It's a new day

Things seem to be going better. Not sure where I left off on the last post, but things are going good these days, at least with d. I know I ranted a bit about him in the last post. He's getting it together(maybe). We've been talking a lot. I realized quite a bit too. Like, how I haven't lived with anyone since having L, so it's kinda weird having him there now. And in my house when I was growing up my dad did everything! He cooked, cleaned, took us to school, picked us up, worked part time and still made more moolah than my mom, laundry, etc...My mom always said that they had an agreement that she would take care of the kids for the first year of our lives and then he gets them the rest of the time..I think that's total bullshit and just her excuse for why he did everything. She didn't even know how to pump her own gas until the divorce 3 years ago. She was totally reliant on my father. She did do some stuff, I can't give her no credit, but just in a nutshell when looking back, I see my father as doing most everything. Therefore, that sucks for whatever guy wants to be in my life because what am I going to expect from them? Um, everything! I didn't explain this all to D yet, but I intend to tell him that story of my childhood so then maybe he will get it more..I'm going to try and help and give my help the best that I can now that i've pinpointed the problem, because I will not use my parent's mistakes as my excuses in life that's for damn sure. After talking to d some more though I think he realized that he needs to help out more too and kind of do his share..we are both the adults and he is not a child that I am going to clean up after, etc. He has A this weekend and that makes me so stressed..not b/c of her, but b/c we ALWAYS fight when she is in town and she is staying until Monday. So I am trying my hardest to plan stuff to do all weekend so that we have no time to fight and the weekend kind of just goes by and we have a nice time. We'll see. A war could be in the future though. Tonight I plan on taking the kids to go and buy some play-doh so that will be fun i hope. Then perhaps grab something for dinner. Tomorrow I'm planning on taking them to the zoo( with D too of course). Then I'm hopefully going out with Stacie in the evening while d watches the kids. I needed at least a couple hours away from the house so I don't go too nutso. My mom is outta town all weekend so no escaping to her house this time. Then Sunday we are going to have a bbq and we have a couple friends coming over for that! So that will be nice and relaxing hopefully..so Saturday we will go and buy the stuff for that as well. Hm. Then Sunday night I have nothing, (uh-0h), need to plan something otherwise this is when the fight will happen. Monday no plans either besides driving A home. she lives about 25 minutes away. It's supposed to thunderstorm on Monday anyways. I really need new bras so maybe I will try and go out shopping on Sunday? I told D that if he wants to go out on Fri or Sun night since I'm getting to go out on Sat, then he can. So not sure, but he mentioned going fishing on Saturday morning, but that isn't at night and I'd much rather watch the kids at night when it's close to bed, like he will be, other than watch them for hours and hours in the am, ya know? Oh well! This could cause a fight also, haha, can you tell I'm paranoid about having a fight? I wish I didn't have to worry about this or that this wasn't an issue! ugh! So, I have stomache issues majorly this week. It all started on I think it was Tues or Wed? I had horrid lower back pain, which i've had for weeks now, but then add on, chills, cramping in the front, and achey and I thought it could be my kidneys. So I went to the doc and they said that it was nothing pregnancy related after they tapped on my back and did a full cervical check to make sure of no preterm labor. So that was a sigh of relief. said it was probably just a virus going around. That night I was bed ridden just felt like ass basically. Then in the morning it started again, I thought it was morning sickness, I was puking as well as stuff coming out of the other end as well. yuck. Now it's Friday and I still am having the same issue, just not puking so much. Not sure if I should call the dr yet or not? I am guessing it's just some sort of virus though so probably not anything to get too concerned about. Except I have no appetite and don't want to eat food because of how my stomache will feel. So I've been living off of smoothies, slurpees, kool-aid and juicy juice. I really want some popsicles. I must say that the day I left work early to go to the doc, D gets out of work at 3pm, so he took care of me. He went out and bought me some soup at this wonderful soup restaurant and then to the store to get me tylenol since all we had was motrin and apparently that is a no no while prego. So he was being wonderful with me. He's a great guy and i really shouldn't bitch so much. I blame the pregnancy though because we were not fighting this much pre-pregnancy, however, we only knew eachother like 3 or 4 months before I got pregnant so not sure if that says anything either. Oh well, I'm not going to read in to it and I still have hope that all will work out. So far so good is all I keep saying. Not sure if I ever mentioned that he got me a ring. It's not an engagement ring, but a white gold ring with an emerald in the middle of a couple diamonds, it's really pretty. I asked if it was a promise ring and he said sure, it can be, haha, so not sure what that means, but promise rings are pretty much bullshit anyways. That reminds me, Lilly said bullshit the other day in the same context as I would say it, I was laughing hysterically at her and so now that she got the good reaction she tends to say it more than she should! Oooops. I need to stop swearing in front of her, but it's so hard. I'll just have to teach her what is right to say and what is wrong, even if mommy sometimes slips and says it. When I was throwing up the other morning she came in and asked if I would like some water. It was so adorable to see her being so sensitive to me being sick. I have never seen her like that! She's really turning in to a person! I need to start getting baby things ready for the new baby, I'm starting to want to nest I think, I'm making checklists in my head of things I need to do/get still, hahhaa..the joys of being a woman.

letting it out

Things are pretty blah today. Things with D have not been very good. We seem to be 2 opposite people trying to live together for the sake of this baby, and I hate saying that and even backspaced over that line once but re-wrote it. I just don't think we are going to make it. I'm trying to stay positive and would give everything in my power to be a happy family and stable. It's just too much pulling on my end. I feel like I am trying to control everything with him, and no that is not fair, but if I was with somebody I was compatible with then I wouldn't need to be so pushy, bossy, bitchy, what have you. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones, but I feel so depressed. He makes me depressed is what I say. Not to him, but in my mind. I desperately miss my life when it was just L and I. However, when it was just L and I, I was so lonely and thought I needed someone else. I don't think I did. I liked being single(now that I'm not). Doesn't make sense does it? I really feel like I screwed things up for myself. Not the baby. I don't resent the baby (anymore) but with D. I shouldn't have invited him in to my life. I should have known better. He's so loyal and a really good guy. Just not someone I can live with! He is so messy and I hate having to clean up after him. I enjoyed cleaning my house when it was just L and me. Now I despise it and just bitch and complain everytime I have to clean after him. He doesn't dust, clean counters or pick up clothes. I've seen him vacuum and do dishes, but even when he does the dishes and there is food in the sink or garbage he just leaves it all in it. Garbage. He leaves garbage everywhere! Whether wrappers, plates and forks(dirty), popcans. Omg I just am fed up. I'm not the type of person that is just going to shut up about it either. I haven't told him any of these frusterations and I'm afraid I will burst. Oh and he tracked mud in the house and didn't wipe the floor. It kills me even typing this out. I know it's probably not that big of a deal, but to me, right now with being preg. , it is a huge deal. The next big thing I despise is the whole money issue. He has taken responsibility in that he's giving me some money out of his paychecks each week, but he's not telling me what it's going towards at all. He just wasted like $40 on a remote control helicoptor and is talking about buying another one. He owes me money yet he's wasting his on mindless bullshit. He said he wants to get his daughter a power wheels for $200 for her 6th birthday. wtf. Don't these things have age limits. What 6yr old would want one of these? And why not get her something else more practical and wait a year so that we can get on our feet to get her something more expensive. But heaven forbid I say anything to him about it because it's his daughter and I shouldn't get involved, i suppose, or so he says. I bring up money and he mumbles his way out of the conversation. I'm not going to continue living with this person if he doesn't talk to me or do things my way I guess. I guess I will have to kick him out and try and manage 2 kiddos on my own. that scares me to death. I feel like I almost need him in order to survive. I don't really do anything with my life and that is also something else that is depressing. I go to work, I eat and I sleep. It's not good for me, I know this, yet how can I possibly change things? By the time I get out of work and get L fed, it is then bathtime for L and then bedtime and then I'm too exhausted to do anything else so I crash myself. It's not healthy but there is nothing left to do. I hate working til 5 now, it give me no time to even unwind after work, it's constantly go go go and then I crash and D is getting pissed at me because I'm not in the mood to do anything and all I do is want to sleep. He also gets moody and so if he's in a bad mood I am not going to be miss sunshine for his ass. ugh. Between work and my boss' retirement party I have an hour to myself, I'm going to the park to take a walk, alone. I need it. I need some serious soul searching done. I need to process all of these thoughts and figure out what I want and need for me. I can't lose myself. I won't do that again. I did with Chris and it wasn't until I was 2 months away from the relationship that I even knew and realized that I was lost. That's what is scaring me. What if the same thing has happened already? Chris really fucked me up though so maybe I'm just not letting my guard down yet out of fear. I just want to figure things all out and I honestly don't know if that's going to happen. I hope the weekend gives me some rest.

Reflections on 26

Well let's see, I'm trying to think of things I accomplished last year. I moved out of my mother's house (yay!) and got settled in to my new apartment with L. I lost about 20+ lbs with a combonation of a strict diet and exercising at night after putting L to sleep. My friend Tina got married and I met D at her wedding. After being single for 2+years it was nice having someone there again. I got pregnant in December. Gained about 20lbs back now. and moved in to my new house with D and L. At least the weight will come off again and it's a little blessing the reason for my weight gain. But I would say I had a pretty damn good 26. I turned 27 yesterday and couldn't be happier! I had a very wonderful birthday. My dad came over after work and took me, L and D out to dinner at a steakhouse so that was good! He(my dad) brought me flowers in 2 pots for outside for my Mother's Day present and then a check for my birthday present, yay dad! Dinner was nice and then afterward Stacie came over and brought me a cake and a gift card to my favorite restaurant! Stacie and I are slowly reconnecting again and trying to keep the friendship in tact. I don't want to lose her, she's my only friend and she is a GREAT friend. She went to pick up our friend Mark from the airport last night. He goes to school at Gonzaga in Washington so it will be nice to have him home for the summer. Stacie didn't stay over too long and then I put L to sleep around 8:30 and went right to bed myself..so nothing too exciting but it was a special day. D got mad at me before bed because I wouldn't sleep with him. Heaven forbid I am tired and my back is killing me and it's not going to put me in the mood when you ask permission to do it. So he was pouting and I fell asleep. I don't care anymore. I guess my b-day could have ended a bit better, but oh well, no complaints. Today he just said that I get mad if he doesn't ask permission so he's not sure what he's supposed to do. Well, I wish I could have had the guts to say, just leave me the hell alone, but I just said well why don't we just comprimise. And I left it at that. He's grumpy though I know that much. He spilled something on the sheets I had just washed over the weekend and he hasn't rewashed them yet, i'm wondering how long it's going to take. I fear it is chocolate milk and is going to stink, but I refuse to rewash them when I just did it. he can do it. i'm just sick of being pregnant already I realized. I hate how he thinks pregnancy is like a walk in the park and I still should be able to do everything that I was before. Maybe I'm getting too dependant on him? But I hate cleaning up after him and so I have to ask him to do things all the time I feel like. I feel like if I don't then it won't get done. and I'm not about to clean up his mess. ugh. Ok I kind of went off on a tangent for a minute there but I'm just frusterated with the living situation right now I think. It's an adjustment to say the least. This Friday is my Boss' retirement party so my mom I think is going to babysit. Oh we are going to my mom's house tonight also to get my birthday present and so she can see L. So the retirement party is at 6PM so I'm just going to stay around work since it's at a restaurant near work. So my mom will pick L up from daycare. Then Saturday is buying flowers day and also helping mom out with the garage sale day. Saturday night I think D is having his aunt and uncle over to see the new place and we are grilling hotdogs so that will be nice. I have a jam packed weekend already it feels like. That rarely happens. We are moving at work. We are now moving upstairs to the new area and I couldn't be happier. Maybe we will actually have windows and this job won't feel like a prison. I'm pretty sure I will still be in a cubicle but at least if I stand up maybe I can see out a window! I'm just excited about a change I guess and having something new to look forward to. A new home.

Goodbye Murfy.

My mom had my dog put to sleep on the 8th and I was less than thrilled. I understand that the dog was puking and shitting all over the house, but she didn't even let a vet examine her, she just took her to the animal control and had her put down. I got this yorkie when I was 14 and she was the loyalest, bestest dog in the world. I guess I could have taken the dog, but I was selfish and didn't want her puking and shitting all over my house either, so I didn't stop my mom from doing it. Now L is looking for her and asking for her and it's so sad. I just told her that she went bye-bye and is in heaven now. ugh. It's weird when a pet goes. It's sad like a part of your life is now gone. Definitely not as heavy as when a close human goes, but still a loss and it sucks. This weekend was very eventful and very wonderful. Minus the fights that D and I got in to. Main one being, he had A this weekend. Seems like everytime she is in we fight. Not saying I blame her, but our fights always happen when she is in and then as soon as she is gone we are back to normal again. What is up with that!? She's 5 and is a sweetheart, just a normal 5 year old that asks a billion questions and is always in your face, but she's sweet at least. D left me alone with her and L while he was in the bedroom sleeping and then watching tv. I wouldn't of minded but then the hours past and I had been up with them since 7am and going a bit nutty. Then the longer he left me with them the more angry I got. He never lets me sleep in, let alone watch tv in the bedroom while he tends to L. Never. So I got pissed. I went in the bedroom and told him I was taking L and we were going out for a bit. He asked why and I said, because you can go take care of your daughter for awhile, weekends are your time with her, I'm not going to sit and handle both of them while you are in here doing whatever when you never give me that type of a break. He thinks his daughter is completely self sufficient so whenever I say stuff like help me or something he always says, she can do that on her own ,or she is fine by herself..but what he doesn't get is that I have the both of them and she acts completely different around me than around him. Around me she acts more like a kid and around him she is just very obedient and of course he sees her being some self sufficient person because that's how she is around him because that's how he wants her to be. Ugh..it all pisses me off and he doesn't realize that she just needs his presense and doesn't need to be pawned off on his girlfriend! ok rant over. Oh but one other thing. So L and I took off and went to the store and then to my mom's house for the afternoon and he didn't talk to me all day, then came home at around 7pm with no A. I asked where she was and he said she was spending the night at his aunt's house(his previous residence before moving in with us). I felt kinda bad then, as if it was my fault that he didn't have her come back, but he assured me that she wanted to stay there. For some reason I feel like he is not very close with his daughter, and that makes me sad. I wish they had a better relationship..sometimes it seems like his relationship with L is better than his relationship with A. Ok anyway, so I got things all ready for the garage sale my mom is having this weekend! wahoo, some extra cash headed my way! and some shit cleared outta my house too. I feel so much better. I got the nursery all cleaned out on Saturday while D was mia. Now it is a toyroom for L and I seriously have no clue where I will put L's toys once this new baby arrives! But L's room and baby's room are clean, that is all that matters, and I feel like my house is finally in order - except for the outside. This weekend between garage sale, D and I are going to the greenhouse to buy some flowers so I can plant my flower garden finally, I have been looking forward to this for so long!! I can't wait! The weather here really sucks, it rained all day yesterday and was freezing. I did have a lovely Mother's Day though!!! I woke up Sunday still disgruntled with D from our fight the day before. He got up around 9 and came out and kissed me on the cheeek and said Happy Mother's Day. wow he remembered, I was impressed! Then he told me that he was taking the pop cans back and L really wanted to go so they went and I got to take a shower kid-free so that was wonderful in itself. Anyone that has kids would understand the greatness of taking a kid-free shower! Then I could clean up the house a bit and lay down just intime for L to come barging in saying over and over, "Happy Mother's Day!" she was carrying this huge Lily! It was beautiful! Then D gave me a hug and showed me the pink rose he was holding behind his back for me. Awe, what a sweetheart! Later that day we went to his sister's farm with A and L and L loved seeing all of the cows and chickens. Then D stopped at the store quick and bought some flowers, which I thought might be for A's mom or maybe his aunt, he wouldn't say. So then we get to the cemetary. I didn't realize where his mom was buried as I had never been there with him, so it was quite emotional and I saw on the grave that she was born in 1958 which is 3 years younger than my own mother. He really has not fully coped from the loss of his mother and it's hard for me to even know what to do or say. At first he asked if I was coming out of the car and I just shook my head no. I thought maybe he would want to say a few words to her. Then I got out of the car and went and checked it out quick and then back to the car. It was sweet to see all the men at the cemetary visiting lost loved ones. I felt special that D included me with the visit to his mother, I wish I could have met this lady. She died in 2003. After his sister's house we went to my mom's house and ate dinner, which is a big deal because D never comes to my mom's house or wants to visit with my family, but I guess he is starting to come around a little bit because he came this time! woo hoo! We got things ready for the garage sale and then left my mom's house. I gave L a bath and got her in bed by 8:30 and then we watched the movie Arachnaphobia! It was a good movie, it's old but I hadn't seen it before and got it through my netflix account. So all in all it was a great Mother's Day and I couldn't have asked for better people to spend it with. D does things to piss me off, but he always more than makes up for it somehow..is that good or bad? Right now I'm happy though so that's all that matters right? Baby is sitting directly on my bladder I do believe and my lower back is just killin me! But I'm managing. I don't even want to walk though even though I know it's whats best. Lunch time so I gotta go!

this and that

I am finally feeling more settled in the new house. It still doesn't feel like mine yet, I feel like I'm staying at someone else's place. The nursery is now jam packed with stuff that we didn't have a home for and it's driving me nuts, it's not a storage closet, it's a baby's room! Luckily we have about 4 months to get that all situated. I also would love to get some lawn type furniture for out on the deck. That way, my pregnant butt can sit outside this summer! Things with D are going better than you would expect. We are getting along so much better now and starting to get a rhythm down, which I'm loving. No fights in a while either so that makes for a very happy stress-free home. I got to hear the baby's heartbeat today so that was nice. I had to make an unexpected trip to the ob, and I'll just leave it at that. Nothing too serious so that is wonderful news! My mom is having a garage sale in a couple of weeks so I need to get things ready for that. I have been marking up a bunch of junk that I just don't want or need anymore, hopefully I can score some good monies! The pregnancy itself is going pretty smooth. I get some sharp cramps every so often, but nothing too serious, just enough for me to know they are there. I also get the leg cramps now too, I got those when I was prego with L too and they are no fun! I have been limping around the office because these cramps just will not go away. Work has been shitty. I hate my work life and am SO ready to be the hell out of this place and never return! Unfortunately though, I am stuck here until hell freezes over, well no, I will be searching desperately while I'm on maternity leave. Stacie still has been so cold with me. She doesn't like D and is not afraid to tell me so. It's really putting a strain on our friendship and therefore it feels like I have no friends these days. It sucks and I wish she could just shut up and still be my friend and just accept D for who he is. He is really being wonderful though! He's done a complete 360 and is stepping up to the plate about everything, it's awesome and I am loving it so much. I never thought I would find happines, but here it is right in front of my face. I'm happy. Honestly. The only thing that saddens me right now is the fact that Stacie and I are on the outs, but I'm trying to just think of it on her side. She is alone and not even in a relationship and here I am happy with 2 kids. She has wanted kids since I have known her and there has to be a little jealousy there. Hopefully she will get over it and just be happy for me for once. We'll see. I do complain about D, so I'm going to try and stop that with Stacie because then she only hears the negative things, when there really is a lot of positives. My cousin Alan got married this past weekend so D and I went there for it. It was so nice to just have a night away from L and have some adult time! I enjoyed myself. My dad and his girlfriend were all over eachother and it was quite discusting, also they were doing their ballroom dancing on the dance floor and making a spotlight for themselves. It was gross and I really can not stand her. My grandma is not too happy about them being together either. It's just messed up. She told me she thought it was ignorant for them to be all over eachother like that and pretty much flaunting their relationship. I know I'm going to have to get used to her, but I know I will never like her. We are just too opposite. I can tell that my dad is turning in to her also now which is quite annoying. I just want my old dad back, but I know he is gone. Actually my old mom is gone too. She is going out on a date on Weds with a new guy. She's been dating the same guy now for a while and is going to go out with some other guy behind his back. It's the first guy she dated after the divorce, he dumped her and is now coming back around. Ugh, I liked the guy she is with now! and now she is going to go and mess it all up. Hopefully it all works out for the best, I know I can't control my parent's lives. L had strept throat! I took her in Sunday morning and sure enough the test came back positive. She is acting fine though and is doing so much better, but awe, I was so sad that my baby had that. Mother's Day is this weekend. I have no plans yet, but something better get planned. Let's see..that's about all my jumbled thoughts for the day I suppose..not much to report, but once I get typing I seem to not be able to stop, thoughts just keep coming to me! Oh the chirpractor! I love him so! I'm going again tonight! But I must say that it is really helping the migraines...he is awesome! ok that's it!