Where am I?

I never thought in a million years that this is where I'd be when age 26. I always imagined myself married for sure, and in my younger years I imagined myself in a big house with a big pool and a tall dark and handsome husband and then for sure living in California, perhaps right on the beach or at least near it. Why is it that we have such big dreams for ourselves and yet never accomplish them? Constantly wishing away our lives for what?? My dad said he is going to be moving to CA, I could technically move out there with him, and I most likely would. But why why why didn't I go it alone back when I was 18? I will never know. I was a chicken shit I guess. and now look. I'm stuck here in Michigan that I HATE! I know my family is here and that is great, but I honestly do not see them entirely that much. They have their own lives going on and their own adventures. They have the lives going that I wish I had. Why did everyone else get the good life, did I miss the boat? ok ok I realize that sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but so what, this is a blog and that's what it is for. I have this shitty job that I absolutely hate but took it since my parents were breathing down my neck to find a job with health insurance after college, it's like, all they cared about was health insurance...i didn't get it, but I did what they said because I know no difference. My parents are still the voices in my head, mainly my mom, but occasionally dad pops in too. My mom has had these control issues her whole life and pretty much dictates my life out for me. I hate this. and on more than one occasion I have hated my mother. What a horrible thing to say, but truth be known. She is cold as ice. Other times she is fantastic and we can laugh and have a great time together, but that is few and far between. She is in my life a lot because of my daughter. Her and L have a fabulous relationship and that little girl is my mom's entire life. My mom has even commented that had she not been around she would have killed herself after my dad left her. Which is heavy, but I mainly try to brush off statements like that from her. She wants my attention and I believe that is all she was doing. Anyway, so I took this shitty job and have now been stuck here for years and I'm so sick of it. My life was not supposed to be me sitting in a cubicle, following orders from a boss and dealing with nasty clients and co-workers. I am more of a free spirit and wish i could be writing a book or dancing, or some other job that is free-thinking, not cooped up in the coldest office ever. I literally sit here with my big fur coat on and freeze to death daily. I hate the weather in Michigan, always have. There again. What the fuck am I still doing here. I am not blaming either pregnancy on my permanent residence either because I could have left so so so many times pre-kids but still never did. I told L that she is going to UCLA. No, I mustn't dictate her life, she can choose to go anywhere she chooses. My luck she will end up in community college in MI! I must move before we get to that point! My friends are also in MI so yet another thing to take in to consideration. Stacie is very much a huge part of my life, she's helped me out so much and pretty much has been the only constant in my life since I had L. All of my other friends scattered or were associated with L's NP so I cut them out of my life. Rightfully so I might add. Who wants to be friends with someone that is now better friends with your ex than with you?? that is just fucked up. I can see if ex and I remained friends, but he was an abusive prick. Maybe my father moving to CA would be my ticket out of here, but I can not rely on that for sure happening. We'll see. Before finding out we were prego, D wanted me to move to AL with him to stay in his uncles' house til we found jobs. I was all for it. However, when it comes down to it, I just don't think I would have gone. I need to get some guts. no guts. no glory. right? Anyway, now that I'm pregnant we for sure can't move because I need the health insurance, LOL. It all comes back to health insurance. But it's true. I need it to pay for labor and delivery. D did not care at all that we were staying in MI. He is a mover though and would go anywhere the wind blew. That is one thing I do like about the guy. he is the most easygoing person I know. I honeslty hope that this child has his personality. My hands are frozen so I must end for now. Until next time.