waiting for answers

Easter was okay. Lilly and I went to church and what a nightmare that was. I don't know why I even bother. She does not sit still for anything and is starting to really enjoy the tantrum throwing. My cousin Sara was there with her 3 year old and 1 year old and so the girls were getting in to trouble together. It was not fun to say the least. Then they did communion which adds on an extra 20 minutes. We were out the door at the start of the last hymn. Then to my mom's house for lunch. D actually showed up, but again was highly anti-social. Of course later when we went to his house he was super loud. I don't understand why he can't talk to my family. I don't like it. he's too shy. My mom is suspicious of him now and even called asking to make sure I would leave him if he ever hurt me. wtf. I of course would, but he seriously would never hurt a fly. I hate that he is so quiet around them, because it probably makes him out to look like some sort of psychopath or something. yes, our families are complete opposites, but I still talk to his family! I feel like he doesn't like my family and I hate that feeling. Anyway, my mom's meal was delicious and then we had an egg hunt for all the kids which Stacie and I had a great time hiding them all. They seemed to enjoy it and I'm sure my mom will randomly be finding eggs throughout the course of the year. L enjoyed her easter basket from the easter bunny. It took her forever to notice it sitting behind the chair but when she found it she was pretty shocked and happily took everything out of the basket. She loves jelly beans too I've found out. So today is my appt to find out what I'm eligible for assistance-wise. I'm nervous only because I know already that they are going to make me file for child support from np. That scares me so much. I had a horrible nightmare last night that he tried to kidnap L. I woke up sweating to death. I am so scared about filing, but at the same time I know in my heart that it is what needs to be done. Not for me, but for L and her future. It's just so frusterating, but I will get over it. Once it's done I will feel better I think. L calls me mommy-daddy. It's so sad and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I will say, no I'm just mommy. Then she said, Carter's daddy ( a kid at day care) and I said, oh Carter has a daddy? and she said Uh -huh. and I said, and you just have a mommy don't you!? and she said, uh'huh. Then said, Mommy-D(dbf's name). I hope she isn't insecure because she doesn't have a daddy. I want to be up front with her and be honest with her. Just probably not at the age of 2. Who knows. No matter what we do we seem to always feel like we are messing our kids up I think. Work wants me to put together a workshop on surviving single motherhood. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do or say at this workshop, I need to start researching and getting material together because they want to start it April 1st! yikes. I have no clue what kind of things to do in this workshop!!! I'm sure I will end up quitting the workshop idea, I suck at public speaking. I will try it out, but I have a feeling it will be awful. I am now looking at mobile homes. There is a park in my city that is very very nice! I love it! We looked at a couple this weekend and one was a 2 bedroom, but had it been 3 I would have bought it right then. I really need 3 bedrooms. But wow, it was beautiful! I am going to check out a couple 3 bedroom homes tomorrow in the same area. I am excited because I could totally see my family living in that place. It's clean, it doesn't look like your "typical" trailor park. There are also normal houses in there too. So hopefully this will work out. Especially since it's way cheaper than an actual house. there is lot rent, which kinda sucks, but it's only about $280/month which isn't too bad. I hope this works out! My mom even likes them too which is nice because her opinion is big for me. Lots of things are changing in my life, not sure if I'm ready!