optomism

I went out to lunch today and when I got back my parking space was still there and it made me smile. Funny how the small things can make you smile. Not funny how the small things can also make you frown. I get so angry lately by the stupidest things. And sucks for D that I take EVERYTHING out on him. If L is being a pita then I'm a total bitch to D. It's not fair and I really need to work on that. Last night L was up at 2:30, 3, 3:30, 4, 4:30, 5 and then up at 5:30 for the day! Needless to say I was pissed off. The first time was because she had to pee. fine. then the next time was because she saw a bug, there really was not a bug but she insisted there was one in her closet. I shut her closet, she was good. Then the screaming started again. Mind you, each time I was about to drift back in to dreamland another uproaring scream would wake me out of it. Every time after was because of bugs. I hate my fucking apartment and the fucking bugs that live in it. It's those creepy beetle looking things, I think the correct name for them is "stink bugs" but I HATE THEM! L didn't even SEE any bugs last night but she just knows they are there lurking..which they are because I killed 2 in the hallway when she wasn't looking, I hate them so much. I can't wait to get out of there!!!! Anyway, I'm sure daycare is going to loooove L today! She'll be a happy camper I'm sure. So around 3:30 I came back to bed after telling L to shut up. And I wanted to punch the shit out of D! What the hell is my problem?? I didn't. But I wanted to so bad!! Then I wanted to punch the walls. Then I thought about having 2 children and I really considered blowing my brains out! How the hell am I going to survive with a newborn baby PLUS L? I honestly don't know. I think I will die. I don't want to do the newborn stage again. I really need to work on my patience before this baby comes. I don't have any. I should have realized that kids wake up in the middle of the night and I should be used to the idea of not getting any sleep, but instead I wanted to punch things. I'm not a good person when I get little sleep. I was angry during my whole nights sleep until at 5:20am I felt D kiss my forehead goodbye as he left for work and it was like all that anger was lifted and I felt so peaceful. It was like nothing else mattered. He's been so awesome these past couple of days, maybe the whole week, but I think that is because I have been good too, I haven't been as big of a bitch(I'm trying, really I am). I think he really does love me. We had a super long talk a few days ago and it was pretty much both of us getting everything off of our chests about what pisses us off. He obviously said that I bitch and complain to much so I'm working on it. We are both stubborn asses and seriously I don't think I'll ever change. He won't either. But at the end of the conversation he did say how much he loves me and L and how he hopes one day he can be L's dad. That melted my heart..I would have had instant tears but I held them back and he said, if you want me to that is. And I just said, yes I want you to. But it was very sweet. He hasn't been as crabby and is pretty much being the man that I want and need him to be right now. Let's hope it continues..I'm somewhat of a pessimist and I need to work on that, so I'm thinking positively that this will indeed work! We are both super excited to be moving. Scares me pretty much to DEATH about moving in with him, but it could be a good thing. Could be disaster. Moving in with np after only dating a couple of weeks was disaster. D and I have been together 6 months so that's pretty good right? Not to mention have a baby on the way. He seems more excited and has to have bonding time with my belly each night. He loves my big pregnant body he says everyday. I hate my body right now, but he can't get enough of it. I feel like I'm just bulging out everywhere, my ass doubled in size I think, so have my boobs! He likes both equally. The only thing I like about my body right now is that I don't feel self conscious now when D wants to rub my belly because it's supposed to be fat! I can let it all hang out and not even care because the bigger the better right? Speaking of boobs, I NEED new bras like, 2 weeks ago! That should be a goal for the weekend. My other goal is to finish the book Stacie lent me called the Pilot's Wife, it's boring now, but I must finish it. I also want to look in the freebees for a computer desk, entertainment center, end table, and a few other odds and ends that I desperately need for the new place. Oh and I close on my loan on Saturday morning. Yesterday I gave the broker my down payment of $4800 and had a mini-panick attack because now I'm BROKE until I get my fed. income taxes back. I've never been this broke in my life, I've always had a cushion and now there is nothing and I semi freaked out. I like to have a savings account in case of emergency, like I need to run away fast or something. Anyway, things are coming together with the new house and I should be moving in shortly I hope hope hope!!!! L is even excited and keeps talking about "new house! new room! new BED!" So that is awesome and makes me feel more optomistic. That's another thing I'd love to go and look at this weekend! Bedding! My aunt called me, they are in NC for furniture market right now, and she found this adorable bedroom set for L, bed, nightstand and dresser and described it and I said yes so they are going to buy it for L for Christmas, her b-day and possible next Christmas present! I love having family in the furniture biz. So I am psyched about that. Monday is my shitty colpo procedure, but for now i've placed it in the back of my mind and realized that it will be over with soon and then I can move past it. I just want it over NOW! Oh well. It could be worse. much worse. So I just have to think positively and not dwell on it. Okay I think that is enough for today.