Sinking

I didn't qualify for anything. I was devastated and basically could not stop crying for about an hour. I just felt as though I would of at least gotten something, but instead I got nothing. I realized then that I need help, I can't do this on my own. It's just not going to work out. Life sure is throwing me a hard ball this time. Seems every avenue I go down I just keep getting dead ends. And I don't know why I'm even typing about it. What is that going to help? Who even cares anyway? I had my normal ob appointment today where they check the baby's hearbeat and it's still there, in the 150s. The baby is setting really low, which I could have guessed since that is where all of my cramps have been. She sprung it on me that surprise your pap smear came back negative. I have atypical cells and have to have another colposcopy done. sigh. I had one done about a year ago and NOT FUN! at. all. I'm not looking forward to it. It's 2 weeks from today and I'm already nervous. Oh well, I suppose it's good to have it checked but come on! Can't they just re-pap first? I don't get it. But I'm going to suck it up and do it, even though every part of me wants to just run far far away. I think I'm buying a trailor. It's in great condition and is in a really neat and clean park. I never thought I'd be the proud owner of a trailer, but here I am, officially trailer park trash! woot woot! It's not a trashy park though, far from it, it's mainly retirees and a great neighborhood for bike riding, walking! I can't wait, it's got 3 bedrooms, a washer and dryer and a dishwasher. The 3 appliances I have been DYING for since I moved out at 18. I'm excited about it and really think we will be happy here for the next couple of years.. Then maybe i can buy a house someday, but until then, the trailer is mine. It is 25 thousand and it's 1999. It will cost me about 6oo ish per month which is 100 more then I'm paying now for all that extra wonderment. I'm excited but at the same time scared. I HATE change, whether I know it or not, I am just not a fan of change. My biggest concern of course is L. I hate changing things for her. Why is it that I feel guilty taking her out of what she knows and putting her someplace she doesn't know. I want her to have stability I guess is what it boils down to. This park is kiddie corner from L's daycare which is wonderment also. So much more time I will have in the am before work! Plus I don't have to haul stuff up and down stairs to my tiny apartment anymore, and no longer will have to haul laundry for mom to do. I will now do my own laundry and will do it happily! (for now). As for D...I think I want him to move in with us. I think it would be the best and he could help out financially as well. It will all be in my name so if it doesn't work out I could always kick him out right? I just think since we are bringing a child in to this world then maybe it would be better if he was in the picture and actually with us 24/7. Maybe I'm just terrified of being single with 2 kids. Or maybe I love the guy. He's easy to love, but also easy to hate. We have a lot of underlying issues and he doesn't like to talk about them, so I have a feeling we are just at a calm in the storm for right now. We'll see. I do love him though. When I think about him I get that butterfly sensation in my tummy(oh wait that's just our offspring!) no but even pre-pg I still felt that way about him. He is quite possibly the one for me. Time will tell. D is going to apply for np's old job, haha, I have to laugh at this. One thing that sucks about that is that his work shift will be 3-11 and he really will be of no help to me in the evenings with getting the kids to bed. On the other hand, he will have kick ass insurance and great pay! i could marry him, get on his insurance, and get a part time job in my own city that is stress free! I like that idea! I hope hope hope he gets this job, it would take a lot of the pressure off. There is just so much shit going on in my life right now, but I'm hoping and praying that it will all just fall in to place like one giant puzzle peice. I need to get closer to God again and really need His help right now. I hope He will listen to me. I tend to only talk to Him when I'm struggeling.

uncertainty

I went to my appointment yesterday to find out about getting assitance from the gov't. I still don't know if I qualify but I'm nervous that I won't. I don't think I will because of how much is in my savings account but I do have my fingers crossed and really really hope I can get something, anything. Anyway, Then I am also eligible for WIC so that is cool. I am gonna go on April 23rd to get that all set up, which is a really nice program and I'm thankful for it. The case worker said they are going to force me to file for child support on np, which I guess isn't a bad thing, but i just found out this morning from my dad that he got fired! Which did put a smile on my face, but then I quickly realized that my child support payments would be dramatically lower than if he were working, oh well, who cares about that dead beat anyways! So hopefully by Friday i find out what I'm getting from the gov't. I go tonight to look at 2 more double wides. I can't wait! I really like this park and really think I would LOVE living in one. We'll see. I think it would be a better deal than buying a house, so we'll see. I'm kinda nervous. I am not sure if I would have D move in with me either. I just can't stand him for that many days in a row, but I think once the baby came I would be happy to have him there so maybe I will just suck it up and deal with it! He needs to provide though and pay his share, I'm not the bread winner. That pisses me off that he wastes his money of EVERYTHING! He can't keep his money, I don't understand it! I'm going to talk to him tonight I think and see if he can give me even $20/ week just for me to put away for him, let's see that would be $400 by the time the baby is born and that would help out so much with diapers and such, instead of what he wastes his money on now, it's ridiculous and he needs to quit. I wish there was something I could do or say to get him to do that. but there isn't and even last night with the whole smoking thing, he told me I was preaching to him and that my bad habit is bitching too much. That pissed me off. Sometimes he can be quite rude. but I for sure can too. But it's only because I am the only one actually thinking about the future instead of just throwing money away. I'm the only one being an adult. Anyway, my doc appointment got cancelled for tomorrow and that is just as well. It was a pointless appt anyways regarding my thyroid, so they will just mail me a lab slip, thank you!!! Also on Monday I have a pre-natal appt where I will hopefully get to hear the heartbeat, yay! I can't wait. I mainly can't wait until my April 23rd appt though, right after that I also have my WIC appt so hopefully I can squeeze them both in! We'll see I guess. I now have the cold that everyone else in the world has right now. It's starting to aggrevate me too. I hope it goes away soon, I really enjoy breathing. Nothing else is really going on. I'm swamped at work and our workload is gonna double starting next Monday. Argh. I also have to do the single mother workshop on April 2nd..I'm so not prepared at ALL. I need to look over some things tonight and maybe get to the library too. I am so unprepared. Oh well,I can always fudge it.

waiting for answers

Easter was okay. Lilly and I went to church and what a nightmare that was. I don't know why I even bother. She does not sit still for anything and is starting to really enjoy the tantrum throwing. My cousin Sara was there with her 3 year old and 1 year old and so the girls were getting in to trouble together. It was not fun to say the least. Then they did communion which adds on an extra 20 minutes. We were out the door at the start of the last hymn. Then to my mom's house for lunch. D actually showed up, but again was highly anti-social. Of course later when we went to his house he was super loud. I don't understand why he can't talk to my family. I don't like it. he's too shy. My mom is suspicious of him now and even called asking to make sure I would leave him if he ever hurt me. wtf. I of course would, but he seriously would never hurt a fly. I hate that he is so quiet around them, because it probably makes him out to look like some sort of psychopath or something. yes, our families are complete opposites, but I still talk to his family! I feel like he doesn't like my family and I hate that feeling. Anyway, my mom's meal was delicious and then we had an egg hunt for all the kids which Stacie and I had a great time hiding them all. They seemed to enjoy it and I'm sure my mom will randomly be finding eggs throughout the course of the year. L enjoyed her easter basket from the easter bunny. It took her forever to notice it sitting behind the chair but when she found it she was pretty shocked and happily took everything out of the basket. She loves jelly beans too I've found out. So today is my appt to find out what I'm eligible for assistance-wise. I'm nervous only because I know already that they are going to make me file for child support from np. That scares me so much. I had a horrible nightmare last night that he tried to kidnap L. I woke up sweating to death. I am so scared about filing, but at the same time I know in my heart that it is what needs to be done. Not for me, but for L and her future. It's just so frusterating, but I will get over it. Once it's done I will feel better I think. L calls me mommy-daddy. It's so sad and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I will say, no I'm just mommy. Then she said, Carter's daddy ( a kid at day care) and I said, oh Carter has a daddy? and she said Uh -huh. and I said, and you just have a mommy don't you!? and she said, uh'huh. Then said, Mommy-D(dbf's name). I hope she isn't insecure because she doesn't have a daddy. I want to be up front with her and be honest with her. Just probably not at the age of 2. Who knows. No matter what we do we seem to always feel like we are messing our kids up I think. Work wants me to put together a workshop on surviving single motherhood. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do or say at this workshop, I need to start researching and getting material together because they want to start it April 1st! yikes. I have no clue what kind of things to do in this workshop!!! I'm sure I will end up quitting the workshop idea, I suck at public speaking. I will try it out, but I have a feeling it will be awful. I am now looking at mobile homes. There is a park in my city that is very very nice! I love it! We looked at a couple this weekend and one was a 2 bedroom, but had it been 3 I would have bought it right then. I really need 3 bedrooms. But wow, it was beautiful! I am going to check out a couple 3 bedroom homes tomorrow in the same area. I am excited because I could totally see my family living in that place. It's clean, it doesn't look like your "typical" trailor park. There are also normal houses in there too. So hopefully this will work out. Especially since it's way cheaper than an actual house. there is lot rent, which kinda sucks, but it's only about $280/month which isn't too bad. I hope this works out! My mom even likes them too which is nice because her opinion is big for me. Lots of things are changing in my life, not sure if I'm ready!

Naptime

I'm tired and I'm at work. It's very annoying that I have to be at work today. I haven't worked on Good Friday in the past 3 years but this year they decided that we get to work today. I really am hating working here, I don't see me lasting all that much longer. I forgot my purse this morning too. I went to McDonalds this am before work and ordered my food and then got up to the window and had to tell them that I had to cancel :( that sucked. D came over last night and we talked a little bit. Things seem to be going a bit better in that department. I still wouldn't sleep with him though. He was begging for me to practically but I said no. I just don't have that drive anymore I guess. It happens when pregnant Get used to it! I just was so tired. Lately after I get Lilly to sleep all I want to do is sleep myself. D has today off work. I wonder if he's at my house..I kind of regret giving him a key. I don't like him there when I'm not there. I have no idea why. I think it's because I'm stuck at work and he gets to be there where he's not even paying the rent, electricity or nothing. I just get worked up about that type of thing and money. I shouldn't but I do because of the stupid X. I hate him so much. He has fucked me up royally and really is making it hard for me to have a solid relationship again. it sucks. Maybe one day i'll get over it, who knows. I'm going to look at that house tomorrow, I can't wait. I really would love a house to call my own and somewhere to call HOME. I haven't been able to do that in almost 10 years..yikes. I feel kinda homey in my apartment now but it's too small! it's tiny! My room is jam packed with stuff, it's not even like a room in there. I hate it. L's room is perfect and the living room is too crowded and kitchen is just annoying. I HATE the bathroom and everything about it. My Easter plans are pretty boring. I am going to take L to church Sunday morning and then my mom is having people over for breakfast after that. That's it. I got L a little basket and will put some candy in it and a little care bear doll thing. I want to get her something else yet but haven't decided what. Maybe a movie? or some sort of toy. She is terrified of the Easter Bunny though, had a nightmare about him and everything. So i don't think I'll be telling her that the Easter Bunny is coming to our house. Poor L is at daycare today when the place is so empty! It's deserted because most parents have the day off today. Not me! My mom is hopefully going to be picking up L this evening from school then I don't have to worry about it. That is always nice. I'm SO tired. Still 2 hours left of work, I have no idea how I'm going to get by. I need a nap so badly. It's not fair that I'm stuck here. I'm looking at slings now too for the baby. I think that would be a neat thing to have, although they are like $55 just the ones that I seen. Ugh. That's too pricey for my blood, but I do really want one! I think it would be helpful. And I still want to do the cloth diapering thing too. and glass bottles! Wow I really don't have much to talk about. I feel like there is a lot going on in my head though. Next week I have appointments on Tuesday and Thursday. I made it to the bank yesterday so I got Tuesdays appointment all taken care of phew. I've been thinking a bit about baby names. The only input D has given was the name Michael Jordan, and he was only kidding. So poo on him. I like Henry for a boy and Cecelia for a girl. :) We'll see if I get my way. There was a couple that I liked for boys, but for girls that is really the only name I like right now. who knows though. Well, not much else to say right now, I'm sure come monday I will have more stuff to say, I hope. Until next time.

Stuff I hate

So my wonderful employer just informed us that we will now be staying open until 5pm, instead of 4:30. What a pain in the ass!! So starting March 31st my new hours will be 8-5! I'm outraged. This is such short notice and a bunch of bull shit. They told me when I first got hired in that for safety reasons they only stay open until 4:30, since it gets so dark in the winter and I work in the ghetto, they wanted us out at 4:30 for safety. Now they aren't even giving us that!!! I hate my place of employment so so so so so much. I want out! I can't wait until I'm off on maternity leave and can search my brain out for a better paying, closer to home, safer, warmer, better office morale, job!! This job is the epitome of shit. Anyway, enough about that. If I talk anymore on it I will have an aneurism. I got maternity clothes! Yay! My mom took me to Target and we found 2 pair of pants, a dress, 2 shirts and a pair of shoes for about $100. I had bought 2 shirts and 2 pair of pants the day prior at younkers for $150, but then returned them yesterday. Good thing! I'm finally comfortable at work and someone even commented already about my baby belly, I guess it's obvious now. I still want to take a picture of myself at some point. D and I still haven't talked. His stupid phone is still shut off and yesterday he said he would call me and he never did. I miss him. I hate that he's broke all the time though. I know why he's broke and I hate that even more. He needs to quit doing stupid things and be a man and start saving money for this baby! I mean, he's already got a kid so he knows how expensive they are. Do the math! Stop being dumb. I would never tell him he's dumb to his face, but he really is being dumb. I can't stand being around him when he's like that. I wonder what he's been doing these past few days. I haven't had time to even breathe, I've been on a wild goose chase after work to try and find maternity clothes. Want to know all the stores that don't carry them that I have inquired at? Wal-Mart, Sears, JCPennys, Old Navy, KMart, Meijer. I mean, you can get them online but not at the actual store..whoop de freakin do, Maternity clothes fit all screwy and you need to try them on to know if they fit, so buying online is no option. It was really frusterating, but target must of gotten a shipment in because they finally had my size! yay! I am going to look at a house for the second time! I'm kinda excited about it too! My mom and I drove by it yesterday and she really liked it too!! SO that is good because I need her approval. We are going to check out the inside of the house again on Saturday morning and I can't wait. Maybe this will be my new residence? I hope so! It's cute! and really close to the water which is something else I love! We'll see I guess! Usually if my mom doesn't like something then I don't do it, so I was happy she liked it. I hope she likes the inside too. It's got a little sunken floor at one part. D said he could fix that, but i need to know what caused it. Oh I got a letter back in the mail from DHS and they made me an appointment for 3.25 so I will get interviewd and have to bring in a shitload of paperwork and then they will tell me what I am eligible for, in regards to assistance with Day Care! I hope I am eligible for something! I would be so grateful! I love that the government has that there for people that actually need it and are actually working..of course it's there for the people that don't work too and is that much easier for them to get and that part I do not condone, but whatever. I need it and I pay a shitload of taxes so I'm going to use it!!! I just hope I'm eligible, I would cry if I wasn't, because that would mean that basically I will have to quit my job so that I can live, because quite frankly I would not work so that I can pay $1000 to day care per month and then have next to nothing left, how would i pay my mortgage and my bills..ummm exactly. Can we say downsizing America! Ugh. I would probably not feel as strongly as I do about this if it wasn't for where I work. I see how UNgrateful so many are..at least 90% of the people in this area..maybe even 95%. It's a sick sad world. So I have that appointment so I need to scramble and try and dig around for all this paperwork I need to take to it. Then in the meantime 2 days later i have a Dr appt. which I need blood drawn before I go to it. so i need to fit that in somewhere too. I feel overwhelmed. I'm so sick about having to work until 5pm now..big fucking deal that I will have an hour lunch hour now, it's not as though I live close by and can drive home and take a nap or something. I hate this place. Until next time.

baby steps

There are a couple things I want to do differently this time around with the new baby. Not too much, but one that I have just started researching is cloth diapering. I'm very excited about it and have gotten a ton of excellent information regarding it off of my baby board. I don't have a washer/dryer right now, but if I am living somewhere(and I intend to be) that has one I will for sure be doing this. I still have to buy a few, I'm only going to buy a few to start out with just incase it doesn't work out for me, but I'm so geeked up about this. Who knew that diapers would be exciting, I sure as heck didn't. I just know how horrible the environment is from diapers, not to mention plastic bags, baby steps. I also just learned about cloth pads for women too! How cool! I am not going to research this until I'm a pro with cloth diapering though first. My biggest concern with cd'ing is the folding, I am not good at that kind of stuff so I think I'll be practicing on a doll for a while before I can get it down. I think they have something called pre-folds which sounds awesome, then something else called snappis where it means that you do not need to use pins..I sound like such a beginner and am hoping that one day this will all be a part of my vocab and that I actually know what I'm talking about, haha. Another concern I have is the washing. I think what you have to do though is rinse them in cold right away after a poopie diaper, and then wash like normal on hot water? I will read more about this but right now that is what I think I could do. I also need to check with daycare to see if they even allow cloth diapers. If not then I will have to send disposables for school and cloth for at home. Something different to try and probably so much more comfortable for baby. I think they make flushable liners also that way the diaper won't get too stained! I can't wait to try these!!! Another thing that I'm switching to is glass bottles. I detest the plastic ones and I got a news article forwarded to me from Stacie that they are marketting glass bottles now too!! How exciting! I still wish they would do bottled water in glass too. How terrible for our environment not too, not to mention all the cancer causing agents. blah. hmm maybe I am turning green? It starts to rub off after a while I think. I hope my town carries glass bottles because I really want them! I think those are the 2 major changes that I want to do this time. Not too bad! Other things that I need to buy yet: 1. Sling for my baby- I have no idea and need to research these 2. breast pump - my co-worker offered hers for me to use, not sure what I will do yet. 3. hmm I can't think of anything else right now! So that's it I guess. I am starting to get more excited about this baby!! I think it's because I am not so constantly sick - I am starting to get a wee bit more energy and I can really feel it kicking and we are bonding already! Not to mention the daddy this time is actually involved, I think the whole L&D experience is going to be so much nicer too because the dad will actually be there! and be in our lives! Right now D and I still aren't on good terms. I feel terrible because I'm being a total bitch. Why do i have to be that way? I hate that I'm so stubborn and just do not budge, I wish there was a way to change it, but for some reason it's just how I am. Yesterday he came over and was blocking me from going to the living room from the kitchen. I got so angry with him! I know it's because Np used to baracade me in my room all the time and would'nt let me leave - dumb ass. It brought back flashbacks. sigh..they seem to have more in common than I thought. Even though what D was doing was totally innocent and he was just playing around, it still pissed me off and he has no idea why. I am not an open person and don't usually care for telling sob stories or talking about the past. It just brings up ugly memories and makes you feel the pain that much more in your heart. I bury things..deep deep down. I need to talk to D but his phone has been shut off so i have no way to contact him right now. I just wish I could say I am sorry and that I love him, but then when I see him I get stubborn again and really quiet. I don't think I can even fathom the idea of him even loving me and I just keep waiting for something to happen where he will leave and be just like the rest. He always tells me that he's not my ex, and I know that to a degree but it still is scarey and it still makes me think. I've been hurt before and he needs to realize that it really hasn't been that long ago and I still have to think about it. blah. I wish I didn't have to but I do. I wish D and I were more compatible than what we are. We can make it work but we are such opposites. I really hope we can make it work, I want to try more than anything right now. I am just so scared. Only the future knows for sure. Hopefully my hormones don't get too screwy as the months go on, hopefully they start to stabalize soon. If not, I fear I will only let myself down in the long run. Until next time.

Jumbled thoughts

Well, telling my dad was much easier then everyone else, which I was quite surprised by. My brother is actually the one who told him initially because I had asked him to. I was too scared to do it myself so I made my brother do it. Then my dad called several minutes later and said, Congratulations! I was in shock and said i was surprised, he said, if this one is anything like L then I have no reason not to be happy. Awe, THAT is what I've been waiting to hear. THAT is the kind of things I NEED to hear. THAT was perfect and I am so glad that someone can fudge it for me, even if it's not what they are thinking..just make something up for the mere fact that I may not be handeling it well and need to hear some positive things. All my family seems to do is state the negatives and tell me how very hard this is going to be and how sorry they feel for me, yada yada yada, I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT! I understand that they are probably correct, but it's not a burden to have a baby, it's a blessing, and It will be as great or as miserable as you make it. Of course if people are telling you how hard it's going to be and poor you, then of course you probably will make it hard and it will be tough. But how about we go at it with a positive approach for once. My mom NEVER does this. No matter what. When I lived with her last time it was constant negativity. If I did my best to clean the kitchen that day, she would bitch that I didn't do the laundry. I just don't need her in my life every. damn. day. I can not move back in with this woman. Just the thought of it is already making me cringe and making my brain hurt and I'm not even back with her!! It's just thinking of being back with her. That can't be good. Yes, it would be helpful to have her there when the baby was sick or in the middle of the night, but is it worth it. NO! It's not!!! I have to remember this and I CAN NOT move back in with that bitch. I love my mom, but these past few years have really made her cold as ice and I will never have my old mom back. Don't forget this! Then on top of that, Stacie keeps telling things to me like, you need to save your money, you need to stop taking the easy way out of stuff, blah blah..wtf? I don't understand where she gets off lecturing me!! But whatever. I think she is trying to do it in my best interest, but really it's just pissing me off. Sometimes I think she likes to do that though. Piss me off that is. Why? I have no idea!!! That's not what a friend is for. Maybe she really is naive and is just saying this stuff because from the outside that is what it looks like to her? If she only knew how it really was. If she only knew. I need maternity clothes. None of my pants fit, and I'm sitting at work with them unbuttoned and bulging out of my clothes, this is the most uncomfortable I've ever been. I really need to get to the store, any store, and just buy a couple pair of pants. Of course work colleauges have said they would give me some of their old clothes but have I seen any yet, of course NOT! I have been putting off buying things because of their promises, but by the time I get these "clothes" they've promised I will be bursting the seems. I guarantee if I bent over right now they would rip. Now on to D. We haven't spoken since yesterday morning at 9:30. He walked out without saying good bye and we haven't talked since. WTF!? He doesn't help me out at all and when I call him out on it he gets mad at me. Oh and the classic was Saturday night when L smushed blueberries all inthe carpet and all he said was, you might want to clean your carpet. Well 2 hours prior he was calling it our bedroom and now all of a sudden it's my carpet. So I said, you know you can help me out once in a while. His reply? You won't let me discipline L so that's why she did that so you can clean it up. I swear to God the guy shifts the blame to me each and every time something doesn't go right. I'm SICK of it!! I will not put up with that. I dealt with that with the np and I will not be with someone that shifts the blame and can't man up to their own inadaquacies. It pisses me off and he can grow the fuck up. Be a man. Be responsible and help your pregnant girlfriend out once in a while PLEASE! I did this on my own last time and it has been nice having him around when I'm not pissed at him. He will help when he feels like it, like taking out the garbage or unloading things out of my car, which is more than I had last pregnancy so whatever I can get I will take. But I'm hormonal and things piss me off, especially his immaturity. He acts like such a baby sometimes. GROW UP! ok I'm done and I won't say it again(in this post, he he). L is being a PITA about going to sleep lately. What is that about? Last night she was scared of the nail hole in the wall and kept screaming "Bug". It's hard to explain to a 2 year old what a "hole in the wall" is. She screamed and wailed because she wanted her mama in her room at all times, I'm not allowed to leave anymore, it's discouraging to say the least. I'm used to her going to bed with no problems and now all of a sudden she has these insecurities..what from I wonder? I'm so confused. I hope it's nothing I did. It has literally taken me an hour to get her to sleep for the past 2 weeks. Maybe she is testing her boundries? I try and be stern but that makes her cry harder. Last night I was screaming at her because I got so frusterated and it didn't even phase her. She thinks when I scream that it's funny. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. I now understand why they have the supernanny shows and all the call-in radio listeners that are at losses with disciplining their children because I am now one of them. But this whole sleep issue..it's insane and I wish I knew how to fix it. I feel like I'm here today but yet not here. Make sense? I wish this life was all a dream though. Sitting here in my cubicle is really disheartening and makes me want to walk out and keep on going until I reach..anywhere? Until next time.

Yes, I'm having a baby

Why are people's reaction to my news always shock? I guess in a way I understand, but I haven't had anyone IRL be excited yet. It's as if the baby doesn't exist. They better watch out because in 6 short months this baby will be very real. I told my aunt and all she said was, what the hell were you thinking? I mean, after the initial shock then I hear words of support, etc. But initially it's very frusterating because it's not as though I can reverse it, it's not as though I can say, Just kidding. What do you want from me? I'm pregnant. It's not going to change, so let it go. No one even realizes that maybe this is something that I wanted! They all say, poor you, what are you going to do? We will be there for you no matter what. Somehow I don't believe that because I rarely get help with L, even though I so desperately want and need it. I'm just the type that doesn't ask for it, but omg I would kill for a couple hours to myself every night, or a a night away or ANYTHING. My mom helps when she can or when I ask her and it works out perfectly for her. But never has she once said, here let me do that, you go do that. Well you know what I mean. It always has to be under her terms and always to her advantage, which therefore usually ends up making me late for something, or having to constantly worry about L. When I went out last summer for the evening she even texted me to tell me that L wasn't sleeping and she needed me to come home. So much for a night out. I just don't seem to ever catch a break. I'm sure that's not true because I know there are some good things. But lately I'm just seeing and remembering the negative. My mom wants me to move in with her, but how can i do that. Just today she suggested that I give the baby up for adoption!? I mean, what the fuck? I'm not 15 years old without a clue how to take care of a baby, I'm a 26 year old that is a grown woman that already has one kid!!!! I just don't understand people. Not to mention all of the other hurtful words I have heard in the past from this woman. I just can not fathom having to hear any more, and living with her would definitley stir the pot again. I've made up my mind. I'm not doing it. I refuse. I will get a second job before I do that. Oh man I'm really setting myself up here, I have a feeling I will end up back there..even though I really dread it. It might need to happen for a few months. 12 at the most. I haven't told my dad yet. He will probably take it better than my mom, but since my mom's reaction, I fear everyone elses. I just don't want or need to hear the negativity. We'll see I guess. It's not as though it's something to be proud of. I'm having a baby with a different guy than the last guy I had a baby with and we are unmarried and pretty broke. Not as though I don't have a reason to be terrified of reactions,. and I suppose good reason to why people react the way that they do..I just wish they would have some respect. I'm a hormonal pregnant woman who needs SUPPORT please! My only support network is my online friends, and that is not bad at all, it helps me out so much, but then to hear the IRL friends and familys comments..makes me wonder if the online friends are just saying the nice things to be, I dunno, nice? They can hide behind their computer with their comments, or use the delete key on their comments. I don't know. It's tough. It's tough not having a close knit family. I'm glad I am giving L a sibling. I hope they are close. I am happy for having this baby, even if no one else is. I'm going to be the best mom that I can be even though I will be working for their whole lives. Maybe one day things will fall together better but until then, this is what I'm faced with and I must do it with a smile on my face and a postitive attitude. My family is SO much different from me. They all are upper high class people that care what other people think and rely entirely too much on this. I was always the one that didn't care what people thought and kinda went in a different direction. I guess I am the black sheep now of the family. Even our old black sheep in the family didn't have 2 kids by 2 different guys! She just did drugs and had two kids with her fiances cousin. So I guess maybe we are similar, I should look her up. I do not use drugs though so that is somewhere we would differ. People always referenced her as "black sheep" of the family though. Kind of like on my dad's side of the family there is a "gay cousin". Fuck, it's rough to be different. Until next time.

Where am I?

I never thought in a million years that this is where I'd be when age 26. I always imagined myself married for sure, and in my younger years I imagined myself in a big house with a big pool and a tall dark and handsome husband and then for sure living in California, perhaps right on the beach or at least near it. Why is it that we have such big dreams for ourselves and yet never accomplish them? Constantly wishing away our lives for what?? My dad said he is going to be moving to CA, I could technically move out there with him, and I most likely would. But why why why didn't I go it alone back when I was 18? I will never know. I was a chicken shit I guess. and now look. I'm stuck here in Michigan that I HATE! I know my family is here and that is great, but I honestly do not see them entirely that much. They have their own lives going on and their own adventures. They have the lives going that I wish I had. Why did everyone else get the good life, did I miss the boat? ok ok I realize that sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but so what, this is a blog and that's what it is for. I have this shitty job that I absolutely hate but took it since my parents were breathing down my neck to find a job with health insurance after college, it's like, all they cared about was health insurance...i didn't get it, but I did what they said because I know no difference. My parents are still the voices in my head, mainly my mom, but occasionally dad pops in too. My mom has had these control issues her whole life and pretty much dictates my life out for me. I hate this. and on more than one occasion I have hated my mother. What a horrible thing to say, but truth be known. She is cold as ice. Other times she is fantastic and we can laugh and have a great time together, but that is few and far between. She is in my life a lot because of my daughter. Her and L have a fabulous relationship and that little girl is my mom's entire life. My mom has even commented that had she not been around she would have killed herself after my dad left her. Which is heavy, but I mainly try to brush off statements like that from her. She wants my attention and I believe that is all she was doing. Anyway, so I took this shitty job and have now been stuck here for years and I'm so sick of it. My life was not supposed to be me sitting in a cubicle, following orders from a boss and dealing with nasty clients and co-workers. I am more of a free spirit and wish i could be writing a book or dancing, or some other job that is free-thinking, not cooped up in the coldest office ever. I literally sit here with my big fur coat on and freeze to death daily. I hate the weather in Michigan, always have. There again. What the fuck am I still doing here. I am not blaming either pregnancy on my permanent residence either because I could have left so so so many times pre-kids but still never did. I told L that she is going to UCLA. No, I mustn't dictate her life, she can choose to go anywhere she chooses. My luck she will end up in community college in MI! I must move before we get to that point! My friends are also in MI so yet another thing to take in to consideration. Stacie is very much a huge part of my life, she's helped me out so much and pretty much has been the only constant in my life since I had L. All of my other friends scattered or were associated with L's NP so I cut them out of my life. Rightfully so I might add. Who wants to be friends with someone that is now better friends with your ex than with you?? that is just fucked up. I can see if ex and I remained friends, but he was an abusive prick. Maybe my father moving to CA would be my ticket out of here, but I can not rely on that for sure happening. We'll see. Before finding out we were prego, D wanted me to move to AL with him to stay in his uncles' house til we found jobs. I was all for it. However, when it comes down to it, I just don't think I would have gone. I need to get some guts. no guts. no glory. right? Anyway, now that I'm pregnant we for sure can't move because I need the health insurance, LOL. It all comes back to health insurance. But it's true. I need it to pay for labor and delivery. D did not care at all that we were staying in MI. He is a mover though and would go anywhere the wind blew. That is one thing I do like about the guy. he is the most easygoing person I know. I honeslty hope that this child has his personality. My hands are frozen so I must end for now. Until next time.

My thoughts for today

I haven't done the blog thing...ever. So if this is very choppy, random, then I am sorry, but it's mainly for myself to help me through a shit ton of shit that is going on these days and I honestly have no outlet except to my 2 year old daughter, who, let's face it, is not going to sit and have a serious conversation with me. Anyway, I get up each day, I go to work, and I come home, my life is so very monotonous and this is NOT where I pictured myself at this stage in life. I feel so stuck in a rut..stuck being the emphasized word. I literally can not leave my job, what would I do then? Where would I go? How would I pay bills? It's more complicated now because I am 3 months pregnant with my boyfriend of all of 5 months. We didn't exactly plan this, in fact, the whole first 2 months I cried because I just could not accept the fact that I was going to have L and now another. I can barely handle L on my own. I am going to have to wake up at 5am just to have adequate time in the am to get them both ready for daycare and then me ready for work, then hauling them both to the car and AHH I just hate the fact that I am doing this on my own. Don't get me wrong, D is great, but he does not help me at all with L, why would he? It's not his kid. Sometimes he does help, but he goes to work at 5:30AM so it's not as though he's going to be with me in the am to help. I have told him to back off when it comes to disciplining L because I am very selfish and want to do things my way, not to mention I don't really discipline her at all. I don't let her get away with stuff that is dangerous, but other than that I'm pretty laid back. He wants to constantly punish her for stupid little things that I don't think are worth getting worked up over(like playing with the tampons in the bathroom cupboard, who cares? let her play with them, it's not like she does it everyday, just one or two times ever). anyway, then when he tells her to go to time out, I usuallly always butt in and say, no don't make her do that, she's only 2. So I already see us butting heads with the new baby. He has already said that he's going to do the punishing for this kid..ughhh..i just want to scream. I don't know why he likes to pick fights with me, especially when I'm 3 months prego and very hormonal. emotional. it's like he gets off on it or something and it irks me. Long story short, who knows how long we are going to last, we already act like a freaking miserable married couple. He wants to stay at my apartment every. single. night. and that drives me freaking insane. First of all, he leaves messes and I end up cleaning up after him or bitching to him about it until he does it..he still, I swear to God, hasn't emptied the trash in my bedroom that I asked him to empty over a week ago. I don't want a trash can in my bedroom, I never had one before. Yet he feels the need not to listen to me and still put garbage in there. I get so pissed. I have crumbs in my bed because he set up his computer next to the bed so he sits on that and plays his stupid games(either world of warcraft, everquest, or whatever other dumb one he can come up with). That's a whole other post though because seriously. I am in the other room dealing with my 2 year old and he's in there playing games?!! I bitch seriously every time he does it, but he keeps doing it and I just can't take it! What is it going to be like with this kid. He has a daughter himself who is 5 and she comes for visits every other weekend..it drives me nuts that all he does is watch tv or play video games and he calls that playing with his daughter. I dunno. I just don't know. I must be crazy but I'm having a child with this person. When I type it all out I realize just how frusterated I really am with him, and I'm not sure I can take it. He is always mentioning marriage but HELLO? How can I possibly marry you. dumbass. Wow this feels better already. So back to the topic of daycare, another thing bugging the crap out of me. How in God's name am I supposed to pay for day care once this new baby comes? I mean, I pay $600 PER month right now for 1 child in day care..it's going to go up to about $1000/month for 2 in daycare. I mean, that is more than HALF of what I take home each month, there is no way I will ever be able to do that. I guess D will be helping with some - I have to remember that. But he makes way less than I do, so I figure I will get about 60/month from him for c.s. we'll see I guess. Do you think I am overreating about my situation with D. I mean, he is a good decent guy, should I keep trying with him? I just don't know what to do. I am so afraid of being alone again. L's NP didn't stick around too long after she was born. She was 2 months old the last time we saw him. Deadbeat loser. I hope that I didn't pick another one..I know for a fact he is NOT a deadbeat since he is a good father to his daughter and provides for her...but...maybe he isn't an all-star dad like I would LOVE for one of my children to have. I need someone that is going to meet me half way and be superdad and just have fun with. I know that is NOT D. Sigh...I think this is going downwardsville. I wish I would have ended things before getting pregnant, and abortion is not an option. I mean, don't get me wrong, when I first found out I was pregnant I did take the abortion road, but I quickly realized that as the person I am I could never terminate this baby..it breaks my heart to think that I ever had that thought. I just want my children to have the normal childhood like I had, and I don't see that happening any time soon..I guess I'm a loser magnet. My parents must be so proud. Oh back to the money thing...what am I going to do??? Plus health insurance for all of us.!? WTF!? Maybe I will try applying for Gov't assistance. If that doesn't work then I'm afraid I will have to quit my job and get on Gov't assistance...not something to be proud of but it's what I would have to do unfortunately the way the US is set up right now, they make things like a walk in the park for the poor. and then for the low-middle income they make it IMPOSSIBLE to get or do anything. It gives me a headache so I guess I will stop thinking about it. I feel like I am setteling with D and that is probably bad eh? And then now I'm thinking I will move back in with my mom, and oh man, that is a backstory in itself so I won't get in to it, but UGH that would and will be a nightmare. I guess I will end this post now because I could so keep going and going, it's really helping me get things off my chest. Until next time.