spinning thoughts

My belly is really getting huge. I am so surprised how big I look already! My boobs are also enoromous. I am so desperate for a bigger bra, the ones I have are just not working! There is nothing really going on right now. D and I still fight non-stop it seems like. It really sucks. He just always seems to tell me how ignorant I am or why am I being like that and all I do is bitch and complain. I'm SICK of hearing that everyday..it's not good for me. And the other night I could tell he had smoked and when I called him on it he lied to me. I know when he has smoked. Not that it even bothered me because i know it's hard to quit, but why did he have to lie to me, that was my biggest fear. How am I supposed to trust him when he's lying to me? Anyway, then last night my aunt called last minute and invited L and I over for dinner, so we went right there after work. Well, I didn't know D was even at my house and apparently waiting for me to get home. So when we did get home he was in a bad mood cuz he hadn't eaten dinner and was waiting 2 hours for us. ugh. I can't help it that his phone still is disconnected because he'd rather buy surround sound speakers than pay his damn bill. I'm not complaining about the speakers because I think they are cool, but c'mon! We need money for this baby and for our new house and we really can't be wasting it on stuff for ourselves..I wish he knew how to save money, but nope, if he has $10 he spends it..if he has $100 it's gone. I HATE it! I don't know what I can do or say to change that. I told him he needs to start giving me some money, but he doesn't say ANYTHING. I just don't know how this is going to work, him and I. I just don't see it working. He's a good guy and means well, but I just don't think we can get along seriously. We fight too much and it's not good for either of us to be miserable. I am miserable. There I said it. I just feel like shit half the time when he's not in a good mood, it puts me in a bad mood. I miss my life before D came along..things were smooth and going along fine..now BAM! I'm strapped down with 2 kids and now a guy who is a kid himself, why should I even put up with it??? I shouldn't and won't. I'm done playing stupid bullshit games and done done done. I'm just ranting right now, I'm sure this is not how I will feel tomorrow or even 2 hours from now. It's just all really starting to piss me off and I wish there was a way to change it. I wish I hadn't fallen for this one. It's so stupid to wish though. It's not as though I can turn back the hands of time. Another baby is coming and all everyone keeps saying is how hard this is going to be and I don't know HOW you are going to do it. It's really pissing me off, it's like, Come on, give me some fucking credit. I realize 2 is not 1, but can we not sit there and say how horrible of a time it is going to be for me please!?! I really can't move in to this new house without D's help, that is the only thing that sucks. The other thing that sucks is that I'd like to be with someone when this baby is born and there is no one else in the picture, or even close. So it's not as though I can just move on to someone else. I know that sounds as though I'm setteling..and I probably am. I just don't want to be single again in the first couple years of the baby's life. I have played that game. D could be of help, but he could also be a nuisance and that is the scarey part. He is not showing me ANY responsibilty. He's not showing me that he can do this. Instead he's being a whiney baby and making it more difficult on me. I know I am hormonal and probably not creating the best atmosphere for him either. I can be a real bitch right now for no good reason. But he has a 5 yr old and was with his ex until she was 2 years old. he SHOULD know what it is like to be around a prego woman. But he doesn't. He doesn't understand me or any of it. I feel like I am so alone. We barely talk. I feel Like I'm in a rotten marriage already, we just both kinda float by the other until it comes time for bed and then he wants something from me. Well yeah right, I'm not about to give it to him! Fuck that! ok I really need to stop, I just have a lot of stored up anger inside me about all this bullshit. I hate being a single mom, but I hate being with him sometimes too. It's not healthy for me. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do at this point. Just roll with it? I have no fucking clue. We are going to my aunt's again for dinner tonight but I didn't let D know that. When would I of. He barely said 2 words to me last night(except when he told me I was ignorant) then he slept on the couch. Yes, I'm a bitch, but WHY am I a bitch is the question? Is it because he's difficult to live with..because I know if I was happy with him I would not be acting the way I was. I dunno..it's all so complicated and i just really would like to get away for a couple days..ALONE! Yeah right though. When the hell would that opportunity ever strike. I guess I could take L with me, that could be fun. or disaster. I can barely handle her from after work until bedtime. She just likes to constantly get in to trouble. I can't take my eyes off of her for 2 minutes or else she is tipping the garbage can over, throwing things in the toilet, dumping a box of cookies all over the floor, throwing stuff all over the place..yes, I live with a tornado from hell. I honestly go nutso from about 5:30 until we are peacefully reading books in her room around 8pm. I love 8:00..Weekends are better because we are both well rested so we are pretty laid back on the weekends at least.