updates

Just want to update on the hearing with Chris and all the bullshit to follow. He showed up. Of course he did! He requested that his child support be reduced because he quit his job so he could go and get his GED in PA. WTF? I wish I could quit my job and go to school, but guess what? I can't because I need to actually support my kids. Not to mention a LOT of my clients work 40 hours during the week and then surprise! go to school in the evenings! It can be done! What a loser that he quit his job to do that. Then in his letter he put that he needs money for traveling back and forth to MI to see his daughter. Whatever, he hasn't even seen her since March and hasn't even contacted us since then either. Anyway, so I brought this all up to the lady conducting the hearing(not sure of her title, but I guess judge will do). I was on the phone for the hearing, because I requested that I do not miss any more work time for hearings since ya know, I am actually working. Oh, and not to mention also the fact that he hasn't even been paying child support for 1 year..it will be 1 year in Sept. and it was court ordered! If it hadn't been court ordered Chris would still have not paid me one cent. One little cool thing in regards to all of this is that I did receive all of his income tax money. That was a happy day. I bought L some more clothes and put $1000 in her bank account for college. I'm sure he was thrilled about that, and I'm sure that is what prompted him to write the court for a decrease in the support he is not paying me. I mentioned most of these things in the hearing. Especially about the fact that he hadn't paid me a cent for the first 3 years of her life and now he wants it reduced? The judge wanted to reduce it by more than half! Said that is what he can afford. It would have been $100/month if I would have agreed to that. Oh wow, a whole $100/month? Thanks! I respectfully objected and so Chris stated he wanted a date with a judge so now we will go in August before an actual judge to dispute this. I wonder if the judge will side with Chris. God I hope not. I have all my ducks in a row though so I really hope he sees my points. Anyway, so then a few days later I get a phone call from Chris. uhh yeah I want to see L today or tomorrow. I say, well I will be out of town this weekend, but tonight L will be with my dad maybe we can do something. Uh no I don't want to deal with you dad I would rather deal with you. Ok well then you are going to have to call me more in advanced notice because I go out of town a lot in the summer so I need to know in advance. Well, call me on Sunday and let me know if I can see her. No, why don't you call me, this is not on me nor my responsibility. It is too on you too, this works both ways you know? No I don't know, please explain how it's my resonsibility to set a time up betweeen you and L? You can call me. Okay if that's how you want to play it then fine, I will call you. hmm I never got a call. Typical I guess. Anyway, D is still in my house and I very much am patiently waiting for him to leave. I want my house back and this is not fair that he is being a slug and not moving out. I hate it. I am going to end up having to take it to the courts to have him evicted and I really do not want to go that route. I am staying with my mom right now because he has his daughter for 2 weeks and his sister because his sister is babysitting A for the full two weeks. I am at my wits end. He is staying in my house with all of his family something is not right with that picture. It's MY house. I own it. I want it back!!!!!!!! I want him and his shit out. NOW! He still thinks that we are going to miraculously get back together. He doesn't realize that I am totally over him and the whole relationship. He keeps saying shit like, I can't believe you want your family tore apart, and how can you be so selfish and you are just like every other woman taking the easy way out..blah blah blah. I'm really sick of dealing with it all. I just want it to go away. I want him to go away. I can't even say it enough. One day I will have peace. I hope. There is so much more, but I'm stressed out now.

stuff

The update on me is that there is no update. Lately, my life just feels blah. Not sure if it's hormones, stress, self-pity, all of the above? I feel not myself. I'm going to talk to my baby dr. about possibly getting on a mild anti-depressant. I am not sure if they can prescribe one or not, but I kind of hope so since I can't afford to go to a counselor right now. I just want my life back. I want to feel happy and not just get by each day. D is still living in my house. It is more like we are roomates, but honestly, I just want him gone. We have not been affectionate toward eachother in over a month. I told him the other day that right now I just don't love him anymore. I mentioned him moving out and seeing how that went, I told him that since I'm unhappy I'd like to see if he is the reason so perhaps he could move out for a while. He said he's not playing that game and if he leaves my house he lives the state. He said there is nothing here for him. I asked what about your kids? He just went outside and smoked and ignored me. I don't know what to think. I don't know what is going on. All I know is that he is still in my house and I'm still unhappy. Not sure what else to think. I got a letter in the mail from the courts that Chris is requesting to have his child support lowered. He hasn't even paid me a cent since January. I haven't even heard from him since the last visit, I think was in March? I got a nice letter from the custody people though that said that since he is living in PA right now that they will not move further with supervised visits or his father class until he moves back to the state. So now I get to go to court in June to discuss his child support payments again. Fun! He's already paying me(when I do get money) at the poverty level, so not sure how much lower it can get. what an asshole. I'm so happy I get to take more time off from work that I can't afford to go see his ugly face in court. My mom...she's being so cold to me! She is such a downer, I don't know how to react half the time. She says the most incessant things and then expects me to laugh or who knows what reaction she wants from me. I wonder sometimes if I need to distance myself from her based on the fact that she puts me in these terrible moods by her choice words. I talked to my best friend on the phone last night and told her finally that I was pregnant. I just started crying when talking about my mom and D. You know it's a good friend when you can cry to them. I haven't cried in a very long time. It just seems like everything is falling apart. I feel so low, yet, I don't want to play victim. I have my kids, my wonderful beautiful kids, and for that, it gives me a smile and sense of purpose. When I think about the other avenues of my life I just feel completely out of control. Work life = terrible. lots of drama going on, office is divided, 6 people got laid off including my friend. I'm lonely and waking up so damn early when I'm this exhausted is getting exhausting. One positive is that I did not get laid off. I am not telling them I'm pregnant because I'm terrified that if I do they will let me go. They did it when I was pregnant with L and who's to say they won't do it again? Love life = Non-existant. Besides my children and myself, there is no one else. I don't even want anyone else. I just want to be with my children. I don't know how to care for another adult, if that even makes sense. Social life = joke. Example - While talking to my best friend on the phone last night, L managed to wipe cheese from her handi-snack all over my TV screen, got J's powder can and spread powder all about in her and J's room and down the hallway, I guess she is used to having most of the attention at night and couldn't handle mommy being on the phone. Family life = my parents are ashamed of me and think I'm stupid and call me an idiot as often as they can. I can't even tell the rest of my family members because I feel so ashamed and I am literally the black sheep of the family because gasp! I am low income and have 2 kids with 2 different dads. It could be a lot worse, but my family is high society so this is why I feel this way. Health life = scarey. They say that I am high risk with this pregnancy and to expect to have my baby early. And she was not talking one month early, she said it could be 2 or 3 months early due to having the cervical surgery in Feb. They say they may have to stitch up my cervix if I start getting premature labor. I'm getting another echo done this week on my heart so that gets straightened out too. Last time it was all too inconclusive. I had my first u/s and the baby had a heart rate of 169 and all seemed fine. Due date is still 12/4. I have about a million and one more things on my mind, but I really should get to work.

space

He is starting to distance himself which is a wonderful thing in my book. Perhaps he is starting to realize that this isn't going to work and that the best thing is to be apart. I don't know. All I do know though is that my dad told me to stick it out with him for now. He honestly told me to just make him happy and comfortable. WTF? is all I have to say about that. I don't know what else to do right now, I'm actually at a place where I'm just avoiding the whole situation entirely. We have our small talk every night. Lately he's been going out every night to his cousin's house and leaving me to get everyone in bed, then he comes home at 9 once the house is settled. We start a movie and I fall asleep before the opening credits are gone. My friend told me that living without him, I already know how, it's just getting him out now that is the dilema. I know I'm a strong enough mama to do this w/out him, I know that being with him is more unhealthy than not. I am so afraid of the future and what is to come. I guess all I can do right now is find inner peace. I can honestly say that right now I hate the place that I have put me and my children in and I can only hope that by December I am in a much different place. My kids do not deserve it. Neither do I.

I need help

Well, my mom started talking to me again. She called me an idiot, gave me a hug and now she's been calling me daily again with her paranoias that i've missed. The most recent is she called my brother and I to tell us to stock up on soup, bottled water, etc incase the Swine flu comes here. She said she started seeing a psychologist and that it's been helping! Thank you mom, I've only been telling you to go to one for the past 3 years, I'm so happy she finally made that step!! I guess I gave her that push :) . Things with D are grim. I'm not happy, and I guess I pretty much knew that all along, I think I'm just that stupid girl that was believing that he could actually change. I really want/need him to move out, but I have no idea how to go about it. I tell him to get out, and he freaks out on me, I tell him to get out, and he says no. I tell him to get out and he threatens to take the baby. I tell him to get out and he starts throwing shit. I'm scared to tell him to get out. I don't know how to do it. I need help! I can honestly tell myself right now today that I do not love him anymore. Having him out of our lives would be the healthiest thing. Then there is the whole, oh my God I can't be a burden on my mother, yet how am I possibly going to do this alone? I'm at a spot right now where I have no clue what to do. I am not in love anymore and want him out of my house. I'm knocked up with my 3rd child and barely get by with the 2 I have. How will I financially be able to do this? I will I mentally be able to do this? Man, this is tough. I know Idon't want to live with him anymore, but I need to figure out how to get him and his shit out my house first of all, and second of all, I need to figure out how I'm gonna do this. I don't even know where to begin. I called my dad this morning to tell him, but he didn't answer either time I called. I don't know what he can do to help me anyway. Maybe he could be there while I tell D how I feel? I just don't know. I'm lost.

8 weeks tomorrow

I can't believe I will be 8 weeks tomorrow, it's going by super fast. I just decided to call my Dr today to set up my first appt. They scheduled it for May 13th and they will be doing paperwork, pap smear and an ultrasound. I have that day off from work already because it's my birthday! I try and take my b-day off every year. I haven't told work yet and don't think I will for another month or however long I can hide it. It's strange this time because I don't have any morning sickness at all. I had it so bad with J. I am actually quite surprised at how normal and not pregnant I feel. My mom still hasn't talked to me. She emailed me wondering how L was doing. She sometimes seems to forget that I have a younger daughter, too. I guess it's that first grandchild thing. So at least she remembered that I am alive, but still have not talked to her other than the brief email. I hate it. Starting to wonder though if I should just cut ties with her, since she has such strong hateful feelings toward me right now, makes me wonder when she stopped loving me. I don't really have much on my mind right now other than my mom and how cold and absent she is being right now. It's basically consuming my thoughts right now.

EDD 12/4/09

Why am I sad about this subject? I'm sad not because I'm pregnant. I am up for that challenge and know that this is out of my hands, and in regards to the news, I am happy. It's not the best timing, but the way I see it, in my life there will never be a perfect time to have a baby, so why not now. I'm sad though, because my mom is not supporting me at all again. She actually emailed me this morning and told me I'm being selfish for having it. She is PRO abortion and I'm really starting to wonder if she's had one in the past. I am pro life, and she knows my stance on the subject. She still had the audacity to email me and tell me to have an abortion and not to ruin the future of my 2 girls. It really stings. hurts. My heart is aching. All I want is for my mom to be there for me, to hug me and tell me that everything will be okay, and that she loves me and supports my decisions. I know for a fact, that if one of my girls were in the same situation, and I didn't like their partner, I would still hug them and love them for who they are and their life choices. I will not be cold and absent in my children's lives unless they were to (heaven forbid) physically harm somebody or kill. But I guess that's the difference between my mom and I. D and I haven't really discussed this whole situation. We are actually kind of on the outs and this time it's because of something I did, and I feel horrible but there is nothing I can do to change the past. I was venting to my friend through emails. Keep in mind, this friend is someone who we only email, we don't hang out or ever see eachother. So I feel like I can tell her private things and know they will stop at her and she will give me advice on how to handle the matters we discuss. Easter was very stressful at my house with having D's daughter, A there. I expressed my frustrations to my friend through email and said some pretty harsh things in regards to A. Told her all of my frustrations and then some, I didn't hold back. I also made mention of D not having a job right now, and was telling her that maybe I should just break up with him so I could be rid of A. Things like that. Not pleasant. Not who I am at all. Why I feel the way I feel about A I will never know, I hate myself for it and I really try to change. She was helping me out with this by offering advice and helping me try and figure out the root of the problem, etc. So we had emailed maybe 3 or 4 times in the past few days about this matter. D had my i-pod touch at the house playing a game he really likes, so I let him keep it at home while I was at work. I noticed in my yahoo sent messeges box that there were 3 or 4 emails forwarded to D. I was just thinking, I didn't forward him anything? So I clicked on them and they said, this messege was sent from your i-pod, and they were all the emails that I had been emailing with my friend! On my i-pod, all you have to do is touch e-mail and it goes right to my yahoo inbox, you don't need a password or anything. So he was being nosy and reading all my emails, found these, and for some reason felt the need to send them to himself. I am angry at him for invading my privacy, but my anger does not defeat my humiliation. I don't even know how to face him. I called him right away and told him that I saw he read my emails. He admitted it. He started crying on the phone and didn't even stay the night with me. I dont even know what to say to him. I told him that sometimes girls vent and get out what they need to say and then it's done. It was more like a diary because it's someone I write to in confidence. I really hate myself for what I said, I shouldn't have. I have been told never to put in writing something you don't want anyone else to see, and I did it and regret it. We still haven't talked and it's been 2 days. I know we will talk again. We HAVE to. He knows that I'm pregnant and he seems happy about it, doesn't seem to worry him at all. I will probably end up quitting my job when baby comes and he will just work 2 jobs, we may have to relocate to allow him to find work. But I can not work and take care of a household, I know it's not in me and I would crumble. So I will stay home for a couple years until things settle down. This was the advice of my dad. He said this is the only choice we have really. He said all he's worried about is helping to pick out a name. I'm glad one of my parents is being great. I know D and I are not in a solid relationship right now and that is one thing that scares me. But I am going to suck it up and just live my life totally for my children now. We can make this work and I know we can be happy. I will not have it any other way. I am going to do a damn good job with my kids, this is not optional. D better be on board with me, but I have hope that he is. That's all for now...

note

Family services called a couple days ago and said we were going to set up the court ordered supervised visits. I told them I hadn't heard from Chris in about 4 weeks. Then she said Mondays or Thursdays so I agreed to Thursday evenings from 6-7PM. She said she would call Chris and call me back to let me know. She calls back not even 2 minutes later. " The number Chris had given us has been disconnected, so now this will go back to the court and it will be up to them to contact him and then contact me again, so you may not be hearing from me for a while." All I could do was laugh. So like him. He seriously has not called us again since our last visit on 3/24. I just wonder what he is thinking sometimes, but usually I don't.