My thoughts for today

I haven't done the blog thing...ever. So if this is very choppy, random, then I am sorry, but it's mainly for myself to help me through a shit ton of shit that is going on these days and I honestly have no outlet except to my 2 year old daughter, who, let's face it, is not going to sit and have a serious conversation with me. Anyway, I get up each day, I go to work, and I come home, my life is so very monotonous and this is NOT where I pictured myself at this stage in life. I feel so stuck in a rut..stuck being the emphasized word. I literally can not leave my job, what would I do then? Where would I go? How would I pay bills? It's more complicated now because I am 3 months pregnant with my boyfriend of all of 5 months. We didn't exactly plan this, in fact, the whole first 2 months I cried because I just could not accept the fact that I was going to have L and now another. I can barely handle L on my own. I am going to have to wake up at 5am just to have adequate time in the am to get them both ready for daycare and then me ready for work, then hauling them both to the car and AHH I just hate the fact that I am doing this on my own. Don't get me wrong, D is great, but he does not help me at all with L, why would he? It's not his kid. Sometimes he does help, but he goes to work at 5:30AM so it's not as though he's going to be with me in the am to help. I have told him to back off when it comes to disciplining L because I am very selfish and want to do things my way, not to mention I don't really discipline her at all. I don't let her get away with stuff that is dangerous, but other than that I'm pretty laid back. He wants to constantly punish her for stupid little things that I don't think are worth getting worked up over(like playing with the tampons in the bathroom cupboard, who cares? let her play with them, it's not like she does it everyday, just one or two times ever). anyway, then when he tells her to go to time out, I usuallly always butt in and say, no don't make her do that, she's only 2. So I already see us butting heads with the new baby. He has already said that he's going to do the punishing for this kid..ughhh..i just want to scream. I don't know why he likes to pick fights with me, especially when I'm 3 months prego and very hormonal. emotional. it's like he gets off on it or something and it irks me. Long story short, who knows how long we are going to last, we already act like a freaking miserable married couple. He wants to stay at my apartment every. single. night. and that drives me freaking insane. First of all, he leaves messes and I end up cleaning up after him or bitching to him about it until he does it..he still, I swear to God, hasn't emptied the trash in my bedroom that I asked him to empty over a week ago. I don't want a trash can in my bedroom, I never had one before. Yet he feels the need not to listen to me and still put garbage in there. I get so pissed. I have crumbs in my bed because he set up his computer next to the bed so he sits on that and plays his stupid games(either world of warcraft, everquest, or whatever other dumb one he can come up with). That's a whole other post though because seriously. I am in the other room dealing with my 2 year old and he's in there playing games?!! I bitch seriously every time he does it, but he keeps doing it and I just can't take it! What is it going to be like with this kid. He has a daughter himself who is 5 and she comes for visits every other weekend..it drives me nuts that all he does is watch tv or play video games and he calls that playing with his daughter. I dunno. I just don't know. I must be crazy but I'm having a child with this person. When I type it all out I realize just how frusterated I really am with him, and I'm not sure I can take it. He is always mentioning marriage but HELLO? How can I possibly marry you. dumbass. Wow this feels better already. So back to the topic of daycare, another thing bugging the crap out of me. How in God's name am I supposed to pay for day care once this new baby comes? I mean, I pay $600 PER month right now for 1 child in day care..it's going to go up to about $1000/month for 2 in daycare. I mean, that is more than HALF of what I take home each month, there is no way I will ever be able to do that. I guess D will be helping with some - I have to remember that. But he makes way less than I do, so I figure I will get about 60/month from him for c.s. we'll see I guess. Do you think I am overreating about my situation with D. I mean, he is a good decent guy, should I keep trying with him? I just don't know what to do. I am so afraid of being alone again. L's NP didn't stick around too long after she was born. She was 2 months old the last time we saw him. Deadbeat loser. I hope that I didn't pick another one..I know for a fact he is NOT a deadbeat since he is a good father to his daughter and provides for her...but...maybe he isn't an all-star dad like I would LOVE for one of my children to have. I need someone that is going to meet me half way and be superdad and just have fun with. I know that is NOT D. Sigh...I think this is going downwardsville. I wish I would have ended things before getting pregnant, and abortion is not an option. I mean, don't get me wrong, when I first found out I was pregnant I did take the abortion road, but I quickly realized that as the person I am I could never terminate this baby..it breaks my heart to think that I ever had that thought. I just want my children to have the normal childhood like I had, and I don't see that happening any time soon..I guess I'm a loser magnet. My parents must be so proud. Oh back to the money thing...what am I going to do??? Plus health insurance for all of us.!? WTF!? Maybe I will try applying for Gov't assistance. If that doesn't work then I'm afraid I will have to quit my job and get on Gov't assistance...not something to be proud of but it's what I would have to do unfortunately the way the US is set up right now, they make things like a walk in the park for the poor. and then for the low-middle income they make it IMPOSSIBLE to get or do anything. It gives me a headache so I guess I will stop thinking about it. I feel like I am setteling with D and that is probably bad eh? And then now I'm thinking I will move back in with my mom, and oh man, that is a backstory in itself so I won't get in to it, but UGH that would and will be a nightmare. I guess I will end this post now because I could so keep going and going, it's really helping me get things off my chest. Until next time.