8 weeks tomorrow

I can't believe I will be 8 weeks tomorrow, it's going by super fast. I just decided to call my Dr today to set up my first appt. They scheduled it for May 13th and they will be doing paperwork, pap smear and an ultrasound. I have that day off from work already because it's my birthday! I try and take my b-day off every year. I haven't told work yet and don't think I will for another month or however long I can hide it. It's strange this time because I don't have any morning sickness at all. I had it so bad with J. I am actually quite surprised at how normal and not pregnant I feel. My mom still hasn't talked to me. She emailed me wondering how L was doing. She sometimes seems to forget that I have a younger daughter, too. I guess it's that first grandchild thing. So at least she remembered that I am alive, but still have not talked to her other than the brief email. I hate it. Starting to wonder though if I should just cut ties with her, since she has such strong hateful feelings toward me right now, makes me wonder when she stopped loving me. I don't really have much on my mind right now other than my mom and how cold and absent she is being right now. It's basically consuming my thoughts right now.

EDD 12/4/09

Why am I sad about this subject? I'm sad not because I'm pregnant. I am up for that challenge and know that this is out of my hands, and in regards to the news, I am happy. It's not the best timing, but the way I see it, in my life there will never be a perfect time to have a baby, so why not now. I'm sad though, because my mom is not supporting me at all again. She actually emailed me this morning and told me I'm being selfish for having it. She is PRO abortion and I'm really starting to wonder if she's had one in the past. I am pro life, and she knows my stance on the subject. She still had the audacity to email me and tell me to have an abortion and not to ruin the future of my 2 girls. It really stings. hurts. My heart is aching. All I want is for my mom to be there for me, to hug me and tell me that everything will be okay, and that she loves me and supports my decisions. I know for a fact, that if one of my girls were in the same situation, and I didn't like their partner, I would still hug them and love them for who they are and their life choices. I will not be cold and absent in my children's lives unless they were to (heaven forbid) physically harm somebody or kill. But I guess that's the difference between my mom and I. D and I haven't really discussed this whole situation. We are actually kind of on the outs and this time it's because of something I did, and I feel horrible but there is nothing I can do to change the past. I was venting to my friend through emails. Keep in mind, this friend is someone who we only email, we don't hang out or ever see eachother. So I feel like I can tell her private things and know they will stop at her and she will give me advice on how to handle the matters we discuss. Easter was very stressful at my house with having D's daughter, A there. I expressed my frustrations to my friend through email and said some pretty harsh things in regards to A. Told her all of my frustrations and then some, I didn't hold back. I also made mention of D not having a job right now, and was telling her that maybe I should just break up with him so I could be rid of A. Things like that. Not pleasant. Not who I am at all. Why I feel the way I feel about A I will never know, I hate myself for it and I really try to change. She was helping me out with this by offering advice and helping me try and figure out the root of the problem, etc. So we had emailed maybe 3 or 4 times in the past few days about this matter. D had my i-pod touch at the house playing a game he really likes, so I let him keep it at home while I was at work. I noticed in my yahoo sent messeges box that there were 3 or 4 emails forwarded to D. I was just thinking, I didn't forward him anything? So I clicked on them and they said, this messege was sent from your i-pod, and they were all the emails that I had been emailing with my friend! On my i-pod, all you have to do is touch e-mail and it goes right to my yahoo inbox, you don't need a password or anything. So he was being nosy and reading all my emails, found these, and for some reason felt the need to send them to himself. I am angry at him for invading my privacy, but my anger does not defeat my humiliation. I don't even know how to face him. I called him right away and told him that I saw he read my emails. He admitted it. He started crying on the phone and didn't even stay the night with me. I dont even know what to say to him. I told him that sometimes girls vent and get out what they need to say and then it's done. It was more like a diary because it's someone I write to in confidence. I really hate myself for what I said, I shouldn't have. I have been told never to put in writing something you don't want anyone else to see, and I did it and regret it. We still haven't talked and it's been 2 days. I know we will talk again. We HAVE to. He knows that I'm pregnant and he seems happy about it, doesn't seem to worry him at all. I will probably end up quitting my job when baby comes and he will just work 2 jobs, we may have to relocate to allow him to find work. But I can not work and take care of a household, I know it's not in me and I would crumble. So I will stay home for a couple years until things settle down. This was the advice of my dad. He said this is the only choice we have really. He said all he's worried about is helping to pick out a name. I'm glad one of my parents is being great. I know D and I are not in a solid relationship right now and that is one thing that scares me. But I am going to suck it up and just live my life totally for my children now. We can make this work and I know we can be happy. I will not have it any other way. I am going to do a damn good job with my kids, this is not optional. D better be on board with me, but I have hope that he is. That's all for now...

note

Family services called a couple days ago and said we were going to set up the court ordered supervised visits. I told them I hadn't heard from Chris in about 4 weeks. Then she said Mondays or Thursdays so I agreed to Thursday evenings from 6-7PM. She said she would call Chris and call me back to let me know. She calls back not even 2 minutes later. " The number Chris had given us has been disconnected, so now this will go back to the court and it will be up to them to contact him and then contact me again, so you may not be hearing from me for a while." All I could do was laugh. So like him. He seriously has not called us again since our last visit on 3/24. I just wonder what he is thinking sometimes, but usually I don't.