a good day in court

I had court this morning with Chris in regards to his child support. He had requested back in April that his CS was reduced. So we had a hearing in June and the mediator person at that time wanted to reduce his CS by more than half! I disagreed to that and so it was then postponed to today for a hearing in front of the judge. Well, before going to the judge we met for another mediation. This time I had my lawyer with me thankfully because things seemed to go so much more smooth. They basically ate him alive asking him why he wasn't working 2 jobs. Currently he's working at fed ex for 20 hours a week, which he failed to report to the courts until today. The decision, which Chris agreed to, was to keep the support where it's at. I won. He's pissed. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but I don't feel sorry for him one bit. just wonder what he is going to do next. The guy told him he's going to be starting to take the CS out of his paychecks, which will be more than 50% of his net pay. hooray. Maybe this will motivate him to get a better paying job or perhaps a second job. My lawyer is awesome! She said something along the lines of, well Jill would love to be able to go to a 20 hour per week job but she can't because she has to take care of her children. The mediator guy was great too and was lecturing Chris on income and what he needs and should be doing to provide for his child. loved it. At least something with this whole situation has finally gone my way. I needed this. Maybe this is what I needed to be a little more friendly at the supervised visits..we'll see how this week goes.

visit #3

Last night was the 3rd visit. L still clung to me in the beginning. The lady let me walk back there with them so that was good. She wouldn't let go so I just stood there with her in an awkward silence. The lady finally said, 'I think you need to help her to get down, Jill'. So I did, but was thinking, why was Chris just standing there, he could have helped to entice her to play with him. But whatever. He held the door open for us and when I didn't say anything he said sarcastically, "your welcome!" Ok, I probably should have said thank you but I have the attitude of, I don't owe you any thanks. Which I know is something I REALLY need to work on. I need to realize that this might be a positive thing for L and she needs to know who her real dad is, even if he is a pos. I need to realize that I made a baby with him and now I will forever be tied to him and yeah it sucks, but at least I still have L out of the deal. I did bad again last night and no matter how I tried to tell myself these things I still could not make eye contact, still could not say a word to him, still had so much hate. I sat in the lobby doing some unrelated paperwork to keep my mind off of where I actually was. When it was over, on the drive home, I cried again. Mainly I started crying because I called my mom afterward and told her about how I didn't say thank you to him and she bitched me out saying I should have and blah blah blah. I really did not need to hear that at that time. This is already hard enough for me. L doesn't say anything about any of it, and I'm not going to probe her. I just hope that this is positive for her and that she is enjoying it. If she is happy then I can somehow manage to be fake happy. I just am not sure because she never says a thing. Chris stayed back with the lady after we left, I am curious what they talked about but my guess is he was asking her if next week would be the last visit. The recomendation was to have him do 4-6 visits and the lady told me the first day that we would be doing 6. So I hope he didn't get the answer he was looking for. If that's even what was being said. I dont' know anything about any of this and that just makes me really mad too. This is my daughter and I don't know what's going on behind closed doors. I'm not sure how closely he's being supervised. I just feel so out of control and I hate this feeling. I'm thinking of moving. I can't move out of state because for some reason he now has rights and can stop me from doing so. gotta love the system! But I CAN move several hours away from him ass. I want to go back to college anyway and the one I would go to is about an hour away. I feel like getting away would solve this, I know it won't but I can dream I guess.

supervised sad

The 2nd supervised visit went worse. For me anyway. L did better, she was a little frightened at first, but then wanted to play with the toys in the room and did fine. The lady told me to go ahead out to the waiting room and that she'd be in her office. While I was sitting out there, i got to thinking, if she's in her office across the hall from the play room, then who is supervising this visit?? So I walked back there again and she was on the phone! while Chris and L were in the other room across the hall! It was nuts. So I stayed outside the door listening to them while I was waiting for this lady to get off the phone so I could ask her what was up. There was a younger girl kinda standing outside of her office also. So As I'm listening I hear Chris interacting with L and he's being stern with her and making her pick up her toys..I felt like going in there and telling him to shut up. He has no right to be stern with MY daughter. blech. Anyway, she gets off the phone and I ask her what exactly they do. The younger girl interrupts and says she was supervising while the lady was on the phone. um. Are you even certified? I don't think this lady is either. She said they are just contracted out by the courts and normally don't even do this type of thing. They are regularly an adoption center! So they aren't even licensed to do this? I dunno the whole thing seems dumb. I feel no justice. I feel let down by the us government. I feel so out of control and frusterated and I honestly think this is making me depressed. I am so. sad right now and just drag about my days. I was happy and peaceful at home and now I just sit there at night and mope. I know I should not let him ruin my life and I should be above it. But how? When I have to do things by the courts that I should not have to be doing. I've been doing everything right. I've been raising my baby for the past almost 4 years solely on my own and now they are saying that I may have to share this right? WHY? I do not get it! All he has is her blood, what the fuck? Ok I'm mad. I know. Anyway, so she says that she is going to pull her chair in the hallway and observe and as long as she can hear and see what is going on then all is well. Ok whatever. So I go back to the lobby and cry the remainder of the session, but I did make sure to go to the bathroom before I saw him to make sure I had no evidence of crying. L asked me to help her with the drinking fountain as we were leaving and So Chris held out this peice of paper as if he was going to help L and wanted me to hold the paper. I just walked right by him and helped her myself. I didn't/couldn't look at him, acknowledge him, anything. I have so much hatred for him. I have never felt this feeling in my gut so strongly before. I don't know how to let go. I can't let go. I feel like I have messed up my daughter's life. I wish I could have given her a different father. I feel like I've let her down somehow. Anyway, so we leave and that was the end of the visit. She then started talking about Dan..then says, I mean Chris. She doesn't even know his name! How can 6 supervised visits of 1 hour incriments be anything to give him rights to start seeing her on a regular basis? I just don't get it. It gives me such a headache to even think about it. I need to ask my dr about antidepressants though because I can feel myself sinking. and fast. D has been good, but I've been a complete bitch to him. I barely will talk to him and and so short with him. He mowed my grass yesterday and I haven't said thank you yet. He asks what's wrong and that he wants to go with me to a visit with Chris to be there for me. He feels bad about all of this, but really he can't help me. No one can. I have to somehow get through this on my own. Figure out a way to deal with it. My dad is still in Greece visiting his new facebook girlfriend. sigh. He usually is with me during the Chris stuff and helping me out. I need to actually talk to Chris and try to be amicable. Let him know that this is not upsetting me and that Im fine with it. I can't and will not give him the satisfaction of knowing this whole thing is pissing me off and what he has done has worked. But I can't even put on a front for him yet. I'm still too mad. Maybe in 2 weeks when my dad is back he can come with me and somehow this will get easier. My mom has nothing to do with the situation and doesn't help me with it. She doesn't want to be involved. She says it's too much for her to deal with and she's already depressed and can't handle it. So she stays away from it. It's hard for her to deal with to, but I wish she'd be there for me. oh well. lunch time.

I don't know the words to say here

I can't even explain the feelings I felt having to take L to the supervised visit last Thursday. It was a horrible nightmare, yet, I was calm and cool on the outside, I was screaming and hot on the inside. We get there and he is already there. We go back to the little room and she is clinging to me tight. She whispers something and I bend over and she says, "I don't want to play with my dad." So I end up able to sit there in the doorway with her inches from me. Then he says to me, "You need to write down things she likes to do and eat so that way when I start taking her I'll know." That was bold. I just said okay. She kept clinging to me for about the first 15-20 minutes of the visit and the lady supervising told me that honestly this is only the 2nd time she has ever seen that happen! I had prepared L for the visit, but not a few days before or anything, I told her that day. She is the type to get overanxious for things so telling her a few days in advanced seemed pointless. She was excited when we were at home, she was so excited to see her dad and "he will have candy for me" " I want to wear my sparkly shoes for my dad" It was so sad to see him standing there pathetic as usual with nothing to offer my daughter. He didn't entice her at all to play, he just sat there. The lady had to keep saying things like, don't you want to play with your dad, look at the toys, blah blah. I felt like I was on some crazy episode of I don't know what. Just felt so out of ordinary. We have to go again this week. By the end of the visit L had warmed up to him and even hugged him goodbye. The lady told Chris he could bring something for her next time if he wants. We'll see. We are doing this 6 times and then he has to take a parenting class and after he completes that then the custody gets reviewed. I've hired a lawyer. In regards to child support I will be winning the case with that. We go before a judge August 10th and my lawyer is very confidant that I will win. In fact, when she ran the numbers, he should actually be paying me more than he already is. So that was good news. She didn't have good news in regards to custody and all we can do is hope he messes up. But at this point I'm assuming that he's going to follow through with all this bs and that it's going to be a fight. I'm not going to be going in blind to this fight that's for sure. My lawyer is the best lawyer in town and mommy and daddy are paying for it for me. I have no shame in that. I'm just so grateful they are on my side with all of this. L hasn't said anything more about Chris since seeing him. She never talks about him. I will tell her again tomorrow that we will be seeing him. I wonder how tomorrows visit will go. sigh. Things with D are going great. He's been such a gem. We get along so wonderfully now that he isn't living there. I feel so liberated and it's a wonderful thing to be in control of my domain again. He is over quite often to help out or just to see the kids. Tonight he's coming over with a movie he rented that I wanted to see. He hasn't given me any money since about 2 weeks before he moved out so I went ahead and filed for child support. I need it. L had the stomache flu on Saturday so of course I came down with it on Monday. I was out of commision and so it was nice to have D there to step in. He even spent the night to take care of baby J during the night time. I really do appreciate the help he's been giving and just how nice he's been. It's so refreshing. Baby boy is doing good. I just started feeling him move around and i'll be 21 weeks on Friday. Although I'm wondering if it's just gas. This baby never moves! I haven't really had any cravings this time around, or any symptoms really other than the growing tummy. I'm calling a new Dr this afternoon to see if they will take me mid-pregnancy. I really dislike the current practice I go to and I've been there through all 3 pregnancies, I always meant to change Dr's but I just never found the time and lately I'm fed up with my treatment so I'm going to explore my options. Lately things have seemed so peaceful and just go-with-the-flow. Life is good. The only stressor in my life right now is Chris and his impact on L. Other than that, things are fine. No complaints. Am I setting myself up by actually typing these positive things? Or can I truly just be at a content place right now with no reprecussions?

war and peace

So peaceful. Lately things are doing good in regards to the pregnancy, D. He is all moved out except for a few items which I have boxed up and in the laundry room. I have the greatest friend ever. She is someone I rarely see, but she always seems to be there in my time of need. She came for the entire weekend last weekend. She mopped my kitchen, helped with the carpet scrubbing, helped with the organizing. My house feels like mine again and I really have her to thank. I would have never been motivated to do it all if it wasn't for her. I'm so grateful. I love my house right now. I have it the way I want it, the way it should have been from the beginning. He really had a lot of shit in my house! It feels good to be free of it. We are getting along better than ever. He's been coming over quite regularly. Mowed my grass. Still has not given me any money in a month. But at least being there for us. We have been nice to eachother and I love it. If I want him to leave and go home, I ask him to, it's wonderful. So far so good. Step by step. Next Thursday will be L's first supervised visit with Chris. I'm nervous for her. Yesterday I was showing her her baby book. We came across a picture of Chris and I and she asks, "who's that guy?" so I tell her that it's her dad Chris and she says, "Christa??" which is the name of my dad's xgirlfriend. Wow. She doesn't even remember Chris, or if she does it's vague. I feel so bad. I wonder how the observing parenting time will go. How she will act/react? or him too..he's so terrible when it's me with her and him, he ignores her and barely talks to her, I can't even imagine how he will interact with her one on one! I won't know because I can't be in the room. That makes me sad. I hope she does okay, I'm super nervous. I HATE that this is happening. And what is it happening for? He doesn't all of a sudden care, because if he did he'd be calling me and wanting to see her more. I just don't get it. Is he doing it just to make my life a living hell since he all of a sudden has to pay child support? makes me want to puke just thinking about it. gr.

It's a BOY

I found out yesterday I'm having a boy. It's a strange feeling. Never would have guessed it. I was in shock for a bit. When she told me I blurted out, "It's a BOY?" then I started bawling, it was an emotion I had never felt before, it was a happy cry. The nurse was saying, "oh don't worry you will get used to it." I had to explain to her it was a happy cry. I'm going to have a son. I'm so excited! and ready to go shopping! I will be 19 weeks tomorrow, time seems to be flying by. No wonder it's a boy, I haven't been sick at all this entire pregnancy. I have no symptoms of pregnancy, can't even feel baby moving yet! My office finally found out yesterday too. I told one person, because they asked me, and now everyone knows...they love to talk around here. I don't mind though since now I can wear my maternity clothes proudly, instead of trying to cover it up. D is now gone. His stuff, however, is not. He took his dresser and some things. but the majority of it is still laying around. Not to mention his hideous pink recliner. He said I can just throw it out, well thanks now I have to find someone to haul it to a dumpster. ugh. He's staying with his aunt for now and apparently will be getting a storage unit soon and wants me to hold on to all his stuff until then. I told him to put it all in the shed, I do not want all his crap in my house! But he is being good about everything and we have been very civilized. Not at all how it played out when Chris moved out. We are actually staying friends and don't hate eachother. I'm kind of loving it. I hope it can stay this way!!! Speaking of Chris. I got a phone call from child services yesterday stating that Chris has moved back to the state and wants to set up his supervised visits now. I tried calling them back but haven't gotten to speak with them yet. I'm just in shock that they are letting him do this now. He's not going to just silently go away like I had hoped. I don't know for sure if he's going to follow through on all this bs, but the point is, he's throwing L for a loop because he hasn't been around since March and now is popping back up. L doesn't bring him up. ever. In fact, she thinks my dad is her dad. I detest that Chris is such a half-assed dad. I don't want that for L at all and I don't think it's fair that I have to cooperate with it because the stupid state is making me. What happened to this being a free country. ugh. I digress. But I know in the long run this isn't about me, it's about L and her dad. But come on, this state allows drug dealing criminals get partial custody of their children, I have no fight here, I'm doomed to send L off with this asshole at some point and that scares the shit out of me. Just thinking about her with him alone scares me. I hate that he keeps haunting me.

we have a date(ish)

He finally gave me a rough estimate of when he is moving out. The week after the 4th of July. So this must mean that he has finally found somewhere to move. Now if he actually goes I will be thrilled. I have this terrible feeling though that he won't. We'll see. And if not, then I'm threatening him with court. So we'll see. I'm trying to stay civilized and friendly so that he will go peacefully. He has his daughter and sister still there so we are at my mom's house still, I hate it. I am enjoying staying with my mom, but I hate living out of a bag and feeling so uprooted. So violated. He keeps bugging me to bring L over so that she can play with A. He's being kind of obsessed with it. I don't know why it's such a big deal. HE can play with A, it's his daughter after all. This whole time I feel like I was being used. Used for a place him and his crap can dwell. A place for his daughter to go and have a babysitter, yes, I feel he used L as a babysitter so he didn't have to deal with her. L acts more grown up than his 7 year old as sad as that is. I'm so stupid because I did this same exact thing with Chris only 4 years ago. Why am I so gullible? Such a pushover? I need to work on this. I remember getting angry a while back when there was a post on the Babycenter website from someone saying that they think if you are a single mom you should not date until your child is 18. Honestly, I'm going to go that route this time. I don't need a man in my life. Just my kids. That is what makes me the happiest. I know people probably say this all the time and then end up meeting someone, but I'm really going to try and hold off on my love life until L is 18. I don't need the drama in my life, or the confusion of it all in my kid's lives. I already have 2 a-holes to deal with now, I do not need to add aything else to the pot. My mom's boyfriend threw L in the pool the other day. He was drunk and thought it would be funny to throw a 3 year old in the pool! I just remember running to him screaming, "She can't swim!!". What an IDIOT! I was soooooo beyond pissed off. She struggled twice to get to the surface and finally he pulled her out. She was crying so hard and he was all like, I got her..finally I yelled, "Give her to me". My mom kicked him out of her house. She couldn't even speak to him she was so livid. Now L keeps talking about it and how wrong it was of him to do that. Awe. Poor baby. At least she went back in the pool that day, I was so afraid it would make her afraid of water now. So far my mom and him have not spoken, he did call me and apologize the next day. hm. unforgiveable if you ask me. I can't trust him around my kids that's for damn sure. I find out what I'm having on July 8th! Less than 2 weeks. It doesn't even seem real yet. I honestly hope I can find the strength to raise these 3 babies on my own. It's a scarey thought. Not as scarey as doing it with D though so that is how and why I know I'm making the very best decision for me and my family. My best friend Stacie is also pregnant, about 7 weeks. I think she got pregnant just because I am. She has wanted a baby forever. So she met a guy( a married guy) and they decided to try for a baby. She got pregnant right away and now she's got a whole drama story for herself. He's got twins that are 2 and plus a 1 year old with his wife. Plus he's still living with his wife. Telling Stacie that he will help her out financially but other than that he will stay away. Then the next day calls her and tells her he is buying a house for them to start their family in. He was just in the mental institution last week for having suicidal thoughts and almost acting on them, per his wife. Speaking of his wife, she keeps threatening to kick Stacie's ass and keeps stalking her. What an idiot for him to tell his wife where she lives! hmm what else? She's really got herself in to a not so great situation here and in a way I feel sorry for her but in another way I don't. She wanted this and she went out and got it. I keep telling her to just drop him and she can take care of this baby on her own. I guess we shall see. It's just a soap opera around here lately. Stacie is really not like this at all. She is a very grounded, solid person. She always does everything right and is not a bad seed at all. I don't know where this is all coming from with her. That's all I have right now. Chris has not contacted us at all as of now.