overwhelmed

Today I'm the epitome of a pregnant woman. I'm a hormonal mess and my mood is all over the place. I've been crying the entire morning. Stuff just keeps adding on and I just feel like I can't take it anymore. My mom told me, well you got yourself in to this mess. Yeah thanks a lot, just what I needed to hear this morning, I already KNEW that. I just wanted to vent and have someone listen, I guess I can't use her anymore. Crying began this morning after leaving daycare. They told me that once this baby arrives the cost of day care is going to be $289/ week. $289/week. Had to type that again. Can't even fathom it. Right now I pay $229/week and struggle. How the heck is this going to work. The DHS is not going to give me any type of assistance for day care even once this one pops out. I would need to have another kid to get even 70% of my daycare bill paid. What doesn't make sense is that my take home pay is only about $300/month more than what I'll be paying in day care in a month. I'm sorry but I can not pay rent, consumers, buy food, diapers, live my life off of $300/month..it's just not going to happen. So what am I to do? I have no freakin idea. I don't even know how to think about this logically and at this point I just cry. On top of that, D is mad at me. We had the whole last name discussion last night. My babies all have my last name. Why wouldn't they!? Why would I give my son his last name only because he's a boy? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard and I think D is being very selfish in this matter. He won't talk to me. My friend got me a free ticket to a local baseball game tomorrow so I was going to do that with friends and now I don't know since he was the one that was going to babysit so I could go. Now he's being a baby and not even speaking to me so who knows if I'll even go. We were getting along so well before this. Although on Saturday I had a friend in town and she wanted to go shopping to Target, so I got D to watch J so we could go and not have to worry about a baby in the cart. Welll he called me twice while we were there and then told me to hurry because he had to be home for dinner and couldn't be late? So we had to rush back and we were a little late and he left without even saying bye to me slammed the door and then squealed his tired when he left. sigh. What a little baby. I'm sure his aunt and uncle would not have been mad had he been a half hour late for dinner. I was so mad, but I agreed to have him over last night to watch a movie. Well then he said he didn't like the way Brandon sounded with his last name and I said, this baby is not going to have your last name. and that was it, he stopped talking to me, walked out of my house on the movie and now hasn't talked to me since. Stupid boys. Then I get to work this morning and find out that everyone is going on a picnic at lunch time. No one even invited me. I feel so left out and bummed. I know I shouldnt be pissed about a stupid office lunch, but I guess it's my hormones because my feelings are very hurt. I think I'm gonna get applebees drive through to make myself feel better. I don't know. It's just been a crappy couple of days and I'm feeling pretty low. My dad is taking L to her last and final supervised visit, if I end up going to that baseball game. What happens next there I am not sure. The unknown scares me. But for now I have to try and not agonize over it. Easier said than done. My heart is in knots.

visit #5

This past week I've been feeling a little bit more at peace with the whole situation. I figure, some kids have it a lot worse. The whole situation could be a lot worse. And for that I am grateful. I keep telling myself not to be selfish, that this isn't about me. It's about Chris wanting to get to know his daughter, even though he's about 4 years late for that and I will forever be bitter about that, but there really is nothing I can do about it now so why not just let it go. Just for my own health reasons, I need to just breathe and let it all go. A new start. If he wants to get to know her, then I suppose I should be happy about that. It should be good for her. Even though last night was annoying. I get there and the lady asked Chris to take her hand and take her back. She just clung to me and wouldn't budge. So I said, well can I just carry her back please? Since Chris was just standing there not helping the situation one bit, hands in pockets. So I carry her back and she starts crying saying she wants to play with me. So I tell her that we will play later as I'm prying her off of me. She still clings. The lady finally pretty much forced me to walk out and I still hear L crying for me. Very heartbreaking. I'm not sure what my rights are, but I honestly don't think I'm court ordered to leave her crying in there? I need to find that out. She of course was fine after a few minutes, but it still sucked. My sunglasses fell off my head as I was trying to get her to get off of me and Chris picked them up for me and I said thanks..so that was an improvement, I actually made eye contact too, so who knows. But then..they were donewith the visit and I was trying to get out of there as quick as possible. So I said let's get going. And Chris is carrying her out of the building so I said, No, I got her and he's like, No, I got her. So he just walks out of the building carrying her!! I was so pissed off. I ran up to him and pretty much grabbed her and was just like, come on L! He really is trying to control this situation and it's really pissing me off. But there again, I need to just let it go. I need to find peace with this somehow. Our last visit is next week then I'm not sure what happens. I'm sure it's not good though. I'm sure that he's going to end up getting to take her every other weekend or some bs. I really think he has that right being her bio dad and all. Not that I like it, I think it's fucked up and the court system is a crock. But I have to smile and let it go. Because if I don't then I look like the bad guy.

Visit #4

Just wanted to document it somewhere. Before we left when I was explaining where we were going L told me, "D and Chris are both my dads" and I said, yes you can have more than one dad, that's fine. and she said, "I want D to be my daddy." It broke my heart and I wasn't sure what to say. We get there and she was clingy again but I reassured her that everything was fine, pried her fingers from myself and walked out of the room, I was a lot more strong. My dad was there as well so that helped me from falling apart in the waiting room. The lady that normally does the visits was not there so her supervisor supervised the visit and I was happy with that! She actually sat down with her notebook and it was much more professional! So that was a relief. When I was trying to get L to let go of me the lady said something like, "come on, dad" because he was just standing there with his hands in his pocket not saying a word. Of course an hour later when they came out he was being all fake and not even acting himself. L can see right through him though. She did give him a hug and a kiss on the lips though, YELCK! I almost puked. I hate that he walks out with us too..makes me feel edgey. I guess we shall see what next week brings. L hasn't said a word about last nights visit. Her behavior sure has changed since this all started though. I hate that. Not to mention she's not sleeping anymore either and she seems to be peeing more frequently also. Not sure if that is normal or not, my dad says it's because she's scared. Not sure how accurate that is! My dad says if he really loved her he would just walk away, if he realized what this is doing to her. He's too in to himself to care what this is doing to her..he's only thinking of himself and what he needs and wants. He's human, but a pityful excuse for one. I was as pleasant as I could be though and had no anxiety, I was much more calm, but there was no need for me to speak to him this time.

a good day in court

I had court this morning with Chris in regards to his child support. He had requested back in April that his CS was reduced. So we had a hearing in June and the mediator person at that time wanted to reduce his CS by more than half! I disagreed to that and so it was then postponed to today for a hearing in front of the judge. Well, before going to the judge we met for another mediation. This time I had my lawyer with me thankfully because things seemed to go so much more smooth. They basically ate him alive asking him why he wasn't working 2 jobs. Currently he's working at fed ex for 20 hours a week, which he failed to report to the courts until today. The decision, which Chris agreed to, was to keep the support where it's at. I won. He's pissed. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but I don't feel sorry for him one bit. just wonder what he is going to do next. The guy told him he's going to be starting to take the CS out of his paychecks, which will be more than 50% of his net pay. hooray. Maybe this will motivate him to get a better paying job or perhaps a second job. My lawyer is awesome! She said something along the lines of, well Jill would love to be able to go to a 20 hour per week job but she can't because she has to take care of her children. The mediator guy was great too and was lecturing Chris on income and what he needs and should be doing to provide for his child. loved it. At least something with this whole situation has finally gone my way. I needed this. Maybe this is what I needed to be a little more friendly at the supervised visits..we'll see how this week goes.

visit #3

Last night was the 3rd visit. L still clung to me in the beginning. The lady let me walk back there with them so that was good. She wouldn't let go so I just stood there with her in an awkward silence. The lady finally said, 'I think you need to help her to get down, Jill'. So I did, but was thinking, why was Chris just standing there, he could have helped to entice her to play with him. But whatever. He held the door open for us and when I didn't say anything he said sarcastically, "your welcome!" Ok, I probably should have said thank you but I have the attitude of, I don't owe you any thanks. Which I know is something I REALLY need to work on. I need to realize that this might be a positive thing for L and she needs to know who her real dad is, even if he is a pos. I need to realize that I made a baby with him and now I will forever be tied to him and yeah it sucks, but at least I still have L out of the deal. I did bad again last night and no matter how I tried to tell myself these things I still could not make eye contact, still could not say a word to him, still had so much hate. I sat in the lobby doing some unrelated paperwork to keep my mind off of where I actually was. When it was over, on the drive home, I cried again. Mainly I started crying because I called my mom afterward and told her about how I didn't say thank you to him and she bitched me out saying I should have and blah blah blah. I really did not need to hear that at that time. This is already hard enough for me. L doesn't say anything about any of it, and I'm not going to probe her. I just hope that this is positive for her and that she is enjoying it. If she is happy then I can somehow manage to be fake happy. I just am not sure because she never says a thing. Chris stayed back with the lady after we left, I am curious what they talked about but my guess is he was asking her if next week would be the last visit. The recomendation was to have him do 4-6 visits and the lady told me the first day that we would be doing 6. So I hope he didn't get the answer he was looking for. If that's even what was being said. I dont' know anything about any of this and that just makes me really mad too. This is my daughter and I don't know what's going on behind closed doors. I'm not sure how closely he's being supervised. I just feel so out of control and I hate this feeling. I'm thinking of moving. I can't move out of state because for some reason he now has rights and can stop me from doing so. gotta love the system! But I CAN move several hours away from him ass. I want to go back to college anyway and the one I would go to is about an hour away. I feel like getting away would solve this, I know it won't but I can dream I guess.

supervised sad

The 2nd supervised visit went worse. For me anyway. L did better, she was a little frightened at first, but then wanted to play with the toys in the room and did fine. The lady told me to go ahead out to the waiting room and that she'd be in her office. While I was sitting out there, i got to thinking, if she's in her office across the hall from the play room, then who is supervising this visit?? So I walked back there again and she was on the phone! while Chris and L were in the other room across the hall! It was nuts. So I stayed outside the door listening to them while I was waiting for this lady to get off the phone so I could ask her what was up. There was a younger girl kinda standing outside of her office also. So As I'm listening I hear Chris interacting with L and he's being stern with her and making her pick up her toys..I felt like going in there and telling him to shut up. He has no right to be stern with MY daughter. blech. Anyway, she gets off the phone and I ask her what exactly they do. The younger girl interrupts and says she was supervising while the lady was on the phone. um. Are you even certified? I don't think this lady is either. She said they are just contracted out by the courts and normally don't even do this type of thing. They are regularly an adoption center! So they aren't even licensed to do this? I dunno the whole thing seems dumb. I feel no justice. I feel let down by the us government. I feel so out of control and frusterated and I honestly think this is making me depressed. I am so. sad right now and just drag about my days. I was happy and peaceful at home and now I just sit there at night and mope. I know I should not let him ruin my life and I should be above it. But how? When I have to do things by the courts that I should not have to be doing. I've been doing everything right. I've been raising my baby for the past almost 4 years solely on my own and now they are saying that I may have to share this right? WHY? I do not get it! All he has is her blood, what the fuck? Ok I'm mad. I know. Anyway, so she says that she is going to pull her chair in the hallway and observe and as long as she can hear and see what is going on then all is well. Ok whatever. So I go back to the lobby and cry the remainder of the session, but I did make sure to go to the bathroom before I saw him to make sure I had no evidence of crying. L asked me to help her with the drinking fountain as we were leaving and So Chris held out this peice of paper as if he was going to help L and wanted me to hold the paper. I just walked right by him and helped her myself. I didn't/couldn't look at him, acknowledge him, anything. I have so much hatred for him. I have never felt this feeling in my gut so strongly before. I don't know how to let go. I can't let go. I feel like I have messed up my daughter's life. I wish I could have given her a different father. I feel like I've let her down somehow. Anyway, so we leave and that was the end of the visit. She then started talking about Dan..then says, I mean Chris. She doesn't even know his name! How can 6 supervised visits of 1 hour incriments be anything to give him rights to start seeing her on a regular basis? I just don't get it. It gives me such a headache to even think about it. I need to ask my dr about antidepressants though because I can feel myself sinking. and fast. D has been good, but I've been a complete bitch to him. I barely will talk to him and and so short with him. He mowed my grass yesterday and I haven't said thank you yet. He asks what's wrong and that he wants to go with me to a visit with Chris to be there for me. He feels bad about all of this, but really he can't help me. No one can. I have to somehow get through this on my own. Figure out a way to deal with it. My dad is still in Greece visiting his new facebook girlfriend. sigh. He usually is with me during the Chris stuff and helping me out. I need to actually talk to Chris and try to be amicable. Let him know that this is not upsetting me and that Im fine with it. I can't and will not give him the satisfaction of knowing this whole thing is pissing me off and what he has done has worked. But I can't even put on a front for him yet. I'm still too mad. Maybe in 2 weeks when my dad is back he can come with me and somehow this will get easier. My mom has nothing to do with the situation and doesn't help me with it. She doesn't want to be involved. She says it's too much for her to deal with and she's already depressed and can't handle it. So she stays away from it. It's hard for her to deal with to, but I wish she'd be there for me. oh well. lunch time.

I don't know the words to say here

I can't even explain the feelings I felt having to take L to the supervised visit last Thursday. It was a horrible nightmare, yet, I was calm and cool on the outside, I was screaming and hot on the inside. We get there and he is already there. We go back to the little room and she is clinging to me tight. She whispers something and I bend over and she says, "I don't want to play with my dad." So I end up able to sit there in the doorway with her inches from me. Then he says to me, "You need to write down things she likes to do and eat so that way when I start taking her I'll know." That was bold. I just said okay. She kept clinging to me for about the first 15-20 minutes of the visit and the lady supervising told me that honestly this is only the 2nd time she has ever seen that happen! I had prepared L for the visit, but not a few days before or anything, I told her that day. She is the type to get overanxious for things so telling her a few days in advanced seemed pointless. She was excited when we were at home, she was so excited to see her dad and "he will have candy for me" " I want to wear my sparkly shoes for my dad" It was so sad to see him standing there pathetic as usual with nothing to offer my daughter. He didn't entice her at all to play, he just sat there. The lady had to keep saying things like, don't you want to play with your dad, look at the toys, blah blah. I felt like I was on some crazy episode of I don't know what. Just felt so out of ordinary. We have to go again this week. By the end of the visit L had warmed up to him and even hugged him goodbye. The lady told Chris he could bring something for her next time if he wants. We'll see. We are doing this 6 times and then he has to take a parenting class and after he completes that then the custody gets reviewed. I've hired a lawyer. In regards to child support I will be winning the case with that. We go before a judge August 10th and my lawyer is very confidant that I will win. In fact, when she ran the numbers, he should actually be paying me more than he already is. So that was good news. She didn't have good news in regards to custody and all we can do is hope he messes up. But at this point I'm assuming that he's going to follow through with all this bs and that it's going to be a fight. I'm not going to be going in blind to this fight that's for sure. My lawyer is the best lawyer in town and mommy and daddy are paying for it for me. I have no shame in that. I'm just so grateful they are on my side with all of this. L hasn't said anything more about Chris since seeing him. She never talks about him. I will tell her again tomorrow that we will be seeing him. I wonder how tomorrows visit will go. sigh. Things with D are going great. He's been such a gem. We get along so wonderfully now that he isn't living there. I feel so liberated and it's a wonderful thing to be in control of my domain again. He is over quite often to help out or just to see the kids. Tonight he's coming over with a movie he rented that I wanted to see. He hasn't given me any money since about 2 weeks before he moved out so I went ahead and filed for child support. I need it. L had the stomache flu on Saturday so of course I came down with it on Monday. I was out of commision and so it was nice to have D there to step in. He even spent the night to take care of baby J during the night time. I really do appreciate the help he's been giving and just how nice he's been. It's so refreshing. Baby boy is doing good. I just started feeling him move around and i'll be 21 weeks on Friday. Although I'm wondering if it's just gas. This baby never moves! I haven't really had any cravings this time around, or any symptoms really other than the growing tummy. I'm calling a new Dr this afternoon to see if they will take me mid-pregnancy. I really dislike the current practice I go to and I've been there through all 3 pregnancies, I always meant to change Dr's but I just never found the time and lately I'm fed up with my treatment so I'm going to explore my options. Lately things have seemed so peaceful and just go-with-the-flow. Life is good. The only stressor in my life right now is Chris and his impact on L. Other than that, things are fine. No complaints. Am I setting myself up by actually typing these positive things? Or can I truly just be at a content place right now with no reprecussions?