ok I figured it out, but it's still rather blurry.

7.5 weeks to go

So the weekend went well. I didn't make it to my mom's house, because D was going to the bar(to be the dd) and he needed me to babysit. I had a couple girlfriends over to assist, so all went well. It's so nice to be with a man that doesn't leave me every single weekend and sometimes weekdays to go to the bar and leave me home alone and pregnant wondering what he is doing out still until 6am. That was how my life was with Chris when I was pregnant with L. D doesn't drink, and I love that. Which seems odd since I love to drink when not with child. It was nice back when we first started dating because I could finally have a few drinks at home and he was there just incase L needed me or a driver or something. I'm a paranoid person so I never drank when it was just her and I in the house. Call me responsible I guess. Anyway, yesterday D had the day off work to go to a couple of interviews, I asked what he had done all day and he said nothing. So I of course was expecting to come home to my trash filled house. A and L seem to always trash the place when she is in town. Well to my surprise he had cleaned the house! I think I was in shock, but wow. Is he learning after all? I was really dreading walking in to my messy house and he had tricked me and had it clean after all, and here I was ready to bitch. It aggravates me that A is scared of everything. I know she is 6 so it's normal for this stage, but my daughter is not scared of anything and I like it that way..now, whenever A leaves then L starts developing fears. Like I'm having a hard enough time right now transitioning her to her new bed and now last night she said A had told her there was a monster under her bed so she no longer wants to sleep in it. ughhhhh. A is scared of Ants, bugs, everything basically, and is ALWAYS talking about monsters and how they are getting her. I know I know, it's all normal, but I don't need L developing fears when she has always been fearless. How do I deal with this? I told A to quit talking about monsters, but she doesn't listen to me. Don't know if I posted about this yet or not, but my mom talked to a guy at the child support office and I guess if we end up having a hearing then it wouldn't be until October, that's how backed up they are. But phew, now I don't have to worry about being 9 months prego and going in there, that would just not sit well with me. I also realized that as soon as I pop this baby out they are going to go after D for c.s. also since we are not married. That's ok though because I "think" that would mean that his payments for A would go down some? I'm not sure how that all works though. Maybe not. We'll see. I tried taking a pic of my latest ultrasound with my camera phone so I will try posting it, here: ok I can't do it, it keeps saying error. I'm usually pretty good with a computer, but for some reason this blogger site confuses the heck out of me!

I am bored

Ok, so my job has got to be the easiest, but most boring of all jobs. Some days I am crazy busy, but then others I sit here and contemplate my existance in this cubicle. Everything is done. Why are my co-workers so far behind..I'm ahead of schedule. Let's see here, so this weekend D has A. He didn't have her last weekend due to her spending the weekend at a friend's house, so now we get her two weekends in a row, this weekend and next weekend. Then for 2 weeks in August. Sigh. I really don't want to be the mean stepmother, but seriously, the kid can drive me insane. Not to mention she is extremely bossy toward L. What happened to that sweet little 5 year old I met nearly a year ago. She's 6 now I guess is what happened. Also when she is in town my house gets completely trashed, I'm guessing because her and L tear it up, but I just don't get it. and I hate it. Maybe i will go and stay at my mom's house for the weekend? It sounds nice right about now. I just need a break from D and a break from A is nice too. I haven't seen her since the 4th of July but I dread the thought of her coming. I would never say these words out loud and I regrettably don't like thinking them. I just think it's best to put it down somewhere so that I don't completely lose my mind. Maybe I will go to my moms. My mom is going to her bf's house. They still broke up, but they are going to still see eachother - whatever the hell that means. So she is going to stay with him all weekend so her house will be free. I might have to do that in order to avoid a fight with D, since we always fight when A is in town for one reason or another. L adores A though and that is cute. She really missed her this last gap of time and brings her up quite a bit. So I will still need to make sure they get some time to hang out. However, I hate how if L has a toy, then all of a sudden A just HAS to have it. shouldn't L be the one that is like that? L is the 2 year old, yet A is the one playing the part. Also if A sees something she wants or wants to look at, she always asks, "what is that?" looking at a peice of cake, as if she doesn't know what a peice of cake is. Why not just ask for a peice of cake instead of playing dumb. Ok I'm done venting about it, it just irks me. I made A a frame that has a picture of her and her daddy from up at the lake in it. I'm going to have her take it to her mom's house so she has a picture to see when her dad isn't there..it's cute. I still have a stomache ache about L's dad and the whole child support stuff..still no answers really. My mom works for the courts and I guess she is talking to some guy more about it today so we can get some answers, I'm still so afraid and still so sick to my stomache and wish this wasn't happening. I had some really crazy fucked up dreams last night. I ended up in L's bed because she was coughing so hard I was paranoid, so I slept in the bed below hers just to keep an eye on her. I slept great, but just weird dreams. I had my ultrasound yesterday! The baby looks great - she is so cute. and she is healthy which is the best part of all! They said she's about 3lbs 11oz's right now, and is about 45% for weight - so she is average - yay. She looks just like L - it's kinda creepy. I can't imagine having 2 girls. It makes me happy in so many ways, but also sad too. Once this baby comes it is going to be a challenge to give one on one time to L and I hate that part. I don't want her to feel replaced - ever. I want her to feel like the proud older sister. I just keep thinking - this is the last summer that it will be just L and I. I keep typing because if I don't I fear I will keel over and fall asleep. I'm exhausted. I have no idea why, I just want to sleep. I think mainly because I'm so bored today and I didn't get a lunch because I worked my lunch hour today to make up for my dr. appt yesterday. I think I will go take a stroll to the water jug, then to the bathroom, and take my sweet time. Is it 5:00 yet? Friday tomorrow thank goodness!!

things floating on my mind today

I have a feeling I'm really going to need this blog as soon as things get started with this whole child support/custody thing that I have started. sigh. I can't believe my baby girl has been breathing for almost 3 years and this deadbeat has not seen her since she was 2 months old, nor has given us one cent toward anything. I should have filed a while back, but didn't want the drama of him in our lives, so I stayed out of it and had he persued a relationship with her (a while ago!) I would have been okay with it, but it has been disappointing since she was 2 months. I remember a year ago in September he called and wanted to see her, so I set up a time and place to meet and guess what? He didn't show up. Nothing since. Now I had to file support due to having to receive medicaid- blah - so now I've opened up a new can of worms and I'm scared shitless. I'm so afraid he's going to come after custody now after all these years. I am going to have to sit down with him in a hearing like situation and we are going to have to come to an agreement on child support and on custody..how do i do that with someone I haven't seen in 3 years and have so much built up anger toward?? I suppose the ball will be in my court since I'm the one that has been raising her since day one, but omg, the anxiety is already here and there is no court date yet. He first has to go and meet one on one with the child support lady, then after that is when the court date will be set up. It's a slow process so this could be months from now. Who really knows. All I know, is I'm scared for my baby. Maybe it will be a good thing. But mainly, i'm scared. He's not working right now either so I know that I won't be getting much from him. I really don't think this is all worth it. I wish I could just go back and change my mind. I want to run away from this. I won't be able to move out of state unless it's approved by the court and by him..I hate not having control of my own life. Things with D are going better. We've both let up a little bit and are just kinda getting along - may be fakely so - but getting along none the less. I'm trying my hardest not to bitch at him about every little thing and I think he's trying too. I noticed if I just shut up and do things around the house, then he will pitch in too and help me also..it's a team effort and i think I had kind of forgotten that seeing that I'm spoiled and felt that he should be doing everything. So we shall see what happens. Tomorrow I get to see my baby girl again with an ultrasound! I am psyched!!! I'm taking my mom along because she is so anxous to see her! I haven't seen her since 20 weeks so I'm ready. D couldn't take the time off from work anyways so it's better this way. My daughter is having a difficult time with the transition to the toddler bed. I honestly did not think it would be this difficult, but she cries and cries now when I go to leave her at night. I've been just laying with her and trying to bargain with her.."if you go to sleep like a good girl then you can have a fruit snack in the morning". Stuff like that. Probably shouldn't be doing it, but it has worked thus far.. I use it as a last resort but it works. Or I just lay with her until she is very tired, then she doesn't mind if I am walking out. She fell out of bed last night and cried and cried..hit her head on her night stand..even though there is a mattress down below she still hit her head. So i pulled the mattress from underneath out a little more..its a trendle bed. My mom and her boyfriend broke up again this weekend. sigh. He is supposed to be coming over tomorrow night to get his things, I have a feelling they will be back together though. Let's see if I'm correct. Work is kicking my butt. Lots of new changes here and I'm physically and mentally drained. I don't want to come back after I have the baby. I wish I didn't have to. I'm going to try my hardest to take 12 weeks off.

I can't win

I feel like I'm losing the fight with D. I am a person that doesn't usually put up with a lot, but with him I feel like I've put up with a TON. Not sure if it's just the pregnancy hormones, but I'm starting to think, not. He is as stubborn if not more than I am and that is irritating. He doesn't listen to me, ever. And I don't like how he's been toward L. He walked in the other day and L said "HI D" and he just ignored her? I mean, what the fuck is that? When I was younger I dreamed of marrying a man that was going to play with the kids and be friendly and outgoing and positive. D is not friendly to people he doesn't know(particularly my mom) and is just not playful with my kid at all, or his kid for that matter. It BOTHERS me so much. Not to mention he doesn't want L getting away with anything and wants her in time-out 24/7 and then tells me how I am not being that great of a parent, I don't know how to discipline and my child is out of control. She is SO not out of control, he just got lucky with his daughter I think, but my daughter is a happy child and not too out of control, and I discipline when she hits or does something completely ridiculous. She JUST got her big girl bed last night and she got up a couple times, D was sitting on the recliner "L, get back in to bed"..of course I went in there and comforted her, but he just is not at all on the same page with me with parenting at all..sigh. Then..the ever saga of the cleaning. My aunt was coming over last minute on tuesday and had called monday to tell me that. She was going to let in the furniture people for me since we would both be at work. Well The house was pretty messsy so I was cleaning like crazy on Monday night..while D sat in the recliner watching tv and lifting his feet to my vaccuming. Then I asked him to move a box of his shit pleaze and he didn't answeer so I asked again and he was like, no. So I told him I'd put it in the closet..it was pretty heavy, but I lifted it and put it in the closet..he came right behind me and said, no..and took the box back out to the counter. ugh. I asked why and he said that since L never listens he's sure she will get in to it. whatever. So then I ask if he would help me out a little since my aunt is coming over. no I don't feel like it. His attitude is terrible and I really don't think I'm asking all that much. So my aunt comes over, I get home from work and she had cleaned everything that I couldn't get to the night before..how embarrassing!! NOt to mention she picked up all of D's cigarette butts out in the yard. His reply to that is that the lawnmower picks them up! I still hate the look of them in the yard and even put a can out on the deck for his butts..there is one in there. I have aasked him a couple times to put them in there. He seriously is a worse listener than my daughter in my opinion. So I told him that last night when we were talking about Monday nights fight. He said he would try harder. Then today at lunch I asked if he would pick up the pile of cigarette butts my aunt had collected and he said yeah, I'll pick them up with the lawnmower just like all my other ones, and I said, so you aren't going to put them in the can? and he says no. UGH. I just am so sick of him being so childish. So I said you know you really don't need to live with me, it's not really working out. And he hung the phone up on me. So here we go again. sigh. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of the fighting, I am SICK of living with him and wish he'd move out. I KNOW i'd be happier without him living there. I just don't think he ever will. One time while fighting I suggested he move out and he said I would need to contact a lawyer and evict him then. Is that even possible? I hope it doesn't come to that, but i hate hate hate living with him. I love him as a person but can not stand living with him. Which is not going to work to say the least. I want to be with someone happier too..he's such a downer like 50% of the time. Maybe he is using drugs and I don't even know it, I'm pretty naive when it comes to that stuff..hm. Because sometimes he is great and happy and treats L and I with respect and then it's like the next he's a completely different person with mr. attitude, like a teenager almost I guess. Anyways, L LOVES her new bed and so do I..she got a bed, dresser, and night stand and a little coat rack to match too, it is awesome. She did so well besides being a little scared last night. I can't believe my baby is growing up, it was a little sad. Today I had another dr. appt. I swear I live there. They did a colp again with a repeat pap. Ugh. The little light they use for the colp wasn't working so they had to find another one, so I was laying there for about 10 minutes(which is a long time when you have that speculum thing in!). I am super crampy now today and even hitting the bumps while driving is so painful. He said that is all normal though, but it's still uncomfortable. On the plus side he told me that my cervix looks great and he thinks the hormones from the pregnancy are what caused the abnormal pap in the first place and that by my 6 week appt it should be a normal pap result. Yay. D doesn't even know I had this done today. Oh well. Next week I'm getting another ultrasound to check growth and I want my mom to come with me to see the baby. I'd rather have her there than D. that's sad. She was the one with me with my pregnancy with L. She went to lamaze with me and shopped with me and threw me my baby shower,and well, she can be pretty awesome. She was going through a divorce, after 32 years of marriage my dad just decided to take off, while I was pregnant and both of us surprisingly made it through. There was lots of crying going on the first 3 months of L's life..we all lived together and if it wasn't me it was my mom. What an emotional time in both of our lives. Anyways, I am at work and really wish I wasn't. I want to go home and start on the baby's nursery now that L's furniture came in I can really start organizing. I want to go home and sleep. I want to be anywhere but here and time seems to be moving backwards today.

good weekend

The 4th of July weekend was just what we needed. It was so relaxing and just a wonderful 3 days. First of all, that whole insurance mess is finally cleared up and the old insurance guy mailed me my $50 back right away - he must have decided he wanted to get rid of me and quickly. So the new insurance place got in touch with the bank and all is well..phew. The whole Chris situation is still lingering, however, I am somewhat at peace with the whole thing. I guess the whole time I pretty much "knew" he should be paying child support, but I was always too afraid to actually do it, so on some level I am hoping that this is the right thing to have had happen. I still am scared, but will actually feel a weight off of my shoulders after this is completed..the only thing I am next worried about is that he will come after custody. I dont' think he is man enough to do such a thing, but he could have a strong girlfriend who wants to fight or something, you just never know. I just have to play the waiting game and see. So we went up north to my aunt and uncle's on the 4th and it was beautiful weather, D and his daughter came too. D actually socialized with my family and they all got to know him better, it was so great. And he actually had a fun time. I took quite a few pictures. He got to ride the jet ski and his daughter loved swimming and the jet ski also. We also went on the boat for a ride and that was nice too. His daughter had never been on a boat so that was cool. L had fun, however she was not acting herself. D's daughter was playing with my cousin's child and so they were playing and not really including L, she was pretty much a loner all weekend and didn't want to do anything they did. She didn't even swim due to an incident with my dad where she ended up under the water and it scared her, so she wouldn't go in except to get some sand. I think she still had a good weekend, but just was very independant. D's daughter also ran over L's head with a power wheels gator toy. I saw the whole thing, but was too far away to save her. The outcome could have been much worse, but all that happened is she got a couple scratches and a nice goose egg. As for me, I layed out in the sun, got burned pretty badly, swam a little, and just relaxed. It was nice having D there to help me keep an eye on L. My mom also came up so she let D and I go out for a bike ride while she watched the girls, it was nice. They had fireworks on the water in the evening so we all sat out on the deck and watched. We stayed the next day too and left around dinner time. Got home and took a long nap until 8pm! Then got up and went down to see the huge city fireworks. We didn't get home until 11:30ish. L loved the fireworks though even though they were a bit loud for her. Stacie even came with us so that was nice having her around again. Oh and we got an elephant ear, YUM. I'm taking L to another fair this weekend just so I can get another elephant ear. D and I have been getting along since the trip up north, we kind of fought the morning before we left, but we just left everything behind us and really enjoyed eachother up north. I am going to attempt to post some pictures on here even though I not a clue how to do so. This week we've been getting along pretty good too. I am an emotional wreck lately though, I get so offended so easily and I know it's the hormones but it's scaring me that I may end up with a severe case of ppd and I really do not want that to happen, but if it does, it does and I'll just accept it and get on some medication. The baby is doing well! I had an appointment yesterday to kind of go over my birth plan and talk about any concerns I have had. The midwife did not seem all that concerned over any of my issues. I Asked yet again about the stenosis with my heart and she said they are just interested in checking it again after I deliver and the fact that I've already given birth once is fantastic, also they told me they are thinking it is now called something like re-gerge-not sure on the spelling, but that it is very very mild. They did say i have a lot of complications this pregnancy, but they are all minor and nothing to worry about. PHEW. Baby is very active and likes to kick me pretty much all day and sometimes at night. Hey maybe this means she will sleep all night? ha ha. L didn't sleep through the night until 13 months, so we'll see. I am getting very excited to meet this little one. I've been having dreams about her and the whole L&D thing. She is still very nameless..I just don't know!!! Every name I like ends up I don't like it after a couple days. I wish I could just find the perfect name, but I'm not really stressing because I'm sure once she is born something will come to me. I get to see her again in 2 weeks for an ultrasound, i'm psyched for that! Not psyched for the re-colp and re-pap that I have next week though, but happy they are checking me since I keep wondering what all this cramping is, even though the midwife explained they are all normal feelings, I still worry! The house is finally getting there, and is slowly becoming clean. Our yard? A completely different story, I'm ashamed of what it looks like...the weeds are unbearable and my dad even lectured D last night about it. So then this morning D says we need to get the weedwacker from my mom this weekend, I'm glad he is finally realizing that this stuff NEEDS to get done! ugh! Before he was saying things like, well it doesn't bother me at all so what's the point? Great attitude he has huh? I keep telling him I'm scared he's not going to help out with the baby. We'll see. He says he will, but who really knows. That will be the true test I guess. Housework, he does OK. Not very persistant. In fact, I was telling my dad how he cleans, but only when he wants to and he will let things go for quite a while. My dad said his girlfriend is the same way so he's started to just let things go as well..good advice dad, thanks, haha. I also wanted to be like, yeah well when I was nineteen I also wanted to let things go like that. But I couldn't bring myself to comment and just said that we are in similar situations then. Well let's hope this weekend goes good. No plans at all planned except I intend to take L to the fair. Probably some swimming at my moms house. She has her boyfriend coming in to town tonight. He also went up north with her last weekend. They fight all the time, but I'm glad she has somebody to share life experiences with. That's all from me for now.

I don't even know where to begin

Well I pretty much had a meltdown last night. I guess after reading you will see why, but ugh. Nothing is ever easy I suppose. This whole insurance thing with my house has been a huge mess. I got a couple letters in the mail yesterday and neither were good. The first was from the corporate office of my bank telling me that if I don't produce an insurance policy in 2 days they would assess a $2000 add on charge to my loan, which would up my payments and would provide their own insurance. yikes..This was my 3rd letter like this, except this was the final notice..in the past 3 weeks I have been hounding my insurance guy trying to get him to communicate with my bank. No luck. I took time off from work this morning and went to a different insurance agent which my parents go through and I do too for my vehicle and life insurace, so I know they are credible. Anyways, They contacted the bank for me this morning, well let me back up..first they told me they couldn't help me on such short notice, but then I started bawling in their office, of course followed by apologies because I'm pregnant and hormonal, so she finally said she would check again. I guess sometimes it helps to cry. they ended up helping me! They called the bank and made sure that they would not charge me this $2000 bullshit thing and then I paid them $334 for the whole year and am now insured for sure this time..phew. The other guy, well he said he would mail my back my $50 and not to worry. My dad called him and said what I have been trying to get him to do for 3 weeks, this other insurance company has now done for me in 15 minutes. I intend on following up and writing a letter to the insurance commision on this guy..he's messed with the wrong person. Even my new insurance agent wondered how this guy sleeps at night. He's not actually writing policies, just pocketing the money until something comes up like a fire or something. I still have not heard confirmation that this matter is finally taken care of, but hopefully soon! Next letter I opened last night was from the prosecutor's office and I'm now apparently suiting chris for child support. It happened behind my back since I had to apply for medicaid. Which was stupid to begin with since my work will not take me off of their insurance, therefore i am still paying over $200 a month to keep Lilly and I insured and Medicaid acts as a secondary insurance which picks up the co-pays or whatnot..but still. I understand their reasoning for going after the support, it's their job, the state wants their money, I get that all. What kills me is the fact that he is now back in my life after a few years. The fact that after all this time could he possibly get custody? Is the reason he tried contacting me before because he had gotten a letter regarding this? It all makes me very nauseous. I tried calling the child support specialist and they are on vacation until July 14th and the hearing or whatever is on the 17th. So i'm going to send in the paperwork they requested for now, but if I can somehow opt out of medicaid and make this all go away then I sure as hell am going to do that! If he was a good parent or even trying to make an effort this would be different and I would be more cooporative. But he is slime. He makes me very ill and just having his name pop up in my mailbox made it all very real and very scarey. Why I had sex with this creature is beyond my thinking and I really can't wrap my head around it all. After getting these 2 letters last night I decided to go to my mom's house..not to really see her, but just so that I could cry and not cry in front of D. So i took L and went to my mom's. At first my mom was pissed and pretty much just blamed me for all the bullshit and said I could have done things differently, ie, not gotten medicaid, etc. I WILL take L off of medicaid if it will make this all disappear, that's for sure. Anyway, then after I cried for a while she finally cooled off and helped me out with how to fix the whole insurance thing, which worked. I don't know how or why but my mom, no matter what, is always always always right. My mom also conveinantly works for the court system, but I am trying to sort all of that mess out on my own and see what happens. So I got back home from my mom's house and D was playing the computer still. The house is trashed. I just walked passed him and gave L a bath and got her ready for bed, put her to bed, then crashed on my bed without really talking to him. I noticed he fell asleep so I grabbed the remote and shut the tv off. One thing he does that really irritates me is he has to sleep with the tv on every single night and I put up with it, but usually have to reach across and get the remote and turn it off. He woke and said, give me the remote back, i asked if he was going to turn the tv on and he said yes, so I said, well then no. I'm sick of having the tv on all the time, it's loud and not to mention wastes electricity. So he turned over and in turning over he knocked his glass off the side table and I heard it shatter. He just laid there. So a minute later I asked if he was going to clean his mess up. no response. So I asked him again and he still just layed there pouting like a little baby. So I started ranting about how I hate living with him and I think he should move out, etc etc. Then I said I couldn't believe he wouldn't pick his mess up. and he said, why would i after what you just said? It's your house you clean it. So I got out of bed, grabbed a towel and turned the light on. He jumped up and turned the light off, and I said what are you doing I am cleaning my mess up. He got so pissed off, he took the fucking light bulb out of the light. So I grabbed a bag, all while crying, ugh I hate crying in front of guys, but told him I was taking off. I got L and I packed up and he grabbed my cell phone and keys and told me I wasn't going anywhere and to see how I like it( have no idea what he meant by that) but I was so angry!!! Anyway, by this time it was 11 and I was so exhausted and worn out from crying and not to mention I was very crampy and the stress was no good at all to my little baby. So he started talking to me more calmly and just asking what he does that is so horrible. I told him how I just hate living with him, we moved in too quickly and I really miss just being me and L. Not to mention all he does is watch tv and play video games. And he never goes anywhere with us. and then of course the money issue. I told him how if I have to buy a tire I can't just not turn in rent money for the month. Or if after I already pay them money I can't be like, oh well can I get $20 back cuz I need cigarettes(he's done both of these to me). ANd I said it's bullshit. Which it is! So he went to bed without saying anything else and I slept on the recliner, didn't go to sleep til after midnight and woke up with puffy eyes. I woke up once in the middle of the night and asked L what she was doing up...I saw her!! Then in the blink of an eye she was gone. I was hallucinating or something, it was very weird though!!! So that was my day yesterday. Today D has texted me on his break and lunch hour, but we haven't discussed last night..he asked if I meant what I said and I told him I didn't know, but what I do know is that I am not happy with the way things are. He said I should talk to him about it instead of just getting mad. HOw can I talk to him though when he never ever communicates with me? I dunno. The whole thing is just insane and half of me wonders if I blew up like that because of the whole chris thing. THe way I cried last night, stomache ache and all, was how I felt the whole pregnancy with L. Chris always gave me that stomache ache and it was back in full force last night. IT's the stomache ache where you are crying so hard it hurts. I hate it. I'm kind of at a loss right now at what to do with D. He has no where to go if I actually kicked him out so I hate to do that, but I'm not happy with the living arrangements. I got myself in to this mess though. I hope he will talk to me tonight and we can get something resolved. I really did not think that something like mail could set me off like it did, but wow, those were some heavy peices of mail I guess! to be continued I guess.