letting it out

Things are pretty blah today. Things with D have not been very good. We seem to be 2 opposite people trying to live together for the sake of this baby, and I hate saying that and even backspaced over that line once but re-wrote it. I just don't think we are going to make it. I'm trying to stay positive and would give everything in my power to be a happy family and stable. It's just too much pulling on my end. I feel like I am trying to control everything with him, and no that is not fair, but if I was with somebody I was compatible with then I wouldn't need to be so pushy, bossy, bitchy, what have you. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones, but I feel so depressed. He makes me depressed is what I say. Not to him, but in my mind. I desperately miss my life when it was just L and I. However, when it was just L and I, I was so lonely and thought I needed someone else. I don't think I did. I liked being single(now that I'm not). Doesn't make sense does it? I really feel like I screwed things up for myself. Not the baby. I don't resent the baby (anymore) but with D. I shouldn't have invited him in to my life. I should have known better. He's so loyal and a really good guy. Just not someone I can live with! He is so messy and I hate having to clean up after him. I enjoyed cleaning my house when it was just L and me. Now I despise it and just bitch and complain everytime I have to clean after him. He doesn't dust, clean counters or pick up clothes. I've seen him vacuum and do dishes, but even when he does the dishes and there is food in the sink or garbage he just leaves it all in it. Garbage. He leaves garbage everywhere! Whether wrappers, plates and forks(dirty), popcans. Omg I just am fed up. I'm not the type of person that is just going to shut up about it either. I haven't told him any of these frusterations and I'm afraid I will burst. Oh and he tracked mud in the house and didn't wipe the floor. It kills me even typing this out. I know it's probably not that big of a deal, but to me, right now with being preg. , it is a huge deal. The next big thing I despise is the whole money issue. He has taken responsibility in that he's giving me some money out of his paychecks each week, but he's not telling me what it's going towards at all. He just wasted like $40 on a remote control helicoptor and is talking about buying another one. He owes me money yet he's wasting his on mindless bullshit. He said he wants to get his daughter a power wheels for $200 for her 6th birthday. wtf. Don't these things have age limits. What 6yr old would want one of these? And why not get her something else more practical and wait a year so that we can get on our feet to get her something more expensive. But heaven forbid I say anything to him about it because it's his daughter and I shouldn't get involved, i suppose, or so he says. I bring up money and he mumbles his way out of the conversation. I'm not going to continue living with this person if he doesn't talk to me or do things my way I guess. I guess I will have to kick him out and try and manage 2 kiddos on my own. that scares me to death. I feel like I almost need him in order to survive. I don't really do anything with my life and that is also something else that is depressing. I go to work, I eat and I sleep. It's not good for me, I know this, yet how can I possibly change things? By the time I get out of work and get L fed, it is then bathtime for L and then bedtime and then I'm too exhausted to do anything else so I crash myself. It's not healthy but there is nothing left to do. I hate working til 5 now, it give me no time to even unwind after work, it's constantly go go go and then I crash and D is getting pissed at me because I'm not in the mood to do anything and all I do is want to sleep. He also gets moody and so if he's in a bad mood I am not going to be miss sunshine for his ass. ugh. Between work and my boss' retirement party I have an hour to myself, I'm going to the park to take a walk, alone. I need it. I need some serious soul searching done. I need to process all of these thoughts and figure out what I want and need for me. I can't lose myself. I won't do that again. I did with Chris and it wasn't until I was 2 months away from the relationship that I even knew and realized that I was lost. That's what is scaring me. What if the same thing has happened already? Chris really fucked me up though so maybe I'm just not letting my guard down yet out of fear. I just want to figure things all out and I honestly don't know if that's going to happen. I hope the weekend gives me some rest.