How did I get here?

Whew - only about a month to go and this baby will be here! I'm getting pretty excited/nervous/scared/anxious! Last night I went and bought some new nursing bras, the ones from with L were pretty dingy. I keep daydreaming about labor and delivery and then having an infant + L. Oh that scares me so. I'm not really counting on D to help out too much, but maybe he will surprise me. Things with him have pretty much been okay. I've been busy with my own stuff going on and he's been busy with his own stuff so we don't get to talk very much lately. The house seems to be staying clean so I think we are both just helping out now, so that is cool. I hate having a messy house and it got really bad for a while - but now it still looks pretty good. He gets his daughter this Sunday and then for two whole weeks strait. we'll see how this goes. I have major anxiety over this. She will probably be staying at his aunt's house for the majority of the 2 weeks with the exception of the weekends, because d's work shift is 6-4pm and so she'll need to stay the night at the aunt's house every weekday and then after work he will have her for a few hours and then have to drop her back to the aunt's to sleep, so that won't be that bad. I have been so exhausted, I can not get comfortable at night, therefore, I'm up a lot. I've been late to work every day this week. I just want a day off to sleep all day. Yesterday I had a migraine at work for 4 hours, didn't get a thing done but at least I was here getting my time in. Tomorrow morning I have a dr. appt. I'm wondering if I will end up having this baby early? I feel like I might, I have such pains all the time..where I will be walking and have to dead stop and take a breath because it hurts so bad. I never had braxton hicks with L or anything really..it was all just normalness. Another thing I'm a tad worried about is what if I die during childbirth? I want her to be named Jillian if I do die. But I need to be here for both of my babies- what will become of L? or the new one for that matter. I definitley don't want d raising the baby at his aunt's house. Maybe I should give him my house so they have a place to live? I hate all these 'what ifs' but it really is something to consider. I really need to make a WILL, but not sure if I will get that done before d-day. Which, I am still in disbelief that it's already almost here. hmm I guess that's all that is on my mind for today. I'm talking to my boss today about hoping to take 12 weeks off, we'll see how this goes.