it's hard

I am going back to my house today. I've been staying with my mom the past few days and now I know why I moved out of there in the first place. It's hard living with her. So today we are going to go back. D doesn't have keyes to my deadbolt locks so I'm just going to make sure that those are locked and I will feel safe and secure. I finally talked to him yesterday. He's feeling very remorseful. In fact, some text messeges I got say things like, I will do anything , I love you, I'm sorry, I'm scared I'm going to lose you, I need you, blah blah blah. It pains my heart to read these messeges and if it was 5 years ago and if I didn't have children, I probably would have went right back to him. But I've wisened up and there is no way in hell I am getting myself in to that kind of situation again. The next time something like this happened it could have been way worse. I can't put L in this type of environment. I can't trust this guy now with anything, let alone my little girl. Why in the world would I let him back in to the house. On the other hand though, I miss him. I miss it. I ache. But I know it's for the best, so I am being strong. I took J to his aunt's house last night so that he could see her, we stayed an hour and it was fine. He is back to normal and no more crazed look in his eyes. I told him that maybe in time we could do some counseling together, but right now that is not going to happen. I'm not going to sugarcoat how I feel, and I'm not going to be a bitch either. I just want him aware of whats going on. I do not feel as threatened with him as I did with ex Chris. I think because this was soooo out of the norm for him to snap like this. It wasn't like this was always how he was. And I know he feels really bad about it. I guess it is time to wait and see what his next move is. Right now though, I am staying alone and not intending to go back to him for a long long time and possibly forever if he doesn't do anything to change his actions, ie, counseling. I can't go back to that without some sort of change. I'm really not okay with the situation yet it still hasn't completley settled in. I'm feeling very vulnerable and so scared. I hate this limbo stage. I just want to go home.

the break up

We broke up. And it's final. I don't even know where to begin, but it happened yesterday. I'm sure no one will be really surprised about this fact. It ended badly to say the least and I want to try and get it all out of my head so that it's all documented. The other day he was being kinda mean to L and so I said something to him about it and we got in to a pretty huge fight about it actually. Then he apologized on Friday and said he would be nicer to L and try hard to make me happy. So then Saturday was a lovely day and we just had a really nice day. Sunday I woke up and L came to my bed like usual, nothing out of the ordinary. but D got really upset and told her she can go to her room or go to bed. So she said, D is mean, he's not my friend anymore. So D said, then don't fucking talk to me. So I got upset, OBVIOUSLY. Then he went outside to smoke so I sat down to watch TV. He came back in and sat down and turned his xbox on and started to play. So I said I was watching tv. and he said something like, well if L can break the rules and do whatever she wants in this house then so can i. He doesn't like L in our bedroom, but the rule was only if we weren't in there, so I have no idea why he got all pissy. So anyway, I said, well this kinda shows me that maybe we need to take a break from eachother. and he said, no you just need to start discipling L more and start listening to the one request I've ever had, which was not to let her in our room. Ok, my house is small to begin with, if I had a mansion or something then I could totally see applying that rule, and secondly, she is 3 years old, she is still a baby and if she wants to be in my room with me then who cares? So I went in to J's room to nurse her and d came in and started talking to me like everything was fine. So I said, I meant what I said, I think we need to take a break from eachother. and he's like, yeah well that's what britney told me too(his ex wife) and then she cheated on me. then he was like, if I leave I'm taking J with me. There is no way in hell you are going to do to me what britney did to me. Then he said he was going to take J and move to alabama. Then he slammed the door and started punching the wall, when he walked out he slammed the door then I heard another crash and L started screaming. So I went out there and he was putting her on her bed telling her to go to be(it was 10am). So I am not sure if he pushed her or what happened since I wasn't out there to witness it. She says he pushed her though. But says it was by J's door, so I'm thinking she meant when he slammed the door in her face(not hurting her). So I went to my room next, all the while holding j. Although he did grab her a couple times but then just kept giving her back to me to feed her, change her, soothe her. I went to my room, put my coat on and put my i-pod in my coat pocket. When I came outta my room he said, good luck leaving, I have your phone and keys. He whipped my keys outside but then went back and got them and then put both my phone and keys in a lock box. He then said you think I'm a dickhead, I'll show you dickhead. YOu are not leaving and not even going to work tomorrow. L comes back out so he takes her back to bed yet again. So i go in her room to console her. He had J so I hurry up and take my i-pod out and jump on myspace, we luckily have wireless in the house. I messaged my brother and all it said was, get mom here now. He lives in NC. It was only 10:30 by this point and I know my bro sleeps in late, but I didn't know who else to messege. He came back to L's room and told me to come out to the living room and keep L in her room by herself. he had this crazy ass look in his eyes, it was so scarey. At this point I got calm and kept trying to get him to talk to me, and telling him stuff like, ya know this is definitly not the way to keep me around, if anything it's just going to push me away. He went out to smoke again so I went back to l's room and sent a message on myspace to my dad's gf saying the same thing in hopes she would check it. At around 12 D says he's sorry and that we should start over, so I asked for my things and he still said no. My mom got there about 12:10. I was just like thank God! She said, my brother had called her. He later told me that he was not going to check myspace cause he was going househunting that morning, but decided to check it because he needed to go online to get some directions. Lucky me, huh? So she tried talking to D but he just kept saying that he'd prefer not to talk to her. Then he said I was not taking J with me. So he went in the bedroom, got my phone and keys and told me he'd switch me for the baby. I said no. So he set the keys and phone on the table and I grabbed them. All the while holding J. So my mom said finally, after calling my cousin who is a policeman, that we should just go. So she got J's carseat we put her in and just left. He didn't try to physically stop us thank God. The whole thing could have been much worse. I have lots of work to do so I can't really finish my story. Bottom line is though that I will not be getting back with him in the near future and if he ever wishes to get back with me he needs counseling and anger management. I ended up filling out a police report because of his threats to take J out of state, not to mention that taking a person's cell phone and keys is a felony. But I did not press charges. The policeman I talked to had him come down for questioning and he confessed to it all and admitted he had anger problems. The policeman was about to let him go when he noticed there was a warrant out for his arrest, so they took him in. HE didn't even know he had a warrant, it was for child support of his daughter. His cousin came up with the $500 bail, and D gave his cousin his xbox for the money. I'll continue later, but that is the jist of this story. Yuck. I'm not okay, but I know in time I will try. Here is to a fresh new start.

weekend recap

Well, I had my surgery on Friday. It went well. I got there at 6:30, they gave me some anti-nausea medicine. Then they gave me my IV. They wheeled me in to the operating room around 7:50AM and put a mask over my face, which I thought was just oxygen. Then they started strapping my wrists down and I looked over and that is the last thing I remember, the next thing I knew I woke up to the nurse saying it was all over...I had never had surgery before so it was all kinda a blur. I mean, I had my wisdom teeth pulled before but that was nothing like this! They lazered my cervix and took some biopsies so I will be getting the results back this week! The after was not as cool as I expected. The plan was for my dad to take L all weekend and then I was going to stay at my mom's house with J and my mom was going to take care of J and spoil me. Didn't really go like that. But oh well. I got to my mom's house after the surgery and slept for about 4 hours so that was nice. L and J were still at daycare. My dad picked L up and did end up taking her for the weekend. But D had A so I was still around everyone. I only stayed at my mom's house til Saturday. I wasn't comfortable sleeping at her house, so that was disappointing. My friend Bridget ended up coming up to see me at my moms' house and stayed the weekend with me. It was last minute and I couldn't really relax the way I anticipated because I felt like I needed to entertain her. D and I started fighting pretty much as soon as I got home on Saturday. Which, he didn't seem to notice, but, was Valentine's Day. The house smelled like smoke so I asked him if he smoked in the house while I was gone and he of course said no. Well, I go to the bathroom and find that he transferred the air purifier in to the bathroom. I called him in there and said, why did you lie about smoking in the house? So of course he flew off the handle and started bitching to me about bitching to him all the time. OH and he still denied smoking in the house. Then I went to L's room and it smelled so bad like poop in there. Well, it ended up being her toilet and A had clogged it! It reeked so bad! So my friend Bridget ended up cleaning the bathroom for me because she said I didn't have time. How embarrassing, so I ended up giving her $20 for gas money to get back home for cleaning the bathroom. I really hate living with D. He pretty much makes me life miserable and right now I honestly feel trapped. I never did end up getting anything for Valentine's Day and I could have cried. I gave him a card at least. So I went shopping and spent a lot of money on my kids. Then Bridget and I went to dinner. What a romantic V-day it turned out to be! NOT! Sunday was no better. Surprise Suprise that A was in town. We fight every single time she is in town!!! So every other weekend. I don't get it and I can't decide if it's me or him. So anyway, Sunday I had J in the bedroom, yeah, I ended up taking care of J all weekend with no break. The only time I got to sleep was when she was still at daycare on Friday. typical I suppose. I had really bad cramps while recovering but no one seemed to care or even offer assistance, so I will whine here about that! Anyway, then Sunday I had J in bed and she was crying, nothing was soothing her. So D came in and asked what I did to her. So I said shut up and he said, don't tell me to shut up and he slammed the bathroom door! So then later he asked if I was still being crabby and I said yeah, and he asked why and I said because you are being a dick to me. And he asked how he's being a dick and I mentioned how he came in the bedroom and asked what I did to J and he said he never said that!!! ugh. How stupid! Of course as soon as A got picked up on Sunday everything went back to normal. How can a 6 year old put our relationship on ice every single time her presence is around! I just do not get it! It's almost like D changes when she is around, I guess that could be possible? Or I just put out bad vibes when she is around? Who knows. We do fight entirely too much though. He always makes up for our fights though. I actually caught him folding laundry yesterday which was the first time I ever witnessed him doing that! He's been super nice now the past couple days. Maybe he feels guilty or bad? But he wouldn't tell me if he did. The guy can not communicate. I sometimes feel trapped with him.

Pipes do freeze

Okay, breathing is very important. I feel like I don't have time to do that anymore though. Between work and home, I am very stressed. We've had about 8 people quit in the past couple months so my caseload has tripled in size and I'm overworked and underpaid. Still searching for something else, but in the meantime I am here and very busy. Our system is down right now though so I thought I would find time to come type some feelings out since I can't work. Home has been pretty nuts. D lost his job. Got laid off. My dad is the one that had to do it. Our economy sucks. I don't think there is any dispute about that. So now I'm the only one working and that is a PITA. He filed for unemployment but he won't know anything until the 19th. Not sure if he plans on going and job searching for something else or what. The kids are still going to day care because honestly I do not know if he could care for them by himself. Which is sad. Maybe 1, but I'm not even going to discuss that with him until the weekend. J had her 4 months appt yesterday and they didn't end up giving her the vaxes. She has been fighting a cough now since Saturday. I took her to the medexpress on Saturday and had to wait 75 minutes in the waiting room for them to tell me that it's just a virus and to wait it out. Then yesterday she had her pedi appt and they said it's pretty bad so no vaxes. So she goes back in a week. I think she is almost over it now, so hopefully she can get the vaxes next week. She has been starting the fussy time at night now. Around 7:30 she starts crying and I can't calm her down until around 10. She will eat and then cry. She's not hungry, she's not tired, sick she is just cranky it seems like. Last night D and i figured out if you put her in the bouncey seat and bounce her she will calm down a little. It's been tough because I can't get anything done at night since I need to be with her all evening. You would think D could do stuff for me, but that would be too simple. I'm really looking forward to next weekend when I have my surgery. Hard to believe I'm actually excited for surgery! I'm excited to get the time off from everything for a couple days, I think it will help me out, mentally. A mental break I suppose. This morning the pipes froze in the house and I still do not have water. I can not believe how hard life is with no water. We really take it for granted! Everything I went to do it seemed like needed water. Anyway. D is waiting for them to come and repair it as I type this. Hopefully it gets taken care of. blah. That's all for now.

Today's tidbits

Nothing much is really happening. I didn't get the promotion, but I pretty much expected that to happen, so no sweat. There are a couple other job leads I am looking at in the area too, so maybe sometime soon I can get out of here. People are losing their jobs left and right around here, the economy really is very poor here, I am going to try and save as much as I can from my checks, I may need it in the future. Sad but true. Oh, L and my dad went to Chris' grandparents on Mon. night and he said something to L along the lines of..'I am your dad and I will spank your butt'..oooh I am so pissed about this. I am very against spanking - I know some people do not think spanking is abuse, but I just don't like it. So yes, this really struck a chord with me and my dad intends on writing a letter to the prosecutor to witness this statement he made. I wasn't there, but my dad was. So was Chris' grandma and I guess she commented saying something like, Oh no you will not do that. But OMG I do not understand why or how he thinks he can say this to her! First of all, he is not even a parent to her!!! I was up all night long thinking about this, how can I subject my little girl to this asshole. ugh. I am so flustered with this whole episode!!! I'm not pregnant, Just thought I would throw that in since I was concerned in my last post. I didn't really think I was, but it was in the back of my head. I'm not sure why I'm getting periods this time around, after I had L I didn't get one until I finished breastfeeding. Oh well. I really like that show the Duggars - I don't know why, but I have a little crush on the husband, Jim Bob. I think because he is truley the epitome of what a husband is supposed to be. I want that. I don't think it's too much to ask. I'm not sure if D can give that to me. Basically what it comes down to is respect. I really like how Michelle handles herself, too. She is so mellow. Is she behind the scenes smoking pot or what? She really has a calming about her and it really has been helping me at home. When I get flustered/frusterated I honestly think about her and it helps to calm me down. I mean, if she can be that way with 18 children, then certainly I can handle 2!! Anyway, that's about all that is going on over here. My surgery is in 2 weeks and I'm pretty calm about it. Usually I stress about this kind of thing and have a lot of anxiety, but for some reason I don't think it will be that big of a deal. Plus I will feel like I am on vacation, my mom is letting me stay at her house for the weekend and my dad is taking L for the whole weekend, and so I will have my mom taking care of me and J and she will just bring me J to feed her and see her. I can not wait to be waited on! :) The surgical place said that my surgery is at 8 and I will be able to go home by 10, so that was a relief also. Ok that's all for now.

life

I wish that there was someone who could read a person's blog and then analyze them by reading it. That is what everyone wants. Someone who can understand them, figure them out, and then tell them what their strengths and falters are. I had an interview this morning for a management position. It was me and 4 others who applied. I thought I had a strong chance, but at the end of the interview he told me. " don't be discouraged if you do not get this position." Which, in turn, discouraged me. I woke up late today. My interview was at 9:00AM, I have to be to work at 8:00AM. I woke up at 7:40AM. How this happened I will never know, but how frusterating. I was crying my eyes out because I thought for sure I was going to be late for my interview. My mom luckily came over to help me with L and get her ready so that I could make it for my 9AM interview. But one of the questions they asked was about punctuality, and I had to mention that I was late today. I was crushed. I ended up not being late for the interview, but it still messed my whole day up. I didn't get my coffee this morning and I had to rush which always makes me feel crappy. Not to mention all the crying I did this morning so I'm certain I had puffy eyes. Made me feel very undeserving of the job, but I think I still did okay with the interview. We'll see. If I don't get it I am going to ask why not. My dad went to see Chris with L last night again. I was planning on going but I had so much to do at home it just didn't happen. My dad confronted Chris about the letter I received in the mail. He told my dad that he just has a hard time talking to me about anything and that he wants to be able to start taking her by himself. My dad just said something like, you've been gone for 3 years, I'm sure she is just being careful. My dad said it sounded like he was very serious about being in her life now. Which maybe it will be best in the long run, but right now it is all about her and knowing how he used to be, I am not willing to just hand her over to him. So for now I am keeping my guard up. I honestly don't know if I could ever forgive him, but if he actually has changed, and how would I ever know if he has?, but if he has, then I would let L stay with him way way way down the road. It hurts my heart to even think about that, but it's the reality of it all and I will do what is in the best interest of her. J decided to sleep all night last night. That is the other freak thing that happened last night. She finally got to sleep around 10:30 and so I decided to sleep in L's bedroom again, and she didn't wake up until 7:40 this morning! about 9 hours!! That is a new record and I'm guessing just a fluke. The stars did not want me to do well in my interview is what I am guessing. But yay for J for sleeping through the night!! Another milestone. I also decided that I'm going to buy some cereal for her to try too now that she is 4 months old, I think she is ready to give it a try. She seems hungry and I always feel guilty eating in front of her while she watches me with those googly eyes. So my brother hates my dad's girlfriend. Which there are good reasons as to why, but it made Christmas oh- so- much- drama filled. My brother said some pretty ignorant things to her and so she felt the need to now email him a 1 page letter and said some stuff like, "we WILL get married and we WILL start a family" which make her sound pretty crazy. I used to semi-like her. I mean, she is 19 years old so it was very hard to like her at first and the idea is still pretty nuts if you ask me, considering that my father is 56. But. I got used to it and even began liking her okay. Now she had to go and write this nasty email to my brother. I must say that I was astounded and do not appreciate her thinking that she is more important in my dad's life than his own children. She does scare me a little bit and I'm starting to think that she may be a little money hungry. Dad is pretty much brainwashed also because he has said things like, "I'm not getting a pre-nup-Christa will make sure you guys are taken care of". Yeah he's changed since he divorced my mom 3 years ago. He still drives up to see us all the time and really helps me out in so many aspects of my life and is really there for me and my children. But his mindset has changed. He always was quoted saying, "I'm gonna die broke." He has been with his girlfriend well over a year now so it's not as though this is some quick mid-life crisis, it's for real. Just something else that has been on my mind today. I don't know if I should confront my dad about the letter she wrote, or if I should just stay out of it. Right now D has this weight machine he bought on Sunday sitting right in the middle of my kitchen floor. He bought it used for $50 and still hasn't used it once, yet there it sits in my kitchen, in my tiny house, no room at all for it. D had told me it was collapsable and that I wouldn't notice it. I've now stubbed my toe on it about 5 times and it's HUGE. Not to mention the long cord I now have going from my bedroom to the living room so that the internet connection can be hooked up to his x-box. wow he certainly is making my life miserable. I don't like things to be out of place and now I have this huge work out bench and a cord running through my house and it's making me lose my hair. I want them both gone. now. Sometimes I think I want him gone too. It would make my life so much easier. Where did things go wrong? My life is not exactly going to plan. Things are spiraling out of control much faster than I had ever imagined. Maybe I will get this new job position. Maybe that will help me feel better. However, if I don't get the job I need to be cool about it and not let it stress me out too much. My periods are so out of whack right now. I am now back on my thyroid hormone so that is good, it was way off! but I've been having these weird cramps lately that I can not shake. I am SO afraid that I am pregnant. It's another thing I have running through my head right now. I've only had a couple periods since I am still nursing J. The last time I had one seems like it was a long time ago now. I need to call the Dr but I keep putting it off because they are going to make me come in for an office visit and I can not miss any more time from work. Speaking of work. I need to get back to that.

complain much?

Ok I need to get this all out of my system before I literally explode. Chris is a deadbeat and I hate him with my entirety. I probably put too much energy in to hating him. Anyway, I received a letter yesterday that he went to the courts and told them he demands more parenting time with L. Why didn't he just ask me? Well, he did ask me if he could start taking her and I of course said no. So this is probably why. Now the courts are going to get involved and pretty much make my life more of a hell than it already is. Arg. So i am pretty sure that once this gets rolling, they(the courts) can decide to let Chris start taking L overnight? Not sure but I think that's how it works. I am so pissed for this situation. It's my own fault since I'm the one that had the sex then had the baby of this loser, but he does not deserve to be in her life at all. I need to get this all in writing so that I can remember. But he started seeing her November 15th 08-1hour. November 22nd-1hr. November 29th he was a no show. December 6th - 45min. Dec. 13th- brought his sister- 1 hour. December 22nd - did not bring L a christmas gift -45min. December 27- no show. January 3rd - 45 minutes. January 10th - called and siad he was too tired - no show. He agreed upon meeting up with us on saturdays so i'm not sure why he went to the court, but I guess he wants to take her now. After seeing her 6 times and she STILL does not talk about it or even know that he is her dad, yet he wants to start taking her. So now I have to go to court on March 6th and discuss parenting time again. This is such bull shit. I hate myself for ever applying for assistance. Did I mention that I got denied for everything I even applied for so it was a stupid decision yet again made by me. I feel like every decision I make is stupid. I feel like I AM stupid. I just don't feel it's fair that I be dealing with all this stress when he is the one that has been a no show for the 1st 3 years of her life..I am the one that has had to deal with everything and here he comes to now all of a sudden save the day? I can not wrap my head around this at all. And he hasn't changed, I talk to him and it's like he is the same person, I am just now a stronger person. He told me the last time I went to the mall to meet up with him that it looks like I have everything going for me and I seem truly happy. I truly was happy only a couple weeks ago. what the hell happened. I was laying in bed last night and thought that if I do end up dying that I accept that and actually it doesn't sound half bad? I have this fear of death that I've had my whole life, which I am sure everyone has. I have that surgery next month and it makes me think about dying constantly. Plus I've had some abnormal things going on in my body and I automatically think its the worst and that I will die. Yes I suppose that isn't healthy to think like that. Then I called my mom to tell her about this letter and I am saying how it's bullshit and she just says, well that is what is going to happen, he is going to start taking her. I didn't want to hear that, I wanted her to complain with me, I wanted her to support me. She has changed so much and is not the mom I used to have. I feel so alone in this and feel like everyone is against me in this. As if Chris is some great guy and deserves to have L half the time. no no he is an abusive prick that deserves to go to hell. I didn't get my paycheck this week. It is usually in my bank account on Thursday evenings and it's not there. Something else. I got the info in the mail yesterday regarding the surgery. They call it a d&c/cervical laseration..I've never had one before and not even sure what it stands for. my pre-op appt will be 2/9 so I will ask all my questions then, but it does scare me a little bit. My anxiety is spinning out of control again. I would go and see the counselor that I was seeing in years past. I went and saw her back in 02 then in 03 or 04 I stopped seeing her and told her I was OK. I ended up going back to her in 06-07 and then stopped seeing her again and told her she would not be seeing me again because I am fine. How can I go back a third time? I would feel like such a failure. I keep thinking of calling her though. I don't know how much more I can take. I was frusterated with D again too, but then he revived himself and cleaned the whole house and had dinner made when i got out of work last night. How can I be mad at that. He texted me and said he just wants to do whatever he can to make me happy How can he do that? I have never had a guy say that to me before. I didn't even have to answer he already knew ( since he cleaned the house and made dinner ) funny the things that make you happy when you are old and with kids. J slept for 6 hours strait in her crib last night! that was a record! I still sleptin L's room though, it felt nice to get some uninterrupted sleep. I went to the tanner again last night, it was so relaxing. I have a skin check next month though so that is good. I don't plan on tanning too much, just maybe once a week or once every couple weeks. I'm against tanning, but now that I've been depressed, the sunlight I thought could do me some good. Even though it's been my enemy in the past. I feel better just purging all of that out of my system on to this blog. I don't have anything else to say right now.