stuff

The update on me is that there is no update. Lately, my life just feels blah. Not sure if it's hormones, stress, self-pity, all of the above? I feel not myself. I'm going to talk to my baby dr. about possibly getting on a mild anti-depressant. I am not sure if they can prescribe one or not, but I kind of hope so since I can't afford to go to a counselor right now. I just want my life back. I want to feel happy and not just get by each day. D is still living in my house. It is more like we are roomates, but honestly, I just want him gone. We have not been affectionate toward eachother in over a month. I told him the other day that right now I just don't love him anymore. I mentioned him moving out and seeing how that went, I told him that since I'm unhappy I'd like to see if he is the reason so perhaps he could move out for a while. He said he's not playing that game and if he leaves my house he lives the state. He said there is nothing here for him. I asked what about your kids? He just went outside and smoked and ignored me. I don't know what to think. I don't know what is going on. All I know is that he is still in my house and I'm still unhappy. Not sure what else to think. I got a letter in the mail from the courts that Chris is requesting to have his child support lowered. He hasn't even paid me a cent since January. I haven't even heard from him since the last visit, I think was in March? I got a nice letter from the custody people though that said that since he is living in PA right now that they will not move further with supervised visits or his father class until he moves back to the state. So now I get to go to court in June to discuss his child support payments again. Fun! He's already paying me(when I do get money) at the poverty level, so not sure how much lower it can get. what an asshole. I'm so happy I get to take more time off from work that I can't afford to go see his ugly face in court. My mom...she's being so cold to me! She is such a downer, I don't know how to react half the time. She says the most incessant things and then expects me to laugh or who knows what reaction she wants from me. I wonder sometimes if I need to distance myself from her based on the fact that she puts me in these terrible moods by her choice words. I talked to my best friend on the phone last night and told her finally that I was pregnant. I just started crying when talking about my mom and D. You know it's a good friend when you can cry to them. I haven't cried in a very long time. It just seems like everything is falling apart. I feel so low, yet, I don't want to play victim. I have my kids, my wonderful beautiful kids, and for that, it gives me a smile and sense of purpose. When I think about the other avenues of my life I just feel completely out of control. Work life = terrible. lots of drama going on, office is divided, 6 people got laid off including my friend. I'm lonely and waking up so damn early when I'm this exhausted is getting exhausting. One positive is that I did not get laid off. I am not telling them I'm pregnant because I'm terrified that if I do they will let me go. They did it when I was pregnant with L and who's to say they won't do it again? Love life = Non-existant. Besides my children and myself, there is no one else. I don't even want anyone else. I just want to be with my children. I don't know how to care for another adult, if that even makes sense. Social life = joke. Example - While talking to my best friend on the phone last night, L managed to wipe cheese from her handi-snack all over my TV screen, got J's powder can and spread powder all about in her and J's room and down the hallway, I guess she is used to having most of the attention at night and couldn't handle mommy being on the phone. Family life = my parents are ashamed of me and think I'm stupid and call me an idiot as often as they can. I can't even tell the rest of my family members because I feel so ashamed and I am literally the black sheep of the family because gasp! I am low income and have 2 kids with 2 different dads. It could be a lot worse, but my family is high society so this is why I feel this way. Health life = scarey. They say that I am high risk with this pregnancy and to expect to have my baby early. And she was not talking one month early, she said it could be 2 or 3 months early due to having the cervical surgery in Feb. They say they may have to stitch up my cervix if I start getting premature labor. I'm getting another echo done this week on my heart so that gets straightened out too. Last time it was all too inconclusive. I had my first u/s and the baby had a heart rate of 169 and all seemed fine. Due date is still 12/4. I have about a million and one more things on my mind, but I really should get to work.

space

He is starting to distance himself which is a wonderful thing in my book. Perhaps he is starting to realize that this isn't going to work and that the best thing is to be apart. I don't know. All I do know though is that my dad told me to stick it out with him for now. He honestly told me to just make him happy and comfortable. WTF? is all I have to say about that. I don't know what else to do right now, I'm actually at a place where I'm just avoiding the whole situation entirely. We have our small talk every night. Lately he's been going out every night to his cousin's house and leaving me to get everyone in bed, then he comes home at 9 once the house is settled. We start a movie and I fall asleep before the opening credits are gone. My friend told me that living without him, I already know how, it's just getting him out now that is the dilema. I know I'm a strong enough mama to do this w/out him, I know that being with him is more unhealthy than not. I am so afraid of the future and what is to come. I guess all I can do right now is find inner peace. I can honestly say that right now I hate the place that I have put me and my children in and I can only hope that by December I am in a much different place. My kids do not deserve it. Neither do I.

I need help

Well, my mom started talking to me again. She called me an idiot, gave me a hug and now she's been calling me daily again with her paranoias that i've missed. The most recent is she called my brother and I to tell us to stock up on soup, bottled water, etc incase the Swine flu comes here. She said she started seeing a psychologist and that it's been helping! Thank you mom, I've only been telling you to go to one for the past 3 years, I'm so happy she finally made that step!! I guess I gave her that push :) . Things with D are grim. I'm not happy, and I guess I pretty much knew that all along, I think I'm just that stupid girl that was believing that he could actually change. I really want/need him to move out, but I have no idea how to go about it. I tell him to get out, and he freaks out on me, I tell him to get out, and he says no. I tell him to get out and he threatens to take the baby. I tell him to get out and he starts throwing shit. I'm scared to tell him to get out. I don't know how to do it. I need help! I can honestly tell myself right now today that I do not love him anymore. Having him out of our lives would be the healthiest thing. Then there is the whole, oh my God I can't be a burden on my mother, yet how am I possibly going to do this alone? I'm at a spot right now where I have no clue what to do. I am not in love anymore and want him out of my house. I'm knocked up with my 3rd child and barely get by with the 2 I have. How will I financially be able to do this? I will I mentally be able to do this? Man, this is tough. I know Idon't want to live with him anymore, but I need to figure out how to get him and his shit out my house first of all, and second of all, I need to figure out how I'm gonna do this. I don't even know where to begin. I called my dad this morning to tell him, but he didn't answer either time I called. I don't know what he can do to help me anyway. Maybe he could be there while I tell D how I feel? I just don't know. I'm lost.