new year. same stuff.

Well, so far 2009 is not really how I imagined it to be, but I can't complain. I really have quite a few things that I would like to accomplish this year. The first one being, LOSE WEIGHT. I am gaining so much weight and I know it's my own fault. I'm going to by a scale with my next paycheck so that I can start keeping track. I gain weight extremely fast and lose weight extremely slow. I am guessing I am about 215lbs right now just based on how I feel. yuck. I have an eating problem, I like to do it. I can't eat small portions. I binge. I eat at night. I eat when I'm bored. The only time I don't eat, is at work, since I can restrict what I bring in. I have no time to exercise. I need to find some time to squeeze something in, whether it is just a walk around my block or something. I don't have any time after work right now since J doesn't go to sleep until 11-12am and by that time I'm overexhausted and pass out. It would be fine if she was awake and sitting happily in her swing or bouncer, but nope. She needs to be held constantly or else she is screaming. Being held for her does not mean sitting still either, she wants to be standing up or moving around, she is full of motion. I could wake up early to exercise, but I already awake at 5:30am and after going to bed at midnight, that is the absolute latest I can wake up and still make it on time for work. So for sure once spring starts to arrive we will be walking here at work again 20-30 minutes a day so I will at least have that going for me, but in the meantime I need to get moving. I plan to lose at least 40lbs this year. I can do this. The other thing I need to accomplish this year is to GET ORGANIZED. I bought a planner so that will help a little bit. I forget everything unless I write it down. I will go to the store and literally forgot why I was there unless it's written down. I'm a scatterbrain, I will admit it. I need to organize my house too. I got some shelves to help me do this. This is something that I think can actually be accomplished. Thirdly is that I need to get a handle on my STRESS in my life and start taking charge. I need to relax and stop taking things out on other people, especially L. BE NICE. I also need to be nicer to A(d's daughter). I hate the fact that I do not like her and I need to find some way to find peace with it and move on and just love her like my own, but right now I am finding that so difficult. I guess that is it for now. I have a lot of faults and I really need to find a way to correct them. My money situation right now is actually not a stress in my life for once in my life so that makes me happy. I also have no health issues that I know of at the moment. Although I do have that surgery coming up whenever my insurance gets straitened out and I need my thyroid to be taken care of also. I stopped taking that medication when J was born and I can really tell a difference. My insurance is not effective yet even though they are taking it out of my paychecks. Nothing seems to ever go right for me when it comes to paperwork, although there I go again sounding like a victim of life. I need to stop that. I have only received 2 payments from Chris for child support for L. He has no job and I guess he broke up with his fiance. My dad took L to go and see Chris this past weekend and I did not attend. My dad also took his 19 year old girlfriend with him and she was giving Chris the 3rd degree I guess. Asking him tons of questions, for example, what are your intentions with L, do you smoke in your house and car? you just started seeing L, why is that? Where have you been? He answered that he intends to start taking L every other weekend and he doesn't want to have to see it go to court. He blamed me for everything, as usual and said it was stubborness on both sides as to why he hasn't been around. Yeah I guess I was being stubborn in that I did nothing? Who knows. He is such slime. Dad's girlfriend called him a scumbag. I really know how to pickem I guess. Although L came out of it, so I can be thankful for that much! Chris said he will call me as to where we are meeting next time. We've been meeting in the same spot for the past 5 weeks now, but whatever. I wonder if he will disappear again? I can only hope that he steps up to the plate, but so far, he's the same ol' Chris and up to his same ol' tricks. He never did bring L a Christmas present. Talk about father of the year. D has been okay. I get upset over stupid things, but I think they are legit. I need to stop bitching so much, but it really has been coming naturally for me. I miss romance. I miss the feelings that I had for him in the past. Now I just want to make it through the day without jabbing him in the eye with a fork. Ok I am exaggerating, but seriously, the romance has left the building. He still will stop to hug me and he pays all sorts of attention to me, but I don't act the same way, I am being standoff-ish and I don't like it. I want to be the same, but it's hard when all I do is go to work and then work even harder when I get home. I am having a hard time pushing myself through the days. I need change. From the moment I wake up I am go go go. I look forward to my 10 minutes in the morning to drink my coffee just because it's quiet. And that's only if L didn't hear me wake up. She has been coming in to our room and sleeping on the floor so I pretty much step on her every morning. Work is also my quiet time. Which is sad. I do understand that I had kids so I chose this life path, but it just seems like something is missing or maybe I am just not getting the help that I so desperately need from D. My mom does nothing for us anymore. I think it is her bf or maybe she just does not like D. I am not sure, but she is so extremely distant and has told me repeatedly that she will not babysit both of them at the same time, ever. thanks mom! My dad has been a lifesavor and even offered to babysit for us on NYE. We already had plans to have a couple friends to our house to play board games so we didn't need him, but still that was very awesome for him to offer like that. I can't' say my mom does nothing because she does help me out with stuff if I need help financially, I really appreciate that but I also need emotional support and she offers none. She is so cold to me these days, unless it pertains to L. My favorite aunt in the world has also given me the cold shoulder lately. Seems like ever since I have been with D she has disappeared out of my life. We used to be so close and I have tried numerous times to stay close to her and she keep pushing. I hate it and it makes me feel so alone. Then D trys but does not give me the help I need so it makes me feel like I'm drowning. I get home from work and am literally on my feet until I go to sleep, all the while D is sitting his ass on the recliner playing his xbox. Makes me want to throw up half the time because I'm so pissed off. He will hold J once in a while and make funny faces at her and play with her, but he doesn't do any of the work. I'm just the feeding tube for J and I feel like I am not getting to connect with her as I did with L. My mom helped me so much more when I was living at her house with L. I see now how much she did to help us and now I'm getting that thrown in my face and it's really not fair to J or me. I want a vacation.