baby steps

There are a couple things I want to do differently this time around with the new baby. Not too much, but one that I have just started researching is cloth diapering. I'm very excited about it and have gotten a ton of excellent information regarding it off of my baby board. I don't have a washer/dryer right now, but if I am living somewhere(and I intend to be) that has one I will for sure be doing this. I still have to buy a few, I'm only going to buy a few to start out with just incase it doesn't work out for me, but I'm so geeked up about this. Who knew that diapers would be exciting, I sure as heck didn't. I just know how horrible the environment is from diapers, not to mention plastic bags, baby steps. I also just learned about cloth pads for women too! How cool! I am not going to research this until I'm a pro with cloth diapering though first. My biggest concern with cd'ing is the folding, I am not good at that kind of stuff so I think I'll be practicing on a doll for a while before I can get it down. I think they have something called pre-folds which sounds awesome, then something else called snappis where it means that you do not need to use pins..I sound like such a beginner and am hoping that one day this will all be a part of my vocab and that I actually know what I'm talking about, haha. Another concern I have is the washing. I think what you have to do though is rinse them in cold right away after a poopie diaper, and then wash like normal on hot water? I will read more about this but right now that is what I think I could do. I also need to check with daycare to see if they even allow cloth diapers. If not then I will have to send disposables for school and cloth for at home. Something different to try and probably so much more comfortable for baby. I think they make flushable liners also that way the diaper won't get too stained! I can't wait to try these!!! Another thing that I'm switching to is glass bottles. I detest the plastic ones and I got a news article forwarded to me from Stacie that they are marketting glass bottles now too!! How exciting! I still wish they would do bottled water in glass too. How terrible for our environment not too, not to mention all the cancer causing agents. blah. hmm maybe I am turning green? It starts to rub off after a while I think. I hope my town carries glass bottles because I really want them! I think those are the 2 major changes that I want to do this time. Not too bad! Other things that I need to buy yet: 1. Sling for my baby- I have no idea and need to research these 2. breast pump - my co-worker offered hers for me to use, not sure what I will do yet. 3. hmm I can't think of anything else right now! So that's it I guess. I am starting to get more excited about this baby!! I think it's because I am not so constantly sick - I am starting to get a wee bit more energy and I can really feel it kicking and we are bonding already! Not to mention the daddy this time is actually involved, I think the whole L&D experience is going to be so much nicer too because the dad will actually be there! and be in our lives! Right now D and I still aren't on good terms. I feel terrible because I'm being a total bitch. Why do i have to be that way? I hate that I'm so stubborn and just do not budge, I wish there was a way to change it, but for some reason it's just how I am. Yesterday he came over and was blocking me from going to the living room from the kitchen. I got so angry with him! I know it's because Np used to baracade me in my room all the time and would'nt let me leave - dumb ass. It brought back flashbacks. sigh..they seem to have more in common than I thought. Even though what D was doing was totally innocent and he was just playing around, it still pissed me off and he has no idea why. I am not an open person and don't usually care for telling sob stories or talking about the past. It just brings up ugly memories and makes you feel the pain that much more in your heart. I bury things..deep deep down. I need to talk to D but his phone has been shut off so i have no way to contact him right now. I just wish I could say I am sorry and that I love him, but then when I see him I get stubborn again and really quiet. I don't think I can even fathom the idea of him even loving me and I just keep waiting for something to happen where he will leave and be just like the rest. He always tells me that he's not my ex, and I know that to a degree but it still is scarey and it still makes me think. I've been hurt before and he needs to realize that it really hasn't been that long ago and I still have to think about it. blah. I wish I didn't have to but I do. I wish D and I were more compatible than what we are. We can make it work but we are such opposites. I really hope we can make it work, I want to try more than anything right now. I am just so scared. Only the future knows for sure. Hopefully my hormones don't get too screwy as the months go on, hopefully they start to stabalize soon. If not, I fear I will only let myself down in the long run. Until next time.