Jumbled thoughts

Well, telling my dad was much easier then everyone else, which I was quite surprised by. My brother is actually the one who told him initially because I had asked him to. I was too scared to do it myself so I made my brother do it. Then my dad called several minutes later and said, Congratulations! I was in shock and said i was surprised, he said, if this one is anything like L then I have no reason not to be happy. Awe, THAT is what I've been waiting to hear. THAT is the kind of things I NEED to hear. THAT was perfect and I am so glad that someone can fudge it for me, even if it's not what they are thinking..just make something up for the mere fact that I may not be handeling it well and need to hear some positive things. All my family seems to do is state the negatives and tell me how very hard this is going to be and how sorry they feel for me, yada yada yada, I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT! I understand that they are probably correct, but it's not a burden to have a baby, it's a blessing, and It will be as great or as miserable as you make it. Of course if people are telling you how hard it's going to be and poor you, then of course you probably will make it hard and it will be tough. But how about we go at it with a positive approach for once. My mom NEVER does this. No matter what. When I lived with her last time it was constant negativity. If I did my best to clean the kitchen that day, she would bitch that I didn't do the laundry. I just don't need her in my life every. damn. day. I can not move back in with this woman. Just the thought of it is already making me cringe and making my brain hurt and I'm not even back with her!! It's just thinking of being back with her. That can't be good. Yes, it would be helpful to have her there when the baby was sick or in the middle of the night, but is it worth it. NO! It's not!!! I have to remember this and I CAN NOT move back in with that bitch. I love my mom, but these past few years have really made her cold as ice and I will never have my old mom back. Don't forget this! Then on top of that, Stacie keeps telling things to me like, you need to save your money, you need to stop taking the easy way out of stuff, blah blah..wtf? I don't understand where she gets off lecturing me!! But whatever. I think she is trying to do it in my best interest, but really it's just pissing me off. Sometimes I think she likes to do that though. Piss me off that is. Why? I have no idea!!! That's not what a friend is for. Maybe she really is naive and is just saying this stuff because from the outside that is what it looks like to her? If she only knew how it really was. If she only knew. I need maternity clothes. None of my pants fit, and I'm sitting at work with them unbuttoned and bulging out of my clothes, this is the most uncomfortable I've ever been. I really need to get to the store, any store, and just buy a couple pair of pants. Of course work colleauges have said they would give me some of their old clothes but have I seen any yet, of course NOT! I have been putting off buying things because of their promises, but by the time I get these "clothes" they've promised I will be bursting the seems. I guarantee if I bent over right now they would rip. Now on to D. We haven't spoken since yesterday morning at 9:30. He walked out without saying good bye and we haven't talked since. WTF!? He doesn't help me out at all and when I call him out on it he gets mad at me. Oh and the classic was Saturday night when L smushed blueberries all inthe carpet and all he said was, you might want to clean your carpet. Well 2 hours prior he was calling it our bedroom and now all of a sudden it's my carpet. So I said, you know you can help me out once in a while. His reply? You won't let me discipline L so that's why she did that so you can clean it up. I swear to God the guy shifts the blame to me each and every time something doesn't go right. I'm SICK of it!! I will not put up with that. I dealt with that with the np and I will not be with someone that shifts the blame and can't man up to their own inadaquacies. It pisses me off and he can grow the fuck up. Be a man. Be responsible and help your pregnant girlfriend out once in a while PLEASE! I did this on my own last time and it has been nice having him around when I'm not pissed at him. He will help when he feels like it, like taking out the garbage or unloading things out of my car, which is more than I had last pregnancy so whatever I can get I will take. But I'm hormonal and things piss me off, especially his immaturity. He acts like such a baby sometimes. GROW UP! ok I'm done and I won't say it again(in this post, he he). L is being a PITA about going to sleep lately. What is that about? Last night she was scared of the nail hole in the wall and kept screaming "Bug". It's hard to explain to a 2 year old what a "hole in the wall" is. She screamed and wailed because she wanted her mama in her room at all times, I'm not allowed to leave anymore, it's discouraging to say the least. I'm used to her going to bed with no problems and now all of a sudden she has these insecurities..what from I wonder? I'm so confused. I hope it's nothing I did. It has literally taken me an hour to get her to sleep for the past 2 weeks. Maybe she is testing her boundries? I try and be stern but that makes her cry harder. Last night I was screaming at her because I got so frusterated and it didn't even phase her. She thinks when I scream that it's funny. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. I now understand why they have the supernanny shows and all the call-in radio listeners that are at losses with disciplining their children because I am now one of them. But this whole sleep issue..it's insane and I wish I knew how to fix it. I feel like I'm here today but yet not here. Make sense? I wish this life was all a dream though. Sitting here in my cubicle is really disheartening and makes me want to walk out and keep on going until I reach..anywhere? Until next time.