thoughts upon thoughts

I was worried for nothing. Which seems to be the story of my life. Not that I'm complaining, but they had me so worried about this aortic stenosis and now today at my appointment told me that it's not cause for concern. Well couldn't they have called and told me this??? I dunno. So looks like this labor and delivery will be able to be natural like the last time. Baby is fine too, they monitored her and everything looks good and normal. yay. D can't get his cdl license now until 2010 because of his license being suspended a few years ago, so he is pretty depressed about that. Seems like he keeps getting dead ends with the job department. He was supposed to get a job with my dad's company but that is not happening either yet so who knows. I just want him to get a nice job, but here in MI that is almost next to impossible! grrr. His group of friends were over the other day and they didn't end up going to the shed, so I'm wondering if he talked to them? Hopefully! We've been doing pretty good now. Not much going on. The weather right now is freezing, it was 50 this morning and we had to get the coats back out. ugh. I just want summer to start!!! Oh we had a really bad thunderstorm this weekend and the house across the street had a tree land on it and it demolished the house!! We had gotten a brand new glass patio table from my aunt for the deck and it got shattered from the wind lifting it up and throwing it. I was upset since we had just gotten the table about 8 hours before the storm. My aunt went and bought us a new one though, so that was awesome. The storm also threw the gutter off my house too. They were saying tornado, but that never happened, I was so afraid. Glad that's over with! My insurance guy....sigh...I think he is Ridiculous!!!! The bank sent me a letter saying they need proof of insurance(on the house) and so I asked him to fax it to them, no big deal, WRONG. He STILL hasn't faxed it and it's been 2 weeks, then when I call him about it he says sometimes that happens and he will mail it. Nope, he never mailed it. Now he's saying he doesn't have a copy of the policy because it can take 30 days to get it? WTF? I want a copy of the damn policy!!!!! If I don't get a copy in the next couple weeks I'm changing insurance. Don't know how hard that is to do. Oh so he said he'd get me a letter for the bank to get them off my back. I just don't think I like this guy, he doesn't seem to be serious at all about his job. When I asked what I owed him he said, oh just throw me $50 for now, and I'll catch up with you later..who does that? Anyway, I am not sure what else to type about. I think I have writers block.

Lots, but nothing, seems to be on my mind lately. I feel like a giant ball of anxiety, yet can't exactly pinpoint my fears. When I was younger it was much easier, I was afraid of everything. If I was playing outside and a jet flew overhead, I would run in the house and into the basement. I was scared of aliens coming to get me while I slept. Scared of fire, dogs, burgelors, thunderstorms, tornadoes, fireworks, death, yep, everything. I grew out of most of those fears, although I still am obsessive about keeping my doors locked at night. Mainly because of np, because I fear him and the obvious kidnapping scarey way of thinking thing. Now when older though, it is harder for me to determine what exactly it is I'm afraid of..except for the obvious np thing. I think right now what scares me the most is the unknown, and that is because I just sat here and pondered on what I actually am afraid of. Maybe that is why people believe in God? So that they can put all their fears on to someone/thing else and they themselves then do not have to worry. Seems like whenever I am troubled it is then I am like, oh yeah, God. I'm not very spiritual these days. God has always been a part of my life, but He comes and goes. I'm scared of not knowing what is up with my health right now. It's June already and I have to deliver this baby sometime in the next few months and that scares me too. I don't want to, I know that is stupid since there is no going back now, but I am still traumatized from the last L&D that I don't think I've gotten over it yet. Yes, I get flashbacks and yes, it was the worst torture of my life. Not saying I wouldn't go through it all again for little L, because I wouldn't in a flash, but it was no picnic. Now I have this heart condition, and I hate that. I am so scared. What if I don't live to see my babies grow? What if I die in a year or 5 or 10? or during childbirth? I want to see my kids live and not being able to do that, well, I guess I'd be dead so at that point I wouldn't care anymore, but right now it's a big fear. I guess if you dwell on death though then you can't really live so no point in it right now. I'm just afraid thaat my heart is now weakened forever. I can't wait for my appointment on June 18th so I can find out more information on this shit. I feel like I know nothing. besides the maybes of it all. At least I can say that my baby is perfectly healthy and it's me that isn't..that brings a peace to it all. I haven't been doing too much these days. Yesterday L and I stayed the night at my mom's house because D was painting and I did not want us around the fumes. I felt so rested this morning, must be because my mom was around to help out with L last night and I could semi relax. Np called me the other day..just saying that he wanted me to call him back. Actually it was a text message, but then after I didn't respond he then proceeded to call. I had my phone number changed. I don't care. I have nothing to say to him. It's been 3 years and whatever you may want/need, you can go through the courts now if you have something to say to me. Nothing you say will ever EVER get me to forgive you. I told D about it and he said I did the right thing. I wish D would just adopt L. It would make life so much simpler because then we could all have the same last name. D I hope is okay with me giving this new baby my last name. It makes the most senes since L has my last name and with school and everything it will just be easier. He and I are getting along, well, okay. We both get frusterated with the other pretty quickly it seems. Although his reasons are always so selfish and childish. He asked me to pick him up a milkshake the other night after church and I didn't because it was way past L's bedtime and she was cranky as all hell, well I got home and he was crabby and was just like, I wish you woulda brought me a milkshake. OMG I was livid. He was just sitting around playing video games while I had to go to church to see my friend get confirmed and it was HELL because L was a total nightmare. Not to mention it was about 100 degrees in there. I have to give him credit though, the other night I had such bad heart burn he went out to the store at 12am to get me some tums. And he painted the whole house. And he brings me stuff to drink when I'm laying on the couch. He does have a good side, it's just that the good things usually don't get talked about, unfortunately. He is sticking with me and it makes me happy. He is probably going to be getting a job at my dad's company, the one that np worked for until he got fired a couple months ago. He's working on getting his CDL right now so that he can get hired, I'm proud of him for working so hard to get a better paying job to help support his family. Here's to hoping. I also get annoyed when he has his friends/cousin over all the fucking time. His cousin Dan is the most annoying person in the world and he's at my house all the time. He's a loser too, no job, no nothing, besides a pest. But he's D's best friend so I tolerated it the first couple times. Now Dan is bringing more and more people with him every time and they are all stoners..they go out to the shed to smoke. The last time I told D it's not allowed on the premises and he still did it and disrespected my wishes, we fought. Then it happened again so I said, that's IT, the next time you are all out in the shed I will go out and make a big scene about it I do not even care. It hasn't happened since, well when I've been home. But I HATE when there are a ton of people in my house that I don't know. It's my house too and it's a FAMILY oriented house not some god damn Dorm room. I really am pissed off about the situation and I hope once I make a big scene about the pot smoke outside they will slowly stop coming over. It is not something that L should be around either, a bunch of potheads sitting around playing video games day in and day out. NO way is that going to happen. UGh. I will call the cops if it happens again after the next time. I wouldnt even hesitate. Anyways, I think I will be going out with co-workers this Friday hopefully for dinner and a movie. I need a sitter, but I'm working on that now. A night away will do me some good. Actually last night was nice not having to deal with D or any of that and just chilling at my mom's house. Just got off the phone with my mom and she agreed to watch L on Friday! woo hoo! She said she doesn't have a bf anymore so why not. Her boyfriend and her fight about as much as D and i , but they don't have a reason to try and hold it together so they break up frequently, I have a feeling they will be back together by Friday but by then it will be too late to tell me she can't babysit, or I guess she still might do that, I'm not going to hold my breath for a sitter I guess. Baby is sitting or kicking right on my bladder these days so I'm outta here to pee for the millionth time today!

aortic stenosis

I got diagnosed with Aortic Stenosis this week. I have no idea really what it even is..just something with my heart. I have had a heart murmur since birth and it was never really an issue. I went to a specialist when I was about 6 and that was it..they said it was mild and that I could still play sports and do everything a normal kid can do. end of story. I had an echo done about 3 years ago only because I was having some chest pains and it came back fine..it's a weird murmur my dr. said, but still not harmful to me. Now I just had another echo a couple weeks ago because my ob recomended it to make sure I need to be hooked to an IV durning labor and delivery. Well the results came back and they say yes I for sure will need the IV of antibiotics and that I have something called Aortic Stenosis. He then proceeds to tell me that this is not good in pregnancy and that women that have this usually need a c-section or forceps for delivery because I am not supposed to push. ( or else I could die!? ) So then I proceeded to say, well I've had a normal delivery in the past and he was like, oh well that makes me feel a lot better, blah blah...I'm just like, yeah you are the one that delivered my first baby! Then he says he's going to talk to the cardiologist again and let them know that i have already had a natural child birth once. My next appointment is June 18th and he is supposed to be giving me more answers at that time, so he better! I am a little freaked out.. Oh then just before I was going to leave he's like, this is a fatal thing, about 1/4 survival rate!! oh geez, thanks doc. SO I'm a bit freaked out and can't wait to just get more results. He also said something about valve replacement surgery and some ultrasound where they would need to knock me out for it cuz they go in through your mouth or something. I think I'd get a second opinion before doing anything like that! I've come to the realization that if anything can go wrong this time around, it's going to. Things with D are about the same. We fight, then we are okay again, then we fight and are okay again. It was never like this prepregnancy so who knows. I'm chalking it up to my being pregnant right now. Sometimes I feel like he just doesn't respect me enough though..maybe I do deserve better? I don't know. my feelings and emotions are so mixed and I honestly don't know how i feel right now. I hope that when the baby gets here he actually helps me out a little more..I'm sure that will be the determining factor of this relationship. The money thing is a huge strain on us right now. I knew going in to this that he didn't have a lot of money though so I should just shut up about it, but it's hard sometimes. His daughter just turned 6 so this weekend we are having cupcakes at our house with his aunt and uncle coming over. I'm going to buy a blow up pool too so that the girls can swim a little bit, it's going to be 90 this weekend so we need to be prepared. thank goodness for Central air...ahhhhhhh. Well, time to get back to work!

It's a new day

Things seem to be going better. Not sure where I left off on the last post, but things are going good these days, at least with d. I know I ranted a bit about him in the last post. He's getting it together(maybe). We've been talking a lot. I realized quite a bit too. Like, how I haven't lived with anyone since having L, so it's kinda weird having him there now. And in my house when I was growing up my dad did everything! He cooked, cleaned, took us to school, picked us up, worked part time and still made more moolah than my mom, laundry, etc...My mom always said that they had an agreement that she would take care of the kids for the first year of our lives and then he gets them the rest of the time..I think that's total bullshit and just her excuse for why he did everything. She didn't even know how to pump her own gas until the divorce 3 years ago. She was totally reliant on my father. She did do some stuff, I can't give her no credit, but just in a nutshell when looking back, I see my father as doing most everything. Therefore, that sucks for whatever guy wants to be in my life because what am I going to expect from them? Um, everything! I didn't explain this all to D yet, but I intend to tell him that story of my childhood so then maybe he will get it more..I'm going to try and help and give my help the best that I can now that i've pinpointed the problem, because I will not use my parent's mistakes as my excuses in life that's for damn sure. After talking to d some more though I think he realized that he needs to help out more too and kind of do his share..we are both the adults and he is not a child that I am going to clean up after, etc. He has A this weekend and that makes me so stressed..not b/c of her, but b/c we ALWAYS fight when she is in town and she is staying until Monday. So I am trying my hardest to plan stuff to do all weekend so that we have no time to fight and the weekend kind of just goes by and we have a nice time. We'll see. A war could be in the future though. Tonight I plan on taking the kids to go and buy some play-doh so that will be fun i hope. Then perhaps grab something for dinner. Tomorrow I'm planning on taking them to the zoo( with D too of course). Then I'm hopefully going out with Stacie in the evening while d watches the kids. I needed at least a couple hours away from the house so I don't go too nutso. My mom is outta town all weekend so no escaping to her house this time. Then Sunday we are going to have a bbq and we have a couple friends coming over for that! So that will be nice and relaxing hopefully..so Saturday we will go and buy the stuff for that as well. Hm. Then Sunday night I have nothing, (uh-0h), need to plan something otherwise this is when the fight will happen. Monday no plans either besides driving A home. she lives about 25 minutes away. It's supposed to thunderstorm on Monday anyways. I really need new bras so maybe I will try and go out shopping on Sunday? I told D that if he wants to go out on Fri or Sun night since I'm getting to go out on Sat, then he can. So not sure, but he mentioned going fishing on Saturday morning, but that isn't at night and I'd much rather watch the kids at night when it's close to bed, like he will be, other than watch them for hours and hours in the am, ya know? Oh well! This could cause a fight also, haha, can you tell I'm paranoid about having a fight? I wish I didn't have to worry about this or that this wasn't an issue! ugh! So, I have stomache issues majorly this week. It all started on I think it was Tues or Wed? I had horrid lower back pain, which i've had for weeks now, but then add on, chills, cramping in the front, and achey and I thought it could be my kidneys. So I went to the doc and they said that it was nothing pregnancy related after they tapped on my back and did a full cervical check to make sure of no preterm labor. So that was a sigh of relief. said it was probably just a virus going around. That night I was bed ridden just felt like ass basically. Then in the morning it started again, I thought it was morning sickness, I was puking as well as stuff coming out of the other end as well. yuck. Now it's Friday and I still am having the same issue, just not puking so much. Not sure if I should call the dr yet or not? I am guessing it's just some sort of virus though so probably not anything to get too concerned about. Except I have no appetite and don't want to eat food because of how my stomache will feel. So I've been living off of smoothies, slurpees, kool-aid and juicy juice. I really want some popsicles. I must say that the day I left work early to go to the doc, D gets out of work at 3pm, so he took care of me. He went out and bought me some soup at this wonderful soup restaurant and then to the store to get me tylenol since all we had was motrin and apparently that is a no no while prego. So he was being wonderful with me. He's a great guy and i really shouldn't bitch so much. I blame the pregnancy though because we were not fighting this much pre-pregnancy, however, we only knew eachother like 3 or 4 months before I got pregnant so not sure if that says anything either. Oh well, I'm not going to read in to it and I still have hope that all will work out. So far so good is all I keep saying. Not sure if I ever mentioned that he got me a ring. It's not an engagement ring, but a white gold ring with an emerald in the middle of a couple diamonds, it's really pretty. I asked if it was a promise ring and he said sure, it can be, haha, so not sure what that means, but promise rings are pretty much bullshit anyways. That reminds me, Lilly said bullshit the other day in the same context as I would say it, I was laughing hysterically at her and so now that she got the good reaction she tends to say it more than she should! Oooops. I need to stop swearing in front of her, but it's so hard. I'll just have to teach her what is right to say and what is wrong, even if mommy sometimes slips and says it. When I was throwing up the other morning she came in and asked if I would like some water. It was so adorable to see her being so sensitive to me being sick. I have never seen her like that! She's really turning in to a person! I need to start getting baby things ready for the new baby, I'm starting to want to nest I think, I'm making checklists in my head of things I need to do/get still, hahhaa..the joys of being a woman.

letting it out

Things are pretty blah today. Things with D have not been very good. We seem to be 2 opposite people trying to live together for the sake of this baby, and I hate saying that and even backspaced over that line once but re-wrote it. I just don't think we are going to make it. I'm trying to stay positive and would give everything in my power to be a happy family and stable. It's just too much pulling on my end. I feel like I am trying to control everything with him, and no that is not fair, but if I was with somebody I was compatible with then I wouldn't need to be so pushy, bossy, bitchy, what have you. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones, but I feel so depressed. He makes me depressed is what I say. Not to him, but in my mind. I desperately miss my life when it was just L and I. However, when it was just L and I, I was so lonely and thought I needed someone else. I don't think I did. I liked being single(now that I'm not). Doesn't make sense does it? I really feel like I screwed things up for myself. Not the baby. I don't resent the baby (anymore) but with D. I shouldn't have invited him in to my life. I should have known better. He's so loyal and a really good guy. Just not someone I can live with! He is so messy and I hate having to clean up after him. I enjoyed cleaning my house when it was just L and me. Now I despise it and just bitch and complain everytime I have to clean after him. He doesn't dust, clean counters or pick up clothes. I've seen him vacuum and do dishes, but even when he does the dishes and there is food in the sink or garbage he just leaves it all in it. Garbage. He leaves garbage everywhere! Whether wrappers, plates and forks(dirty), popcans. Omg I just am fed up. I'm not the type of person that is just going to shut up about it either. I haven't told him any of these frusterations and I'm afraid I will burst. Oh and he tracked mud in the house and didn't wipe the floor. It kills me even typing this out. I know it's probably not that big of a deal, but to me, right now with being preg. , it is a huge deal. The next big thing I despise is the whole money issue. He has taken responsibility in that he's giving me some money out of his paychecks each week, but he's not telling me what it's going towards at all. He just wasted like $40 on a remote control helicoptor and is talking about buying another one. He owes me money yet he's wasting his on mindless bullshit. He said he wants to get his daughter a power wheels for $200 for her 6th birthday. wtf. Don't these things have age limits. What 6yr old would want one of these? And why not get her something else more practical and wait a year so that we can get on our feet to get her something more expensive. But heaven forbid I say anything to him about it because it's his daughter and I shouldn't get involved, i suppose, or so he says. I bring up money and he mumbles his way out of the conversation. I'm not going to continue living with this person if he doesn't talk to me or do things my way I guess. I guess I will have to kick him out and try and manage 2 kiddos on my own. that scares me to death. I feel like I almost need him in order to survive. I don't really do anything with my life and that is also something else that is depressing. I go to work, I eat and I sleep. It's not good for me, I know this, yet how can I possibly change things? By the time I get out of work and get L fed, it is then bathtime for L and then bedtime and then I'm too exhausted to do anything else so I crash myself. It's not healthy but there is nothing left to do. I hate working til 5 now, it give me no time to even unwind after work, it's constantly go go go and then I crash and D is getting pissed at me because I'm not in the mood to do anything and all I do is want to sleep. He also gets moody and so if he's in a bad mood I am not going to be miss sunshine for his ass. ugh. Between work and my boss' retirement party I have an hour to myself, I'm going to the park to take a walk, alone. I need it. I need some serious soul searching done. I need to process all of these thoughts and figure out what I want and need for me. I can't lose myself. I won't do that again. I did with Chris and it wasn't until I was 2 months away from the relationship that I even knew and realized that I was lost. That's what is scaring me. What if the same thing has happened already? Chris really fucked me up though so maybe I'm just not letting my guard down yet out of fear. I just want to figure things all out and I honestly don't know if that's going to happen. I hope the weekend gives me some rest.

Reflections on 26

Well let's see, I'm trying to think of things I accomplished last year. I moved out of my mother's house (yay!) and got settled in to my new apartment with L. I lost about 20+ lbs with a combonation of a strict diet and exercising at night after putting L to sleep. My friend Tina got married and I met D at her wedding. After being single for 2+years it was nice having someone there again. I got pregnant in December. Gained about 20lbs back now. and moved in to my new house with D and L. At least the weight will come off again and it's a little blessing the reason for my weight gain. But I would say I had a pretty damn good 26. I turned 27 yesterday and couldn't be happier! I had a very wonderful birthday. My dad came over after work and took me, L and D out to dinner at a steakhouse so that was good! He(my dad) brought me flowers in 2 pots for outside for my Mother's Day present and then a check for my birthday present, yay dad! Dinner was nice and then afterward Stacie came over and brought me a cake and a gift card to my favorite restaurant! Stacie and I are slowly reconnecting again and trying to keep the friendship in tact. I don't want to lose her, she's my only friend and she is a GREAT friend. She went to pick up our friend Mark from the airport last night. He goes to school at Gonzaga in Washington so it will be nice to have him home for the summer. Stacie didn't stay over too long and then I put L to sleep around 8:30 and went right to bed myself..so nothing too exciting but it was a special day. D got mad at me before bed because I wouldn't sleep with him. Heaven forbid I am tired and my back is killing me and it's not going to put me in the mood when you ask permission to do it. So he was pouting and I fell asleep. I don't care anymore. I guess my b-day could have ended a bit better, but oh well, no complaints. Today he just said that I get mad if he doesn't ask permission so he's not sure what he's supposed to do. Well, I wish I could have had the guts to say, just leave me the hell alone, but I just said well why don't we just comprimise. And I left it at that. He's grumpy though I know that much. He spilled something on the sheets I had just washed over the weekend and he hasn't rewashed them yet, i'm wondering how long it's going to take. I fear it is chocolate milk and is going to stink, but I refuse to rewash them when I just did it. he can do it. i'm just sick of being pregnant already I realized. I hate how he thinks pregnancy is like a walk in the park and I still should be able to do everything that I was before. Maybe I'm getting too dependant on him? But I hate cleaning up after him and so I have to ask him to do things all the time I feel like. I feel like if I don't then it won't get done. and I'm not about to clean up his mess. ugh. Ok I kind of went off on a tangent for a minute there but I'm just frusterated with the living situation right now I think. It's an adjustment to say the least. This Friday is my Boss' retirement party so my mom I think is going to babysit. Oh we are going to my mom's house tonight also to get my birthday present and so she can see L. So the retirement party is at 6PM so I'm just going to stay around work since it's at a restaurant near work. So my mom will pick L up from daycare. Then Saturday is buying flowers day and also helping mom out with the garage sale day. Saturday night I think D is having his aunt and uncle over to see the new place and we are grilling hotdogs so that will be nice. I have a jam packed weekend already it feels like. That rarely happens. We are moving at work. We are now moving upstairs to the new area and I couldn't be happier. Maybe we will actually have windows and this job won't feel like a prison. I'm pretty sure I will still be in a cubicle but at least if I stand up maybe I can see out a window! I'm just excited about a change I guess and having something new to look forward to. A new home.

Goodbye Murfy.

My mom had my dog put to sleep on the 8th and I was less than thrilled. I understand that the dog was puking and shitting all over the house, but she didn't even let a vet examine her, she just took her to the animal control and had her put down. I got this yorkie when I was 14 and she was the loyalest, bestest dog in the world. I guess I could have taken the dog, but I was selfish and didn't want her puking and shitting all over my house either, so I didn't stop my mom from doing it. Now L is looking for her and asking for her and it's so sad. I just told her that she went bye-bye and is in heaven now. ugh. It's weird when a pet goes. It's sad like a part of your life is now gone. Definitely not as heavy as when a close human goes, but still a loss and it sucks. This weekend was very eventful and very wonderful. Minus the fights that D and I got in to. Main one being, he had A this weekend. Seems like everytime she is in we fight. Not saying I blame her, but our fights always happen when she is in and then as soon as she is gone we are back to normal again. What is up with that!? She's 5 and is a sweetheart, just a normal 5 year old that asks a billion questions and is always in your face, but she's sweet at least. D left me alone with her and L while he was in the bedroom sleeping and then watching tv. I wouldn't of minded but then the hours past and I had been up with them since 7am and going a bit nutty. Then the longer he left me with them the more angry I got. He never lets me sleep in, let alone watch tv in the bedroom while he tends to L. Never. So I got pissed. I went in the bedroom and told him I was taking L and we were going out for a bit. He asked why and I said, because you can go take care of your daughter for awhile, weekends are your time with her, I'm not going to sit and handle both of them while you are in here doing whatever when you never give me that type of a break. He thinks his daughter is completely self sufficient so whenever I say stuff like help me or something he always says, she can do that on her own ,or she is fine by herself..but what he doesn't get is that I have the both of them and she acts completely different around me than around him. Around me she acts more like a kid and around him she is just very obedient and of course he sees her being some self sufficient person because that's how she is around him because that's how he wants her to be. Ugh..it all pisses me off and he doesn't realize that she just needs his presense and doesn't need to be pawned off on his girlfriend! ok rant over. Oh but one other thing. So L and I took off and went to the store and then to my mom's house for the afternoon and he didn't talk to me all day, then came home at around 7pm with no A. I asked where she was and he said she was spending the night at his aunt's house(his previous residence before moving in with us). I felt kinda bad then, as if it was my fault that he didn't have her come back, but he assured me that she wanted to stay there. For some reason I feel like he is not very close with his daughter, and that makes me sad. I wish they had a better relationship..sometimes it seems like his relationship with L is better than his relationship with A. Ok anyway, so I got things all ready for the garage sale my mom is having this weekend! wahoo, some extra cash headed my way! and some shit cleared outta my house too. I feel so much better. I got the nursery all cleaned out on Saturday while D was mia. Now it is a toyroom for L and I seriously have no clue where I will put L's toys once this new baby arrives! But L's room and baby's room are clean, that is all that matters, and I feel like my house is finally in order - except for the outside. This weekend between garage sale, D and I are going to the greenhouse to buy some flowers so I can plant my flower garden finally, I have been looking forward to this for so long!! I can't wait! The weather here really sucks, it rained all day yesterday and was freezing. I did have a lovely Mother's Day though!!! I woke up Sunday still disgruntled with D from our fight the day before. He got up around 9 and came out and kissed me on the cheeek and said Happy Mother's Day. wow he remembered, I was impressed! Then he told me that he was taking the pop cans back and L really wanted to go so they went and I got to take a shower kid-free so that was wonderful in itself. Anyone that has kids would understand the greatness of taking a kid-free shower! Then I could clean up the house a bit and lay down just intime for L to come barging in saying over and over, "Happy Mother's Day!" she was carrying this huge Lily! It was beautiful! Then D gave me a hug and showed me the pink rose he was holding behind his back for me. Awe, what a sweetheart! Later that day we went to his sister's farm with A and L and L loved seeing all of the cows and chickens. Then D stopped at the store quick and bought some flowers, which I thought might be for A's mom or maybe his aunt, he wouldn't say. So then we get to the cemetary. I didn't realize where his mom was buried as I had never been there with him, so it was quite emotional and I saw on the grave that she was born in 1958 which is 3 years younger than my own mother. He really has not fully coped from the loss of his mother and it's hard for me to even know what to do or say. At first he asked if I was coming out of the car and I just shook my head no. I thought maybe he would want to say a few words to her. Then I got out of the car and went and checked it out quick and then back to the car. It was sweet to see all the men at the cemetary visiting lost loved ones. I felt special that D included me with the visit to his mother, I wish I could have met this lady. She died in 2003. After his sister's house we went to my mom's house and ate dinner, which is a big deal because D never comes to my mom's house or wants to visit with my family, but I guess he is starting to come around a little bit because he came this time! woo hoo! We got things ready for the garage sale and then left my mom's house. I gave L a bath and got her in bed by 8:30 and then we watched the movie Arachnaphobia! It was a good movie, it's old but I hadn't seen it before and got it through my netflix account. So all in all it was a great Mother's Day and I couldn't have asked for better people to spend it with. D does things to piss me off, but he always more than makes up for it somehow..is that good or bad? Right now I'm happy though so that's all that matters right? Baby is sitting directly on my bladder I do believe and my lower back is just killin me! But I'm managing. I don't even want to walk though even though I know it's whats best. Lunch time so I gotta go!