supervised sad

The 2nd supervised visit went worse. For me anyway. L did better, she was a little frightened at first, but then wanted to play with the toys in the room and did fine. The lady told me to go ahead out to the waiting room and that she'd be in her office. While I was sitting out there, i got to thinking, if she's in her office across the hall from the play room, then who is supervising this visit?? So I walked back there again and she was on the phone! while Chris and L were in the other room across the hall! It was nuts. So I stayed outside the door listening to them while I was waiting for this lady to get off the phone so I could ask her what was up. There was a younger girl kinda standing outside of her office also. So As I'm listening I hear Chris interacting with L and he's being stern with her and making her pick up her toys..I felt like going in there and telling him to shut up. He has no right to be stern with MY daughter. blech. Anyway, she gets off the phone and I ask her what exactly they do. The younger girl interrupts and says she was supervising while the lady was on the phone. um. Are you even certified? I don't think this lady is either. She said they are just contracted out by the courts and normally don't even do this type of thing. They are regularly an adoption center! So they aren't even licensed to do this? I dunno the whole thing seems dumb. I feel no justice. I feel let down by the us government. I feel so out of control and frusterated and I honestly think this is making me depressed. I am so. sad right now and just drag about my days. I was happy and peaceful at home and now I just sit there at night and mope. I know I should not let him ruin my life and I should be above it. But how? When I have to do things by the courts that I should not have to be doing. I've been doing everything right. I've been raising my baby for the past almost 4 years solely on my own and now they are saying that I may have to share this right? WHY? I do not get it! All he has is her blood, what the fuck? Ok I'm mad. I know. Anyway, so she says that she is going to pull her chair in the hallway and observe and as long as she can hear and see what is going on then all is well. Ok whatever. So I go back to the lobby and cry the remainder of the session, but I did make sure to go to the bathroom before I saw him to make sure I had no evidence of crying. L asked me to help her with the drinking fountain as we were leaving and So Chris held out this peice of paper as if he was going to help L and wanted me to hold the paper. I just walked right by him and helped her myself. I didn't/couldn't look at him, acknowledge him, anything. I have so much hatred for him. I have never felt this feeling in my gut so strongly before. I don't know how to let go. I can't let go. I feel like I have messed up my daughter's life. I wish I could have given her a different father. I feel like I've let her down somehow. Anyway, so we leave and that was the end of the visit. She then started talking about Dan..then says, I mean Chris. She doesn't even know his name! How can 6 supervised visits of 1 hour incriments be anything to give him rights to start seeing her on a regular basis? I just don't get it. It gives me such a headache to even think about it. I need to ask my dr about antidepressants though because I can feel myself sinking. and fast. D has been good, but I've been a complete bitch to him. I barely will talk to him and and so short with him. He mowed my grass yesterday and I haven't said thank you yet. He asks what's wrong and that he wants to go with me to a visit with Chris to be there for me. He feels bad about all of this, but really he can't help me. No one can. I have to somehow get through this on my own. Figure out a way to deal with it. My dad is still in Greece visiting his new facebook girlfriend. sigh. He usually is with me during the Chris stuff and helping me out. I need to actually talk to Chris and try to be amicable. Let him know that this is not upsetting me and that Im fine with it. I can't and will not give him the satisfaction of knowing this whole thing is pissing me off and what he has done has worked. But I can't even put on a front for him yet. I'm still too mad. Maybe in 2 weeks when my dad is back he can come with me and somehow this will get easier. My mom has nothing to do with the situation and doesn't help me with it. She doesn't want to be involved. She says it's too much for her to deal with and she's already depressed and can't handle it. So she stays away from it. It's hard for her to deal with to, but I wish she'd be there for me. oh well. lunch time.

I don't know the words to say here

I can't even explain the feelings I felt having to take L to the supervised visit last Thursday. It was a horrible nightmare, yet, I was calm and cool on the outside, I was screaming and hot on the inside. We get there and he is already there. We go back to the little room and she is clinging to me tight. She whispers something and I bend over and she says, "I don't want to play with my dad." So I end up able to sit there in the doorway with her inches from me. Then he says to me, "You need to write down things she likes to do and eat so that way when I start taking her I'll know." That was bold. I just said okay. She kept clinging to me for about the first 15-20 minutes of the visit and the lady supervising told me that honestly this is only the 2nd time she has ever seen that happen! I had prepared L for the visit, but not a few days before or anything, I told her that day. She is the type to get overanxious for things so telling her a few days in advanced seemed pointless. She was excited when we were at home, she was so excited to see her dad and "he will have candy for me" " I want to wear my sparkly shoes for my dad" It was so sad to see him standing there pathetic as usual with nothing to offer my daughter. He didn't entice her at all to play, he just sat there. The lady had to keep saying things like, don't you want to play with your dad, look at the toys, blah blah. I felt like I was on some crazy episode of I don't know what. Just felt so out of ordinary. We have to go again this week. By the end of the visit L had warmed up to him and even hugged him goodbye. The lady told Chris he could bring something for her next time if he wants. We'll see. We are doing this 6 times and then he has to take a parenting class and after he completes that then the custody gets reviewed. I've hired a lawyer. In regards to child support I will be winning the case with that. We go before a judge August 10th and my lawyer is very confidant that I will win. In fact, when she ran the numbers, he should actually be paying me more than he already is. So that was good news. She didn't have good news in regards to custody and all we can do is hope he messes up. But at this point I'm assuming that he's going to follow through with all this bs and that it's going to be a fight. I'm not going to be going in blind to this fight that's for sure. My lawyer is the best lawyer in town and mommy and daddy are paying for it for me. I have no shame in that. I'm just so grateful they are on my side with all of this. L hasn't said anything more about Chris since seeing him. She never talks about him. I will tell her again tomorrow that we will be seeing him. I wonder how tomorrows visit will go. sigh. Things with D are going great. He's been such a gem. We get along so wonderfully now that he isn't living there. I feel so liberated and it's a wonderful thing to be in control of my domain again. He is over quite often to help out or just to see the kids. Tonight he's coming over with a movie he rented that I wanted to see. He hasn't given me any money since about 2 weeks before he moved out so I went ahead and filed for child support. I need it. L had the stomache flu on Saturday so of course I came down with it on Monday. I was out of commision and so it was nice to have D there to step in. He even spent the night to take care of baby J during the night time. I really do appreciate the help he's been giving and just how nice he's been. It's so refreshing. Baby boy is doing good. I just started feeling him move around and i'll be 21 weeks on Friday. Although I'm wondering if it's just gas. This baby never moves! I haven't really had any cravings this time around, or any symptoms really other than the growing tummy. I'm calling a new Dr this afternoon to see if they will take me mid-pregnancy. I really dislike the current practice I go to and I've been there through all 3 pregnancies, I always meant to change Dr's but I just never found the time and lately I'm fed up with my treatment so I'm going to explore my options. Lately things have seemed so peaceful and just go-with-the-flow. Life is good. The only stressor in my life right now is Chris and his impact on L. Other than that, things are fine. No complaints. Am I setting myself up by actually typing these positive things? Or can I truly just be at a content place right now with no reprecussions?

war and peace

So peaceful. Lately things are doing good in regards to the pregnancy, D. He is all moved out except for a few items which I have boxed up and in the laundry room. I have the greatest friend ever. She is someone I rarely see, but she always seems to be there in my time of need. She came for the entire weekend last weekend. She mopped my kitchen, helped with the carpet scrubbing, helped with the organizing. My house feels like mine again and I really have her to thank. I would have never been motivated to do it all if it wasn't for her. I'm so grateful. I love my house right now. I have it the way I want it, the way it should have been from the beginning. He really had a lot of shit in my house! It feels good to be free of it. We are getting along better than ever. He's been coming over quite regularly. Mowed my grass. Still has not given me any money in a month. But at least being there for us. We have been nice to eachother and I love it. If I want him to leave and go home, I ask him to, it's wonderful. So far so good. Step by step. Next Thursday will be L's first supervised visit with Chris. I'm nervous for her. Yesterday I was showing her her baby book. We came across a picture of Chris and I and she asks, "who's that guy?" so I tell her that it's her dad Chris and she says, "Christa??" which is the name of my dad's xgirlfriend. Wow. She doesn't even remember Chris, or if she does it's vague. I feel so bad. I wonder how the observing parenting time will go. How she will act/react? or him too..he's so terrible when it's me with her and him, he ignores her and barely talks to her, I can't even imagine how he will interact with her one on one! I won't know because I can't be in the room. That makes me sad. I hope she does okay, I'm super nervous. I HATE that this is happening. And what is it happening for? He doesn't all of a sudden care, because if he did he'd be calling me and wanting to see her more. I just don't get it. Is he doing it just to make my life a living hell since he all of a sudden has to pay child support? makes me want to puke just thinking about it. gr.

It's a BOY

I found out yesterday I'm having a boy. It's a strange feeling. Never would have guessed it. I was in shock for a bit. When she told me I blurted out, "It's a BOY?" then I started bawling, it was an emotion I had never felt before, it was a happy cry. The nurse was saying, "oh don't worry you will get used to it." I had to explain to her it was a happy cry. I'm going to have a son. I'm so excited! and ready to go shopping! I will be 19 weeks tomorrow, time seems to be flying by. No wonder it's a boy, I haven't been sick at all this entire pregnancy. I have no symptoms of pregnancy, can't even feel baby moving yet! My office finally found out yesterday too. I told one person, because they asked me, and now everyone knows...they love to talk around here. I don't mind though since now I can wear my maternity clothes proudly, instead of trying to cover it up. D is now gone. His stuff, however, is not. He took his dresser and some things. but the majority of it is still laying around. Not to mention his hideous pink recliner. He said I can just throw it out, well thanks now I have to find someone to haul it to a dumpster. ugh. He's staying with his aunt for now and apparently will be getting a storage unit soon and wants me to hold on to all his stuff until then. I told him to put it all in the shed, I do not want all his crap in my house! But he is being good about everything and we have been very civilized. Not at all how it played out when Chris moved out. We are actually staying friends and don't hate eachother. I'm kind of loving it. I hope it can stay this way!!! Speaking of Chris. I got a phone call from child services yesterday stating that Chris has moved back to the state and wants to set up his supervised visits now. I tried calling them back but haven't gotten to speak with them yet. I'm just in shock that they are letting him do this now. He's not going to just silently go away like I had hoped. I don't know for sure if he's going to follow through on all this bs, but the point is, he's throwing L for a loop because he hasn't been around since March and now is popping back up. L doesn't bring him up. ever. In fact, she thinks my dad is her dad. I detest that Chris is such a half-assed dad. I don't want that for L at all and I don't think it's fair that I have to cooperate with it because the stupid state is making me. What happened to this being a free country. ugh. I digress. But I know in the long run this isn't about me, it's about L and her dad. But come on, this state allows drug dealing criminals get partial custody of their children, I have no fight here, I'm doomed to send L off with this asshole at some point and that scares the shit out of me. Just thinking about her with him alone scares me. I hate that he keeps haunting me.