My crazy emotions

Well, yesterday was the day when I had to meet Chris face to face again. It was tough, I'm not going to lie. Three years since that loser last saw his daughter, he's never even given us a cent, or a diaper for that matter, and here I am having to face him all because the government forced me to. I really hate how they say the gov't has no control over society because in fact, they do. I'm not even eligible for any kind of public assistance, but just because I applied they forced me in to this, I honestly didn't even have a choice, I just got a letter that said there was a hearing. The fact that this lady we met with yesterday was totally and completely on Chris' side did not help matters either. We arrived at the same time and had to sit in the lobby together, he kept whispering things to me such as, how are you doing? How is she doing? Which I replied with one word answers. Then he has the nerve to say: She must have grown! No shit dumbass! I didn't even reply, just shook my head. I couldn't even look him in the eye, I have so much hate for this person, I really think I may need help in this department. Anyway, we go in to this small room with the child support specialist ie: this lady that is on Chris' side. He has this act going that he is all father of the year. Says how he really has been meaning to give us money, etc etc..then the words that I never hoped I'd hear. When can I see her, I thought that this was what this meeting was about. No, this meeting was to get the child support payment established. Which it got established, then she kept reducing it for him after he would whine. I didn't say many words, I just sat there silently wishing I had strength. I was a woman of few words yesterday, and not sure if that helped me or not. I wanted to punch him in the face so many different times. Like when he said how he understands that having a baby is expensive. OR when he said he had no idea child care was so expensive. or when he said he could just take her during the day so I don't have to pay for day care. UGH. He did reveal that he has a fiance and that she has children, so I'm wondering if she is telling him what to say, it really was such an act. Then he said he realizes that if he gets a better paying job that he is willing to pay more, etc etc. They lowballed me for sure, I am getting crap for c.s. and ya know what? I don't even give a shit. I don't want his dirty money anyways, and that is exactly how I think of it. I'm getting it direct deposited in to L's bank account and not touching it, unless I get desperate and she needs new clothes or something and I just can't make ends meet then that would be the only way I would delve in to it. Otherwise, it's hers. So then the lady said that both parties need to agree on visitation - so I said I would be okay with meeting at a park or something so that he could meet her - even though just saying that had me swallowing my heart. We exchanged phone numbers and that was that. Nothing was forced custody wise, the paper says I have physical and sole custody of L. So that is one good thing. It's just this pitt in my stomache now. It literally hurts and my heart aches. I have no strength left and I just wish I would have done something differently. Gotten my Master's degree so that I could have a better paying job so I wouldn't of even had to apply for stupid assistance in the first place. If there was any way that I could have avoided yesterdays events I just wish I knew. It also stated I can not move out of state unless approved by the court. So I am hoping to find some kick ass job out of state, because that is one way that the court would approve it and that would get me the hell away from him. The hardest part yesterday is that D was/is out of town and can not be there for me. I got home and wanted to just break down and cry. But then decided he's not worth it. So I just sat there in silence for about an hour, then went and picked up L. D had to travel for work and will not be home until Wednesday late night :( I desperately just wanted to hold him. Seeing Chris just made me love D that much more. I would never replace L for the world, so I know that what I had to go through was worth it in the big picture, but sooo not worth it with how I am looking at it right now. He said something else like, yeah we can do supervised visits a couple of times before I start taking her. I just laughed under my breath. "start taking her" should not even be in his vocabulary. I will flee the country before he just starts taking her. Good God! So yes, I suppose I have some emotional baggage that goes along with this event, but he hasn't changed. People don't just change. His behavior and having to listen to his voice yesterday told me that he hasn't changed. I hate him. and hate him more for not just letting us go. I wish I knew the future and what is to come of all of this. It is too soon to tell, but this pit stomache is back and now it's here to stay. blah.

I'm hot. I'm tired. I'm READY!

Okay, I'm officially ready for my little girl to come out and meet the world. I'm done. I'm so tired of work, I'm tired of not being able to bend, I'm just plain tired. I know I will be even more tired once peanut arrives, but seriously my hips are killing me and I can hardly sleep as it is. I'd rather be comfortable and not getting any sleep than vice versa. ugh. Not to mention my feet are swollen and my hands and fingers. Even someone told me at work that my nose looked bigger. Not nice. I hate my job and can not wait to be done for 3 months, I think that is what I'm looking forward to the most. I just don't know how it's going to work out financially or how or if I'm going to still send L to daycare, but I'm hoping those answers will come to me while I'm off. At my appointment on Weds. They said I was less than 1 cm dialated and still thick, but very soft. So I'm assuming I have a ways to go yet. This coming Weds is my next appt and they are going to strip my membranes, so I have that to look forward to! Maybe this weekend it will happen naturally though? I hope so. Court is on Monday with Chris and I have major anxiety over this..it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. He had one of my ex friends, I lost quite a few friends after our break up, they all stayed friends with him, but he had one of them call one of my friends that actually stayed by my side, and was asking for my phone number for Chris because he really needs to talk to Jill. Well no shit he does, he wants to settle on some sort of child support before the court orders it. My friend was awesome though because she told the ex friend, well I don't feel comfortable giving out Jill's number but why don't you give me chris' and I can get it to her. YAY for friends! So my friend called to see if I wanted it since he was trying to get a hold of me, but I just said no thank you. Anyway, I bet he has to be worried too about what is going to happen. I wonder if he will even want to be in our child's life? I think that is something that is worrying me in the back of my mind. That he won't. The fact that he doesn't care. never did. It hurts me all over again to know he is like that. And deep down I know that I do want her to have her dad in her life, just wish it didn't have to be him that is for sure, but I know deep down that it is the right thing and that it could be a positive thing if he actually stepped up to the plate. But I have a feeling that he will not. He's a deadbeat loser and I feel awful that has to be that amazing Little girl's father. I can only hope that one day D decides to step up and be her real dad. I would love that. I know it's a huge thing to say or do though and I know in time he would like to because he has commented about it before. But probably a ways down the road yet. I'm going to go to court on Monday and just be confidant and say as minimal as possible. Look as good as I can. Get the child support monies in order and then bolt out of there so fast. I have to take time off from work for this so that is annoying also. Oh which reminds me I still haven't talked to my boss about that yet. This weekend D has A, but he's not getting her until tomorrow morning so that is kind of nice. She has another soccor game and it's in her home town so hes' just going to pick her up after the game. He wants me to go but it's during L's dance class so I don't think I will go. Even though my dad and his gf are coming up to take L to dance, I still maybe will want to sleep during that time. I can be selfish right now, correct? I am beyond ready to have this baby though. I feel like my due date has come and gone, even though it's not until next Saturday. My co-workers are so sweet. They had a luncheon today for me and probably 5 or 6 of them got me gifts! I was so shocked. One even hand made me a baby blankey, it is just adorable!! I really need to apologize to them for being a hormonal bitchy prego woman these past like 6 months :( D needs an apology too. As well as L. My patience is at a zero right now with her and I snap at her so quickly, it's not fair. Her and D are probably so ready for me to be done being pregnant. I can honestly say I didn't like myself much the past couple of months. I'm feeling better right now though, mainly because I know i'm close to the end. My car seat got installed, but it's really cock-eyed, I dunno how to fix it. Hopefully someone at work might be able to help me. I was going to have Stacie clean my house for $30 but I'm too cheap I guess because I decided against it, I might as well get my fat butt doing it myself. That's all for now I guess.

waiting......

Now is just the waiting game, waiting for baby to come out safe and sound. Everything I wanted done is done and that makes me very happy. The car seat needs to be installed, or base rather, but I'm not even worried about that, D could always do it even at the hospital. The base and car seat are at least in the vehicle. I've been having contractions pretty regularly now, but not any that are making me double over and nothing really on a schedule, so I'm pretty sure now that I will be making it to my due date, which I guess is not that big of a deal. I'm pretty at peace with the whole baby situation and just waiting patiently. D is being wonderful and he got a new job! yay! He started that on Friday and it's about 4-5 dollars more per hour than what he was making before so woo hoo, I am happy for him. He seems happier too. He's been helping me out a lot and I think realizing that I'm not making it up when I'm moaning and groaning all the time in the night and everything. Not to mention the fact that I'm humungous now!! Now on to the crappy news. I got a letter in the mail again from the child support people, and I have to go to court on September 15th for a hearing. I am not happy about this at all. It means I have to see Chris face to face and we have to figure out visitation. Which I find hilarious since he hasn't seen her in 3 years so not too sure what we are going to figure out, but visitation needs to be figured out before he starts paying child support or some bull shit like that. I'm going to suggest like 2 Saturdays a month under my terms, so we will meet at my mother's house or at the park on Saturday mornings. hopefully he agrees to this. I will not budge. Then on top of that, I'm due 5 days later and so I have to waddle my ass in to court and I will feel judged. I'm sure he knows that I'm prego just because news travels fast in my town, but I just would rather look a little better when seeing him, I'm sure any girl would feel the same way. I also need strength. He always had a way with me to not let me get my point across, or I could say what I was thinking, and I never could get 2 words in edgewise. I'm just scared I will agree to something out of stupidity or because of his stupid ways. I just need to breathe, I know, and let it all play out. I'm hoping he is as nervous as I am or more. Also, what if I have the baby before the court date, what if I can't make it? Is having a baby a good enough excuse not to show up to a court date? I have no clue. All I do know is that there is so much uncertainty and it's scaring the crap out of me. I wish I didn't have to deal with this, but alas, it's happening, and had I know it would happen, I would have filed right after she was born so I could have been collecting all along. But I didn't know, so whatever. no use dwelling on it now. In other news, L started dance classes this past weekend. Tumbling and ballet! It was great! She loves it and I'm so glad I put her in them because I think it's just what she needed. She's growing in to such a little person, it's so much fun watching her. I wish I could wrestle around with her more like I used to..oh well, soon enough I will be able to do that again! I really do miss my body. So I also found out that with D living in my home with me, now when I apply for gov't assistance I will be eligible for nada. :( This really sucks. I pretty much can't come back to my job this means. Since I'd be paying $1000/month for daycare and I can not do that on my own. Right now I pay $600 and I barely scrape by. Having 2 kids and me would have given me some govt asst. I think they would have helped with 70% of the day care bill - but now with D in the household it puts us at too high of an income, which is bs, I wish they calculated bills in to that equation, but I guess nothing in life is free egh? So I'm going to have to take a lower paying job closer to home so that we can get assistance..nice huh? and a bit ass backwards if you ask me, but oh well. Hey maybe I can land a higher paying job. But in Michigan's economy right now, ha ha that is the biggest joke. Anyways, the whole thing is just very frusterating to me and makes me head hurt. Work is having a party for me on Friday for the baby, I guess a sort of baby shower, just no presents, so that will be fun! I hate being the center of attention, but it will be nice! Baby needs to come soon though, I'm really burned out at work, I dread waking up in the morning these days.

September is here....

Well, the month is finally here. I will be having a baby this month and that scares me to death. I dont know which I am afraid of more. Labor or taking home a newborn? It's so much different this time though. I've been so relaxed throughout this pregnancy, except for my hormones going out of whack time to time, but my stress level is surprisingly a lot lower than when I was prego with L. I remember just being in knots that entire pregnancy and lots of yelling at non parent, etc. Oh, speaking of him, I got a letter in the mail that he did show up to meet with the child support specialist so now she has to set up a hearing for us to meet face to face. that is going to be one of the most difficult things I will have to do in a long while. Anyway, I also have help this time that is not my mother. Which is weird too. My mom is being weird too. She thought I was going to be staying with her the first couple weeks after I had the baby? Um, no. Why would I do that? I have a house. I have a bf that wants to be involoved! It's so so unlike last time I really don't understand it. Then she was like, 'and D can come and go as he pleases,, etc.' I wasn't mean about it but I did tell her that I would be more comfortable staying at my own house when everything is already all set up there, but that I'm hoping she comes over a lot. She seemed sad, but why the fuck did she think I'd be staying over there? who knows. Then last night she asked me if I wanted her to stay the night at the hospital with me. I just said, well let me talk to D and see what he is planning on doing, cuz if he wants to go home and sleep on our bed then yes I will have you stay. But it's almost as if she doesn't realize that D is in my life? It confuses me to no end. D and I have been getting along really well and he seems excited for the baby. He got a cell phone to take to work just incase I go in to labor. It's just a cheapy phone from Wal-mart that you can add minutes on yourself, but at least now I am not worried on how I will contact him! Last week at the Dr. I went in and they had to check me, my cervix was completely closed but yet I bled pretty bad. The midwife said she had to show me all the blood since it was such a significant amount..yuck..i regret looking. It was probably 5-6 tablespoons if I had to guess. She said it's because the cervix is so sensitive right now and wants to open up. She wasn't concerned so I guess I'm not either. Then today I had another appointment, since I go weekly now, but they didn't check me. I told her how I've swollen up a lot and feel very bloated and how I puked this morning too, but she said she was not concerned. I guess no cause for conccern again. Last night I had major contractions though, they were keeping me up all night. Then this morning. nothing. go figure. I did not miss those contraction pains though, it brought back painful memories of my last labor with L. yuck. I really hope that this time it can be a bit less stress and pain. Names...are still a work in progress. D and I don't agree really, so we have a small list that we will take with us and then just take a look at her and decide at that time. What I'm hoping though is that a name just jumps out at me and is the perfect name for my second daughter. D and I will have known eachother for 1 year on the 8th of this month. Pretty crazy if you ask me. Makes me feel pretty whorish, but what can I say, I had been single for over 2 years and was ready again for love. I was so lonely at that little apartment with just L and I. That's when I hold D tighter in the night, it means so much to me to have him there next to me. We've not exactly had a smooth road in the past year that's for sure and if I wasn't pregnant I'm really not sure we would have lasted. Mainly because we are so opposite. But I do love the guy despite everything that we have been through and are going to go through. It scares me to death the whole thing and the whole life changing experience, but on the other hand, it really excites me and leaves me feeling this sense of unknowing that really gives me a rush. I just can not wait to meet this baby and see what she is all about. 2 more weeks give or take and let the games begin!