happy but sad

I guess they are correct when they say pregnancy is just one huge ball of hormones. For some reason right now I feel like bawling, yet there really isn't a reason. I just want to cry and never stop. It could be because I feel so stuck in a rut. I'm pregnant. I just bought a house and have no idea how I'm going to afford it. I have to have the colposcopy done next monday and I'm terrified. My best friend doesn't like my boyfriend. D is starting to really change his whole attitude and I'm falling in love with him. L is getting worse and worse everyday(behavioral wise). I just hate my job. I want to take a vacation but have no vacation time let alone any money. I want to eat pizza all the freaking time. I feel like the biggest blob in the world. I'm starting to move slower. I have no motivation. I have been having suicidal thoughts. I have to wake up at least 2 times a night to pee and then once because L is crying and needs me to take her to pee. I have no energy. I never get any sleep. ever. I feel like I could sleep for ever. I want to take a nap sometimes and can't because I'm at work or I have L. I want a babysitter so I can catch a break. I want someone to volunteer to take L overnight. I want one night to myself. I want the bugs in my apartment to disappear, I hate them and so does L. I want to move to my new home without actually having to move. I want to get medicaid so I can quit paying $200 a month for my health insurance anymore. It's looking grim that I will get it, but there still is a ray of hope. I want someone to clean my apartment for me. I want to close on my loan so I can get stuff movin. I want energy. I want this cold weather to fucking go away already. I want to do things this summer with my baby girl. Like go to the zoo, go swimming and all the fun outdoor things. I want to actually do them and not be a lazy fat ass. I want to quit throwing up every single morning. I want my cramps to go away. I wish I had money and no stress. Money = stress and that sucks. Money = power also and that sucks even more. If I ruled the world I think I would give everyone ample amount of money, that way there would be little stress. We'd all be giant fatasses though laying in the woods like barbarians because no one would be motivated to get up and work, what would be the point. So I guess money motivates eh? It still pisses me off and I wish so badly it wasn't an issue. Life would be smoother. It's all a learning experience I suppose. You have to lose to win, or something like that. I'm borrowing 25K from a bank! yikes, that's scarey. I've never owned anything in my life. That I actually paid for myself. So it's kinda cool, yet scares the shit outta me. Did I mention I hate working until 5 now. It fucks up my whole evening and I don't have time for shit now. I love my daughter so much though, she seriously is the whole reason I come to this shithole office every day.