to me in the evenings with getting the kids to bed. On the other hand, he will have kick ass insurance and great pay! i could marry him, get on his insurance, and get a part time job in my own city that is stress free! I like that idea! I hope hope hope he gets this job, it would take a lot of the pressure off. There is just so much shit going on in my life right now, but I'm hoping and praying that it will all just fall in to place like one giant puzzle peice. I need to get closer to God again and really need His help right now. I hope He will listen to me. I tend to only talk to Him when I'm struggeling.