Ready or not

WOHM

2010-08-26T09:29:00.001-04:00

Yes, I am a working outside of the home mother, does that mean I am not a full time mother? nope! I don't understand the logic of this at all. If I did not work, I would be a welfare recepient. I would much rather be self sufficient than live off of the government. I work in social work so I do see both sides of the coin. I am a single mom, therefore, I do not have a husband to bring home the bacon. So guess what? I have to put my children in day care and go to work all day. But then guess what? I still have to come home and do everything in 5 hours that a "SAHM" gets to spread throughout her 16 hour day. NOT at all saying that SAHM have it easier!!! I give them a LOT of respect~! I daydream sometimes about being one!! I do get 4 weeks off in a year with my vacation/sick time so sometimes I will take a day off and still send the kids to day care and go to appointments/deep clean the house/shop/take a nap! I also will take a day off with one child and send the other 2 to daycare so I can get some much needed 1 on 1 time with them. It just depends on what is going on. L starts school in a couple weeks. (young 5's) so I will be taking half day off next week to take her school clothes/supplies shopping. I just have to rearrange things, but really I do everything that a SAHM does, just have a job 40/week squeezed in there too. It works for me for now. I just had to post because this debate came up on a certain birth board recently and i was too much of a chicken to post my 2 cents on there :)

I forgot about this thing.

2010-06-14T14:48:00.002-04:00

Well, it's been a while. I lost my favorites list a while back at work and this got lost in the process. but i'm back! I read the previous post and my life really hasn't changed much in the past year. Except for the fact that I now have a 4yr, 1yr and now a 6 month old! It's ridiculous how fast the time is going. My life still feels crazy, but I guess that is because it actually is! I don't have a pause button. I am constantly moving. My only sanity is coming to work everyday. How many people can say that? I consider work my "me" time. That's ok though, it keeps me sane and that is all that matters is what works for us and me. Chris: well, he called a while back, I think it was May 5th we had a court hearing regarding child support. He still had not contacted us at all since Aug. 09. So we had this hearing and it ended up the child support stayed the same. So surprise surprise he called after the hearing(the same day) to try and set up parenting time. He was supposed to bring that up at the hearing. So I called my lawyer to see how to handle the situation. It ended up that I called him and left him a voice mail that he was supposed to complete the parenting class and I still did not have any documents proving that he did that. Once received we will move forward with parenting time. He called me back TONS of times, and I tried calling him back twice and he never answered so I just started ignoring his calls. He's having another baby, too, I found out. He stopped calling me now, so I'm sure that means I will get something in the mail inregard to a hearing of some sort. Ohwell. I will not subject L to him when he is being such a half assed dad, what's he want his annual fix? He actually has pictures of her on his facebook that are from our supervised visits last year that say crap like, "my princess" and when I saw that it literally made me gag. D: Oh, D. Good ol' D. There are so many stories, I don't even want to revisit them. Currently he is being an excellent dad to the kids. He comes over in the AM and helps me out with getting them ready before school/daycare. Then he is always there at daycare at the end of the day to help with picking them up. He comes to my house and helps with dinner, bathtime and bedtime. Then leaves. It is a GREAT set up. We are doing wonderfully as parents. Right now. There have been some altercations here and there, but right now, at present, things are good. He starts a new job, today actually, that is 2nd shift, therefore, I will no longer have help in the weekends. Let's hope this doesn't cause insanity for me. Back in March of this year I received an anonymous email on facebook from some girl. She stated how she worked with D and how they were more than friends from January until recently(recently being March when I received the email). She finished the email by telling me she was 2 months pregnant with his child. My jaw dropped. I was at work and ran to the bathroom and started to cry. Little B was only 3 months old at the time I got that email and the next month was a blur. I've never gotten such a slap in the face in my life. It's not like D and I were a couple at that time(kinda like how we are now). So it didn't hurt as much as it could have if say, we were married or even a boyfriend/girlfriend type couple. Nonetheless, it was painful. He does not love her, he told me he wants me, and never even wanted her at all. He's(so far) not going to be involved with her or this child(how sad because I know what that feels like, too). Ugh. I'm over it now, in a sense. Probably because it's over between them. It could be much worse. much. and that is what keeps me going. The kids are great! Baby B is seriously the happiest baby, ever! He is OH SO happy! L and J are both great big sisters. J is going through the terrible 2's (at age 1) and is giving me a run for my money. L is sometimes intolerable, but what 4 year old isn't? I am trucking along. I'm a day by day type of person and today...is good!

A million + 1 things to do...

2009-10-29T14:56:00.002-04:00

I am not prepared in the least for this baby. I have so much to do yet I feel overwhelmed. I have about 5 weeks left and that scares the crap out of me. 35 weeks tomorrow! Things physically seem to be going along fine..nice normal pregnancy..baby is going to weigh a bit more than the girls did, but seriously any lb baby hurts just the same in my opinion, whether it's 5lbs or 8lbs...it still hurts! This baby is still nameless and I hate that. I never had a boy name that I was in love with growing up. Actually I always used to say if I had a boy I'd name him Jayson. So we'll see! Things with Chris are dormant. I have not heard from him since the last supervised visit. Which I believe was the middle of August, but not sure. I got a letter in the mail re: child support which stated that it's going up because of his arrearage, but other than that, it's been quiet. oh and still haven't even gotten aformentioned child support from him. My aunt ran in to an EXfriend of mine and told her a bunch of stuff about me and about Chris and blah blah...not realizing that this ex friend is friends with Chris. I was a bit upset because I really hate for Chris to know anything about our life right now. So I'm a bit stressed about that and hope that nothing comes of it. I still feel like my life is a dream right now, I may need anti-depressants. I'm getting by, but not fullfilled. Baby J is still not sleeping through the night which is rough. I barely can sleep through out the night because of my uncomfortableness. Needless to say, I'm a zombie. Not to mention L sleeps with me now and does not go to bed until after 10 because of the wonderful naps they force her to take at day care..ugh. Then up at 6 for work. Work. I hate it. I wish I was on bedrest. I don't wish to be a stay at home mom though. I would go nuts. Weekends are long enough and I'm ready to drop the kids off by Monday. I'm only taking 4-6 weeks off after delivery because I know I will be ready for a break. Maybe a part time job would do me some good. I just dont' know what I'm doing financially yet. My house I will probably put for sale soon so I can go and stay with my mom and save for a bigger house. I can afford the house I'm in now, but I will never be able to save any $ if I stay there and I literally need a bigger house. Me and 3 kids can not fit. Things with D are day by day-right now things are okay. He still hasn't paid me any child support um ever, but he helps out with the kids whenever i ask..he's never told me no. So really I can't complain. It's so much more than I ever got with Chris. He talks about moving back in but he knows my stance on that. Not to mention if i'm selling the place anyway there is no point. I can not house him and his daughter anyway, so no way jose! We get along though and I love it. We have our fights especially because I'm a hormonal mess lately and get mad at him for the stupidest shit, but what's new with that? He doesn't throw objects anymore or punch in picture frames he just walks out the door and goes home, so it works out lovely. L is a little miracle these days. She is so smart and sometimes it's scarey. She is a true wonder and I love spending time with them so much. My mom and Denny try and help me out as much as possible so that I can get enough one on one time with each kid. My mom is truley my lifeline. She came over last night and vaccumed my house for me and helped pick up, I was drowning with the cleaning thing and I think she sensed that since I started bawling to her on the phone about something dumb. So she came to save the day. I have to say it would be tough to live with her again because she is always judging and breathing down my neck, but if I just let it go in one ear and out the other then maybe it could work for 6 months or something. She offered it to me so it's not as though I asked to move myself and 3 babies in with her. I guess we shall see what happens. Next time I update will probably be when I already have the baby, time is going by so quickly it scares me.

about 28 weeks

2009-09-09T13:49:00.003-04:00

wow..I'm 28 weeks along now..it's zooming by which is the opposite of what I wanted/needed to happen. Everything that's happening I just keep thinking, I just did this!!! I went and picked up J's birth certificate finally today, yeah I'm a big procrastinator and seeing that she's going to be 1 in a couple weeks I figured I'd better get it! Less than 2 weeks and she will be 1! Holy cow time is just fllying by. I feel like I missed out on J's whole baby stage. I have little pictures of her. Poor middle child! ugh. I need to start taking a ton of them. I'm going to get their professional ones done, but that is always so stressful, it will take a day with lots of energy to try that I guess. Or maybe one day we'll just do it randomly. They are good girls. They seem like they are going to get along really well, it's adorable. My dad ended up taking L to her 6th and final visit with Chris. The next step? I have no idea. I wish I knew something, anything, but I don't. The uncertainty is eating away at my existance. D makes me mad quite often. Just with things he says. So happy we don't live together anymore for that reason, that and the fact that when he is over he just lays on the couch watching me taking care of my two kids. I have asked for help and have even pleaded, but he doesn't care, doesn't listen. He told me yesterday that when they start taking more money out of his checks for J's child support he's going to quit his job. I called him a loser and started crying. I think it's bullshit that he's paying to support A, his other kid that's not mine, but won't help out me and my kids!? What the fuck ever. He's just like any other deadbeat then if he's gonna play that game. He is still trying to be sweet to me and kiss me and trys to have sex with me just about every day. sigh. I like the attention so I don't mind it. But he's not changing and that's what I was hoping for. But nope. Looks like he's not the one for me and I may have to tell him to back off for a while. Even though every day I call him over to hang out or go to the store with us or at least see him. It probably should end at some point. I do need the help though. I go nuts with just the 2 girls. I just keep thinking, how in the hell is this going to work with 3? and 2 under 2! I realize it's my own choices, but holy hell I'm gonna be bonkers for a few years. Right now I look like a beached whale. I am so bloated I can barely walk, my face blew up like a balloon, I can't wait until my next appointment just to make sure everything is going along fine. I feel so odd. I started walking in the evenings with J in the stroller and L on her bike, but my back is killing me after 2 days of it. ugh. There was 4 weeks between my last 2 appointments, so I have one next week..I can't wait. Then after that one i will have one every 2 weeks. yuck. My job really can not excuse me that often, but they have to because of fmla, but I hate taking the time off before the baby is actually here. Anyway, not too much else going on, just barely making it to work on time everyday and looking like hell on wheels because I just roll out of bed last minute, put on one of the 2 pair of pants that still fit and an oversize shirt, throw my hair half up on my head with a clip, no make up..yes..it's bad! Then my poor children are half asleep when I arrive to daycare with hair not done, teeth forgot to brush, clothes are there, shoes could be random though. They still love me though :0)

overwhelmed

2009-08-26T10:47:00.002-04:00

Today I'm the epitome of a pregnant woman. I'm a hormonal mess and my mood is all over the place. I've been crying the entire morning. Stuff just keeps adding on and I just feel like I can't take it anymore. My mom told me, well you got yourself in to this mess. Yeah thanks a lot, just what I needed to hear this morning, I already KNEW that. I just wanted to vent and have someone listen, I guess I can't use her anymore. Crying began this morning after leaving daycare. They told me that once this baby arrives the cost of day care is going to be $289/ week. $289/week. Had to type that again. Can't even fathom it. Right now I pay $229/week and struggle. How the heck is this going to work. The DHS is not going to give me any type of assistance for day care even once this one pops out. I would need to have another kid to get even 70% of my daycare bill paid. What doesn't make sense is that my take home pay is only about $300/month more than what I'll be paying in day care in a month. I'm sorry but I can not pay rent, consumers, buy food, diapers, live my life off of $300/month..it's just not going to happen. So what am I to do? I have no freakin idea. I don't even know how to think about this logically and at this point I just cry. On top of that, D is mad at me. We had the whole last name discussion last night. My babies all have my last name. Why wouldn't they!? Why would I give my son his last name only because he's a boy? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard and I think D is being very selfish in this matter. He won't talk to me. My friend got me a free ticket to a local baseball game tomorrow so I was going to do that with friends and now I don't know since he was the one that was going to babysit so I could go. Now he's being a baby and not even speaking to me so who knows if I'll even go. We were getting along so well before this. Although on Saturday I had a friend in town and she wanted to go shopping to Target, so I got D to watch J so we could go and not have to worry about a baby in the cart. Welll he called me twice while we were there and then told me to hurry because he had to be home for dinner and couldn't be late? So we had to rush back and we were a little late and he left without even saying bye to me slammed the door and then squealed his tired when he left. sigh. What a little baby. I'm sure his aunt and uncle would not have been mad had he been a half hour late for dinner. I was so mad, but I agreed to have him over last night to watch a movie. Well then he said he didn't like the way Brandon sounded with his last name and I said, this baby is not going to have your last name. and that was it, he stopped talking to me, walked out of my house on the movie and now hasn't talked to me since. Stupid boys. Then I get to work this morning and find out that everyone is going on a picnic at lunch time. No one even invited me. I feel so left out and bummed. I know I shouldnt be pissed about a stupid office lunch, but I guess it's my hormones because my feelings are very hurt. I think I'm gonna get applebees drive through to make myself feel better. I don't know. It's just been a crappy couple of days and I'm feeling pretty low. My dad is taking L to her last and final supervised visit, if I end up going to that baseball game. What happens next there I am not sure. The unknown scares me. But for now I have to try and not agonize over it. Easier said than done. My heart is in knots.

visit #5

2009-08-21T09:10:00.002-04:00

This past week I've been feeling a little bit more at peace with the whole situation. I figure, some kids have it a lot worse. The whole situation could be a lot worse. And for that I am grateful. I keep telling myself not to be selfish, that this isn't about me. It's about Chris wanting to get to know his daughter, even though he's about 4 years late for that and I will forever be bitter about that, but there really is nothing I can do about it now so why not just let it go. Just for my own health reasons, I need to just breathe and let it all go. A new start. If he wants to get to know her, then I suppose I should be happy about that. It should be good for her. Even though last night was annoying. I get there and the lady asked Chris to take her hand and take her back. She just clung to me and wouldn't budge. So I said, well can I just carry her back please? Since Chris was just standing there not helping the situation one bit, hands in pockets. So I carry her back and she starts crying saying she wants to play with me. So I tell her that we will play later as I'm prying her off of me. She still clings. The lady finally pretty much forced me to walk out and I still hear L crying for me. Very heartbreaking. I'm not sure what my rights are, but I honestly don't think I'm court ordered to leave her crying in there? I need to find that out. She of course was fine after a few minutes, but it still sucked. My sunglasses fell off my head as I was trying to get her to get off of me and Chris picked them up for me and I said thanks..so that was an improvement, I actually made eye contact too, so who knows. But then..they were donewith the visit and I was trying to get out of there as quick as possible. So I said let's get going. And Chris is carrying her out of the building so I said, No, I got her and he's like, No, I got her. So he just walks out of the building carrying her!! I was so pissed off. I ran up to him and pretty much grabbed her and was just like, come on L! He really is trying to control this situation and it's really pissing me off. But there again, I need to just let it go. I need to find peace with this somehow. Our last visit is next week then I'm not sure what happens. I'm sure it's not good though. I'm sure that he's going to end up getting to take her every other weekend or some bs. I really think he has that right being her bio dad and all. Not that I like it, I think it's fucked up and the court system is a crock. But I have to smile and let it go. Because if I don't then I look like the bad guy.

Visit #4

2009-08-14T14:10:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to document it somewhere. Before we left when I was explaining where we were going L told me, "D and Chris are both my dads" and I said, yes you can have more than one dad, that's fine. and she said, "I want D to be my daddy." It broke my heart and I wasn't sure what to say. We get there and she was clingy again but I reassured her that everything was fine, pried her fingers from myself and walked out of the room, I was a lot more strong. My dad was there as well so that helped me from falling apart in the waiting room. The lady that normally does the visits was not there so her supervisor supervised the visit and I was happy with that! She actually sat down with her notebook and it was much more professional! So that was a relief. When I was trying to get L to let go of me the lady said something like, "come on, dad" because he was just standing there with his hands in his pocket not saying a word. Of course an hour later when they came out he was being all fake and not even acting himself. L can see right through him though. She did give him a hug and a kiss on the lips though, YELCK! I almost puked. I hate that he walks out with us too..makes me feel edgey. I guess we shall see what next week brings. L hasn't said a word about last nights visit. Her behavior sure has changed since this all started though. I hate that. Not to mention she's not sleeping anymore either and she seems to be peeing more frequently also. Not sure if that is normal or not, my dad says it's because she's scared. Not sure how accurate that is! My dad says if he really loved her he would just walk away, if he realized what this is doing to her. He's too in to himself to care what this is doing to her..he's only thinking of himself and what he needs and wants. He's human, but a pityful excuse for one. I was as pleasant as I could be though and had no anxiety, I was much more calm, but there was no need for me to speak to him this time.

a good day in court

2009-08-10T15:04:00.001-04:00

I had court this morning with Chris in regards to his child support. He had requested back in April that his CS was reduced. So we had a hearing in June and the mediator person at that time wanted to reduce his CS by more than half! I disagreed to that and so it was then postponed to today for a hearing in front of the judge. Well, before going to the judge we met for another mediation. This time I had my lawyer with me thankfully because things seemed to go so much more smooth. They basically ate him alive asking him why he wasn't working 2 jobs. Currently he's working at fed ex for 20 hours a week, which he failed to report to the courts until today. The decision, which Chris agreed to, was to keep the support where it's at. I won. He's pissed. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but I don't feel sorry for him one bit. just wonder what he is going to do next. The guy told him he's going to be starting to take the CS out of his paychecks, which will be more than 50% of his net pay. hooray. Maybe this will motivate him to get a better paying job or perhaps a second job. My lawyer is awesome! She said something along the lines of, well Jill would love to be able to go to a 20 hour per week job but she can't because she has to take care of her children. The mediator guy was great too and was lecturing Chris on income and what he needs and should be doing to provide for his child. loved it. At least something with this whole situation has finally gone my way. I needed this. Maybe this is what I needed to be a little more friendly at the supervised visits..we'll see how this week goes.

visit #3

2009-08-07T09:15:00.002-04:00

Last night was the 3rd visit. L still clung to me in the beginning. The lady let me walk back there with them so that was good. She wouldn't let go so I just stood there with her in an awkward silence. The lady finally said, 'I think you need to help her to get down, Jill'. So I did, but was thinking, why was Chris just standing there, he could have helped to entice her to play with him. But whatever. He held the door open for us and when I didn't say anything he said sarcastically, "your welcome!" Ok, I probably should have said thank you but I have the attitude of, I don't owe you any thanks. Which I know is something I REALLY need to work on. I need to realize that this might be a positive thing for L and she needs to know who her real dad is, even if he is a pos. I need to realize that I made a baby with him and now I will forever be tied to him and yeah it sucks, but at least I still have L out of the deal. I did bad again last night and no matter how I tried to tell myself these things I still could not make eye contact, still could not say a word to him, still had so much hate. I sat in the lobby doing some unrelated paperwork to keep my mind off of where I actually was. When it was over, on the drive home, I cried again. Mainly I started crying because I called my mom afterward and told her about how I didn't say thank you to him and she bitched me out saying I should have and blah blah blah. I really did not need to hear that at that time. This is already hard enough for me. L doesn't say anything about any of it, and I'm not going to probe her. I just hope that this is positive for her and that she is enjoying it. If she is happy then I can somehow manage to be fake happy. I just am not sure because she never says a thing. Chris stayed back with the lady after we left, I am curious what they talked about but my guess is he was asking her if next week would be the last visit. The recomendation was to have him do 4-6 visits and the lady told me the first day that we would be doing 6. So I hope he didn't get the answer he was looking for. If that's even what was being said. I dont' know anything about any of this and that just makes me really mad too. This is my daughter and I don't know what's going on behind closed doors. I'm not sure how closely he's being supervised. I just feel so out of control and I hate this feeling. I'm thinking of moving. I can't move out of state because for some reason he now has rights and can stop me from doing so. gotta love the system! But I CAN move several hours away from him ass. I want to go back to college anyway and the one I would go to is about an hour away. I feel like getting away would solve this, I know it won't but I can dream I guess.

supervised sad

2009-07-31T12:09:00.002-04:00

The 2nd supervised visit went worse. For me anyway. L did better, she was a little frightened at first, but then wanted to play with the toys in the room and did fine. The lady told me to go ahead out to the waiting room and that she'd be in her office. While I was sitting out there, i got to thinking, if she's in her office across the hall from the play room, then who is supervising this visit?? So I walked back there again and she was on the phone! while Chris and L were in the other room across the hall! It was nuts. So I stayed outside the door listening to them while I was waiting for this lady to get off the phone so I could ask her what was up. There was a younger girl kinda standing outside of her office also. So As I'm listening I hear Chris interacting with L and he's being stern with her and making her pick up her toys..I felt like going in there and telling him to shut up. He has no right to be stern with MY daughter. blech. Anyway, she gets off the phone and I ask her what exactly they do. The younger girl interrupts and says she was supervising while the lady was on the phone. um. Are you even certified? I don't think this lady is either. She said they are just contracted out by the courts and normally don't even do this type of thing. They are regularly an adoption center! So they aren't even licensed to do this? I dunno the whole thing seems dumb. I feel no justice. I feel let down by the us government. I feel so out of control and frusterated and I honestly think this is making me depressed. I am so. sad right now and just drag about my days. I was happy and peaceful at home and now I just sit there at night and mope. I know I should not let him ruin my life and I should be above it. But how? When I have to do things by the courts that I should not have to be doing. I've been doing everything right. I've been raising my baby for the past almost 4 years solely on my own and now they are saying that I may have to share this right? WHY? I do not get it! All he has is her blood, what the fuck? Ok I'm mad. I know. Anyway, so she says that she is going to pull her chair in the hallway and observe and as long as she can hear and see what is going on then all is well. Ok whatever. So I go back to the lobby and cry the remainder of the session, but I did make sure to go to the bathroom before I saw him to make sure I had no evidence of crying. L asked me to help her with the drinking fountain as we were leaving and So Chris held out this peice of paper as if he was going to help L and wanted me to hold the paper. I just walked right by him and helped her myself. I didn't/couldn't look at him, acknowledge him, anything. I have so much hatred for him. I have never felt this feeling in my gut so strongly before. I don't know how to let go. I can't let go. I feel like I have messed up my daughter's life. I wish I could have given her a different father. I feel like I've let her down somehow. Anyway, so we leave and that was the end of the visit. She then started talking about Dan..then says, I mean Chris. She doesn't even know his name! How can 6 supervised visits of 1 hour incriments be anything to give him rights to start seeing her on a regular basis? I just don't get it. It gives me such a headache to even think about it. I need to ask my dr about antidepressants though because I can feel myself sinking. and fast. D has been good, but I've been a complete bitch to him. I barely will talk to him and and so short with him. He mowed my grass yesterday and I haven't said thank you yet. He asks what's wrong and that he wants to go with me to a visit with Chris to be there for me. He feels bad about all of this, but really he can't help me. No one can. I have to somehow get through this on my own. Figure out a way to deal with it. My dad is still in Greece visiting his new facebook girlfriend. sigh. He usually is with me during the Chris stuff and helping me out. I need to actually talk to Chris and try to be amicable. Let him know that this is not upsetting me and that Im fine with it. I can't and will not give him the satisfaction of knowing this whole thing is pissing me off and what he has done has worked. But I can't even put on a front for him yet. I'm still too mad. Maybe in 2 weeks when my dad is back he can come with me and somehow this will get easier. My mom has nothing to do with the situation and doesn't help me with it. She doesn't want to be involved. She says it's too much for her to deal with and she's already depressed and can't handle it. So she stays away from it. It's hard for her to deal with to, but I wish she'd be there for me. oh well. lunch time.

I don't know the words to say here

2009-07-29T12:55:00.002-04:00

I can't even explain the feelings I felt having to take L to the supervised visit last Thursday. It was a horrible nightmare, yet, I was calm and cool on the outside, I was screaming and hot on the inside. We get there and he is already there. We go back to the little room and she is clinging to me tight. She whispers something and I bend over and she says, "I don't want to play with my dad." So I end up able to sit there in the doorway with her inches from me. Then he says to me, "You need to write down things she likes to do and eat so that way when I start taking her I'll know." That was bold. I just said okay. She kept clinging to me for about the first 15-20 minutes of the visit and the lady supervising told me that honestly this is only the 2nd time she has ever seen that happen! I had prepared L for the visit, but not a few days before or anything, I told her that day. She is the type to get overanxious for things so telling her a few days in advanced seemed pointless. She was excited when we were at home, she was so excited to see her dad and "he will have candy for me" " I want to wear my sparkly shoes for my dad" It was so sad to see him standing there pathetic as usual with nothing to offer my daughter. He didn't entice her at all to play, he just sat there. The lady had to keep saying things like, don't you want to play with your dad, look at the toys, blah blah. I felt like I was on some crazy episode of I don't know what. Just felt so out of ordinary. We have to go again this week. By the end of the visit L had warmed up to him and even hugged him goodbye. The lady told Chris he could bring something for her next time if he wants. We'll see. We are doing this 6 times and then he has to take a parenting class and after he completes that then the custody gets reviewed. I've hired a lawyer. In regards to child support I will be winning the case with that. We go before a judge August 10th and my lawyer is very confidant that I will win. In fact, when she ran the numbers, he should actually be paying me more than he already is. So that was good news. She didn't have good news in regards to custody and all we can do is hope he messes up. But at this point I'm assuming that he's going to follow through with all this bs and that it's going to be a fight. I'm not going to be going in blind to this fight that's for sure. My lawyer is the best lawyer in town and mommy and daddy are paying for it for me. I have no shame in that. I'm just so grateful they are on my side with all of this. L hasn't said anything more about Chris since seeing him. She never talks about him. I will tell her again tomorrow that we will be seeing him. I wonder how tomorrows visit will go. sigh. Things with D are going great. He's been such a gem. We get along so wonderfully now that he isn't living there. I feel so liberated and it's a wonderful thing to be in control of my domain again. He is over quite often to help out or just to see the kids. Tonight he's coming over with a movie he rented that I wanted to see. He hasn't given me any money since about 2 weeks before he moved out so I went ahead and filed for child support. I need it. L had the stomache flu on Saturday so of course I came down with it on Monday. I was out of commision and so it was nice to have D there to step in. He even spent the night to take care of baby J during the night time. I really do appreciate the help he's been giving and just how nice he's been. It's so refreshing. Baby boy is doing good. I just started feeling him move around and i'll be 21 weeks on Friday. Although I'm wondering if it's just gas. This baby never moves! I haven't really had any cravings this time around, or any symptoms really other than the growing tummy. I'm calling a new Dr this afternoon to see if they will take me mid-pregnancy. I really dislike the current practice I go to and I've been there through all 3 pregnancies, I always meant to change Dr's but I just never found the time and lately I'm fed up with my treatment so I'm going to explore my options. Lately things have seemed so peaceful and just go-with-the-flow. Life is good. The only stressor in my life right now is Chris and his impact on L. Other than that, things are fine. No complaints. Am I setting myself up by actually typing these positive things? Or can I truly just be at a content place right now with no reprecussions?

war and peace

2009-07-17T11:55:00.002-04:00

So peaceful. Lately things are doing good in regards to the pregnancy, D. He is all moved out except for a few items which I have boxed up and in the laundry room. I have the greatest friend ever. She is someone I rarely see, but she always seems to be there in my time of need. She came for the entire weekend last weekend. She mopped my kitchen, helped with the carpet scrubbing, helped with the organizing. My house feels like mine again and I really have her to thank. I would have never been motivated to do it all if it wasn't for her. I'm so grateful. I love my house right now. I have it the way I want it, the way it should have been from the beginning. He really had a lot of shit in my house! It feels good to be free of it. We are getting along better than ever. He's been coming over quite regularly. Mowed my grass. Still has not given me any money in a month. But at least being there for us. We have been nice to eachother and I love it. If I want him to leave and go home, I ask him to, it's wonderful. So far so good. Step by step. Next Thursday will be L's first supervised visit with Chris. I'm nervous for her. Yesterday I was showing her her baby book. We came across a picture of Chris and I and she asks, "who's that guy?" so I tell her that it's her dad Chris and she says, "Christa??" which is the name of my dad's xgirlfriend. Wow. She doesn't even remember Chris, or if she does it's vague. I feel so bad. I wonder how the observing parenting time will go. How she will act/react? or him too..he's so terrible when it's me with her and him, he ignores her and barely talks to her, I can't even imagine how he will interact with her one on one! I won't know because I can't be in the room. That makes me sad. I hope she does okay, I'm super nervous. I HATE that this is happening. And what is it happening for? He doesn't all of a sudden care, because if he did he'd be calling me and wanting to see her more. I just don't get it. Is he doing it just to make my life a living hell since he all of a sudden has to pay child support? makes me want to puke just thinking about it. gr.

It's a BOY

2009-07-09T08:34:00.002-04:00

I found out yesterday I'm having a boy. It's a strange feeling. Never would have guessed it. I was in shock for a bit. When she told me I blurted out, "It's a BOY?" then I started bawling, it was an emotion I had never felt before, it was a happy cry. The nurse was saying, "oh don't worry you will get used to it." I had to explain to her it was a happy cry. I'm going to have a son. I'm so excited! and ready to go shopping! I will be 19 weeks tomorrow, time seems to be flying by. No wonder it's a boy, I haven't been sick at all this entire pregnancy. I have no symptoms of pregnancy, can't even feel baby moving yet! My office finally found out yesterday too. I told one person, because they asked me, and now everyone knows...they love to talk around here. I don't mind though since now I can wear my maternity clothes proudly, instead of trying to cover it up. D is now gone. His stuff, however, is not. He took his dresser and some things. but the majority of it is still laying around. Not to mention his hideous pink recliner. He said I can just throw it out, well thanks now I have to find someone to haul it to a dumpster. ugh. He's staying with his aunt for now and apparently will be getting a storage unit soon and wants me to hold on to all his stuff until then. I told him to put it all in the shed, I do not want all his crap in my house! But he is being good about everything and we have been very civilized. Not at all how it played out when Chris moved out. We are actually staying friends and don't hate eachother. I'm kind of loving it. I hope it can stay this way!!! Speaking of Chris. I got a phone call from child services yesterday stating that Chris has moved back to the state and wants to set up his supervised visits now. I tried calling them back but haven't gotten to speak with them yet. I'm just in shock that they are letting him do this now. He's not going to just silently go away like I had hoped. I don't know for sure if he's going to follow through on all this bs, but the point is, he's throwing L for a loop because he hasn't been around since March and now is popping back up. L doesn't bring him up. ever. In fact, she thinks my dad is her dad. I detest that Chris is such a half-assed dad. I don't want that for L at all and I don't think it's fair that I have to cooperate with it because the stupid state is making me. What happened to this being a free country. ugh. I digress. But I know in the long run this isn't about me, it's about L and her dad. But come on, this state allows drug dealing criminals get partial custody of their children, I have no fight here, I'm doomed to send L off with this asshole at some point and that scares the shit out of me. Just thinking about her with him alone scares me. I hate that he keeps haunting me.

we have a date(ish)

2009-06-30T09:39:00.003-04:00

He finally gave me a rough estimate of when he is moving out. The week after the 4th of July. So this must mean that he has finally found somewhere to move. Now if he actually goes I will be thrilled. I have this terrible feeling though that he won't. We'll see. And if not, then I'm threatening him with court. So we'll see. I'm trying to stay civilized and friendly so that he will go peacefully. He has his daughter and sister still there so we are at my mom's house still, I hate it. I am enjoying staying with my mom, but I hate living out of a bag and feeling so uprooted. So violated. He keeps bugging me to bring L over so that she can play with A. He's being kind of obsessed with it. I don't know why it's such a big deal. HE can play with A, it's his daughter after all. This whole time I feel like I was being used. Used for a place him and his crap can dwell. A place for his daughter to go and have a babysitter, yes, I feel he used L as a babysitter so he didn't have to deal with her. L acts more grown up than his 7 year old as sad as that is. I'm so stupid because I did this same exact thing with Chris only 4 years ago. Why am I so gullible? Such a pushover? I need to work on this. I remember getting angry a while back when there was a post on the Babycenter website from someone saying that they think if you are a single mom you should not date until your child is 18. Honestly, I'm going to go that route this time. I don't need a man in my life. Just my kids. That is what makes me the happiest. I know people probably say this all the time and then end up meeting someone, but I'm really going to try and hold off on my love life until L is 18. I don't need the drama in my life, or the confusion of it all in my kid's lives. I already have 2 a-holes to deal with now, I do not need to add aything else to the pot. My mom's boyfriend threw L in the pool the other day. He was drunk and thought it would be funny to throw a 3 year old in the pool! I just remember running to him screaming, "She can't swim!!". What an IDIOT! I was soooooo beyond pissed off. She struggled twice to get to the surface and finally he pulled her out. She was crying so hard and he was all like, I got her..finally I yelled, "Give her to me". My mom kicked him out of her house. She couldn't even speak to him she was so livid. Now L keeps talking about it and how wrong it was of him to do that. Awe. Poor baby. At least she went back in the pool that day, I was so afraid it would make her afraid of water now. So far my mom and him have not spoken, he did call me and apologize the next day. hm. unforgiveable if you ask me. I can't trust him around my kids that's for damn sure. I find out what I'm having on July 8th! Less than 2 weeks. It doesn't even seem real yet. I honestly hope I can find the strength to raise these 3 babies on my own. It's a scarey thought. Not as scarey as doing it with D though so that is how and why I know I'm making the very best decision for me and my family. My best friend Stacie is also pregnant, about 7 weeks. I think she got pregnant just because I am. She has wanted a baby forever. So she met a guy( a married guy) and they decided to try for a baby. She got pregnant right away and now she's got a whole drama story for herself. He's got twins that are 2 and plus a 1 year old with his wife. Plus he's still living with his wife. Telling Stacie that he will help her out financially but other than that he will stay away. Then the next day calls her and tells her he is buying a house for them to start their family in. He was just in the mental institution last week for having suicidal thoughts and almost acting on them, per his wife. Speaking of his wife, she keeps threatening to kick Stacie's ass and keeps stalking her. What an idiot for him to tell his wife where she lives! hmm what else? She's really got herself in to a not so great situation here and in a way I feel sorry for her but in another way I don't. She wanted this and she went out and got it. I keep telling her to just drop him and she can take care of this baby on her own. I guess we shall see. It's just a soap opera around here lately. Stacie is really not like this at all. She is a very grounded, solid person. She always does everything right and is not a bad seed at all. I don't know where this is all coming from with her. That's all I have right now. Chris has not contacted us at all as of now.

updates

2009-06-23T14:59:00.002-04:00

Just want to update on the hearing with Chris and all the bullshit to follow. He showed up. Of course he did! He requested that his child support be reduced because he quit his job so he could go and get his GED in PA. WTF? I wish I could quit my job and go to school, but guess what? I can't because I need to actually support my kids. Not to mention a LOT of my clients work 40 hours during the week and then surprise! go to school in the evenings! It can be done! What a loser that he quit his job to do that. Then in his letter he put that he needs money for traveling back and forth to MI to see his daughter. Whatever, he hasn't even seen her since March and hasn't even contacted us since then either. Anyway, so I brought this all up to the lady conducting the hearing(not sure of her title, but I guess judge will do). I was on the phone for the hearing, because I requested that I do not miss any more work time for hearings since ya know, I am actually working. Oh, and not to mention also the fact that he hasn't even been paying child support for 1 year..it will be 1 year in Sept. and it was court ordered! If it hadn't been court ordered Chris would still have not paid me one cent. One little cool thing in regards to all of this is that I did receive all of his income tax money. That was a happy day. I bought L some more clothes and put $1000 in her bank account for college. I'm sure he was thrilled about that, and I'm sure that is what prompted him to write the court for a decrease in the support he is not paying me. I mentioned most of these things in the hearing. Especially about the fact that he hadn't paid me a cent for the first 3 years of her life and now he wants it reduced? The judge wanted to reduce it by more than half! Said that is what he can afford. It would have been $100/month if I would have agreed to that. Oh wow, a whole $100/month? Thanks! I respectfully objected and so Chris stated he wanted a date with a judge so now we will go in August before an actual judge to dispute this. I wonder if the judge will side with Chris. God I hope not. I have all my ducks in a row though so I really hope he sees my points. Anyway, so then a few days later I get a phone call from Chris. uhh yeah I want to see L today or tomorrow. I say, well I will be out of town this weekend, but tonight L will be with my dad maybe we can do something. Uh no I don't want to deal with you dad I would rather deal with you. Ok well then you are going to have to call me more in advanced notice because I go out of town a lot in the summer so I need to know in advance. Well, call me on Sunday and let me know if I can see her. No, why don't you call me, this is not on me nor my responsibility. It is too on you too, this works both ways you know? No I don't know, please explain how it's my resonsibility to set a time up betweeen you and L? You can call me. Okay if that's how you want to play it then fine, I will call you. hmm I never got a call. Typical I guess. Anyway, D is still in my house and I very much am patiently waiting for him to leave. I want my house back and this is not fair that he is being a slug and not moving out. I hate it. I am going to end up having to take it to the courts to have him evicted and I really do not want to go that route. I am staying with my mom right now because he has his daughter for 2 weeks and his sister because his sister is babysitting A for the full two weeks. I am at my wits end. He is staying in my house with all of his family something is not right with that picture. It's MY house. I own it. I want it back!!!!!!!! I want him and his shit out. NOW! He still thinks that we are going to miraculously get back together. He doesn't realize that I am totally over him and the whole relationship. He keeps saying shit like, I can't believe you want your family tore apart, and how can you be so selfish and you are just like every other woman taking the easy way out..blah blah blah. I'm really sick of dealing with it all. I just want it to go away. I want him to go away. I can't even say it enough. One day I will have peace. I hope. There is so much more, but I'm stressed out now.

stuff

2009-05-19T12:46:00.003-04:00

The update on me is that there is no update. Lately, my life just feels blah. Not sure if it's hormones, stress, self-pity, all of the above? I feel not myself. I'm going to talk to my baby dr. about possibly getting on a mild anti-depressant. I am not sure if they can prescribe one or not, but I kind of hope so since I can't afford to go to a counselor right now. I just want my life back. I want to feel happy and not just get by each day. D is still living in my house. It is more like we are roomates, but honestly, I just want him gone. We have not been affectionate toward eachother in over a month. I told him the other day that right now I just don't love him anymore. I mentioned him moving out and seeing how that went, I told him that since I'm unhappy I'd like to see if he is the reason so perhaps he could move out for a while. He said he's not playing that game and if he leaves my house he lives the state. He said there is nothing here for him. I asked what about your kids? He just went outside and smoked and ignored me. I don't know what to think. I don't know what is going on. All I know is that he is still in my house and I'm still unhappy. Not sure what else to think. I got a letter in the mail from the courts that Chris is requesting to have his child support lowered. He hasn't even paid me a cent since January. I haven't even heard from him since the last visit, I think was in March? I got a nice letter from the custody people though that said that since he is living in PA right now that they will not move further with supervised visits or his father class until he moves back to the state. So now I get to go to court in June to discuss his child support payments again. Fun! He's already paying me(when I do get money) at the poverty level, so not sure how much lower it can get. what an asshole. I'm so happy I get to take more time off from work that I can't afford to go see his ugly face in court. My mom...she's being so cold to me! She is such a downer, I don't know how to react half the time. She says the most incessant things and then expects me to laugh or who knows what reaction she wants from me. I wonder sometimes if I need to distance myself from her based on the fact that she puts me in these terrible moods by her choice words. I talked to my best friend on the phone last night and told her finally that I was pregnant. I just started crying when talking about my mom and D. You know it's a good friend when you can cry to them. I haven't cried in a very long time. It just seems like everything is falling apart. I feel so low, yet, I don't want to play victim. I have my kids, my wonderful beautiful kids, and for that, it gives me a smile and sense of purpose. When I think about the other avenues of my life I just feel completely out of control. Work life = terrible. lots of drama going on, office is divided, 6 people got laid off including my friend. I'm lonely and waking up so damn early when I'm this exhausted is getting exhausting. One positive is that I did not get laid off. I am not telling them I'm pregnant because I'm terrified that if I do they will let me go. They did it when I was pregnant with L and who's to say they won't do it again? Love life = Non-existant. Besides my children and myself, there is no one else. I don't even want anyone else. I just want to be with my children. I don't know how to care for another adult, if that even makes sense. Social life = joke. Example - While talking to my best friend on the phone last night, L managed to wipe cheese from her handi-snack all over my TV screen, got J's powder can and spread powder all about in her and J's room and down the hallway, I guess she is used to having most of the attention at night and couldn't handle mommy being on the phone. Family life = my parents are ashamed of me and think I'm stupid and call me an idiot as often as they can. I can't even tell the rest of my family members because I feel so ashamed and I am literally the black sheep of the family because gasp! I am low income and have 2 kids with 2 different dads. It could be a lot worse, but my family is high society so this is why I feel this way. Health life = scarey. They say that I am high risk with this pregnancy and to expect to have my baby early. And she was not talking one month early, she said it could be 2 or 3 months early due to having the cervical surgery in Feb. They say they may have to stitch up my cervix if I start getting premature labor. I'm getting another echo done this week on my heart so that gets straightened out too. Last time it was all too inconclusive. I had my first u/s and the baby had a heart rate of 169 and all seemed fine. Due date is still 12/4. I have about a million and one more things on my mind, but I really should get to work.

space

2009-05-04T15:39:00.002-04:00

He is starting to distance himself which is a wonderful thing in my book. Perhaps he is starting to realize that this isn't going to work and that the best thing is to be apart. I don't know. All I do know though is that my dad told me to stick it out with him for now. He honestly told me to just make him happy and comfortable. WTF? is all I have to say about that. I don't know what else to do right now, I'm actually at a place where I'm just avoiding the whole situation entirely. We have our small talk every night. Lately he's been going out every night to his cousin's house and leaving me to get everyone in bed, then he comes home at 9 once the house is settled. We start a movie and I fall asleep before the opening credits are gone. My friend told me that living without him, I already know how, it's just getting him out now that is the dilema. I know I'm a strong enough mama to do this w/out him, I know that being with him is more unhealthy than not. I am so afraid of the future and what is to come. I guess all I can do right now is find inner peace. I can honestly say that right now I hate the place that I have put me and my children in and I can only hope that by December I am in a much different place. My kids do not deserve it. Neither do I.

I need help

2009-05-01T11:56:00.002-04:00

Well, my mom started talking to me again. She called me an idiot, gave me a hug and now she's been calling me daily again with her paranoias that i've missed. The most recent is she called my brother and I to tell us to stock up on soup, bottled water, etc incase the Swine flu comes here. She said she started seeing a psychologist and that it's been helping! Thank you mom, I've only been telling you to go to one for the past 3 years, I'm so happy she finally made that step!! I guess I gave her that push :) . Things with D are grim. I'm not happy, and I guess I pretty much knew that all along, I think I'm just that stupid girl that was believing that he could actually change. I really want/need him to move out, but I have no idea how to go about it. I tell him to get out, and he freaks out on me, I tell him to get out, and he says no. I tell him to get out and he threatens to take the baby. I tell him to get out and he starts throwing shit. I'm scared to tell him to get out. I don't know how to do it. I need help! I can honestly tell myself right now today that I do not love him anymore. Having him out of our lives would be the healthiest thing. Then there is the whole, oh my God I can't be a burden on my mother, yet how am I possibly going to do this alone? I'm at a spot right now where I have no clue what to do. I am not in love anymore and want him out of my house. I'm knocked up with my 3rd child and barely get by with the 2 I have. How will I financially be able to do this? I will I mentally be able to do this? Man, this is tough. I know Idon't want to live with him anymore, but I need to figure out how to get him and his shit out my house first of all, and second of all, I need to figure out how I'm gonna do this. I don't even know where to begin. I called my dad this morning to tell him, but he didn't answer either time I called. I don't know what he can do to help me anyway. Maybe he could be there while I tell D how I feel? I just don't know. I'm lost.

8 weeks tomorrow

2009-04-23T14:14:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I will be 8 weeks tomorrow, it's going by super fast. I just decided to call my Dr today to set up my first appt. They scheduled it for May 13th and they will be doing paperwork, pap smear and an ultrasound. I have that day off from work already because it's my birthday! I try and take my b-day off every year. I haven't told work yet and don't think I will for another month or however long I can hide it. It's strange this time because I don't have any morning sickness at all. I had it so bad with J. I am actually quite surprised at how normal and not pregnant I feel. My mom still hasn't talked to me. She emailed me wondering how L was doing. She sometimes seems to forget that I have a younger daughter, too. I guess it's that first grandchild thing. So at least she remembered that I am alive, but still have not talked to her other than the brief email. I hate it. Starting to wonder though if I should just cut ties with her, since she has such strong hateful feelings toward me right now, makes me wonder when she stopped loving me. I don't really have much on my mind right now other than my mom and how cold and absent she is being right now. It's basically consuming my thoughts right now.

EDD 12/4/09

2009-04-17T10:54:00.002-04:00

Why am I sad about this subject? I'm sad not because I'm pregnant. I am up for that challenge and know that this is out of my hands, and in regards to the news, I am happy. It's not the best timing, but the way I see it, in my life there will never be a perfect time to have a baby, so why not now. I'm sad though, because my mom is not supporting me at all again. She actually emailed me this morning and told me I'm being selfish for having it. She is PRO abortion and I'm really starting to wonder if she's had one in the past. I am pro life, and she knows my stance on the subject. She still had the audacity to email me and tell me to have an abortion and not to ruin the future of my 2 girls. It really stings. hurts. My heart is aching. All I want is for my mom to be there for me, to hug me and tell me that everything will be okay, and that she loves me and supports my decisions. I know for a fact, that if one of my girls were in the same situation, and I didn't like their partner, I would still hug them and love them for who they are and their life choices. I will not be cold and absent in my children's lives unless they were to (heaven forbid) physically harm somebody or kill. But I guess that's the difference between my mom and I. D and I haven't really discussed this whole situation. We are actually kind of on the outs and this time it's because of something I did, and I feel horrible but there is nothing I can do to change the past. I was venting to my friend through emails. Keep in mind, this friend is someone who we only email, we don't hang out or ever see eachother. So I feel like I can tell her private things and know they will stop at her and she will give me advice on how to handle the matters we discuss. Easter was very stressful at my house with having D's daughter, A there. I expressed my frustrations to my friend through email and said some pretty harsh things in regards to A. Told her all of my frustrations and then some, I didn't hold back. I also made mention of D not having a job right now, and was telling her that maybe I should just break up with him so I could be rid of A. Things like that. Not pleasant. Not who I am at all. Why I feel the way I feel about A I will never know, I hate myself for it and I really try to change. She was helping me out with this by offering advice and helping me try and figure out the root of the problem, etc. So we had emailed maybe 3 or 4 times in the past few days about this matter. D had my i-pod touch at the house playing a game he really likes, so I let him keep it at home while I was at work. I noticed in my yahoo sent messeges box that there were 3 or 4 emails forwarded to D. I was just thinking, I didn't forward him anything? So I clicked on them and they said, this messege was sent from your i-pod, and they were all the emails that I had been emailing with my friend! On my i-pod, all you have to do is touch e-mail and it goes right to my yahoo inbox, you don't need a password or anything. So he was being nosy and reading all my emails, found these, and for some reason felt the need to send them to himself. I am angry at him for invading my privacy, but my anger does not defeat my humiliation. I don't even know how to face him. I called him right away and told him that I saw he read my emails. He admitted it. He started crying on the phone and didn't even stay the night with me. I dont even know what to say to him. I told him that sometimes girls vent and get out what they need to say and then it's done. It was more like a diary because it's someone I write to in confidence. I really hate myself for what I said, I shouldn't have. I have been told never to put in writing something you don't want anyone else to see, and I did it and regret it. We still haven't talked and it's been 2 days. I know we will talk again. We HAVE to. He knows that I'm pregnant and he seems happy about it, doesn't seem to worry him at all. I will probably end up quitting my job when baby comes and he will just work 2 jobs, we may have to relocate to allow him to find work. But I can not work and take care of a household, I know it's not in me and I would crumble. So I will stay home for a couple years until things settle down. This was the advice of my dad. He said this is the only choice we have really. He said all he's worried about is helping to pick out a name. I'm glad one of my parents is being great. I know D and I are not in a solid relationship right now and that is one thing that scares me. But I am going to suck it up and just live my life totally for my children now. We can make this work and I know we can be happy. I will not have it any other way. I am going to do a damn good job with my kids, this is not optional. D better be on board with me, but I have hope that he is. That's all for now...

note

2009-04-16T16:44:00.002-04:00

Family services called a couple days ago and said we were going to set up the court ordered supervised visits. I told them I hadn't heard from Chris in about 4 weeks. Then she said Mondays or Thursdays so I agreed to Thursday evenings from 6-7PM. She said she would call Chris and call me back to let me know. She calls back not even 2 minutes later. " The number Chris had given us has been disconnected, so now this will go back to the court and it will be up to them to contact him and then contact me again, so you may not be hearing from me for a while." All I could do was laugh. So like him. He seriously has not called us again since our last visit on 3/24. I just wonder what he is thinking sometimes, but usually I don't.

ick.

2009-03-27T08:08:00.002-04:00

I saw Chris this past Saturday at his grandparents house with L and my dad went too. It was HORRIBLE. Chris makes me ill. The sight of him alone makes my stomache turn, and then he speaks. He has not a clue on what he is doing with L. He has not a clue in regards to anything. We get there and sit on the couch. L is clinging to me. Chris finally decides, after about 15 minutes, to go and get some legos. He brings them over to her and walks back to the other side of the room. She asks him to play with her. He ignores her. So she asks me to play with her. So I get down on the floor and start playing with her, building castles and such. About 20 more minutes later, he finally comes over and starts to build something with us. Then she decides she doesn't want to do that anymore so then he starts feeding her all this candy. It was around lunch time and he had nothing for her to eat. Had no toys for her to play with besides these 20 year old dusty legos. At this point I'm just sitting on the couch trying not to look at him. So then I see the lamp that I bought him for Christmas nearly 5 years ago sitting on his grandparents end table. nice. Oh and to make it better, it's a Dale Earnhart Jr. lamp. Anyway, then they go to the back bedroom and I can hear him taking all sorts of pictures of her, etc, then she starts coloring. Well she calls him Chris and he gets all mad at her, saying "who am I, what's my name?" "that's DAD to you." So she calls him daddy a couple of times but then again calls him Chris later and he doesn't even acknowledge her and throws a fit that she won't call him dad! Um, hello? YOU ARE NOT HER DAD! ugh. He has no clue!!!! I didn't say anything, God I wanted to. I stopped myself though. So then around 1 I finally get up and tell him that if he wants to hang out longer he will need to feed her lunch. So he let us go. Nice parenting right there! Then he set something up with my dad to see L again on Tuesday night. So my dad and his gf took L on Tuesday to see him again, Dad said that this time was much worse. First of all, L didn't even want to go see Chris. She kept whining and said she wanted to stay home with mommy. So I had to promise her ice cream for her return. So then I guess they got there and Chris was just sitting in a chair watching TV and didn't pay any attention to L at all. My dad said they sat there for an hour just hanging out with L, by themselves! Chris doesn't get it at all. It's almost like he is expecting L to make the first move or something. He didn't have any new toys there for her, no snacks, no clothes, no nothing. She has never gotten anything from this boy. Nothing. He's not working. I haven't gotten any child support since Feb. and that was for a total amt of $169, which doesn't even buy a weeks worth of day care. He is supposed to start taking parenting classes, per the order of the judge. I am not sure if I am supposed to keep having play dates like this until he starts or if I don't have to. I have no idea. I am just complying right now because if this thing goes to trial I do not want anything to look bad on my part. Although I am going to tell Chris that I am not doing this twice a week bullshit. He can see her every other Saturday. that's enough right now. L doesn't even know him, or interact with him. at all. It really does make my heart hurt and ache for her. I wish she had a great dad. But she will just have to settle for a great mom and all I can do is my best. It's been difficult through the years having to fill both roles. I am planning to write a little journal for L. Telling her specifically all the details with Chris. Only because one day I anticipate him telling her that the only reason he could never see her was because of her mom. And when that day comes, I will simply hand her the journal.

trying again

2009-03-19T13:34:00.002-04:00

Yep. I took him back. Things are still not 100% of course, but he is trying and right now things are great. I know I'm silly and that it may not be the best decision in the world, but the way I feel is that he deserves this chance and it really seems to be better. Of course the x-box is still not in the home so that could be why. We'll see. He really has changed though. Yesterday I went to an all day seminar for work and the topic was: Domestic/Family Violence. It was so informational and I learned a LOT! I know what to look for now, and signs. This of course was supposed to be designed for my clients, but it also worked in my personal life too. I almost mentioned the incident that happened to ask what they thought, but I ended up not. One thing that I learned that I was really surprised on was that people that are violent really CAN change. Whereas, I used to think that once an abuser always an abuser but that's really not the case. Abuse is a learned behavior. But she said that it can be unlearned and something can replace that behavior or a new way of thinking. When someone is a child and witnesses abuse everyday, they may live their life saying, "I'm never going to be like my dad/mom." But then of course they end up abusing their loved ones as well. Because, that is all they know. When they get pissed off, they are going to hit or throw or break stuff, because that is all they have ever known and that is how they 'learned' to cope. I told all this to D too. It really made a lot of sense to me. I definitley do not want to make excuses for why the way he was, but it does make sense. He knows what he did was wrong, and he has appologized many many times now. He knows his behavior was out of line and that it was unacceptable. He doesn't know why he did what he did, but this seminar almost gave us the answer. I just hope that nothing like this ever happens again. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells, I don't feel like I need to be or act a certain way when I am with D, I don't feel vulnerable. at all. So I think that is a good sign too. Actually our love seems to be growing even more, and it's almost as if this whole experience has made us stronger as a couple, as crappy as that sounds!! Well, My biggest loser competition started yesterday here at work! I got weighed in today since I was at that seminar yesterday, but I weigh 205lbs :( :( I'm so hungry today too, but I want to win this competition! I think this game might really help me to actually lose weight. We are on teams of 3, so we can't let our teamates down, it's been fun so far. Today someone put candy in all our mailboxes trying to get us to give in, it's hilarious. Should be a fun time and a healthy thing for our company to do! I need to bring a camera in yet to take 'before' pictures of everyone! Other than that, nothing too new is going on. I had an ulcer behind my eye, but that is pretty much cleared up now finally! I hate wearing my glasses, so today I finally get to wear my contacts again for the first time in a bout 10 days! Time to get back to work!

There are no words

2009-03-09T16:00:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how to even put in to words how I am feeling today. A love/hate thing is definitley tugging at my heart and it's making it so difficult to decide or think about anything. Friday we ended up not having to work due to the power being out, so that was wonderful! I got a day off and I had no plans, no sick kids, I wasn't sick, the kids were at day care..wow, what a wonderful treat! I got soooooo much done that I've been wanting to get done. But back to Thursday. I had court with Chris on Thursday re: he wanted more parenting time. He showed up, which is surprising since I hadn't heard from him since 1/25/09. To my surprise he is living in PA with his sister and is getting his G.E.D. and looking for a job. What a winner he is! So the judge guy said something like, "I just don't understand how you could be gone from your child's life for 3 years, I have kids and it just doesn't make any sense to me." so that was cool! He started saying all of these lies, such as, well everytime I would call Jill she seemed to be busy, etc. or my personal fave. she wouldn't let me see L. So I set the record strait. Chris was being so immature and everything I said he would start to argue with me. God, what the hell was I thinking ever looking eyes at him, ew, I was discusted so much by him, and so many times I just wanted to reach across that table and strangle him! ugh. The result of the hearing is that Chris needs to take parenting classes and continue now with court-ordered supervised visits. So now, Chris said he felt like a criminal every time he visited with his daughter since he couldn't take her by himself. I wonder how he will feel now that the court will be supervising also! What an idiot that he thought that this meeting would allow for him to take his daughter whenever he wants. yuck. Oh and he wants to take her one weekend a month, said he will be driving back to town about 1 weekend a month and would like to have his daughter that weekend. Ok. end of that story. Makes me sick, but nothing I can do about it. Gotta love that he's still not working! Now on to the D situation. I still don't know what I am doing. He is being so perfect and sweet and I just have no idea what to do. I love him, that is for sure a fact. and the truth is, he seems to have changed. I know they say that men don't change and it will probably just get bad again. But he just seems so different. Like a light has been turned on inside for him. So we'll see. He knows that he's still on probation and we are just seeing where things will go from here. He's been staying at my house though. That, I think, is a little too soon, but I don't know what else to do. He doesn't have any place else to go so I'm letting him stay with me. My mom is obviously not happy and wants him out of my house. She is not happy and I hate that. I just want things to be perfect. Oh and get this. He asked me to marry him! I just said something like, how dare you ask me that, and of course said NO! I don't have any idea why he would do that now, what shitty timing! He's obviously scared of losing me though. He is willing to do anything to be with me he said. He's even going to quit smoking. I really hope I don't sound like one of those stupid girls that stay with the abuser. He honestly has never physically hurt me, but yes, did hold me hostage in my own home., but he feels really bad and remorseful and said he's so happy that I'm even talking to him right now. God, I really hope I'm doing the right thing by even talking to him. He's been super with L right now too. She is so happy with him there. She really missed him a lot. Maybe in this instance it's okay for me to hear him out and have him show me how he's changed. I'm usually a really good judge of character and can read people pretty well. Know when someone is lying, etc. With Chris is was a no question type of deal. He'd be mean to me, and I'd try to be nice to him and he'd just be meaner. So I finally just said get out. He never tried to reform, never cared, was just a flat out jerk, no excuses. I put up with it until I was prego with L and he physically hurt me while pregnant, there was NO way he was going to hurt my baby again, so I kicked him out. I am not sure what would of happened had I not gotten prego. I think I would have wised up eventually. Who knows. I didn't love him though. I know that and even knew it back then. I didnt miss him at all. I missed having someone there, but didn't miss him. Why I even ever hooked up with him in the first place will always haunt me, I didn't like him when i met him! I guess I can just say that L is the whole reason for that and then just wash my hands of it. I just hate that L has to be subjected to him. ugh. D looks like a saint in comparison. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I think even if people, such as my mom, told me to run away, I'd still try to work things out with him. He is the love of my life, it's hard to just walk away from it and not try a little bit anyways. If he fucks up at all, he knows it's over. So I just don't see anything like that happening. blah.

thinking things over

2009-03-03T12:21:00.002-05:00

He wants to try and make things work. Which I knew was going to eventually come about. I am in a spot right now where I have to make a decision and I have no idea what to do. So I choose nothing. I need more time, so I'm not going to make any rash decisions. I think he thinks that this is some quick fix thing, when it's so very much not. I don't know what to do. He came over Saturday and basically started crying because of how bad he feels. We've been texting back and forth quite a bit. The reality of it though, is that I miss him deeply and I think what I had felt for him pre-Sunday was real and something I have never felt for anyone else in the past. The house feels empty without him there. He wants one month to prove/show me that he can be a better man. L has been happier in the house without him there. And I'm not even sure if it's her that's happier, or if it's me, or if I'm paying more attention to her now. I'm finding more time with her. And actually, it's been a lot of fun just being us. But then she goes to bed. and. there I am again, alone, scared. No one is there for me, no one is calling, no one is texting, except for the one that hurt me only one week ago. He wants to be in my life, whereas everyone else has their own lives going on and don't seem to care about mine, except him, he wants to share in my life and be a part of it. blah! I hate that I keep going round and round with this. You'd think it would be an easy answer. But of course not. He wants to show me, and I have no idea if I should give him the chance. He says if I ever take a risk on anything in my life, let it be this. Of course he would say that though, correct? He let me in a little bit by telling me some things of his past. Like how he grew up in a household where his dad was a drunk and beat up his mom all the time. How he used to have to defend his mom. and when he was 18 he threw his dad in to a dresser and hurt him pretty badly. He grew up in a house where his dad duct taped his hands and feet and mouth and threw him in his bedroom for some unknown reason. He vowed never to turn in to his father and that is why to this day he will not touch alcohol. He grew up in a house where his dad would break stuff and even one year threw the Christmas tree and broke all of the ornaments. Grew up in a house where his mom would be the one to come and take the tape off, console him. Okay, so if he doesn't want to turn in to his father, then why is he? Is he capable of reversing the family tradition? Do people ever really change? My mom works in the court system and says, no, people don't change and the fact is, the next time something like this happens, it will be worse. He says he wants to marry me someday, that he wants to grow old with me, help me out more and give me the love and support I deserve. I don't know how to even hear any of it because I was just hurt by him one week ago. This sucks. L misses him so very much. She talks about him all the time, wants him. It's hard to even begin to explain this to a 3 year old. I let him spend the night last night. We stayed up talking until 12am..he started crying again because he started talking about his dead mom and how much he misses her. He never used to even bring her up he feels lost and quite honestly he probably wishes she was here so that he would have somewhere to go. I do feel bad for that reason. Because she sounds like the type that would do anything for him. He keeps saying that he feels lost and just wants his family back. I honestly have no idea what to do here. I'm at a complete loss. So all I'm going to do is wait and let more time pass. At this point, I will let him come over still because he's being a great help right now since he's trying to kiss my butt, so I'm letting him help all he wants. Other than that, no clue. I have court on Thursday with Chris, I have no idea if he is going to show up since I havent heard from him now in over a month. I'm thinking he will come to court though, I have a feeling he was just waiting for court so that he wouldn't have to deal with my dad any more and let the courts decide when and where he sees his kid. I'm not at all prepared for this. I'm scared out of my mind. Not to mention work has me more stressed than ever, I literally broke out in hives this morning. I am on my lunch break right now and want to work, but yet I really needed a break. I absolutely 100% hate my job and it makes it hard to wake up every morning knowing that this is what I have to come and do. I did make friends with a new employee though so that is the upside of things. I didn't really have any friends here before, well I had one and she quit not long ago. I just need to get away so bad! I don't really know how that is going to happen though. Maybe I should make it happen! Not running away, just taking a short weekend getaway.

it's hard

2009-02-26T11:43:00.002-05:00

I am going back to my house today. I've been staying with my mom the past few days and now I know why I moved out of there in the first place. It's hard living with her. So today we are going to go back. D doesn't have keyes to my deadbolt locks so I'm just going to make sure that those are locked and I will feel safe and secure. I finally talked to him yesterday. He's feeling very remorseful. In fact, some text messeges I got say things like, I will do anything , I love you, I'm sorry, I'm scared I'm going to lose you, I need you, blah blah blah. It pains my heart to read these messeges and if it was 5 years ago and if I didn't have children, I probably would have went right back to him. But I've wisened up and there is no way in hell I am getting myself in to that kind of situation again. The next time something like this happened it could have been way worse. I can't put L in this type of environment. I can't trust this guy now with anything, let alone my little girl. Why in the world would I let him back in to the house. On the other hand though, I miss him. I miss it. I ache. But I know it's for the best, so I am being strong. I took J to his aunt's house last night so that he could see her, we stayed an hour and it was fine. He is back to normal and no more crazed look in his eyes. I told him that maybe in time we could do some counseling together, but right now that is not going to happen. I'm not going to sugarcoat how I feel, and I'm not going to be a bitch either. I just want him aware of whats going on. I do not feel as threatened with him as I did with ex Chris. I think because this was soooo out of the norm for him to snap like this. It wasn't like this was always how he was. And I know he feels really bad about it. I guess it is time to wait and see what his next move is. Right now though, I am staying alone and not intending to go back to him for a long long time and possibly forever if he doesn't do anything to change his actions, ie, counseling. I can't go back to that without some sort of change. I'm really not okay with the situation yet it still hasn't completley settled in. I'm feeling very vulnerable and so scared. I hate this limbo stage. I just want to go home.

the break up

2009-02-23T12:05:00.002-05:00

We broke up. And it's final. I don't even know where to begin, but it happened yesterday. I'm sure no one will be really surprised about this fact. It ended badly to say the least and I want to try and get it all out of my head so that it's all documented. The other day he was being kinda mean to L and so I said something to him about it and we got in to a pretty huge fight about it actually. Then he apologized on Friday and said he would be nicer to L and try hard to make me happy. So then Saturday was a lovely day and we just had a really nice day. Sunday I woke up and L came to my bed like usual, nothing out of the ordinary. but D got really upset and told her she can go to her room or go to bed. So she said, D is mean, he's not my friend anymore. So D said, then don't fucking talk to me. So I got upset, OBVIOUSLY. Then he went outside to smoke so I sat down to watch TV. He came back in and sat down and turned his xbox on and started to play. So I said I was watching tv. and he said something like, well if L can break the rules and do whatever she wants in this house then so can i. He doesn't like L in our bedroom, but the rule was only if we weren't in there, so I have no idea why he got all pissy. So anyway, I said, well this kinda shows me that maybe we need to take a break from eachother. and he said, no you just need to start discipling L more and start listening to the one request I've ever had, which was not to let her in our room. Ok, my house is small to begin with, if I had a mansion or something then I could totally see applying that rule, and secondly, she is 3 years old, she is still a baby and if she wants to be in my room with me then who cares? So I went in to J's room to nurse her and d came in and started talking to me like everything was fine. So I said, I meant what I said, I think we need to take a break from eachother. and he's like, yeah well that's what britney told me too(his ex wife) and then she cheated on me. then he was like, if I leave I'm taking J with me. There is no way in hell you are going to do to me what britney did to me. Then he said he was going to take J and move to alabama. Then he slammed the door and started punching the wall, when he walked out he slammed the door then I heard another crash and L started screaming. So I went out there and he was putting her on her bed telling her to go to be(it was 10am). So I am not sure if he pushed her or what happened since I wasn't out there to witness it. She says he pushed her though. But says it was by J's door, so I'm thinking she meant when he slammed the door in her face(not hurting her). So I went to my room next, all the while holding j. Although he did grab her a couple times but then just kept giving her back to me to feed her, change her, soothe her. I went to my room, put my coat on and put my i-pod in my coat pocket. When I came outta my room he said, good luck leaving, I have your phone and keys. He whipped my keys outside but then went back and got them and then put both my phone and keys in a lock box. He then said you think I'm a dickhead, I'll show you dickhead. YOu are not leaving and not even going to work tomorrow. L comes back out so he takes her back to bed yet again. So i go in her room to console her. He had J so I hurry up and take my i-pod out and jump on myspace, we luckily have wireless in the house. I messaged my brother and all it said was, get mom here now. He lives in NC. It was only 10:30 by this point and I know my bro sleeps in late, but I didn't know who else to messege. He came back to L's room and told me to come out to the living room and keep L in her room by herself. he had this crazy ass look in his eyes, it was so scarey. At this point I got calm and kept trying to get him to talk to me, and telling him stuff like, ya know this is definitly not the way to keep me around, if anything it's just going to push me away. He went out to smoke again so I went back to l's room and sent a message on myspace to my dad's gf saying the same thing in hopes she would check it. At around 12 D says he's sorry and that we should start over, so I asked for my things and he still said no. My mom got there about 12:10. I was just like thank God! She said, my brother had called her. He later told me that he was not going to check myspace cause he was going househunting that morning, but decided to check it because he needed to go online to get some directions. Lucky me, huh? So she tried talking to D but he just kept saying that he'd prefer not to talk to her. Then he said I was not taking J with me. So he went in the bedroom, got my phone and keys and told me he'd switch me for the baby. I said no. So he set the keys and phone on the table and I grabbed them. All the while holding J. So my mom said finally, after calling my cousin who is a policeman, that we should just go. So she got J's carseat we put her in and just left. He didn't try to physically stop us thank God. The whole thing could have been much worse. I have lots of work to do so I can't really finish my story. Bottom line is though that I will not be getting back with him in the near future and if he ever wishes to get back with me he needs counseling and anger management. I ended up filling out a police report because of his threats to take J out of state, not to mention that taking a person's cell phone and keys is a felony. But I did not press charges. The policeman I talked to had him come down for questioning and he confessed to it all and admitted he had anger problems. The policeman was about to let him go when he noticed there was a warrant out for his arrest, so they took him in. HE didn't even know he had a warrant, it was for child support of his daughter. His cousin came up with the $500 bail, and D gave his cousin his xbox for the money. I'll continue later, but that is the jist of this story. Yuck. I'm not okay, but I know in time I will try. Here is to a fresh new start.

weekend recap

2009-02-17T12:47:00.002-05:00

Well, I had my surgery on Friday. It went well. I got there at 6:30, they gave me some anti-nausea medicine. Then they gave me my IV. They wheeled me in to the operating room around 7:50AM and put a mask over my face, which I thought was just oxygen. Then they started strapping my wrists down and I looked over and that is the last thing I remember, the next thing I knew I woke up to the nurse saying it was all over...I had never had surgery before so it was all kinda a blur. I mean, I had my wisdom teeth pulled before but that was nothing like this! They lazered my cervix and took some biopsies so I will be getting the results back this week! The after was not as cool as I expected. The plan was for my dad to take L all weekend and then I was going to stay at my mom's house with J and my mom was going to take care of J and spoil me. Didn't really go like that. But oh well. I got to my mom's house after the surgery and slept for about 4 hours so that was nice. L and J were still at daycare. My dad picked L up and did end up taking her for the weekend. But D had A so I was still around everyone. I only stayed at my mom's house til Saturday. I wasn't comfortable sleeping at her house, so that was disappointing. My friend Bridget ended up coming up to see me at my moms' house and stayed the weekend with me. It was last minute and I couldn't really relax the way I anticipated because I felt like I needed to entertain her. D and I started fighting pretty much as soon as I got home on Saturday. Which, he didn't seem to notice, but, was Valentine's Day. The house smelled like smoke so I asked him if he smoked in the house while I was gone and he of course said no. Well, I go to the bathroom and find that he transferred the air purifier in to the bathroom. I called him in there and said, why did you lie about smoking in the house? So of course he flew off the handle and started bitching to me about bitching to him all the time. OH and he still denied smoking in the house. Then I went to L's room and it smelled so bad like poop in there. Well, it ended up being her toilet and A had clogged it! It reeked so bad! So my friend Bridget ended up cleaning the bathroom for me because she said I didn't have time. How embarrassing, so I ended up giving her $20 for gas money to get back home for cleaning the bathroom. I really hate living with D. He pretty much makes me life miserable and right now I honestly feel trapped. I never did end up getting anything for Valentine's Day and I could have cried. I gave him a card at least. So I went shopping and spent a lot of money on my kids. Then Bridget and I went to dinner. What a romantic V-day it turned out to be! NOT! Sunday was no better. Surprise Suprise that A was in town. We fight every single time she is in town!!! So every other weekend. I don't get it and I can't decide if it's me or him. So anyway, Sunday I had J in the bedroom, yeah, I ended up taking care of J all weekend with no break. The only time I got to sleep was when she was still at daycare on Friday. typical I suppose. I had really bad cramps while recovering but no one seemed to care or even offer assistance, so I will whine here about that! Anyway, then Sunday I had J in bed and she was crying, nothing was soothing her. So D came in and asked what I did to her. So I said shut up and he said, don't tell me to shut up and he slammed the bathroom door! So then later he asked if I was still being crabby and I said yeah, and he asked why and I said because you are being a dick to me. And he asked how he's being a dick and I mentioned how he came in the bedroom and asked what I did to J and he said he never said that!!! ugh. How stupid! Of course as soon as A got picked up on Sunday everything went back to normal. How can a 6 year old put our relationship on ice every single time her presence is around! I just do not get it! It's almost like D changes when she is around, I guess that could be possible? Or I just put out bad vibes when she is around? Who knows. We do fight entirely too much though. He always makes up for our fights though. I actually caught him folding laundry yesterday which was the first time I ever witnessed him doing that! He's been super nice now the past couple days. Maybe he feels guilty or bad? But he wouldn't tell me if he did. The guy can not communicate. I sometimes feel trapped with him.

Pipes do freeze

2009-02-05T13:10:00.002-05:00

Okay, breathing is very important. I feel like I don't have time to do that anymore though. Between work and home, I am very stressed. We've had about 8 people quit in the past couple months so my caseload has tripled in size and I'm overworked and underpaid. Still searching for something else, but in the meantime I am here and very busy. Our system is down right now though so I thought I would find time to come type some feelings out since I can't work. Home has been pretty nuts. D lost his job. Got laid off. My dad is the one that had to do it. Our economy sucks. I don't think there is any dispute about that. So now I'm the only one working and that is a PITA. He filed for unemployment but he won't know anything until the 19th. Not sure if he plans on going and job searching for something else or what. The kids are still going to day care because honestly I do not know if he could care for them by himself. Which is sad. Maybe 1, but I'm not even going to discuss that with him until the weekend. J had her 4 months appt yesterday and they didn't end up giving her the vaxes. She has been fighting a cough now since Saturday. I took her to the medexpress on Saturday and had to wait 75 minutes in the waiting room for them to tell me that it's just a virus and to wait it out. Then yesterday she had her pedi appt and they said it's pretty bad so no vaxes. So she goes back in a week. I think she is almost over it now, so hopefully she can get the vaxes next week. She has been starting the fussy time at night now. Around 7:30 she starts crying and I can't calm her down until around 10. She will eat and then cry. She's not hungry, she's not tired, sick she is just cranky it seems like. Last night D and i figured out if you put her in the bouncey seat and bounce her she will calm down a little. It's been tough because I can't get anything done at night since I need to be with her all evening. You would think D could do stuff for me, but that would be too simple. I'm really looking forward to next weekend when I have my surgery. Hard to believe I'm actually excited for surgery! I'm excited to get the time off from everything for a couple days, I think it will help me out, mentally. A mental break I suppose. This morning the pipes froze in the house and I still do not have water. I can not believe how hard life is with no water. We really take it for granted! Everything I went to do it seemed like needed water. Anyway. D is waiting for them to come and repair it as I type this. Hopefully it gets taken care of. blah. That's all for now.

Today's tidbits

2009-01-28T15:49:00.003-05:00

Nothing much is really happening. I didn't get the promotion, but I pretty much expected that to happen, so no sweat. There are a couple other job leads I am looking at in the area too, so maybe sometime soon I can get out of here. People are losing their jobs left and right around here, the economy really is very poor here, I am going to try and save as much as I can from my checks, I may need it in the future. Sad but true. Oh, L and my dad went to Chris' grandparents on Mon. night and he said something to L along the lines of..'I am your dad and I will spank your butt'..oooh I am so pissed about this. I am very against spanking - I know some people do not think spanking is abuse, but I just don't like it. So yes, this really struck a chord with me and my dad intends on writing a letter to the prosecutor to witness this statement he made. I wasn't there, but my dad was. So was Chris' grandma and I guess she commented saying something like, Oh no you will not do that. But OMG I do not understand why or how he thinks he can say this to her! First of all, he is not even a parent to her!!! I was up all night long thinking about this, how can I subject my little girl to this asshole. ugh. I am so flustered with this whole episode!!! I'm not pregnant, Just thought I would throw that in since I was concerned in my last post. I didn't really think I was, but it was in the back of my head. I'm not sure why I'm getting periods this time around, after I had L I didn't get one until I finished breastfeeding. Oh well. I really like that show the Duggars - I don't know why, but I have a little crush on the husband, Jim Bob. I think because he is truley the epitome of what a husband is supposed to be. I want that. I don't think it's too much to ask. I'm not sure if D can give that to me. Basically what it comes down to is respect. I really like how Michelle handles herself, too. She is so mellow. Is she behind the scenes smoking pot or what? She really has a calming about her and it really has been helping me at home. When I get flustered/frusterated I honestly think about her and it helps to calm me down. I mean, if she can be that way with 18 children, then certainly I can handle 2!! Anyway, that's about all that is going on over here. My surgery is in 2 weeks and I'm pretty calm about it. Usually I stress about this kind of thing and have a lot of anxiety, but for some reason I don't think it will be that big of a deal. Plus I will feel like I am on vacation, my mom is letting me stay at her house for the weekend and my dad is taking L for the whole weekend, and so I will have my mom taking care of me and J and she will just bring me J to feed her and see her. I can not wait to be waited on! :) The surgical place said that my surgery is at 8 and I will be able to go home by 10, so that was a relief also. Ok that's all for now.

life

2009-01-21T12:47:00.003-05:00

I wish that there was someone who could read a person's blog and then analyze them by reading it. That is what everyone wants. Someone who can understand them, figure them out, and then tell them what their strengths and falters are. I had an interview this morning for a management position. It was me and 4 others who applied. I thought I had a strong chance, but at the end of the interview he told me. " don't be discouraged if you do not get this position." Which, in turn, discouraged me. I woke up late today. My interview was at 9:00AM, I have to be to work at 8:00AM. I woke up at 7:40AM. How this happened I will never know, but how frusterating. I was crying my eyes out because I thought for sure I was going to be late for my interview. My mom luckily came over to help me with L and get her ready so that I could make it for my 9AM interview. But one of the questions they asked was about punctuality, and I had to mention that I was late today. I was crushed. I ended up not being late for the interview, but it still messed my whole day up. I didn't get my coffee this morning and I had to rush which always makes me feel crappy. Not to mention all the crying I did this morning so I'm certain I had puffy eyes. Made me feel very undeserving of the job, but I think I still did okay with the interview. We'll see. If I don't get it I am going to ask why not. My dad went to see Chris with L last night again. I was planning on going but I had so much to do at home it just didn't happen. My dad confronted Chris about the letter I received in the mail. He told my dad that he just has a hard time talking to me about anything and that he wants to be able to start taking her by himself. My dad just said something like, you've been gone for 3 years, I'm sure she is just being careful. My dad said it sounded like he was very serious about being in her life now. Which maybe it will be best in the long run, but right now it is all about her and knowing how he used to be, I am not willing to just hand her over to him. So for now I am keeping my guard up. I honestly don't know if I could ever forgive him, but if he actually has changed, and how would I ever know if he has?, but if he has, then I would let L stay with him way way way down the road. It hurts my heart to even think about that, but it's the reality of it all and I will do what is in the best interest of her. J decided to sleep all night last night. That is the other freak thing that happened last night. She finally got to sleep around 10:30 and so I decided to sleep in L's bedroom again, and she didn't wake up until 7:40 this morning! about 9 hours!! That is a new record and I'm guessing just a fluke. The stars did not want me to do well in my interview is what I am guessing. But yay for J for sleeping through the night!! Another milestone. I also decided that I'm going to buy some cereal for her to try too now that she is 4 months old, I think she is ready to give it a try. She seems hungry and I always feel guilty eating in front of her while she watches me with those googly eyes. So my brother hates my dad's girlfriend. Which there are good reasons as to why, but it made Christmas oh- so- much- drama filled. My brother said some pretty ignorant things to her and so she felt the need to now email him a 1 page letter and said some stuff like, "we WILL get married and we WILL start a family" which make her sound pretty crazy. I used to semi-like her. I mean, she is 19 years old so it was very hard to like her at first and the idea is still pretty nuts if you ask me, considering that my father is 56. But. I got used to it and even began liking her okay. Now she had to go and write this nasty email to my brother. I must say that I was astounded and do not appreciate her thinking that she is more important in my dad's life than his own children. She does scare me a little bit and I'm starting to think that she may be a little money hungry. Dad is pretty much brainwashed also because he has said things like, "I'm not getting a pre-nup-Christa will make sure you guys are taken care of". Yeah he's changed since he divorced my mom 3 years ago. He still drives up to see us all the time and really helps me out in so many aspects of my life and is really there for me and my children. But his mindset has changed. He always was quoted saying, "I'm gonna die broke." He has been with his girlfriend well over a year now so it's not as though this is some quick mid-life crisis, it's for real. Just something else that has been on my mind today. I don't know if I should confront my dad about the letter she wrote, or if I should just stay out of it. Right now D has this weight machine he bought on Sunday sitting right in the middle of my kitchen floor. He bought it used for $50 and still hasn't used it once, yet there it sits in my kitchen, in my tiny house, no room at all for it. D had told me it was collapsable and that I wouldn't notice it. I've now stubbed my toe on it about 5 times and it's HUGE. Not to mention the long cord I now have going from my bedroom to the living room so that the internet connection can be hooked up to his x-box. wow he certainly is making my life miserable. I don't like things to be out of place and now I have this huge work out bench and a cord running through my house and it's making me lose my hair. I want them both gone. now. Sometimes I think I want him gone too. It would make my life so much easier. Where did things go wrong? My life is not exactly going to plan. Things are spiraling out of control much faster than I had ever imagined. Maybe I will get this new job position. Maybe that will help me feel better. However, if I don't get the job I need to be cool about it and not let it stress me out too much. My periods are so out of whack right now. I am now back on my thyroid hormone so that is good, it was way off! but I've been having these weird cramps lately that I can not shake. I am SO afraid that I am pregnant. It's another thing I have running through my head right now. I've only had a couple periods since I am still nursing J. The last time I had one seems like it was a long time ago now. I need to call the Dr but I keep putting it off because they are going to make me come in for an office visit and I can not miss any more time from work. Speaking of work. I need to get back to that.

complain much?

2009-01-16T08:35:00.002-05:00

Ok I need to get this all out of my system before I literally explode. Chris is a deadbeat and I hate him with my entirety. I probably put too much energy in to hating him. Anyway, I received a letter yesterday that he went to the courts and told them he demands more parenting time with L. Why didn't he just ask me? Well, he did ask me if he could start taking her and I of course said no. So this is probably why. Now the courts are going to get involved and pretty much make my life more of a hell than it already is. Arg. So i am pretty sure that once this gets rolling, they(the courts) can decide to let Chris start taking L overnight? Not sure but I think that's how it works. I am so pissed for this situation. It's my own fault since I'm the one that had the sex then had the baby of this loser, but he does not deserve to be in her life at all. I need to get this all in writing so that I can remember. But he started seeing her November 15th 08-1hour. November 22nd-1hr. November 29th he was a no show. December 6th - 45min. Dec. 13th- brought his sister- 1 hour. December 22nd - did not bring L a christmas gift -45min. December 27- no show. January 3rd - 45 minutes. January 10th - called and siad he was too tired - no show. He agreed upon meeting up with us on saturdays so i'm not sure why he went to the court, but I guess he wants to take her now. After seeing her 6 times and she STILL does not talk about it or even know that he is her dad, yet he wants to start taking her. So now I have to go to court on March 6th and discuss parenting time again. This is such bull shit. I hate myself for ever applying for assistance. Did I mention that I got denied for everything I even applied for so it was a stupid decision yet again made by me. I feel like every decision I make is stupid. I feel like I AM stupid. I just don't feel it's fair that I be dealing with all this stress when he is the one that has been a no show for the 1st 3 years of her life..I am the one that has had to deal with everything and here he comes to now all of a sudden save the day? I can not wrap my head around this at all. And he hasn't changed, I talk to him and it's like he is the same person, I am just now a stronger person. He told me the last time I went to the mall to meet up with him that it looks like I have everything going for me and I seem truly happy. I truly was happy only a couple weeks ago. what the hell happened. I was laying in bed last night and thought that if I do end up dying that I accept that and actually it doesn't sound half bad? I have this fear of death that I've had my whole life, which I am sure everyone has. I have that surgery next month and it makes me think about dying constantly. Plus I've had some abnormal things going on in my body and I automatically think its the worst and that I will die. Yes I suppose that isn't healthy to think like that. Then I called my mom to tell her about this letter and I am saying how it's bullshit and she just says, well that is what is going to happen, he is going to start taking her. I didn't want to hear that, I wanted her to complain with me, I wanted her to support me. She has changed so much and is not the mom I used to have. I feel so alone in this and feel like everyone is against me in this. As if Chris is some great guy and deserves to have L half the time. no no he is an abusive prick that deserves to go to hell. I didn't get my paycheck this week. It is usually in my bank account on Thursday evenings and it's not there. Something else. I got the info in the mail yesterday regarding the surgery. They call it a d&c/cervical laseration..I've never had one before and not even sure what it stands for. my pre-op appt will be 2/9 so I will ask all my questions then, but it does scare me a little bit. My anxiety is spinning out of control again. I would go and see the counselor that I was seeing in years past. I went and saw her back in 02 then in 03 or 04 I stopped seeing her and told her I was OK. I ended up going back to her in 06-07 and then stopped seeing her again and told her she would not be seeing me again because I am fine. How can I go back a third time? I would feel like such a failure. I keep thinking of calling her though. I don't know how much more I can take. I was frusterated with D again too, but then he revived himself and cleaned the whole house and had dinner made when i got out of work last night. How can I be mad at that. He texted me and said he just wants to do whatever he can to make me happy How can he do that? I have never had a guy say that to me before. I didn't even have to answer he already knew ( since he cleaned the house and made dinner ) funny the things that make you happy when you are old and with kids. J slept for 6 hours strait in her crib last night! that was a record! I still sleptin L's room though, it felt nice to get some uninterrupted sleep. I went to the tanner again last night, it was so relaxing. I have a skin check next month though so that is good. I don't plan on tanning too much, just maybe once a week or once every couple weeks. I'm against tanning, but now that I've been depressed, the sunlight I thought could do me some good. Even though it's been my enemy in the past. I feel better just purging all of that out of my system on to this blog. I don't have anything else to say right now.

It's cold out

2009-01-12T13:00:00.002-05:00

I decided that I needed to talk things out with D and start getting the help that I desperately need. So basically I told him that if he doesn't start helping more then I'm done. I told him that it's hard for me to love someone that is not in this equally with me. It was hard to say the things I said, but I got it out. We are both really shy so I think it's hard for either of us to bring up any issues. He didn't really say too much, but he did show me things. He started helping more this weekend, and gave me a break. I went tanning on Saturday, I hadn't been to the tanner in about 6 years. It felt good and I really needed the sun light, thought maybe I was having some winter blues, so that helped me feel better. My friend has the Wii Fit so I played on that also this weekend and it made me feel good to get my body moving again. My other friend and I are going to do a bootcamp class Feb. 19th to help whip us in to shape. I am still up 30lbs since the pregnancy. I am at 209lbs which is completely unacceptable! The weight gain, crappy diet, no energy, lack of sleep, lack of thyroid meds, dealing with baby and 3 year old, yeah enough to make me feel extremely yucky and dark. Chris didn't come and see L this weekend. He said he was working late on Friday night and was too tired. So I guess he is working, but I still haven't seen any child support? Oh well. Nice excuse for him not to show up. I guess at least he called 1 hour before we were supposed to meet up with him. I have insurance again finally! I have about 5 appointments I need to make now! Surgery scheduled for cervical cone biopsy thing. Teeth cleaning. Endocrinologist. Dermatologist. Eye Doc. Yeah, I'm a little behind on everything, luckily I have already acrued some vacation time through my job. So D's ex wife is pregnant. A's mom. I guess she is 3 months along already. Not really sure how I feel about it. I guess it's no big deal. Just a lot for A to deal with. Then L will probably be jealous when A is talking about her new sibling and L doesn't even get to see them. Or maybe it won't even be a big deal at all. We shall see. L has been doing better behaviorial wise. My mom is the one who pointed out that when L eats fruit snacks(or basically anything with red dye in it) that is when she acts out the worst. So I have really tried limiting that in her diet and I've noticed a drastic change. Maybe it is just coincidence and maybe this phase in her life is just ending, but she has been a breeze lately and I've found things going much more smoothly in that area. I need to thank my mom's co-worker for this one for mentioning the red dye thing. I would have NEVER thought of that! And I will leave you with a funny(not ha-ha) work story. I work where clients have to be in classrooms everyday for a certain amount of hours so long as they want their welfare checks. Well, we had 2 girls and 1 guy in the class and both girls were pregnant by the 1 guy. All 3 of them were in the class. The cops ended up getting called because the 2 girls were fighting pretty bad. I work in a really bad area of town. Yes, this is where I work. Jerry Springer. This is not unusual either, that is the sad thing. I feel mostly for the children. And then these kids are kids themselves. It's hard to see such horrible cases. I'm applying for a management position that just opened up so I'm kinda excited to see if I get it.

new year. same stuff.

2009-01-06T12:41:00.002-05:00

Well, so far 2009 is not really how I imagined it to be, but I can't complain. I really have quite a few things that I would like to accomplish this year. The first one being, LOSE WEIGHT. I am gaining so much weight and I know it's my own fault. I'm going to by a scale with my next paycheck so that I can start keeping track. I gain weight extremely fast and lose weight extremely slow. I am guessing I am about 215lbs right now just based on how I feel. yuck. I have an eating problem, I like to do it. I can't eat small portions. I binge. I eat at night. I eat when I'm bored. The only time I don't eat, is at work, since I can restrict what I bring in. I have no time to exercise. I need to find some time to squeeze something in, whether it is just a walk around my block or something. I don't have any time after work right now since J doesn't go to sleep until 11-12am and by that time I'm overexhausted and pass out. It would be fine if she was awake and sitting happily in her swing or bouncer, but nope. She needs to be held constantly or else she is screaming. Being held for her does not mean sitting still either, she wants to be standing up or moving around, she is full of motion. I could wake up early to exercise, but I already awake at 5:30am and after going to bed at midnight, that is the absolute latest I can wake up and still make it on time for work. So for sure once spring starts to arrive we will be walking here at work again 20-30 minutes a day so I will at least have that going for me, but in the meantime I need to get moving. I plan to lose at least 40lbs this year. I can do this. The other thing I need to accomplish this year is to GET ORGANIZED. I bought a planner so that will help a little bit. I forget everything unless I write it down. I will go to the store and literally forgot why I was there unless it's written down. I'm a scatterbrain, I will admit it. I need to organize my house too. I got some shelves to help me do this. This is something that I think can actually be accomplished. Thirdly is that I need to get a handle on my STRESS in my life and start taking charge. I need to relax and stop taking things out on other people, especially L. BE NICE. I also need to be nicer to A(d's daughter). I hate the fact that I do not like her and I need to find some way to find peace with it and move on and just love her like my own, but right now I am finding that so difficult. I guess that is it for now. I have a lot of faults and I really need to find a way to correct them. My money situation right now is actually not a stress in my life for once in my life so that makes me happy. I also have no health issues that I know of at the moment. Although I do have that surgery coming up whenever my insurance gets straitened out and I need my thyroid to be taken care of also. I stopped taking that medication when J was born and I can really tell a difference. My insurance is not effective yet even though they are taking it out of my paychecks. Nothing seems to ever go right for me when it comes to paperwork, although there I go again sounding like a victim of life. I need to stop that. I have only received 2 payments from Chris for child support for L. He has no job and I guess he broke up with his fiance. My dad took L to go and see Chris this past weekend and I did not attend. My dad also took his 19 year old girlfriend with him and she was giving Chris the 3rd degree I guess. Asking him tons of questions, for example, what are your intentions with L, do you smoke in your house and car? you just started seeing L, why is that? Where have you been? He answered that he intends to start taking L every other weekend and he doesn't want to have to see it go to court. He blamed me for everything, as usual and said it was stubborness on both sides as to why he hasn't been around. Yeah I guess I was being stubborn in that I did nothing? Who knows. He is such slime. Dad's girlfriend called him a scumbag. I really know how to pickem I guess. Although L came out of it, so I can be thankful for that much! Chris said he will call me as to where we are meeting next time. We've been meeting in the same spot for the past 5 weeks now, but whatever. I wonder if he will disappear again? I can only hope that he steps up to the plate, but so far, he's the same ol' Chris and up to his same ol' tricks. He never did bring L a Christmas present. Talk about father of the year. D has been okay. I get upset over stupid things, but I think they are legit. I need to stop bitching so much, but it really has been coming naturally for me. I miss romance. I miss the feelings that I had for him in the past. Now I just want to make it through the day without jabbing him in the eye with a fork. Ok I am exaggerating, but seriously, the romance has left the building. He still will stop to hug me and he pays all sorts of attention to me, but I don't act the same way, I am being standoff-ish and I don't like it. I want to be the same, but it's hard when all I do is go to work and then work even harder when I get home. I am having a hard time pushing myself through the days. I need change. From the moment I wake up I am go go go. I look forward to my 10 minutes in the morning to drink my coffee just because it's quiet. And that's only if L didn't hear me wake up. She has been coming in to our room and sleeping on the floor so I pretty much step on her every morning. Work is also my quiet time. Which is sad. I do understand that I had kids so I chose this life path, but it just seems like something is missing or maybe I am just not getting the help that I so desperately need from D. My mom does nothing for us anymore. I think it is her bf or maybe she just does not like D. I am not sure, but she is so extremely distant and has told me repeatedly that she will not babysit both of them at the same time, ever. thanks mom! My dad has been a lifesavor and even offered to babysit for us on NYE. We already had plans to have a couple friends to our house to play board games so we didn't need him, but still that was very awesome for him to offer like that. I can't' say my mom does nothing because she does help me out with stuff if I need help financially, I really appreciate that but I also need emotional support and she offers none. She is so cold to me these days, unless it pertains to L. My favorite aunt in the world has also given me the cold shoulder lately. Seems like ever since I have been with D she has disappeared out of my life. We used to be so close and I have tried numerous times to stay close to her and she keep pushing. I hate it and it makes me feel so alone. Then D trys but does not give me the help I need so it makes me feel like I'm drowning. I get home from work and am literally on my feet until I go to sleep, all the while D is sitting his ass on the recliner playing his xbox. Makes me want to throw up half the time because I'm so pissed off. He will hold J once in a while and make funny faces at her and play with her, but he doesn't do any of the work. I'm just the feeding tube for J and I feel like I am not getting to connect with her as I did with L. My mom helped me so much more when I was living at her house with L. I see now how much she did to help us and now I'm getting that thrown in my face and it's really not fair to J or me. I want a vacation.

and so this is Christmas.

2008-12-26T15:57:00.003-05:00

Whoever says Christmas is a day of relaxation does not do Christmas the way my family does Christmas. Seriously. I was begging my mom for one of her Xanax last night. Of course in the end I would not have taken it because I'm not certain if they are compatible with breastfeeding. But I did have 1 wine cooler and that seemed to help for a mini minute. Last weekend D got a phone call in the middle of the night that his cousin had been in a snowmobile accident and was in route to the hospital. The weather conditions were so bad that they could not airlift her. 12/23/08, they pulled the plug and she's now gone from us. She was only 21 years young. Such a tragedy. She hit a tree in the snowmobile. Very scarey! I just saw her on Thanksgiving. I made D take a picture of her with J. I am so glad I did that. The funeral home is tonight and tomorrow is the funeral. and I'm sick. I can't breathe - I hate this. I have been sick for almost 2 months now and this is the way it went last winter also. I'm ready to beat myself up because I'm so over being sick. I have no immune system. no cold medicines work for me. Ok I'm done whining about that. Christmas was..overwhelming. I wanted to cry so many different times. Not at all how I envisioned it this year. First of all, D didn't even go with us to church. At the last minute he says how he does not go to church and how he made that clear to me a long time ago. So he sat at home alone while I dragged my butt to church and was so overly exhausted as it was after preparing for Christmas Eve all day and then getting the kids ready and looking cute. Not to mention, about a half hour before church, L got mad at me and smashed a snow globe on the kitchen counter, letting glass shatter all over to the floor below in nothing else but...J's carseat. I sent her to her room while she was crying and I was yelling of couse saying things like, How dare you! I still can't believe what a different kid she can turn in to, she gets so mad, I am wondering if my terror might have ADD or something, but then I wonder if I'm just like every other mother that thinks her childs behavior must be a diagnosis. sigh. So I got the carseat cleaned out and off to c hurch. After church had to run to my mom's house to pick up something she forgot to bring to my aunt's house, go to the ATM for my brother, pick up D(grrrrr), then off to my aunt's house only to find. TOTAL CHAOS. She has a bunch of grandkids and mixed with my kids, it was insane. Kids everywhere, presents everywhere. I'm fighting this cold so I couldn't even taste the wonderful looking meal. The only break I got was when I had to leave the room to breastfeed J. Got L home at 10PM Christmas Eve and still had to wrap a couple more things, D's sister showed up at 11PM and needed a ride home ( she lives 30 miles away!) so..he was gone until about 1AM due to the weather conditions outside. So I got everything semi situated in the living room, couldn't do too much though due to my infant all of sudden finding her lungs. Then Christmas morning D woke me up to open gifts because he went and got his daughter around 7:30AM - these people are nuts and have you no respect for the working mother who is insanely tired?! ok. Coffee in, I'm ready to go. Kids open all of their stuff and they had a great time doing this. D gets his XBox and now it's say goodbye to him(my own fault, I am aware). But I really hoped he would have helped set up the kid's stuff since he was so adament on opening gifts so fucking early in the morning. Anyway, L stepped in his eyeline while he was trying to play his video game and he yelled at her. ugh. He can be a real crabby guy sometimes. Not sure where this is going. So we go to my mom's for breakfast, all the while D is bitching because we are with my family entirely too much. Heaven forbid I want to be with them on Christmas! so I got L ready and off we went at 11AM, then to his aunt's house until about 2 then home to relax until my mom's house again for dinner with the extended family. Meanwhile I was trying to get my Ipod hooked up on to the computer, I've never worked one before so I sat there for an hour trying to get it figured out and then realized it was 4:30 PM and we needed to be to my mom's house. I called over there and everyone was allready there. again, sigh. D had just called a friend to come and help me with the ipod so I said goodbye and left alone again to my mom's house. He took his daughter home at 6 and didn't get to my mom's house until 7:30. breathe, Jill, Breathe. BREATHE! It was at dinner time when I casually asked my mother for the xanax, to which she replied to just have a cold glass of water, wait 20 minutes and if I still need one she will give it to me, but I opted for the wine cooler instead of the xanax. Meanwhile my house is still a complete mess from Christmas morning as I had no time to even look at it or start thinking of where everything is going to go in my tiny little house. I got home around 10PM last night and finally got J to sleep at 12AM and was too exhausted to clean after that and had to be to work this am, so here I sit at work knowing my house is a mess and I hate that. I will start at one corner tonight and just keep pushing until it's done. I hate a messy house. D has been no help lately. I do feel for him and his entire family for this tragedy that they have just endured and I truly have no room to complain when looking at the big picture. It's just a lot piling up on me, and I honestly feel like I'm sinking. I feel amess. I feel like i'm drowning in the ocean and there is no sign of help in any direction, I'm lost and alone. I'm a mother and would LOVE to know how some moms can be so calm and collected, or is it all a charade? Or did they luck out and are their kids good? Where did I go wrong? My 3 year old hates my guts already and she's only 3. I never wanted to be this kind of a mother, but I can not control my kid so I had to start being strict, even though I yell at her she still doesn't listen. I am against hitting my children so I restrain from that, but I'm starting to rethink that, she may just need a good butt kicking because I am at my wits end. She throws tantrums all the time now. I miss my 2 year old. Who said 3 was worse than 2? They were right. Although 28 is bad too. Dbf acts like such a child it is very annoying, I'm starting to wonder if we will last. I love him a lot and hes a good man and good to me. Just not sure where it's going or if this is actually the one for me and my kids. Him and L do not get a long at all right now and I hate that. L is my world and to see her unhappy with him bothers me like crazy. They argue all the time, and he teases her constantly. I hate that. I tell him not to, but that just makes him upset. I feel like everything i do is for him and he does nothing in return. He's selfish and I don't think he knows it. I stopped getting child support. Chris has been laid off now for 3 weeks. big surprise there. I got all of 2 payments and now they've stopped. well, we see where this is going. It got old fast for him I suppose. He saw her last weekend with my dad. I didn't even go. She still doesn't really get it. She thinks my dad is her dad and is all sorts confused. I haven't tried to explain it yet. I know she is going through a lot between Chris and having the new baby in the house, but it's really hard to have patience with her when I have worked all day and have a screaming baby to attend to all night, not to mention D pissed off because he can't sleep either, god forbid. He wakes up 1 hour earlier every morning, I think he could be decent and help me ,but no such luck. I'm all alone again but this time worse because I'm not living with my mom. She was a much better help than D. Sorry to say but it's true. Funeral home tonight so hopefully I can find some time to clean a little bit at least. I feel better with a clean house. I need to think of a resolution yet..

Back....

2008-12-09T08:49:00.002-05:00

I'm back. And incase anyone is still checking in with me, I do not want to open up blogger anywhere but at work because I would hate for certain eyes to see this as it is pretty much my journal, and I know things can be saved in history on computers. Anyway. Well, J has been born on 9/21/08. It is amazing how different 2 babies can be. J is a breeze compared to miss L. Things are going pretty smooth and I just feel so much better, my hormones I think have finally levelled off and I am pretty much back to normal. Ack, besides the fact that I haven't taken my thyroid medication in over 3 weeks! whoops. I put it away because I was having company over and out of sight out of mind. i am getting bloodwork done to see where that stands. I know I will need to continue the meds though because I am losing my hair like crazy. Having 2 kids is so incredibly different then having one. It is truley amazing how a little infant can disorganize everything. She is almost 3 months now and is just so happy in life. She smiles all the time, it is addicting. L is a pita right now. She is not too jealous of J, but she is acting out a LOT. I think she got bored sitting home with me for 11 weeks because she just does not listen and gets in to everything and I cant seem to discipline this one. I lose my temper with her quite often because she should know right from wrong by now. Like not coloring on the floor anymore. I have told her repeatedly not to do this, yet she still does it. or not to mess with my dvd collection. I am just glad she hasn't run out in traffic, because quite honestly if I told her no or to stop she just wouldn't. I am working so hard with her, I hope I can fix this before she gets older and brattier. D and I are doing great. I didn't really expect us to make it work, but honestly I am falling in love with him more and more each day. He is a good man and really showed his true colors through the labor and delivery and post pardom and all of that. He has incredible strenth. I guess mostly because he put up with me during my low points. He must actually love me. He is currently working 1st shift for my dad's company - still through the temp agency though. He leaves the house at 5:30AM and sometimes doesn't get home until 7PM. He works an hour away so lots of travel time too. At least gas prices went down finally. He does help with the baby for the most part, although not in the night time as I predicted. With me being back to work he really will have to help me in the night now though. He is not going to like that one bit. L met her dad, Chris, a few weeks ago. we met at the mall food court. He is so annoying and has not changed one bit. I cringe just thinking about him. But we have met there 3 times so far since I started receiving child support. I guess now that he's paying for his daughter he might as well see her, gag me. I told him that before he can start just taking her he needs to show some consistancy and actually be a parent. I also told him that it might be a year or 2 before I start letting him take her. I actually should wait 3 since that is how long he was absent for. In my state though custody and child support are 2 seperate issues so really I do not have to let him see her at all, I am just being nice. He would have to get a lawyer to actually get custody or whatever. I don't see him doing that. But his fiance might I suppose. She is also the one, I'm sure of it, that is pushing him to keep seeing L. Oh well I know it's good for her to see him, even though I really do not want her subjected to that part of her being. I got one check so far from Chris. That was a good feeling to finally get something from him. He didn't even bring L anything when he saw her that first time, or any of the times he has seen her. He hasn't bought anything for her. so sad. I better get to work now. It's almost nice to be back because I get a mini vacation away from L. Sad to say I know, but we really can not spend 24/7 together anymore or I think I would have gone insane. I already noticed I was much happier last night to see her and we laughed and had a pleasant evening. Well, time to work.

My crazy emotions

2008-09-16T09:25:00.002-04:00

Well, yesterday was the day when I had to meet Chris face to face again. It was tough, I'm not going to lie. Three years since that loser last saw his daughter, he's never even given us a cent, or a diaper for that matter, and here I am having to face him all because the government forced me to. I really hate how they say the gov't has no control over society because in fact, they do. I'm not even eligible for any kind of public assistance, but just because I applied they forced me in to this, I honestly didn't even have a choice, I just got a letter that said there was a hearing. The fact that this lady we met with yesterday was totally and completely on Chris' side did not help matters either. We arrived at the same time and had to sit in the lobby together, he kept whispering things to me such as, how are you doing? How is she doing? Which I replied with one word answers. Then he has the nerve to say: She must have grown! No shit dumbass! I didn't even reply, just shook my head. I couldn't even look him in the eye, I have so much hate for this person, I really think I may need help in this department. Anyway, we go in to this small room with the child support specialist ie: this lady that is on Chris' side. He has this act going that he is all father of the year. Says how he really has been meaning to give us money, etc etc..then the words that I never hoped I'd hear. When can I see her, I thought that this was what this meeting was about. No, this meeting was to get the child support payment established. Which it got established, then she kept reducing it for him after he would whine. I didn't say many words, I just sat there silently wishing I had strength. I was a woman of few words yesterday, and not sure if that helped me or not. I wanted to punch him in the face so many different times. Like when he said how he understands that having a baby is expensive. OR when he said he had no idea child care was so expensive. or when he said he could just take her during the day so I don't have to pay for day care. UGH. He did reveal that he has a fiance and that she has children, so I'm wondering if she is telling him what to say, it really was such an act. Then he said he realizes that if he gets a better paying job that he is willing to pay more, etc etc. They lowballed me for sure, I am getting crap for c.s. and ya know what? I don't even give a shit. I don't want his dirty money anyways, and that is exactly how I think of it. I'm getting it direct deposited in to L's bank account and not touching it, unless I get desperate and she needs new clothes or something and I just can't make ends meet then that would be the only way I would delve in to it. Otherwise, it's hers. So then the lady said that both parties need to agree on visitation - so I said I would be okay with meeting at a park or something so that he could meet her - even though just saying that had me swallowing my heart. We exchanged phone numbers and that was that. Nothing was forced custody wise, the paper says I have physical and sole custody of L. So that is one good thing. It's just this pitt in my stomache now. It literally hurts and my heart aches. I have no strength left and I just wish I would have done something differently. Gotten my Master's degree so that I could have a better paying job so I wouldn't of even had to apply for stupid assistance in the first place. If there was any way that I could have avoided yesterdays events I just wish I knew. It also stated I can not move out of state unless approved by the court. So I am hoping to find some kick ass job out of state, because that is one way that the court would approve it and that would get me the hell away from him. The hardest part yesterday is that D was/is out of town and can not be there for me. I got home and wanted to just break down and cry. But then decided he's not worth it. So I just sat there in silence for about an hour, then went and picked up L. D had to travel for work and will not be home until Wednesday late night :( I desperately just wanted to hold him. Seeing Chris just made me love D that much more. I would never replace L for the world, so I know that what I had to go through was worth it in the big picture, but sooo not worth it with how I am looking at it right now. He said something else like, yeah we can do supervised visits a couple of times before I start taking her. I just laughed under my breath. "start taking her" should not even be in his vocabulary. I will flee the country before he just starts taking her. Good God! So yes, I suppose I have some emotional baggage that goes along with this event, but he hasn't changed. People don't just change. His behavior and having to listen to his voice yesterday told me that he hasn't changed. I hate him. and hate him more for not just letting us go. I wish I knew the future and what is to come of all of this. It is too soon to tell, but this pit stomache is back and now it's here to stay. blah.

I'm hot. I'm tired. I'm READY!

2008-09-12T15:23:00.002-04:00

Okay, I'm officially ready for my little girl to come out and meet the world. I'm done. I'm so tired of work, I'm tired of not being able to bend, I'm just plain tired. I know I will be even more tired once peanut arrives, but seriously my hips are killing me and I can hardly sleep as it is. I'd rather be comfortable and not getting any sleep than vice versa. ugh. Not to mention my feet are swollen and my hands and fingers. Even someone told me at work that my nose looked bigger. Not nice. I hate my job and can not wait to be done for 3 months, I think that is what I'm looking forward to the most. I just don't know how it's going to work out financially or how or if I'm going to still send L to daycare, but I'm hoping those answers will come to me while I'm off. At my appointment on Weds. They said I was less than 1 cm dialated and still thick, but very soft. So I'm assuming I have a ways to go yet. This coming Weds is my next appt and they are going to strip my membranes, so I have that to look forward to! Maybe this weekend it will happen naturally though? I hope so. Court is on Monday with Chris and I have major anxiety over this..it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. He had one of my ex friends, I lost quite a few friends after our break up, they all stayed friends with him, but he had one of them call one of my friends that actually stayed by my side, and was asking for my phone number for Chris because he really needs to talk to Jill. Well no shit he does, he wants to settle on some sort of child support before the court orders it. My friend was awesome though because she told the ex friend, well I don't feel comfortable giving out Jill's number but why don't you give me chris' and I can get it to her. YAY for friends! So my friend called to see if I wanted it since he was trying to get a hold of me, but I just said no thank you. Anyway, I bet he has to be worried too about what is going to happen. I wonder if he will even want to be in our child's life? I think that is something that is worrying me in the back of my mind. That he won't. The fact that he doesn't care. never did. It hurts me all over again to know he is like that. And deep down I know that I do want her to have her dad in her life, just wish it didn't have to be him that is for sure, but I know deep down that it is the right thing and that it could be a positive thing if he actually stepped up to the plate. But I have a feeling that he will not. He's a deadbeat loser and I feel awful that has to be that amazing Little girl's father. I can only hope that one day D decides to step up and be her real dad. I would love that. I know it's a huge thing to say or do though and I know in time he would like to because he has commented about it before. But probably a ways down the road yet. I'm going to go to court on Monday and just be confidant and say as minimal as possible. Look as good as I can. Get the child support monies in order and then bolt out of there so fast. I have to take time off from work for this so that is annoying also. Oh which reminds me I still haven't talked to my boss about that yet. This weekend D has A, but he's not getting her until tomorrow morning so that is kind of nice. She has another soccor game and it's in her home town so hes' just going to pick her up after the game. He wants me to go but it's during L's dance class so I don't think I will go. Even though my dad and his gf are coming up to take L to dance, I still maybe will want to sleep during that time. I can be selfish right now, correct? I am beyond ready to have this baby though. I feel like my due date has come and gone, even though it's not until next Saturday. My co-workers are so sweet. They had a luncheon today for me and probably 5 or 6 of them got me gifts! I was so shocked. One even hand made me a baby blankey, it is just adorable!! I really need to apologize to them for being a hormonal bitchy prego woman these past like 6 months :( D needs an apology too. As well as L. My patience is at a zero right now with her and I snap at her so quickly, it's not fair. Her and D are probably so ready for me to be done being pregnant. I can honestly say I didn't like myself much the past couple of months. I'm feeling better right now though, mainly because I know i'm close to the end. My car seat got installed, but it's really cock-eyed, I dunno how to fix it. Hopefully someone at work might be able to help me. I was going to have Stacie clean my house for $30 but I'm too cheap I guess because I decided against it, I might as well get my fat butt doing it myself. That's all for now I guess.

waiting......

2008-09-08T16:00:00.002-04:00

Now is just the waiting game, waiting for baby to come out safe and sound. Everything I wanted done is done and that makes me very happy. The car seat needs to be installed, or base rather, but I'm not even worried about that, D could always do it even at the hospital. The base and car seat are at least in the vehicle. I've been having contractions pretty regularly now, but not any that are making me double over and nothing really on a schedule, so I'm pretty sure now that I will be making it to my due date, which I guess is not that big of a deal. I'm pretty at peace with the whole baby situation and just waiting patiently. D is being wonderful and he got a new job! yay! He started that on Friday and it's about 4-5 dollars more per hour than what he was making before so woo hoo, I am happy for him. He seems happier too. He's been helping me out a lot and I think realizing that I'm not making it up when I'm moaning and groaning all the time in the night and everything. Not to mention the fact that I'm humungous now!! Now on to the crappy news. I got a letter in the mail again from the child support people, and I have to go to court on September 15th for a hearing. I am not happy about this at all. It means I have to see Chris face to face and we have to figure out visitation. Which I find hilarious since he hasn't seen her in 3 years so not too sure what we are going to figure out, but visitation needs to be figured out before he starts paying child support or some bull shit like that. I'm going to suggest like 2 Saturdays a month under my terms, so we will meet at my mother's house or at the park on Saturday mornings. hopefully he agrees to this. I will not budge. Then on top of that, I'm due 5 days later and so I have to waddle my ass in to court and I will feel judged. I'm sure he knows that I'm prego just because news travels fast in my town, but I just would rather look a little better when seeing him, I'm sure any girl would feel the same way. I also need strength. He always had a way with me to not let me get my point across, or I could say what I was thinking, and I never could get 2 words in edgewise. I'm just scared I will agree to something out of stupidity or because of his stupid ways. I just need to breathe, I know, and let it all play out. I'm hoping he is as nervous as I am or more. Also, what if I have the baby before the court date, what if I can't make it? Is having a baby a good enough excuse not to show up to a court date? I have no clue. All I do know is that there is so much uncertainty and it's scaring the crap out of me. I wish I didn't have to deal with this, but alas, it's happening, and had I know it would happen, I would have filed right after she was born so I could have been collecting all along. But I didn't know, so whatever. no use dwelling on it now. In other news, L started dance classes this past weekend. Tumbling and ballet! It was great! She loves it and I'm so glad I put her in them because I think it's just what she needed. She's growing in to such a little person, it's so much fun watching her. I wish I could wrestle around with her more like I used to..oh well, soon enough I will be able to do that again! I really do miss my body. So I also found out that with D living in my home with me, now when I apply for gov't assistance I will be eligible for nada. :( This really sucks. I pretty much can't come back to my job this means. Since I'd be paying $1000/month for daycare and I can not do that on my own. Right now I pay $600 and I barely scrape by. Having 2 kids and me would have given me some govt asst. I think they would have helped with 70% of the day care bill - but now with D in the household it puts us at too high of an income, which is bs, I wish they calculated bills in to that equation, but I guess nothing in life is free egh? So I'm going to have to take a lower paying job closer to home so that we can get assistance..nice huh? and a bit ass backwards if you ask me, but oh well. Hey maybe I can land a higher paying job. But in Michigan's economy right now, ha ha that is the biggest joke. Anyways, the whole thing is just very frusterating to me and makes me head hurt. Work is having a party for me on Friday for the baby, I guess a sort of baby shower, just no presents, so that will be fun! I hate being the center of attention, but it will be nice! Baby needs to come soon though, I'm really burned out at work, I dread waking up in the morning these days.

September is here....

2008-09-03T15:28:00.002-04:00

Well, the month is finally here. I will be having a baby this month and that scares me to death. I dont know which I am afraid of more. Labor or taking home a newborn? It's so much different this time though. I've been so relaxed throughout this pregnancy, except for my hormones going out of whack time to time, but my stress level is surprisingly a lot lower than when I was prego with L. I remember just being in knots that entire pregnancy and lots of yelling at non parent, etc. Oh, speaking of him, I got a letter in the mail that he did show up to meet with the child support specialist so now she has to set up a hearing for us to meet face to face. that is going to be one of the most difficult things I will have to do in a long while. Anyway, I also have help this time that is not my mother. Which is weird too. My mom is being weird too. She thought I was going to be staying with her the first couple weeks after I had the baby? Um, no. Why would I do that? I have a house. I have a bf that wants to be involoved! It's so so unlike last time I really don't understand it. Then she was like, 'and D can come and go as he pleases,, etc.' I wasn't mean about it but I did tell her that I would be more comfortable staying at my own house when everything is already all set up there, but that I'm hoping she comes over a lot. She seemed sad, but why the fuck did she think I'd be staying over there? who knows. Then last night she asked me if I wanted her to stay the night at the hospital with me. I just said, well let me talk to D and see what he is planning on doing, cuz if he wants to go home and sleep on our bed then yes I will have you stay. But it's almost as if she doesn't realize that D is in my life? It confuses me to no end. D and I have been getting along really well and he seems excited for the baby. He got a cell phone to take to work just incase I go in to labor. It's just a cheapy phone from Wal-mart that you can add minutes on yourself, but at least now I am not worried on how I will contact him! Last week at the Dr. I went in and they had to check me, my cervix was completely closed but yet I bled pretty bad. The midwife said she had to show me all the blood since it was such a significant amount..yuck..i regret looking. It was probably 5-6 tablespoons if I had to guess. She said it's because the cervix is so sensitive right now and wants to open up. She wasn't concerned so I guess I'm not either. Then today I had another appointment, since I go weekly now, but they didn't check me. I told her how I've swollen up a lot and feel very bloated and how I puked this morning too, but she said she was not concerned. I guess no cause for conccern again. Last night I had major contractions though, they were keeping me up all night. Then this morning. nothing. go figure. I did not miss those contraction pains though, it brought back painful memories of my last labor with L. yuck. I really hope that this time it can be a bit less stress and pain. Names...are still a work in progress. D and I don't agree really, so we have a small list that we will take with us and then just take a look at her and decide at that time. What I'm hoping though is that a name just jumps out at me and is the perfect name for my second daughter. D and I will have known eachother for 1 year on the 8th of this month. Pretty crazy if you ask me. Makes me feel pretty whorish, but what can I say, I had been single for over 2 years and was ready again for love. I was so lonely at that little apartment with just L and I. That's when I hold D tighter in the night, it means so much to me to have him there next to me. We've not exactly had a smooth road in the past year that's for sure and if I wasn't pregnant I'm really not sure we would have lasted. Mainly because we are so opposite. But I do love the guy despite everything that we have been through and are going to go through. It scares me to death the whole thing and the whole life changing experience, but on the other hand, it really excites me and leaves me feeling this sense of unknowing that really gives me a rush. I just can not wait to meet this baby and see what she is all about. 2 more weeks give or take and let the games begin!

stuff getting done

2008-08-25T16:08:00.001-04:00

This weekend was quite productive. Well, Sunday anyways. Friday night after work my dad came in to town and he took one look at L's bugbite and said I needed to get her to the Dr. asap. So we went to the med express thingie. She had had these 2 bites on her for the past 5-7 days that had a black dot in the center and the black dot started to get bigger almost the size of the bite, it looked pretty sick. So we took her in, luckily he was there to help me keep her entertained. we got there at 6:30PM and they said a 75 minute wait..well that turned in to a 120 minute wait..grrrrr. Then we finally got seen at 8:30 and he just looked at them and said, yep that's an abcess or something else, but we will give her an antibiotic and that should clear it up. We were in with the actual dr. for all of 2 minutes. The antibiotic seems to be working pretty good, it's the same one that they give to people with MRSA he said. So far they look a little bit better. So we got home from the Doc and D had his sister and A there for the last night..he took them both home on Saturday - yay! I survived the 2 weeks! Anyways, then Saturday I woke up and had to go to my best friend's sister's baby shower in Detroit, which is quite a drive from my house. My back was killing me both trips. L stayed at my mom's house. The shower was really nice. She is due October 5th and is wayy huger than me. I was shocked because I feel huge, but she was a lot bigger. She got a lot of nice things and after the shower, my bf and I went to the mall to shop a little bit. My mom called at 5 and was quite angry that I hadn't even left yet, she thought I'd be home by now. she had told me the day before to take my time, etc etc..seems like whenever her boyfriend is around she gets more impatient to get rid of L. She could have just not had her bf be there but whatever. So I got home and picked L up and came home and crashed early. Sunday D and I both woke up and started cleaning, we got the nursery finally organized and it's almost 100% done, I'm so happy. It looks cute. cramped. but cute. The changing table remains in the shed. L's room I got cleaned, the after math of her and A, it was bad, but I got it all clean and organized. Everything in the house just feels clean and ready for baby! I'm a happy mom right now. D swept and mopped the kitchen floor, vacumed, cleaned our room and the kitchen, I was so in love. After cleaning he went to his aunt's house to hang out and I went and picked up my little cousin and took her and L to the sprinkler park - It was alot of fun, and nice to have a quiet day with them. Then L and I got home around 5 and she went right to the couch and fell asleep instantly, I have never seen this child do this. She must have been exhausted. So what a nice weekend. I really am surprised by how laid back it was and stress free. I have this coming friday off from work and Monday also for Labor Day. Happy week for me. Thursday is my dr. appt and they will be checking me and doing the strep b test. I feel a weight lifted but it may be the fact that my nursery is finally put together!!!

cooler

2008-08-20T09:50:00.002-04:00

I calmed down a lot just after typing that last blog. Just some things I needed to get off my chest I suppose. I feel a lot calmer today. L made me late for work yesterday and today and I handled it much better than the previous day. I'm trying to be more patient with her and so far it's working. I already feel guilty for bringing a baby in to our world, her world is going to be turned upside down here once the baby comes. I just need to remember not to neglect her, or the baby for that matter. D had a 3 hour test for a new job last night. He got chosen for the second part of the hiring process for a huge company in town. There was 5000 applicants and only 200 got chosen to take the second part and D was one of them! yay! The next step though is narrowing it down to 14 out of the 200, so we'll see..Fingers are crossed!!! While I'm off on Maternity leave I'm also going to be job searching for myself, I really hope I can find something closer to home and something I actually can tolerate. I finally did say something to my boss about the 12 weeks off, she just wrote it down and said we'd talk to John about it, who is the even higher up boss...wonderful. But so far I am hoping for the best! 3 months off is still not enough in my opinion, but I'm sure it's not mothers that set up these stupid FMLA programs or else we would have a better maternity section. Another co-worker is leaving on Sept. 5th so they are going to be really understaffed..funny that I don't even care! I'm actually excited to leave them with my super huge case load and let them see and deal with the crazyness of it. I have the biggest case load in the whole office. So D and I finally went to Babies R Us..my dad took L and we went on Monday night. I got everything I needed. D picked out the babies coming home outfit, well I think A actually did, because he brought her with us. She was so quiet the entire time, it was kind of nice, she's a lot quieter when L isn't around I guess. It was a nice evening though and I am feeling a tiny bit more organized now. I got my cupboards cleaned out in the kitchen over the weekend. I got all the laundry done - washed all of L's old clothes in preparation for the new babe. Got everything off of my list at Babies R Us, think I spent $100. Oh still need to get a base for D's car, but we didn't get that yet. I can't believe they are $40! Still need a hamper for baby's room too but that is definitly not an urgency. All we need to do yet is organize the nursery, move furniture, set up crib, bring in changing table if I'm going to be doing that. But all of that is not a hurry since the baby will be in the bassinet in our room at first. I'm not going to want to run to the other end of the house to be breastfeeding every hour or 2, so I figured she would stay in our room for a while. The bassinet my mom found at a garage sale is like brand new and so adorable, I never had one with L so I'm kinda excited for it. One more thing I still need to do is pack my hospital bag. Last night I was having contractions, but nothing continuous, but definitley there. I anticipate this baby coming early, we'll see. She might come late. Weird, but my boss just called and asked again how long I'm taking off and I said 12 weeks and she said Ok. Phew..I'm so thrilled now I don't think I need to worry about it now, I just come back after 12 weeks! yay! Things are finally falling in to place. I'm in no hurry for baby to come out yet though, she's being a good girl right where she is.

RAGE - ing hormones

2008-08-18T14:51:00.003-04:00

I am so not myself these days. I don't think it helped that D had A all weekend. I just get mad for no reason. Or if there is a reason, I completely blow it out of proportion. L wasn't taking a nap on Saturday and I went ape shit on her. I was screaming at the poor child, mainly because I was tired beyond belief and just wanted to fucking sleep. I laid there with her for 2 hours and kept making her lay down, etc. Finally D came home and came in and asked if L could come out and play with A and I made a huge deal about it, and he said I could still take a nap, but I said forget that, so I sat out in the living room and pouted instead. WTF is wrong with me? Then I got pissed off on Saturday because A and L made a huge mess in the bedroom so I got my shoes on and took L to my mom's house and stayed the night there since my mom was out of town. I just can't handle A and L together. A drives me completely insane. Then Saturday morning illegedly L was coloring on the walls. L told me that A did too. I believe her. D of course, does not believe that A would ever color on the walls. He took L and took her to her room for a time out, so I threw a fit and said he should punish his own kid too since we weren't out there and don't know for sure what happened, and he just said A would never color on the walls. I went and got L out of her time out, I felt it was unfair. A of course said no, she didn't do it, but why would she admit it when she sees L getting in trouble for it. And L has no idea how to lie so why would she make it up that A colored on the walls too?! I just don't get it. D thinks his precious A is perfect though and it makes me want to hurl. So the whole day just started out shitty, not to mention there was absolutely nothing going on all weekend, so of course I predicted a fight. Sunday morning L and I came home and brought a peace offering of doughnuts, but of course as soon as I saw D and saw that he was still mad, I again got mad. But I still apologized for the things I had said - I had told him the previous day how I can't stand when A is here and they mess up the whole house because I'M the one who gets stuck cleaning it all up! - I apologized and he still just said, "eghm" didn't respond at all and just laid there in my bed. So then I had A and L all morning for about 2.5 hours while he laid there and watched TV, another things that pissed me off. Finally he got up, took A to his aunts house and I didn't see him the rest of the day til about 8 or 9pm last night. And of course when he gets home he is being nice and now all of a sudden wants me. Bull shit that was going to happen. I was stuck home alone with L all day and got all of the babies laundry done.. Fun. while he was at his aunts house probably playing cards and having all sorts of fun and at least being SOCIAL, while I'm stuck in the quietness of home. L was not too much company as she just kept getting in to mischeif and held me back from doing any type of chores. Oh and to go back to Saturday, D decided(while I was at my mom's) to put the babies huge dresser in front of the toy closet so that L and A can't play anymore. NOt to mention as I was leaving he was telling A that she can't play with L anymore because Jill said so and she can't touch L's toys anymore either cuz Jill said so. Oh I wanted to hurt him bad! So I couldn't move the dresser on Sunday to get stuff I needed out of the closet, because it's a huge ass dresser and it wouldn't even budge for me. GRrrrrrrr. I am still so pissed off and do not really know what to do. We are on speaking terms, but nothing got resolved, I don't know what to say. I'm at a loss. I can't help it that, I hate to say this, but I don't like his kid?! Is that what it could be? I feel like a horrible person for saying that. But I guess I'm the type that likes my own kids but no one elses? My cousins child who is 9 months older than L aggravates me also. What is my problem!? I feel so heartless! How can you not like or love a child?! I haven't told D any of my feelings and don't really intend to, I can't say that shit to him. This is his kid and I do love him so I've put up with her thus far, I just don't think I can do it anymore, I'm taking my anger out on L and that's not fair! AT ALL! This morning I was late for work, yes it was L's fault, she sat on the toilet for 15 minutes and didn't even go! I was so mad, the rage came back again and I was screaming at her so bad it made her cry. I feel so guilty, but it's like this rage comes out of nowhere and SO is not me at all!!! The slightest stupid thing sets me off. That scares me because what is it going to be like when baby #2 gets here? I hope this rage doesn't follow me, I hope it's a pregnancy thing and goes away, I hope I like A more after the baby comes too. I'm so worried that there is something wrong with me. Yesterday I was so depressed from just sitting in the house all day, I finally dragged L out to WalMart just to buy her a toy because She kept bugging me to go shopping. D and I were supposed to go out shopping on Saturday and that never happened. Sunday came and went and we still didn't go. He had finally agreed to go to Babies r us with me and then we fought and did'nt make it. We need to go to best buy too, he got a house phone and we have no cordless phone so we are gonna go buy one. At least I'll finally be able to reach him! Tonight my dad is picking L up from daycare so I asked if he would babysit so D and I could go shopping and he agreed, so maybe we can talk at that time, but about what? I am speechless. I might need to talk to a psychologist about ppd once this baby comes too. I already am feeling symptomatic. I don't want to be the crazy parent, the one that yells about stupid shit, what if I'm turning in to my own mother? I used to take anxiety meds a long time ago, 2003, took them for 1 year, and I was cured, never had another anxiety attack since. So i know the medications can and do work. Maybe I will need one again? It's worth a shot I guess. This time it's not anxiety though really..a small hint of anxiety - not the anxiety mess I was in 03 that's for sure - but mainly feeling depression. I'm already looking at yoga classes with Stacie in the winter as well. I do believe that exercise is far greater than any anti-depressants, and was even thinking about starting to jog around my neighborhood when I can catch a break. Maybe I will try that first, because I don't feel total loss of control of my self, just a little symptomatic. PLus it will help with me getting my body back if I start the exercise stuff again! I miss it. The rage, I 'm thinking is just pregnancy - I thought for sure I was going to go in to labor on Saturday after yelling at L like that - that just so isn't me or my personality - it was not me! This probably makes no sense. A is still here until this Sunday..sigh. At least she won't be around for Labor Day weekend, I have Friday through monday off and I am just over joyed...A 4 day weekend is mucho needed!!!! I'm going to go wallow in guilt now for being a horrible parent this weekend....

going along

2008-08-14T09:48:00.002-04:00

Week 34 - things are going pretty good! This baby likes to kick me pretty much all the time, it's neat though because L rarely kicked so this experience is almost like brand new to me. I keep having dreams about this baby and I am getting very excited to meet her. I'm excited to have another miracle and to start this new journey. I'm scared but only because my whole family keeps telling me how horrible of a time I'm going to have and how my life is now over as I know it as soon as this baby comes, etc etc..it's very discouraging. I want to be happy damnit! I want this to be a great life experience, I don't want to dwell on it or be miserable. Every time I say anything to my mom, and I'm only just trying to vent to her, she ends up just saying, well this is your deal, don't ask me for help, or why don't you dump him then. She's usually drunk when giving me this wonderful advice, but it hurts that she doesn't really care and isn't really here for me like she was the last time. A peice of me feels that she is almost jealous that D is the one that is going to be taking care of me now. D will be the one in the hospital room, D will be the one cutting the cord, D will be the one driving us home, etc. She seems almost bitter about that, and keeps bringing things up to me which makes me mad. For example the other day she brought up money and the fact that D isn't paying me anything and basically just living with me for free and boy doesn't he have it made, blah blah..as if to try and make me mad at him, and guess what? it worked. I started thinking about how she was right and then my blood started to boil and then I asked D for money that night and told him he needs to give me $60 this week. ..3 weeks ago he gave me $40 and that's all I've seen from him since. So I'm paying for the groceries, consumers bill, HOUSE PAYMENT, everything. All he's paying for is his smokes and gas and food when he eats out. Oh yeah and the cable bill, his precious cable. He doesn't have a cell phone, but that cable bill surely gets paid each month. OH yeah he's got his car payment each week too, he gives my dad $50 per week toward the car he got from him. He will have that paid off by the end of Sept. so that's good. D still owes me $382 for a loan I gave him. I will never loan a massive amount of money again, but I figured $480 wasn't that bad. Considering that I signed a loan for Chris for $7000 when I was with him, I mean, come on, WTH was I thinking!?! He paid back $3500 of it, but still owes me $3500, and I'm quite certain I will never see that money again. I vowed right then never to loan anyone money again..a good lesson learned. Now I'm pretty much just supporting D huh? Am I stupid? Love makes you, or I guess ME, do stupid things. I hope I don't ever have feelings of regret for taking D in like I have. He gives me extra money when he can. He is not like Chris at all. He is very humble. I don't feel like I'm doing anything stupid, but my mom and friend Stacie have told me differently. I guess they just don't want to see me get hurt. D said once my dad is paid off he will start giving me the $50/week so that will be nice. Although then he will have C/S too and will he just consider that his rent payment?? I do sincerely hope not. We'll see I guess. Having A for the 2 weeks is going pretty good. We had his sister and her stay the night on Tuesday night. It went fine, except L was a nightmare trying to get to sleep and then in the morning it was hell trying to get her out the door for daycare since she wanted to stay and play with A, but other than that it went fine. Kind of a full house but still went well. I still haven't done anything to prepare for new baby besides rack my brain. I need to start actually DOING stuff instead of just thinking about stuff. I need to rearrange my cupboards in my kitchen, and then of course the nursery, oh boy. My mom came over last night and we looked at it at least and kind of got an idea how we want to set it up. The room is so tiny and I'm going to attempt to have a crib, glider chair and ottoman, dresser, and changing table. although my mom suggested just putting the pad thing right on the dresser and change her on that instead of dragging in the changing table..we'll see! I need to wash all the baby clothes and get them put in to the dresser. Organize L's toys as they are all stacked up in the baby's closet whereas if you open the closet door a huge stack of toys will come falling down on you. yeah, it's a mess. Maybe this weekend. Who knows. I've been having I think Braxton Hicks contractions, it's been pretty unpleasant. I get another ultrasound on the 20th for some odd reason, I should have refused it but oh well, might as well check it out I guess and make sure all is well. They shouldn't need to do anymore though should they? ugh. Oh and I still haven't talked to work about my 12 weeks off. I'm too afraid. What if they don't let me? I would be crushed. This is what I really want, and I think by law they have to give me the 12 weeks off, but I'm not entirely sure. The last time I had a baby they fired me because they wouldn't allow any unpaid time off and I was an at-will employee, it was this same company, so who knows what kind of strings they will pull this time. that's what scares me I guess. D has been in better moods lately so that has been nice. I'm not sure why the change, but I'm definitly not complaining, things there have really been good and we both seem happy. He seems disconnected from the baby stuff and doesn't even really talk about it. Just pays a lot of attention to my belly at night and plays with the baby, but other than that he doesn't talk about it. I have asked him several times to come to baby's r us with me, I want him to buy the coming home outfit, but he always just says, why do we have to do it now. so we haven't done that yet. But I really want to try the slingrider thing so I'm going to buy that too, it's $50 but I think a sling would be wonderful to have to keep baby close to me and still have hands free to play with L. L just keeps asking, Is my baby here yet? It's so cute. She always wants to kiss my belly and then looks up at me so serious and says "baby's kickin". I am going to miss that. I really should video tape it or at least get a pic of her kissing my belly. I haven't taken many pics of my belly at all really. I need to do that. Especially since it could be too late here pretty soon.

2008-08-12T09:37:00.002-04:00

Layer One: On the Outside
Name:: Jill
Birthday:: May 13th
Current Location:: My cubicle @ work
Eye Color:: blue
Hair Color:: blonde
Righty or Lefty:: righty
Zodiac Sign:: Taurus
Layer Two: On the Outside
Your Heritage:: Irish and Polish
Your Fears:: My babies getting hurt
Your Weakness:: I'm a pushover
Goal:: must clean nursery
Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up:: pee pee pee
Your bedtime:: 10 or 11
Your most missed memory:: it's not missed if you have the memory
Layer Four: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke:: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King:: Mcd's
Single or Group dates:: whichever, I don't go on dates though.
Adidas or Nike:: Either one I guess
Lipton Tea or Nestea:: neither one
Chocolate or Vanilla:: Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:: Coffee
Layer Five: Do You?
Smoke:: no
Have a crush:: no
Think you've been in love:: i know it
Want to get married:: yes
Believe in yourself:: yes
Think you're a health freak:: haha not right now!
Layer Six: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol:: no
Gone to the mall:: yes
Eaten Sushi:: no
Gone skating:: no
Dyed your hair:: no
Layer Seven: Have Your Ever?
Played a stripping game:: yes
Gotten beaten up:: yes
Changed who you were to fit in:: no
Layer Eight: Getting Old
Age your hoping to be married:: 40
Layer Nine: Perfect Mate
Best Eye Color:: doesn't
Best Hair Color:: matter
Short or Long Hair:: to me
Layer Ten: What were you doing...
1 MINUTE AGO:: Typing this
1 HOUR AGO:: sitting in my cubicle or in the bathroom
1 DAY AGO:: same as above
1 YEAR AGO:: probably same as above actually..
Layer Eleven: Finish the Sentence
I LOVE:: strawberry milk
I FEEL:: alone
I HATE:: work
I HIDE:: money
I MISS:: friends
I NEED:: strawberry milk

How did I get here?

2008-08-07T10:25:00.002-04:00

Whew - only about a month to go and this baby will be here! I'm getting pretty excited/nervous/scared/anxious! Last night I went and bought some new nursing bras, the ones from with L were pretty dingy. I keep daydreaming about labor and delivery and then having an infant + L. Oh that scares me so. I'm not really counting on D to help out too much, but maybe he will surprise me. Things with him have pretty much been okay. I've been busy with my own stuff going on and he's been busy with his own stuff so we don't get to talk very much lately. The house seems to be staying clean so I think we are both just helping out now, so that is cool. I hate having a messy house and it got really bad for a while - but now it still looks pretty good. He gets his daughter this Sunday and then for two whole weeks strait. we'll see how this goes. I have major anxiety over this. She will probably be staying at his aunt's house for the majority of the 2 weeks with the exception of the weekends, because d's work shift is 6-4pm and so she'll need to stay the night at the aunt's house every weekday and then after work he will have her for a few hours and then have to drop her back to the aunt's to sleep, so that won't be that bad. I have been so exhausted, I can not get comfortable at night, therefore, I'm up a lot. I've been late to work every day this week. I just want a day off to sleep all day. Yesterday I had a migraine at work for 4 hours, didn't get a thing done but at least I was here getting my time in. Tomorrow morning I have a dr. appt. I'm wondering if I will end up having this baby early? I feel like I might, I have such pains all the time..where I will be walking and have to dead stop and take a breath because it hurts so bad. I never had braxton hicks with L or anything really..it was all just normalness. Another thing I'm a tad worried about is what if I die during childbirth? I want her to be named Jillian if I do die. But I need to be here for both of my babies- what will become of L? or the new one for that matter. I definitley don't want d raising the baby at his aunt's house. Maybe I should give him my house so they have a place to live? I hate all these 'what ifs' but it really is something to consider. I really need to make a WILL, but not sure if I will get that done before d-day. Which, I am still in disbelief that it's already almost here. hmm I guess that's all that is on my mind for today. I'm talking to my boss today about hoping to take 12 weeks off, we'll see how this goes.

2008-07-30T10:24:00.000-04:00

ok I figured it out, but it's still rather blurry.

7.5 weeks to go

2008-07-29T10:20:00.002-04:00

So the weekend went well. I didn't make it to my mom's house, because D was going to the bar(to be the dd) and he needed me to babysit. I had a couple girlfriends over to assist, so all went well. It's so nice to be with a man that doesn't leave me every single weekend and sometimes weekdays to go to the bar and leave me home alone and pregnant wondering what he is doing out still until 6am. That was how my life was with Chris when I was pregnant with L. D doesn't drink, and I love that. Which seems odd since I love to drink when not with child. It was nice back when we first started dating because I could finally have a few drinks at home and he was there just incase L needed me or a driver or something. I'm a paranoid person so I never drank when it was just her and I in the house. Call me responsible I guess. Anyway, yesterday D had the day off work to go to a couple of interviews, I asked what he had done all day and he said nothing. So I of course was expecting to come home to my trash filled house. A and L seem to always trash the place when she is in town. Well to my surprise he had cleaned the house! I think I was in shock, but wow. Is he learning after all? I was really dreading walking in to my messy house and he had tricked me and had it clean after all, and here I was ready to bitch. It aggravates me that A is scared of everything. I know she is 6 so it's normal for this stage, but my daughter is not scared of anything and I like it that way..now, whenever A leaves then L starts developing fears. Like I'm having a hard enough time right now transitioning her to her new bed and now last night she said A had told her there was a monster under her bed so she no longer wants to sleep in it. ughhhhh. A is scared of Ants, bugs, everything basically, and is ALWAYS talking about monsters and how they are getting her. I know I know, it's all normal, but I don't need L developing fears when she has always been fearless. How do I deal with this? I told A to quit talking about monsters, but she doesn't listen to me. Don't know if I posted about this yet or not, but my mom talked to a guy at the child support office and I guess if we end up having a hearing then it wouldn't be until October, that's how backed up they are. But phew, now I don't have to worry about being 9 months prego and going in there, that would just not sit well with me. I also realized that as soon as I pop this baby out they are going to go after D for c.s. also since we are not married. That's ok though because I "think" that would mean that his payments for A would go down some? I'm not sure how that all works though. Maybe not. We'll see. I tried taking a pic of my latest ultrasound with my camera phone so I will try posting it, here: ok I can't do it, it keeps saying error. I'm usually pretty good with a computer, but for some reason this blogger site confuses the heck out of me!

I am bored

2008-07-24T14:44:00.002-04:00

Ok, so my job has got to be the easiest, but most boring of all jobs. Some days I am crazy busy, but then others I sit here and contemplate my existance in this cubicle. Everything is done. Why are my co-workers so far behind..I'm ahead of schedule. Let's see here, so this weekend D has A. He didn't have her last weekend due to her spending the weekend at a friend's house, so now we get her two weekends in a row, this weekend and next weekend. Then for 2 weeks in August. Sigh. I really don't want to be the mean stepmother, but seriously, the kid can drive me insane. Not to mention she is extremely bossy toward L. What happened to that sweet little 5 year old I met nearly a year ago. She's 6 now I guess is what happened. Also when she is in town my house gets completely trashed, I'm guessing because her and L tear it up, but I just don't get it. and I hate it. Maybe i will go and stay at my mom's house for the weekend? It sounds nice right about now. I just need a break from D and a break from A is nice too. I haven't seen her since the 4th of July but I dread the thought of her coming. I would never say these words out loud and I regrettably don't like thinking them. I just think it's best to put it down somewhere so that I don't completely lose my mind. Maybe I will go to my moms. My mom is going to her bf's house. They still broke up, but they are going to still see eachother - whatever the hell that means. So she is going to stay with him all weekend so her house will be free. I might have to do that in order to avoid a fight with D, since we always fight when A is in town for one reason or another. L adores A though and that is cute. She really missed her this last gap of time and brings her up quite a bit. So I will still need to make sure they get some time to hang out. However, I hate how if L has a toy, then all of a sudden A just HAS to have it. shouldn't L be the one that is like that? L is the 2 year old, yet A is the one playing the part. Also if A sees something she wants or wants to look at, she always asks, "what is that?" looking at a peice of cake, as if she doesn't know what a peice of cake is. Why not just ask for a peice of cake instead of playing dumb. Ok I'm done venting about it, it just irks me. I made A a frame that has a picture of her and her daddy from up at the lake in it. I'm going to have her take it to her mom's house so she has a picture to see when her dad isn't there..it's cute. I still have a stomache ache about L's dad and the whole child support stuff..still no answers really. My mom works for the courts and I guess she is talking to some guy more about it today so we can get some answers, I'm still so afraid and still so sick to my stomache and wish this wasn't happening. I had some really crazy fucked up dreams last night. I ended up in L's bed because she was coughing so hard I was paranoid, so I slept in the bed below hers just to keep an eye on her. I slept great, but just weird dreams. I had my ultrasound yesterday! The baby looks great - she is so cute. and she is healthy which is the best part of all! They said she's about 3lbs 11oz's right now, and is about 45% for weight - so she is average - yay. She looks just like L - it's kinda creepy. I can't imagine having 2 girls. It makes me happy in so many ways, but also sad too. Once this baby comes it is going to be a challenge to give one on one time to L and I hate that part. I don't want her to feel replaced - ever. I want her to feel like the proud older sister. I just keep thinking - this is the last summer that it will be just L and I. I keep typing because if I don't I fear I will keel over and fall asleep. I'm exhausted. I have no idea why, I just want to sleep. I think mainly because I'm so bored today and I didn't get a lunch because I worked my lunch hour today to make up for my dr. appt yesterday. I think I will go take a stroll to the water jug, then to the bathroom, and take my sweet time. Is it 5:00 yet? Friday tomorrow thank goodness!!

things floating on my mind today

2008-07-22T14:18:00.003-04:00

I have a feeling I'm really going to need this blog as soon as things get started with this whole child support/custody thing that I have started. sigh. I can't believe my baby girl has been breathing for almost 3 years and this deadbeat has not seen her since she was 2 months old, nor has given us one cent toward anything. I should have filed a while back, but didn't want the drama of him in our lives, so I stayed out of it and had he persued a relationship with her (a while ago!) I would have been okay with it, but it has been disappointing since she was 2 months. I remember a year ago in September he called and wanted to see her, so I set up a time and place to meet and guess what? He didn't show up. Nothing since. Now I had to file support due to having to receive medicaid- blah - so now I've opened up a new can of worms and I'm scared shitless. I'm so afraid he's going to come after custody now after all these years. I am going to have to sit down with him in a hearing like situation and we are going to have to come to an agreement on child support and on custody..how do i do that with someone I haven't seen in 3 years and have so much built up anger toward?? I suppose the ball will be in my court since I'm the one that has been raising her since day one, but omg, the anxiety is already here and there is no court date yet. He first has to go and meet one on one with the child support lady, then after that is when the court date will be set up. It's a slow process so this could be months from now. Who really knows. All I know, is I'm scared for my baby. Maybe it will be a good thing. But mainly, i'm scared. He's not working right now either so I know that I won't be getting much from him. I really don't think this is all worth it. I wish I could just go back and change my mind. I want to run away from this. I won't be able to move out of state unless it's approved by the court and by him..I hate not having control of my own life. Things with D are going better. We've both let up a little bit and are just kinda getting along - may be fakely so - but getting along none the less. I'm trying my hardest not to bitch at him about every little thing and I think he's trying too. I noticed if I just shut up and do things around the house, then he will pitch in too and help me also..it's a team effort and i think I had kind of forgotten that seeing that I'm spoiled and felt that he should be doing everything. So we shall see what happens. Tomorrow I get to see my baby girl again with an ultrasound! I am psyched!!! I'm taking my mom along because she is so anxous to see her! I haven't seen her since 20 weeks so I'm ready. D couldn't take the time off from work anyways so it's better this way. My daughter is having a difficult time with the transition to the toddler bed. I honestly did not think it would be this difficult, but she cries and cries now when I go to leave her at night. I've been just laying with her and trying to bargain with her.."if you go to sleep like a good girl then you can have a fruit snack in the morning". Stuff like that. Probably shouldn't be doing it, but it has worked thus far.. I use it as a last resort but it works. Or I just lay with her until she is very tired, then she doesn't mind if I am walking out. She fell out of bed last night and cried and cried..hit her head on her night stand..even though there is a mattress down below she still hit her head. So i pulled the mattress from underneath out a little more..its a trendle bed. My mom and her boyfriend broke up again this weekend. sigh. He is supposed to be coming over tomorrow night to get his things, I have a feelling they will be back together though. Let's see if I'm correct. Work is kicking my butt. Lots of new changes here and I'm physically and mentally drained. I don't want to come back after I have the baby. I wish I didn't have to. I'm going to try my hardest to take 12 weeks off.

I can't win

2008-07-16T13:57:00.002-04:00

I feel like I'm losing the fight with D. I am a person that doesn't usually put up with a lot, but with him I feel like I've put up with a TON. Not sure if it's just the pregnancy hormones, but I'm starting to think, not. He is as stubborn if not more than I am and that is irritating. He doesn't listen to me, ever. And I don't like how he's been toward L. He walked in the other day and L said "HI D" and he just ignored her? I mean, what the fuck is that? When I was younger I dreamed of marrying a man that was going to play with the kids and be friendly and outgoing and positive. D is not friendly to people he doesn't know(particularly my mom) and is just not playful with my kid at all, or his kid for that matter. It BOTHERS me so much. Not to mention he doesn't want L getting away with anything and wants her in time-out 24/7 and then tells me how I am not being that great of a parent, I don't know how to discipline and my child is out of control. She is SO not out of control, he just got lucky with his daughter I think, but my daughter is a happy child and not too out of control, and I discipline when she hits or does something completely ridiculous. She JUST got her big girl bed last night and she got up a couple times, D was sitting on the recliner "L, get back in to bed"..of course I went in there and comforted her, but he just is not at all on the same page with me with parenting at all..sigh. Then..the ever saga of the cleaning. My aunt was coming over last minute on tuesday and had called monday to tell me that. She was going to let in the furniture people for me since we would both be at work. Well The house was pretty messsy so I was cleaning like crazy on Monday night..while D sat in the recliner watching tv and lifting his feet to my vaccuming. Then I asked him to move a box of his shit pleaze and he didn't answeer so I asked again and he was like, no. So I told him I'd put it in the closet..it was pretty heavy, but I lifted it and put it in the closet..he came right behind me and said, no..and took the box back out to the counter. ugh. I asked why and he said that since L never listens he's sure she will get in to it. whatever. So then I ask if he would help me out a little since my aunt is coming over. no I don't feel like it. His attitude is terrible and I really don't think I'm asking all that much. So my aunt comes over, I get home from work and she had cleaned everything that I couldn't get to the night before..how embarrassing!! NOt to mention she picked up all of D's cigarette butts out in the yard. His reply to that is that the lawnmower picks them up! I still hate the look of them in the yard and even put a can out on the deck for his butts..there is one in there. I have aasked him a couple times to put them in there. He seriously is a worse listener than my daughter in my opinion. So I told him that last night when we were talking about Monday nights fight. He said he would try harder. Then today at lunch I asked if he would pick up the pile of cigarette butts my aunt had collected and he said yeah, I'll pick them up with the lawnmower just like all my other ones, and I said, so you aren't going to put them in the can? and he says no. UGH. I just am so sick of him being so childish. So I said you know you really don't need to live with me, it's not really working out. And he hung the phone up on me. So here we go again. sigh. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of the fighting, I am SICK of living with him and wish he'd move out. I KNOW i'd be happier without him living there. I just don't think he ever will. One time while fighting I suggested he move out and he said I would need to contact a lawyer and evict him then. Is that even possible? I hope it doesn't come to that, but i hate hate hate living with him. I love him as a person but can not stand living with him. Which is not going to work to say the least. I want to be with someone happier too..he's such a downer like 50% of the time. Maybe he is using drugs and I don't even know it, I'm pretty naive when it comes to that stuff..hm. Because sometimes he is great and happy and treats L and I with respect and then it's like the next he's a completely different person with mr. attitude, like a teenager almost I guess. Anyways, L LOVES her new bed and so do I..she got a bed, dresser, and night stand and a little coat rack to match too, it is awesome. She did so well besides being a little scared last night. I can't believe my baby is growing up, it was a little sad. Today I had another dr. appt. I swear I live there. They did a colp again with a repeat pap. Ugh. The little light they use for the colp wasn't working so they had to find another one, so I was laying there for about 10 minutes(which is a long time when you have that speculum thing in!). I am super crampy now today and even hitting the bumps while driving is so painful. He said that is all normal though, but it's still uncomfortable. On the plus side he told me that my cervix looks great and he thinks the hormones from the pregnancy are what caused the abnormal pap in the first place and that by my 6 week appt it should be a normal pap result. Yay. D doesn't even know I had this done today. Oh well. Next week I'm getting another ultrasound to check growth and I want my mom to come with me to see the baby. I'd rather have her there than D. that's sad. She was the one with me with my pregnancy with L. She went to lamaze with me and shopped with me and threw me my baby shower,and well, she can be pretty awesome. She was going through a divorce, after 32 years of marriage my dad just decided to take off, while I was pregnant and both of us surprisingly made it through. There was lots of crying going on the first 3 months of L's life..we all lived together and if it wasn't me it was my mom. What an emotional time in both of our lives. Anyways, I am at work and really wish I wasn't. I want to go home and start on the baby's nursery now that L's furniture came in I can really start organizing. I want to go home and sleep. I want to be anywhere but here and time seems to be moving backwards today.

good weekend

2008-07-11T09:50:00.003-04:00

The 4th of July weekend was just what we needed. It was so relaxing and just a wonderful 3 days. First of all, that whole insurance mess is finally cleared up and the old insurance guy mailed me my $50 back right away - he must have decided he wanted to get rid of me and quickly. So the new insurance place got in touch with the bank and all is well..phew. The whole Chris situation is still lingering, however, I am somewhat at peace with the whole thing. I guess the whole time I pretty much "knew" he should be paying child support, but I was always too afraid to actually do it, so on some level I am hoping that this is the right thing to have had happen. I still am scared, but will actually feel a weight off of my shoulders after this is completed..the only thing I am next worried about is that he will come after custody. I dont' think he is man enough to do such a thing, but he could have a strong girlfriend who wants to fight or something, you just never know. I just have to play the waiting game and see. So we went up north to my aunt and uncle's on the 4th and it was beautiful weather, D and his daughter came too. D actually socialized with my family and they all got to know him better, it was so great. And he actually had a fun time. I took quite a few pictures. He got to ride the jet ski and his daughter loved swimming and the jet ski also. We also went on the boat for a ride and that was nice too. His daughter had never been on a boat so that was cool. L had fun, however she was not acting herself. D's daughter was playing with my cousin's child and so they were playing and not really including L, she was pretty much a loner all weekend and didn't want to do anything they did. She didn't even swim due to an incident with my dad where she ended up under the water and it scared her, so she wouldn't go in except to get some sand. I think she still had a good weekend, but just was very independant. D's daughter also ran over L's head with a power wheels gator toy. I saw the whole thing, but was too far away to save her. The outcome could have been much worse, but all that happened is she got a couple scratches and a nice goose egg. As for me, I layed out in the sun, got burned pretty badly, swam a little, and just relaxed. It was nice having D there to help me keep an eye on L. My mom also came up so she let D and I go out for a bike ride while she watched the girls, it was nice. They had fireworks on the water in the evening so we all sat out on the deck and watched. We stayed the next day too and left around dinner time. Got home and took a long nap until 8pm! Then got up and went down to see the huge city fireworks. We didn't get home until 11:30ish. L loved the fireworks though even though they were a bit loud for her. Stacie even came with us so that was nice having her around again. Oh and we got an elephant ear, YUM. I'm taking L to another fair this weekend just so I can get another elephant ear. D and I have been getting along since the trip up north, we kind of fought the morning before we left, but we just left everything behind us and really enjoyed eachother up north. I am going to attempt to post some pictures on here even though I not a clue how to do so. This week we've been getting along pretty good too. I am an emotional wreck lately though, I get so offended so easily and I know it's the hormones but it's scaring me that I may end up with a severe case of ppd and I really do not want that to happen, but if it does, it does and I'll just accept it and get on some medication. The baby is doing well! I had an appointment yesterday to kind of go over my birth plan and talk about any concerns I have had. The midwife did not seem all that concerned over any of my issues. I Asked yet again about the stenosis with my heart and she said they are just interested in checking it again after I deliver and the fact that I've already given birth once is fantastic, also they told me they are thinking it is now called something like re-gerge-not sure on the spelling, but that it is very very mild. They did say i have a lot of complications this pregnancy, but they are all minor and nothing to worry about. PHEW. Baby is very active and likes to kick me pretty much all day and sometimes at night. Hey maybe this means she will sleep all night? ha ha. L didn't sleep through the night until 13 months, so we'll see. I am getting very excited to meet this little one. I've been having dreams about her and the whole L&D thing. She is still very nameless..I just don't know!!! Every name I like ends up I don't like it after a couple days. I wish I could just find the perfect name, but I'm not really stressing because I'm sure once she is born something will come to me. I get to see her again in 2 weeks for an ultrasound, i'm psyched for that! Not psyched for the re-colp and re-pap that I have next week though, but happy they are checking me since I keep wondering what all this cramping is, even though the midwife explained they are all normal feelings, I still worry! The house is finally getting there, and is slowly becoming clean. Our yard? A completely different story, I'm ashamed of what it looks like...the weeds are unbearable and my dad even lectured D last night about it. So then this morning D says we need to get the weedwacker from my mom this weekend, I'm glad he is finally realizing that this stuff NEEDS to get done! ugh! Before he was saying things like, well it doesn't bother me at all so what's the point? Great attitude he has huh? I keep telling him I'm scared he's not going to help out with the baby. We'll see. He says he will, but who really knows. That will be the true test I guess. Housework, he does OK. Not very persistant. In fact, I was telling my dad how he cleans, but only when he wants to and he will let things go for quite a while. My dad said his girlfriend is the same way so he's started to just let things go as well..good advice dad, thanks, haha. I also wanted to be like, yeah well when I was nineteen I also wanted to let things go like that. But I couldn't bring myself to comment and just said that we are in similar situations then. Well let's hope this weekend goes good. No plans at all planned except I intend to take L to the fair. Probably some swimming at my moms house. She has her boyfriend coming in to town tonight. He also went up north with her last weekend. They fight all the time, but I'm glad she has somebody to share life experiences with. That's all from me for now.

I don't even know where to begin

2008-07-02T14:33:00.002-04:00

Well I pretty much had a meltdown last night. I guess after reading you will see why, but ugh. Nothing is ever easy I suppose. This whole insurance thing with my house has been a huge mess. I got a couple letters in the mail yesterday and neither were good. The first was from the corporate office of my bank telling me that if I don't produce an insurance policy in 2 days they would assess a $2000 add on charge to my loan, which would up my payments and would provide their own insurance. yikes..This was my 3rd letter like this, except this was the final notice..in the past 3 weeks I have been hounding my insurance guy trying to get him to communicate with my bank. No luck. I took time off from work this morning and went to a different insurance agent which my parents go through and I do too for my vehicle and life insurace, so I know they are credible. Anyways, They contacted the bank for me this morning, well let me back up..first they told me they couldn't help me on such short notice, but then I started bawling in their office, of course followed by apologies because I'm pregnant and hormonal, so she finally said she would check again. I guess sometimes it helps to cry. they ended up helping me! They called the bank and made sure that they would not charge me this $2000 bullshit thing and then I paid them $334 for the whole year and am now insured for sure this time..phew. The other guy, well he said he would mail my back my $50 and not to worry. My dad called him and said what I have been trying to get him to do for 3 weeks, this other insurance company has now done for me in 15 minutes. I intend on following up and writing a letter to the insurance commision on this guy..he's messed with the wrong person. Even my new insurance agent wondered how this guy sleeps at night. He's not actually writing policies, just pocketing the money until something comes up like a fire or something. I still have not heard confirmation that this matter is finally taken care of, but hopefully soon! Next letter I opened last night was from the prosecutor's office and I'm now apparently suiting chris for child support. It happened behind my back since I had to apply for medicaid. Which was stupid to begin with since my work will not take me off of their insurance, therefore i am still paying over $200 a month to keep Lilly and I insured and Medicaid acts as a secondary insurance which picks up the co-pays or whatnot..but still. I understand their reasoning for going after the support, it's their job, the state wants their money, I get that all. What kills me is the fact that he is now back in my life after a few years. The fact that after all this time could he possibly get custody? Is the reason he tried contacting me before because he had gotten a letter regarding this? It all makes me very nauseous. I tried calling the child support specialist and they are on vacation until July 14th and the hearing or whatever is on the 17th. So i'm going to send in the paperwork they requested for now, but if I can somehow opt out of medicaid and make this all go away then I sure as hell am going to do that! If he was a good parent or even trying to make an effort this would be different and I would be more cooporative. But he is slime. He makes me very ill and just having his name pop up in my mailbox made it all very real and very scarey. Why I had sex with this creature is beyond my thinking and I really can't wrap my head around it all. After getting these 2 letters last night I decided to go to my mom's house..not to really see her, but just so that I could cry and not cry in front of D. So i took L and went to my mom's. At first my mom was pissed and pretty much just blamed me for all the bullshit and said I could have done things differently, ie, not gotten medicaid, etc. I WILL take L off of medicaid if it will make this all disappear, that's for sure. Anyway, then after I cried for a while she finally cooled off and helped me out with how to fix the whole insurance thing, which worked. I don't know how or why but my mom, no matter what, is always always always right. My mom also conveinantly works for the court system, but I am trying to sort all of that mess out on my own and see what happens. So I got back home from my mom's house and D was playing the computer still. The house is trashed. I just walked passed him and gave L a bath and got her ready for bed, put her to bed, then crashed on my bed without really talking to him. I noticed he fell asleep so I grabbed the remote and shut the tv off. One thing he does that really irritates me is he has to sleep with the tv on every single night and I put up with it, but usually have to reach across and get the remote and turn it off. He woke and said, give me the remote back, i asked if he was going to turn the tv on and he said yes, so I said, well then no. I'm sick of having the tv on all the time, it's loud and not to mention wastes electricity. So he turned over and in turning over he knocked his glass off the side table and I heard it shatter. He just laid there. So a minute later I asked if he was going to clean his mess up. no response. So I asked him again and he still just layed there pouting like a little baby. So I started ranting about how I hate living with him and I think he should move out, etc etc. Then I said I couldn't believe he wouldn't pick his mess up. and he said, why would i after what you just said? It's your house you clean it. So I got out of bed, grabbed a towel and turned the light on. He jumped up and turned the light off, and I said what are you doing I am cleaning my mess up. He got so pissed off, he took the fucking light bulb out of the light. So I grabbed a bag, all while crying, ugh I hate crying in front of guys, but told him I was taking off. I got L and I packed up and he grabbed my cell phone and keys and told me I wasn't going anywhere and to see how I like it( have no idea what he meant by that) but I was so angry!!! Anyway, by this time it was 11 and I was so exhausted and worn out from crying and not to mention I was very crampy and the stress was no good at all to my little baby. So he started talking to me more calmly and just asking what he does that is so horrible. I told him how I just hate living with him, we moved in too quickly and I really miss just being me and L. Not to mention all he does is watch tv and play video games. And he never goes anywhere with us. and then of course the money issue. I told him how if I have to buy a tire I can't just not turn in rent money for the month. Or if after I already pay them money I can't be like, oh well can I get $20 back cuz I need cigarettes(he's done both of these to me). ANd I said it's bullshit. Which it is! So he went to bed without saying anything else and I slept on the recliner, didn't go to sleep til after midnight and woke up with puffy eyes. I woke up once in the middle of the night and asked L what she was doing up...I saw her!! Then in the blink of an eye she was gone. I was hallucinating or something, it was very weird though!!! So that was my day yesterday. Today D has texted me on his break and lunch hour, but we haven't discussed last night..he asked if I meant what I said and I told him I didn't know, but what I do know is that I am not happy with the way things are. He said I should talk to him about it instead of just getting mad. HOw can I talk to him though when he never ever communicates with me? I dunno. The whole thing is just insane and half of me wonders if I blew up like that because of the whole chris thing. THe way I cried last night, stomache ache and all, was how I felt the whole pregnancy with L. Chris always gave me that stomache ache and it was back in full force last night. IT's the stomache ache where you are crying so hard it hurts. I hate it. I'm kind of at a loss right now at what to do with D. He has no where to go if I actually kicked him out so I hate to do that, but I'm not happy with the living arrangements. I got myself in to this mess though. I hope he will talk to me tonight and we can get something resolved. I really did not think that something like mail could set me off like it did, but wow, those were some heavy peices of mail I guess! to be continued I guess.

thoughts upon thoughts

2008-06-18T16:32:00.002-04:00

I was worried for nothing. Which seems to be the story of my life. Not that I'm complaining, but they had me so worried about this aortic stenosis and now today at my appointment told me that it's not cause for concern. Well couldn't they have called and told me this??? I dunno. So looks like this labor and delivery will be able to be natural like the last time. Baby is fine too, they monitored her and everything looks good and normal. yay. D can't get his cdl license now until 2010 because of his license being suspended a few years ago, so he is pretty depressed about that. Seems like he keeps getting dead ends with the job department. He was supposed to get a job with my dad's company but that is not happening either yet so who knows. I just want him to get a nice job, but here in MI that is almost next to impossible! grrr. His group of friends were over the other day and they didn't end up going to the shed, so I'm wondering if he talked to them? Hopefully! We've been doing pretty good now. Not much going on. The weather right now is freezing, it was 50 this morning and we had to get the coats back out. ugh. I just want summer to start!!! Oh we had a really bad thunderstorm this weekend and the house across the street had a tree land on it and it demolished the house!! We had gotten a brand new glass patio table from my aunt for the deck and it got shattered from the wind lifting it up and throwing it. I was upset since we had just gotten the table about 8 hours before the storm. My aunt went and bought us a new one though, so that was awesome. The storm also threw the gutter off my house too. They were saying tornado, but that never happened, I was so afraid. Glad that's over with! My insurance guy....sigh...I think he is Ridiculous!!!! The bank sent me a letter saying they need proof of insurance(on the house) and so I asked him to fax it to them, no big deal, WRONG. He STILL hasn't faxed it and it's been 2 weeks, then when I call him about it he says sometimes that happens and he will mail it. Nope, he never mailed it. Now he's saying he doesn't have a copy of the policy because it can take 30 days to get it? WTF? I want a copy of the damn policy!!!!! If I don't get a copy in the next couple weeks I'm changing insurance. Don't know how hard that is to do. Oh so he said he'd get me a letter for the bank to get them off my back. I just don't think I like this guy, he doesn't seem to be serious at all about his job. When I asked what I owed him he said, oh just throw me $50 for now, and I'll catch up with you later..who does that? Anyway, I am not sure what else to type about. I think I have writers block.

2008-06-11T14:30:00.002-04:00

Lots, but nothing, seems to be on my mind lately. I feel like a giant ball of anxiety, yet can't exactly pinpoint my fears. When I was younger it was much easier, I was afraid of everything. If I was playing outside and a jet flew overhead, I would run in the house and into the basement. I was scared of aliens coming to get me while I slept. Scared of fire, dogs, burgelors, thunderstorms, tornadoes, fireworks, death, yep, everything. I grew out of most of those fears, although I still am obsessive about keeping my doors locked at night. Mainly because of np, because I fear him and the obvious kidnapping scarey way of thinking thing. Now when older though, it is harder for me to determine what exactly it is I'm afraid of..except for the obvious np thing. I think right now what scares me the most is the unknown, and that is because I just sat here and pondered on what I actually am afraid of. Maybe that is why people believe in God? So that they can put all their fears on to someone/thing else and they themselves then do not have to worry. Seems like whenever I am troubled it is then I am like, oh yeah, God. I'm not very spiritual these days. God has always been a part of my life, but He comes and goes. I'm scared of not knowing what is up with my health right now. It's June already and I have to deliver this baby sometime in the next few months and that scares me too. I don't want to, I know that is stupid since there is no going back now, but I am still traumatized from the last L&D that I don't think I've gotten over it yet. Yes, I get flashbacks and yes, it was the worst torture of my life. Not saying I wouldn't go through it all again for little L, because I wouldn't in a flash, but it was no picnic. Now I have this heart condition, and I hate that. I am so scared. What if I don't live to see my babies grow? What if I die in a year or 5 or 10? or during childbirth? I want to see my kids live and not being able to do that, well, I guess I'd be dead so at that point I wouldn't care anymore, but right now it's a big fear. I guess if you dwell on death though then you can't really live so no point in it right now. I'm just afraid thaat my heart is now weakened forever. I can't wait for my appointment on June 18th so I can find out more information on this shit. I feel like I know nothing. besides the maybes of it all. At least I can say that my baby is perfectly healthy and it's me that isn't..that brings a peace to it all. I haven't been doing too much these days. Yesterday L and I stayed the night at my mom's house because D was painting and I did not want us around the fumes. I felt so rested this morning, must be because my mom was around to help out with L last night and I could semi relax. Np called me the other day..just saying that he wanted me to call him back. Actually it was a text message, but then after I didn't respond he then proceeded to call. I had my phone number changed. I don't care. I have nothing to say to him. It's been 3 years and whatever you may want/need, you can go through the courts now if you have something to say to me. Nothing you say will ever EVER get me to forgive you. I told D about it and he said I did the right thing. I wish D would just adopt L. It would make life so much simpler because then we could all have the same last name. D I hope is okay with me giving this new baby my last name. It makes the most senes since L has my last name and with school and everything it will just be easier. He and I are getting along, well, okay. We both get frusterated with the other pretty quickly it seems. Although his reasons are always so selfish and childish. He asked me to pick him up a milkshake the other night after church and I didn't because it was way past L's bedtime and she was cranky as all hell, well I got home and he was crabby and was just like, I wish you woulda brought me a milkshake. OMG I was livid. He was just sitting around playing video games while I had to go to church to see my friend get confirmed and it was HELL because L was a total nightmare. Not to mention it was about 100 degrees in there. I have to give him credit though, the other night I had such bad heart burn he went out to the store at 12am to get me some tums. And he painted the whole house. And he brings me stuff to drink when I'm laying on the couch. He does have a good side, it's just that the good things usually don't get talked about, unfortunately. He is sticking with me and it makes me happy. He is probably going to be getting a job at my dad's company, the one that np worked for until he got fired a couple months ago. He's working on getting his CDL right now so that he can get hired, I'm proud of him for working so hard to get a better paying job to help support his family. Here's to hoping. I also get annoyed when he has his friends/cousin over all the fucking time. His cousin Dan is the most annoying person in the world and he's at my house all the time. He's a loser too, no job, no nothing, besides a pest. But he's D's best friend so I tolerated it the first couple times. Now Dan is bringing more and more people with him every time and they are all stoners..they go out to the shed to smoke. The last time I told D it's not allowed on the premises and he still did it and disrespected my wishes, we fought. Then it happened again so I said, that's IT, the next time you are all out in the shed I will go out and make a big scene about it I do not even care. It hasn't happened since, well when I've been home. But I HATE when there are a ton of people in my house that I don't know. It's my house too and it's a FAMILY oriented house not some god damn Dorm room. I really am pissed off about the situation and I hope once I make a big scene about the pot smoke outside they will slowly stop coming over. It is not something that L should be around either, a bunch of potheads sitting around playing video games day in and day out. NO way is that going to happen. UGh. I will call the cops if it happens again after the next time. I wouldnt even hesitate. Anyways, I think I will be going out with co-workers this Friday hopefully for dinner and a movie. I need a sitter, but I'm working on that now. A night away will do me some good. Actually last night was nice not having to deal with D or any of that and just chilling at my mom's house. Just got off the phone with my mom and she agreed to watch L on Friday! woo hoo! She said she doesn't have a bf anymore so why not. Her boyfriend and her fight about as much as D and i , but they don't have a reason to try and hold it together so they break up frequently, I have a feeling they will be back together by Friday but by then it will be too late to tell me she can't babysit, or I guess she still might do that, I'm not going to hold my breath for a sitter I guess. Baby is sitting or kicking right on my bladder these days so I'm outta here to pee for the millionth time today!

aortic stenosis

2008-06-06T11:15:00.001-04:00

I got diagnosed with Aortic Stenosis this week. I have no idea really what it even is..just something with my heart. I have had a heart murmur since birth and it was never really an issue. I went to a specialist when I was about 6 and that was it..they said it was mild and that I could still play sports and do everything a normal kid can do. end of story. I had an echo done about 3 years ago only because I was having some chest pains and it came back fine..it's a weird murmur my dr. said, but still not harmful to me. Now I just had another echo a couple weeks ago because my ob recomended it to make sure I need to be hooked to an IV durning labor and delivery. Well the results came back and they say yes I for sure will need the IV of antibiotics and that I have something called Aortic Stenosis. He then proceeds to tell me that this is not good in pregnancy and that women that have this usually need a c-section or forceps for delivery because I am not supposed to push. ( or else I could die!? ) So then I proceeded to say, well I've had a normal delivery in the past and he was like, oh well that makes me feel a lot better, blah blah...I'm just like, yeah you are the one that delivered my first baby! Then he says he's going to talk to the cardiologist again and let them know that i have already had a natural child birth once. My next appointment is June 18th and he is supposed to be giving me more answers at that time, so he better! I am a little freaked out.. Oh then just before I was going to leave he's like, this is a fatal thing, about 1/4 survival rate!! oh geez, thanks doc. SO I'm a bit freaked out and can't wait to just get more results. He also said something about valve replacement surgery and some ultrasound where they would need to knock me out for it cuz they go in through your mouth or something. I think I'd get a second opinion before doing anything like that! I've come to the realization that if anything can go wrong this time around, it's going to. Things with D are about the same. We fight, then we are okay again, then we fight and are okay again. It was never like this prepregnancy so who knows. I'm chalking it up to my being pregnant right now. Sometimes I feel like he just doesn't respect me enough though..maybe I do deserve better? I don't know. my feelings and emotions are so mixed and I honestly don't know how i feel right now. I hope that when the baby gets here he actually helps me out a little more..I'm sure that will be the determining factor of this relationship. The money thing is a huge strain on us right now. I knew going in to this that he didn't have a lot of money though so I should just shut up about it, but it's hard sometimes. His daughter just turned 6 so this weekend we are having cupcakes at our house with his aunt and uncle coming over. I'm going to buy a blow up pool too so that the girls can swim a little bit, it's going to be 90 this weekend so we need to be prepared. thank goodness for Central air...ahhhhhhh. Well, time to get back to work!

It's a new day

2008-05-23T09:46:00.002-04:00

Things seem to be going better. Not sure where I left off on the last post, but things are going good these days, at least with d. I know I ranted a bit about him in the last post. He's getting it together(maybe). We've been talking a lot. I realized quite a bit too. Like, how I haven't lived with anyone since having L, so it's kinda weird having him there now. And in my house when I was growing up my dad did everything! He cooked, cleaned, took us to school, picked us up, worked part time and still made more moolah than my mom, laundry, etc...My mom always said that they had an agreement that she would take care of the kids for the first year of our lives and then he gets them the rest of the time..I think that's total bullshit and just her excuse for why he did everything. She didn't even know how to pump her own gas until the divorce 3 years ago. She was totally reliant on my father. She did do some stuff, I can't give her no credit, but just in a nutshell when looking back, I see my father as doing most everything. Therefore, that sucks for whatever guy wants to be in my life because what am I going to expect from them? Um, everything! I didn't explain this all to D yet, but I intend to tell him that story of my childhood so then maybe he will get it more..I'm going to try and help and give my help the best that I can now that i've pinpointed the problem, because I will not use my parent's mistakes as my excuses in life that's for damn sure. After talking to d some more though I think he realized that he needs to help out more too and kind of do his share..we are both the adults and he is not a child that I am going to clean up after, etc. He has A this weekend and that makes me so stressed..not b/c of her, but b/c we ALWAYS fight when she is in town and she is staying until Monday. So I am trying my hardest to plan stuff to do all weekend so that we have no time to fight and the weekend kind of just goes by and we have a nice time. We'll see. A war could be in the future though. Tonight I plan on taking the kids to go and buy some play-doh so that will be fun i hope. Then perhaps grab something for dinner. Tomorrow I'm planning on taking them to the zoo( with D too of course). Then I'm hopefully going out with Stacie in the evening while d watches the kids. I needed at least a couple hours away from the house so I don't go too nutso. My mom is outta town all weekend so no escaping to her house this time. Then Sunday we are going to have a bbq and we have a couple friends coming over for that! So that will be nice and relaxing hopefully..so Saturday we will go and buy the stuff for that as well. Hm. Then Sunday night I have nothing, (uh-0h), need to plan something otherwise this is when the fight will happen. Monday no plans either besides driving A home. she lives about 25 minutes away. It's supposed to thunderstorm on Monday anyways. I really need new bras so maybe I will try and go out shopping on Sunday? I told D that if he wants to go out on Fri or Sun night since I'm getting to go out on Sat, then he can. So not sure, but he mentioned going fishing on Saturday morning, but that isn't at night and I'd much rather watch the kids at night when it's close to bed, like he will be, other than watch them for hours and hours in the am, ya know? Oh well! This could cause a fight also, haha, can you tell I'm paranoid about having a fight? I wish I didn't have to worry about this or that this wasn't an issue! ugh! So, I have stomache issues majorly this week. It all started on I think it was Tues or Wed? I had horrid lower back pain, which i've had for weeks now, but then add on, chills, cramping in the front, and achey and I thought it could be my kidneys. So I went to the doc and they said that it was nothing pregnancy related after they tapped on my back and did a full cervical check to make sure of no preterm labor. So that was a sigh of relief. said it was probably just a virus going around. That night I was bed ridden just felt like ass basically. Then in the morning it started again, I thought it was morning sickness, I was puking as well as stuff coming out of the other end as well. yuck. Now it's Friday and I still am having the same issue, just not puking so much. Not sure if I should call the dr yet or not? I am guessing it's just some sort of virus though so probably not anything to get too concerned about. Except I have no appetite and don't want to eat food because of how my stomache will feel. So I've been living off of smoothies, slurpees, kool-aid and juicy juice. I really want some popsicles. I must say that the day I left work early to go to the doc, D gets out of work at 3pm, so he took care of me. He went out and bought me some soup at this wonderful soup restaurant and then to the store to get me tylenol since all we had was motrin and apparently that is a no no while prego. So he was being wonderful with me. He's a great guy and i really shouldn't bitch so much. I blame the pregnancy though because we were not fighting this much pre-pregnancy, however, we only knew eachother like 3 or 4 months before I got pregnant so not sure if that says anything either. Oh well, I'm not going to read in to it and I still have hope that all will work out. So far so good is all I keep saying. Not sure if I ever mentioned that he got me a ring. It's not an engagement ring, but a white gold ring with an emerald in the middle of a couple diamonds, it's really pretty. I asked if it was a promise ring and he said sure, it can be, haha, so not sure what that means, but promise rings are pretty much bullshit anyways. That reminds me, Lilly said bullshit the other day in the same context as I would say it, I was laughing hysterically at her and so now that she got the good reaction she tends to say it more than she should! Oooops. I need to stop swearing in front of her, but it's so hard. I'll just have to teach her what is right to say and what is wrong, even if mommy sometimes slips and says it. When I was throwing up the other morning she came in and asked if I would like some water. It was so adorable to see her being so sensitive to me being sick. I have never seen her like that! She's really turning in to a person! I need to start getting baby things ready for the new baby, I'm starting to want to nest I think, I'm making checklists in my head of things I need to do/get still, hahhaa..the joys of being a woman.

letting it out

2008-05-16T14:33:00.002-04:00

Things are pretty blah today. Things with D have not been very good. We seem to be 2 opposite people trying to live together for the sake of this baby, and I hate saying that and even backspaced over that line once but re-wrote it. I just don't think we are going to make it. I'm trying to stay positive and would give everything in my power to be a happy family and stable. It's just too much pulling on my end. I feel like I am trying to control everything with him, and no that is not fair, but if I was with somebody I was compatible with then I wouldn't need to be so pushy, bossy, bitchy, what have you. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones, but I feel so depressed. He makes me depressed is what I say. Not to him, but in my mind. I desperately miss my life when it was just L and I. However, when it was just L and I, I was so lonely and thought I needed someone else. I don't think I did. I liked being single(now that I'm not). Doesn't make sense does it? I really feel like I screwed things up for myself. Not the baby. I don't resent the baby (anymore) but with D. I shouldn't have invited him in to my life. I should have known better. He's so loyal and a really good guy. Just not someone I can live with! He is so messy and I hate having to clean up after him. I enjoyed cleaning my house when it was just L and me. Now I despise it and just bitch and complain everytime I have to clean after him. He doesn't dust, clean counters or pick up clothes. I've seen him vacuum and do dishes, but even when he does the dishes and there is food in the sink or garbage he just leaves it all in it. Garbage. He leaves garbage everywhere! Whether wrappers, plates and forks(dirty), popcans. Omg I just am fed up. I'm not the type of person that is just going to shut up about it either. I haven't told him any of these frusterations and I'm afraid I will burst. Oh and he tracked mud in the house and didn't wipe the floor. It kills me even typing this out. I know it's probably not that big of a deal, but to me, right now with being preg. , it is a huge deal. The next big thing I despise is the whole money issue. He has taken responsibility in that he's giving me some money out of his paychecks each week, but he's not telling me what it's going towards at all. He just wasted like $40 on a remote control helicoptor and is talking about buying another one. He owes me money yet he's wasting his on mindless bullshit. He said he wants to get his daughter a power wheels for $200 for her 6th birthday. wtf. Don't these things have age limits. What 6yr old would want one of these? And why not get her something else more practical and wait a year so that we can get on our feet to get her something more expensive. But heaven forbid I say anything to him about it because it's his daughter and I shouldn't get involved, i suppose, or so he says. I bring up money and he mumbles his way out of the conversation. I'm not going to continue living with this person if he doesn't talk to me or do things my way I guess. I guess I will have to kick him out and try and manage 2 kiddos on my own. that scares me to death. I feel like I almost need him in order to survive. I don't really do anything with my life and that is also something else that is depressing. I go to work, I eat and I sleep. It's not good for me, I know this, yet how can I possibly change things? By the time I get out of work and get L fed, it is then bathtime for L and then bedtime and then I'm too exhausted to do anything else so I crash myself. It's not healthy but there is nothing left to do. I hate working til 5 now, it give me no time to even unwind after work, it's constantly go go go and then I crash and D is getting pissed at me because I'm not in the mood to do anything and all I do is want to sleep. He also gets moody and so if he's in a bad mood I am not going to be miss sunshine for his ass. ugh. Between work and my boss' retirement party I have an hour to myself, I'm going to the park to take a walk, alone. I need it. I need some serious soul searching done. I need to process all of these thoughts and figure out what I want and need for me. I can't lose myself. I won't do that again. I did with Chris and it wasn't until I was 2 months away from the relationship that I even knew and realized that I was lost. That's what is scaring me. What if the same thing has happened already? Chris really fucked me up though so maybe I'm just not letting my guard down yet out of fear. I just want to figure things all out and I honestly don't know if that's going to happen. I hope the weekend gives me some rest.

Reflections on 26

2008-05-14T12:04:00.002-04:00

Well let's see, I'm trying to think of things I accomplished last year. I moved out of my mother's house (yay!) and got settled in to my new apartment with L. I lost about 20+ lbs with a combonation of a strict diet and exercising at night after putting L to sleep. My friend Tina got married and I met D at her wedding. After being single for 2+years it was nice having someone there again. I got pregnant in December. Gained about 20lbs back now. and moved in to my new house with D and L. At least the weight will come off again and it's a little blessing the reason for my weight gain. But I would say I had a pretty damn good 26. I turned 27 yesterday and couldn't be happier! I had a very wonderful birthday. My dad came over after work and took me, L and D out to dinner at a steakhouse so that was good! He(my dad) brought me flowers in 2 pots for outside for my Mother's Day present and then a check for my birthday present, yay dad! Dinner was nice and then afterward Stacie came over and brought me a cake and a gift card to my favorite restaurant! Stacie and I are slowly reconnecting again and trying to keep the friendship in tact. I don't want to lose her, she's my only friend and she is a GREAT friend. She went to pick up our friend Mark from the airport last night. He goes to school at Gonzaga in Washington so it will be nice to have him home for the summer. Stacie didn't stay over too long and then I put L to sleep around 8:30 and went right to bed myself..so nothing too exciting but it was a special day. D got mad at me before bed because I wouldn't sleep with him. Heaven forbid I am tired and my back is killing me and it's not going to put me in the mood when you ask permission to do it. So he was pouting and I fell asleep. I don't care anymore. I guess my b-day could have ended a bit better, but oh well, no complaints. Today he just said that I get mad if he doesn't ask permission so he's not sure what he's supposed to do. Well, I wish I could have had the guts to say, just leave me the hell alone, but I just said well why don't we just comprimise. And I left it at that. He's grumpy though I know that much. He spilled something on the sheets I had just washed over the weekend and he hasn't rewashed them yet, i'm wondering how long it's going to take. I fear it is chocolate milk and is going to stink, but I refuse to rewash them when I just did it. he can do it. i'm just sick of being pregnant already I realized. I hate how he thinks pregnancy is like a walk in the park and I still should be able to do everything that I was before. Maybe I'm getting too dependant on him? But I hate cleaning up after him and so I have to ask him to do things all the time I feel like. I feel like if I don't then it won't get done. and I'm not about to clean up his mess. ugh. Ok I kind of went off on a tangent for a minute there but I'm just frusterated with the living situation right now I think. It's an adjustment to say the least. This Friday is my Boss' retirement party so my mom I think is going to babysit. Oh we are going to my mom's house tonight also to get my birthday present and so she can see L. So the retirement party is at 6PM so I'm just going to stay around work since it's at a restaurant near work. So my mom will pick L up from daycare. Then Saturday is buying flowers day and also helping mom out with the garage sale day. Saturday night I think D is having his aunt and uncle over to see the new place and we are grilling hotdogs so that will be nice. I have a jam packed weekend already it feels like. That rarely happens. We are moving at work. We are now moving upstairs to the new area and I couldn't be happier. Maybe we will actually have windows and this job won't feel like a prison. I'm pretty sure I will still be in a cubicle but at least if I stand up maybe I can see out a window! I'm just excited about a change I guess and having something new to look forward to. A new home.

Goodbye Murfy.

2008-05-12T10:58:00.002-04:00

My mom had my dog put to sleep on the 8th and I was less than thrilled. I understand that the dog was puking and shitting all over the house, but she didn't even let a vet examine her, she just took her to the animal control and had her put down. I got this yorkie when I was 14 and she was the loyalest, bestest dog in the world. I guess I could have taken the dog, but I was selfish and didn't want her puking and shitting all over my house either, so I didn't stop my mom from doing it. Now L is looking for her and asking for her and it's so sad. I just told her that she went bye-bye and is in heaven now. ugh. It's weird when a pet goes. It's sad like a part of your life is now gone. Definitely not as heavy as when a close human goes, but still a loss and it sucks. This weekend was very eventful and very wonderful. Minus the fights that D and I got in to. Main one being, he had A this weekend. Seems like everytime she is in we fight. Not saying I blame her, but our fights always happen when she is in and then as soon as she is gone we are back to normal again. What is up with that!? She's 5 and is a sweetheart, just a normal 5 year old that asks a billion questions and is always in your face, but she's sweet at least. D left me alone with her and L while he was in the bedroom sleeping and then watching tv. I wouldn't of minded but then the hours past and I had been up with them since 7am and going a bit nutty. Then the longer he left me with them the more angry I got. He never lets me sleep in, let alone watch tv in the bedroom while he tends to L. Never. So I got pissed. I went in the bedroom and told him I was taking L and we were going out for a bit. He asked why and I said, because you can go take care of your daughter for awhile, weekends are your time with her, I'm not going to sit and handle both of them while you are in here doing whatever when you never give me that type of a break. He thinks his daughter is completely self sufficient so whenever I say stuff like help me or something he always says, she can do that on her own ,or she is fine by herself..but what he doesn't get is that I have the both of them and she acts completely different around me than around him. Around me she acts more like a kid and around him she is just very obedient and of course he sees her being some self sufficient person because that's how she is around him because that's how he wants her to be. Ugh..it all pisses me off and he doesn't realize that she just needs his presense and doesn't need to be pawned off on his girlfriend! ok rant over. Oh but one other thing. So L and I took off and went to the store and then to my mom's house for the afternoon and he didn't talk to me all day, then came home at around 7pm with no A. I asked where she was and he said she was spending the night at his aunt's house(his previous residence before moving in with us). I felt kinda bad then, as if it was my fault that he didn't have her come back, but he assured me that she wanted to stay there. For some reason I feel like he is not very close with his daughter, and that makes me sad. I wish they had a better relationship..sometimes it seems like his relationship with L is better than his relationship with A. Ok anyway, so I got things all ready for the garage sale my mom is having this weekend! wahoo, some extra cash headed my way! and some shit cleared outta my house too. I feel so much better. I got the nursery all cleaned out on Saturday while D was mia. Now it is a toyroom for L and I seriously have no clue where I will put L's toys once this new baby arrives! But L's room and baby's room are clean, that is all that matters, and I feel like my house is finally in order - except for the outside. This weekend between garage sale, D and I are going to the greenhouse to buy some flowers so I can plant my flower garden finally, I have been looking forward to this for so long!! I can't wait! The weather here really sucks, it rained all day yesterday and was freezing. I did have a lovely Mother's Day though!!! I woke up Sunday still disgruntled with D from our fight the day before. He got up around 9 and came out and kissed me on the cheeek and said Happy Mother's Day. wow he remembered, I was impressed! Then he told me that he was taking the pop cans back and L really wanted to go so they went and I got to take a shower kid-free so that was wonderful in itself. Anyone that has kids would understand the greatness of taking a kid-free shower! Then I could clean up the house a bit and lay down just intime for L to come barging in saying over and over, "Happy Mother's Day!" she was carrying this huge Lily! It was beautiful! Then D gave me a hug and showed me the pink rose he was holding behind his back for me. Awe, what a sweetheart! Later that day we went to his sister's farm with A and L and L loved seeing all of the cows and chickens. Then D stopped at the store quick and bought some flowers, which I thought might be for A's mom or maybe his aunt, he wouldn't say. So then we get to the cemetary. I didn't realize where his mom was buried as I had never been there with him, so it was quite emotional and I saw on the grave that she was born in 1958 which is 3 years younger than my own mother. He really has not fully coped from the loss of his mother and it's hard for me to even know what to do or say. At first he asked if I was coming out of the car and I just shook my head no. I thought maybe he would want to say a few words to her. Then I got out of the car and went and checked it out quick and then back to the car. It was sweet to see all the men at the cemetary visiting lost loved ones. I felt special that D included me with the visit to his mother, I wish I could have met this lady. She died in 2003. After his sister's house we went to my mom's house and ate dinner, which is a big deal because D never comes to my mom's house or wants to visit with my family, but I guess he is starting to come around a little bit because he came this time! woo hoo! We got things ready for the garage sale and then left my mom's house. I gave L a bath and got her in bed by 8:30 and then we watched the movie Arachnaphobia! It was a good movie, it's old but I hadn't seen it before and got it through my netflix account. So all in all it was a great Mother's Day and I couldn't have asked for better people to spend it with. D does things to piss me off, but he always more than makes up for it somehow..is that good or bad? Right now I'm happy though so that's all that matters right? Baby is sitting directly on my bladder I do believe and my lower back is just killin me! But I'm managing. I don't even want to walk though even though I know it's whats best. Lunch time so I gotta go!

this and that

2008-05-06T12:37:00.002-04:00

I am finally feeling more settled in the new house. It still doesn't feel like mine yet, I feel like I'm staying at someone else's place. The nursery is now jam packed with stuff that we didn't have a home for and it's driving me nuts, it's not a storage closet, it's a baby's room! Luckily we have about 4 months to get that all situated. I also would love to get some lawn type furniture for out on the deck. That way, my pregnant butt can sit outside this summer! Things with D are going better than you would expect. We are getting along so much better now and starting to get a rhythm down, which I'm loving. No fights in a while either so that makes for a very happy stress-free home. I got to hear the baby's heartbeat today so that was nice. I had to make an unexpected trip to the ob, and I'll just leave it at that. Nothing too serious so that is wonderful news! My mom is having a garage sale in a couple of weeks so I need to get things ready for that. I have been marking up a bunch of junk that I just don't want or need anymore, hopefully I can score some good monies! The pregnancy itself is going pretty smooth. I get some sharp cramps every so often, but nothing too serious, just enough for me to know they are there. I also get the leg cramps now too, I got those when I was prego with L too and they are no fun! I have been limping around the office because these cramps just will not go away. Work has been shitty. I hate my work life and am SO ready to be the hell out of this place and never return! Unfortunately though, I am stuck here until hell freezes over, well no, I will be searching desperately while I'm on maternity leave. Stacie still has been so cold with me. She doesn't like D and is not afraid to tell me so. It's really putting a strain on our friendship and therefore it feels like I have no friends these days. It sucks and I wish she could just shut up and still be my friend and just accept D for who he is. He is really being wonderful though! He's done a complete 360 and is stepping up to the plate about everything, it's awesome and I am loving it so much. I never thought I would find happines, but here it is right in front of my face. I'm happy. Honestly. The only thing that saddens me right now is the fact that Stacie and I are on the outs, but I'm trying to just think of it on her side. She is alone and not even in a relationship and here I am happy with 2 kids. She has wanted kids since I have known her and there has to be a little jealousy there. Hopefully she will get over it and just be happy for me for once. We'll see. I do complain about D, so I'm going to try and stop that with Stacie because then she only hears the negative things, when there really is a lot of positives. My cousin Alan got married this past weekend so D and I went there for it. It was so nice to just have a night away from L and have some adult time! I enjoyed myself. My dad and his girlfriend were all over eachother and it was quite discusting, also they were doing their ballroom dancing on the dance floor and making a spotlight for themselves. It was gross and I really can not stand her. My grandma is not too happy about them being together either. It's just messed up. She told me she thought it was ignorant for them to be all over eachother like that and pretty much flaunting their relationship. I know I'm going to have to get used to her, but I know I will never like her. We are just too opposite. I can tell that my dad is turning in to her also now which is quite annoying. I just want my old dad back, but I know he is gone. Actually my old mom is gone too. She is going out on a date on Weds with a new guy. She's been dating the same guy now for a while and is going to go out with some other guy behind his back. It's the first guy she dated after the divorce, he dumped her and is now coming back around. Ugh, I liked the guy she is with now! and now she is going to go and mess it all up. Hopefully it all works out for the best, I know I can't control my parent's lives. L had strept throat! I took her in Sunday morning and sure enough the test came back positive. She is acting fine though and is doing so much better, but awe, I was so sad that my baby had that. Mother's Day is this weekend. I have no plans yet, but something better get planned. Let's see..that's about all my jumbled thoughts for the day I suppose..not much to report, but once I get typing I seem to not be able to stop, thoughts just keep coming to me! Oh the chirpractor! I love him so! I'm going again tonight! But I must say that it is really helping the migraines...he is awesome! ok that's it!

girl girl girl girl girl

2008-04-25T16:39:00.001-04:00

I found out on Weds that this mystery baby is a girl! Awe! I am so thrilled, my motherly guy was telling me it was a girl and I was right! With L, I thought the whole time that she was a he, and I was wrong, so I think the theory about motherly intuition is kinda bullshit. Anyway, I am excited. I never had the opportunity to have a sister and here now L gets to have a sister, how wonderful. A brother would have been wonderful too, but I just don't have the greatest connection with my own brother myself. So who knows. I just know I'm happy. D on the other hand, is depressed. He wants to have another kid right away after this one now. I just smile and say you are crazy. Yeah right! One day he will have his boy, I want lots of children and I want them with him, but not right away after this one. We are not financially stable enough! Anyway, we move this weekend. Starting tomorrow! I'm nervous. We are going to go to Home Depot tonight to look at paint for the bedrooms, then finish packing up the apartment to get it all ready for tomorrow. D's uncle has a big truck we are going to use. I got my address changed now on everything I hope..Just nervous that I won't receive my stimulus rebate check from the gov't because of moving, but we'll see. That will be nice. D has been really great lately. Helping me so much with the move, he painted the whole living room already. cool. He's just really stepping up to the plate here and it's odd. He came with me to the ultrasound, which was a wonderment in itself. Not that he wouldn't do that, but it was just weird. With L I had my mom with me and who knows where the father was at. Probably wasted in the bar. It was just nice to say the least to have D a part of it. Even though he was disappointed and asked the Dr if he could put a penis on the kid..the Dr didn't laugh or react to that at all. poor D. D's ex wife knows we are pregnant too now. I guess D's daughter told her, which is odd because we didn't not tell his daughter yet that I'm pregnant, so she must of just figured it out on her own. weird. Or we said something about the baby, she never even asked us about it though. I find that odd. His ex doesn't seem to care though so that is good..the less drama the better in my opinion. She just said congrats apparently. Well, work is almost closing for the day so I better end this now....

feelin' fine.

2008-04-21T15:51:00.002-04:00

Today I feel good. I am relaxed and feel at peace. I have no idea why or how since the past few months I have felt like one giant ball of anxiety. But today I am feeling terrific. I am treasuring this moment. I got the keys to my new house today. I am more than excited! A little scared too, but mainly excited. This weekend we got a ton of packing done so that is good. Just have a few necessities to pack up yet. It's really happening. My mom is paying to have our new carpets cleaned so the carpet guy comes on Wednesday. I need to get my address changed with the post office. Tonight we are going over to start cleaning, washing walls, scrubbing cupboards and toilets :) should be fun! Then this weekend will be moving day - how very exciting. I am happy we are getting to move in a bit early, therefore the transistion for L should be a little easier. Not to mention for me too, I am leary of change. I am also leary of having D move in with us, but we will just do it and go from there. It's like I'm his landlord anyways so I can always kick him out later if need be. We are getting along okay right now. Better than before. I feel calm with him. I don't feel so much hatred like I did with Chris. I hated Chris. We knew we were not going to last. With D, I feel like there is hope, like maybe things won't get fucked up. He is not a fighter so that is good too. He is so laid back and will always just leave if I start getting too stupid. He has helped me to calm down some too and realize that I don't need to start stupid little fights all the time. Choose your battles. Or so I've heard. I have to jump through so many hoops to get my FMLA all set up through work. They didn't tell me that I needed to get paperwork in within 15 days of our phone call, what BS. It's almost as if my work likes to screw me over. I hate working here. Anyways, I should have it all filled out within 15 days. I wish I knew more about FMLA and short term disability and all that crap because I feel so blind going in to this. Oh well heres hoping that my hr guy will inform me, but yeah right. Other than that, smooth sailing right? The baby is really moving around a lot these days. I have an appetite again. A big one. and we find out what we are having on Wednesday! 2 more days! at 2:00. I am really looking forward to it. I'm nervous. D is going to pick me up from work and then we are gonna go. It's weird saying "we" this time around. Last time I didn't have the support of someone. Last time I moved I was 9 months pregnant and alone. It brings tears to my eyes to know that I have someone this time and know that they are excited. I really appreciate him so much more than I probably would if I would of had somebody last time. He doesn't even realize that his mere presence means the world to me. He doesn't realize that the little things he does like even touching my belly means the world to me. He doesn't realize that when he talks about the future of us and our family means the world to me. It chokes me up to have a somebody this time around. I know I bitch about him a lot, but I really do love him and am so grateful to have him in our lives. I'm sure there will be more bitching to come, since I am a woman, but this is my outlet for the bitching. At least if I do it here I won't(maybe) do it at home. I just feel so good right now, I never want this feeling to leave me. It's a feeling of relaxation like everything is going to be allright. Maybe it's because I got the keys to the new house today. It's the greatest feeling. I just want to jump up and down, of course doing that would probably give me cramps. Stacie will probably come over tonight to help clean. I hope so. I miss her. 50 more minutes and I'll be out of work and to the new house to clean. I can't wait. L seems excited about the new place, I can't wait to show her her new room that she's been so geeked up about! I just bought a mobile home and yet for some reason, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world today.

spinning thoughts

2008-04-17T09:58:00.002-04:00

My belly is really getting huge. I am so surprised how big I look already! My boobs are also enoromous. I am so desperate for a bigger bra, the ones I have are just not working! There is nothing really going on right now. D and I still fight non-stop it seems like. It really sucks. He just always seems to tell me how ignorant I am or why am I being like that and all I do is bitch and complain. I'm SICK of hearing that everyday..it's not good for me. And the other night I could tell he had smoked and when I called him on it he lied to me. I know when he has smoked. Not that it even bothered me because i know it's hard to quit, but why did he have to lie to me, that was my biggest fear. How am I supposed to trust him when he's lying to me? Anyway, then last night my aunt called last minute and invited L and I over for dinner, so we went right there after work. Well, I didn't know D was even at my house and apparently waiting for me to get home. So when we did get home he was in a bad mood cuz he hadn't eaten dinner and was waiting 2 hours for us. ugh. I can't help it that his phone still is disconnected because he'd rather buy surround sound speakers than pay his damn bill. I'm not complaining about the speakers because I think they are cool, but c'mon! We need money for this baby and for our new house and we really can't be wasting it on stuff for ourselves..I wish he knew how to save money, but nope, if he has $10 he spends it..if he has $100 it's gone. I HATE it! I don't know what I can do or say to change that. I told him he needs to start giving me some money, but he doesn't say ANYTHING. I just don't know how this is going to work, him and I. I just don't see it working. He's a good guy and means well, but I just don't think we can get along seriously. We fight too much and it's not good for either of us to be miserable. I am miserable. There I said it. I just feel like shit half the time when he's not in a good mood, it puts me in a bad mood. I miss my life before D came along..things were smooth and going along fine..now BAM! I'm strapped down with 2 kids and now a guy who is a kid himself, why should I even put up with it??? I shouldn't and won't. I'm done playing stupid bullshit games and done done done. I'm just ranting right now, I'm sure this is not how I will feel tomorrow or even 2 hours from now. It's just all really starting to piss me off and I wish there was a way to change it. I wish I hadn't fallen for this one. It's so stupid to wish though. It's not as though I can turn back the hands of time. Another baby is coming and all everyone keeps saying is how hard this is going to be and I don't know HOW you are going to do it. It's really pissing me off, it's like, Come on, give me some fucking credit. I realize 2 is not 1, but can we not sit there and say how horrible of a time it is going to be for me please!?! I really can't move in to this new house without D's help, that is the only thing that sucks. The other thing that sucks is that I'd like to be with someone when this baby is born and there is no one else in the picture, or even close. So it's not as though I can just move on to someone else. I know that sounds as though I'm setteling..and I probably am. I just don't want to be single again in the first couple years of the baby's life. I have played that game. D could be of help, but he could also be a nuisance and that is the scarey part. He is not showing me ANY responsibilty. He's not showing me that he can do this. Instead he's being a whiney baby and making it more difficult on me. I know I am hormonal and probably not creating the best atmosphere for him either. I can be a real bitch right now for no good reason. But he has a 5 yr old and was with his ex until she was 2 years old. he SHOULD know what it is like to be around a prego woman. But he doesn't. He doesn't understand me or any of it. I feel like I am so alone. We barely talk. I feel Like I'm in a rotten marriage already, we just both kinda float by the other until it comes time for bed and then he wants something from me. Well yeah right, I'm not about to give it to him! Fuck that! ok I really need to stop, I just have a lot of stored up anger inside me about all this bullshit. I hate being a single mom, but I hate being with him sometimes too. It's not healthy for me. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do at this point. Just roll with it? I have no fucking clue. We are going to my aunt's again for dinner tonight but I didn't let D know that. When would I of. He barely said 2 words to me last night(except when he told me I was ignorant) then he slept on the couch. Yes, I'm a bitch, but WHY am I a bitch is the question? Is it because he's difficult to live with..because I know if I was happy with him I would not be acting the way I was. I dunno..it's all so complicated and i just really would like to get away for a couple days..ALONE! Yeah right though. When the hell would that opportunity ever strike. I guess I could take L with me, that could be fun. or disaster. I can barely handle her from after work until bedtime. She just likes to constantly get in to trouble. I can't take my eyes off of her for 2 minutes or else she is tipping the garbage can over, throwing things in the toilet, dumping a box of cookies all over the floor, throwing stuff all over the place..yes, I live with a tornado from hell. I honestly go nutso from about 5:30 until we are peacefully reading books in her room around 8pm. I love 8:00..Weekends are better because we are both well rested so we are pretty laid back on the weekends at least.

good news

2008-04-14T14:15:00.002-04:00

My Colpo went fine. The Dr. neglected to inform me that they would not be doing the invasive test since I am prego. So they just looked at my cervix under the light and did not find any white spots, which is so great news and a big sigh of relief. So it went well! Now I just have to have a re-pap in July and they will look at the cervix under the light again too. so phew....I was really scared! Next Weds I find out the baby's sex! I can't wait! I wonder what I'm having!!! I want another girl, I think that would be sweet, but I know D wants a boy and it would be great to give him his boy too. We'll see. I can now breathe and relax, I was really worried about the damn colp. grrrr. I'm so happy it's overwith! D and I were fighting pretty bad this weekend. I don't know why I have to open my fat mouth sometimes. I said some things that I now regret..something along the lines of..that is not being a father. re: how he handled something with his daughter. I regret saying that. He's a good father, it just worries me that A is so scared of him and is afraid to even ask him things half the time..makes me wonder what he's done to her in the past. Saturday night she was up coughing at about 1:30 AM and it woke me up so i asked D to go check on her and maybe get her some water. His reply was..if you are so concerned you go check on her. UGH. So I just rolled over. The coughing continues. He then yells out to her..A, quit coughing! I can tell you are faking!..I was so pissed. At that point the coughing subsides but I could tell that she was trying not to cough so that it wouldn't piss her dad off. I wanted to cry. I then got up to pee, came back and told him forget it, I don't want to live with you, If this is how you are going to be with our child then it's not worth it, I can do this on my own, etc, etc. By 8am they were gone. He's the type that just leaves and let's us both cool down. I was pissed though! I still am! I think it's complete bullshit that he would make his 5yr old sit out there alone and not even go comfort her. :( Last night he came over to discuss 'us' and he brought it up that what happens between him and A his none of my business. Ugh..I just said I resented that and threw it in his face that was happens with L and I then is none of his business either! How insensitive can you possibly be? I just don't see us comprimising at ALL here. I honestly don't know what the end result will be but I honestly DO want to work it out and try and be together, and HAPPY damnit. He told me last night that he was done with me, but I emailed this morning apologizing so hopefully tonight things will be better. I hope so anyway. I detest fighting and don't want to be that kind of couple. I won't be. I don't need my kids growing up in that type of environment. So we'll see. I know I was stressed all weekend about this colp today and then moving..I have barely started! then to top it off we have to fight. Not a good weekend really. I wish he understood that i have a lot on my plate and can't always be in a good mood..especially being pregnant! I'm not super woman! Ugh. My dad is picking L up tonight so that is awesome! He will probably take us to dinner also so that will be nice.

optomism

2008-04-11T12:35:00.003-04:00

I went out to lunch today and when I got back my parking space was still there and it made me smile. Funny how the small things can make you smile. Not funny how the small things can also make you frown. I get so angry lately by the stupidest things. And sucks for D that I take EVERYTHING out on him. If L is being a pita then I'm a total bitch to D. It's not fair and I really need to work on that. Last night L was up at 2:30, 3, 3:30, 4, 4:30, 5 and then up at 5:30 for the day! Needless to say I was pissed off. The first time was because she had to pee. fine. then the next time was because she saw a bug, there really was not a bug but she insisted there was one in her closet. I shut her closet, she was good. Then the screaming started again. Mind you, each time I was about to drift back in to dreamland another uproaring scream would wake me out of it. Every time after was because of bugs. I hate my fucking apartment and the fucking bugs that live in it. It's those creepy beetle looking things, I think the correct name for them is "stink bugs" but I HATE THEM! L didn't even SEE any bugs last night but she just knows they are there lurking..which they are because I killed 2 in the hallway when she wasn't looking, I hate them so much. I can't wait to get out of there!!!! Anyway, I'm sure daycare is going to loooove L today! She'll be a happy camper I'm sure. So around 3:30 I came back to bed after telling L to shut up. And I wanted to punch the shit out of D! What the hell is my problem?? I didn't. But I wanted to so bad!! Then I wanted to punch the walls. Then I thought about having 2 children and I really considered blowing my brains out! How the hell am I going to survive with a newborn baby PLUS L? I honestly don't know. I think I will die. I don't want to do the newborn stage again. I really need to work on my patience before this baby comes. I don't have any. I should have realized that kids wake up in the middle of the night and I should be used to the idea of not getting any sleep, but instead I wanted to punch things. I'm not a good person when I get little sleep. I was angry during my whole nights sleep until at 5:20am I felt D kiss my forehead goodbye as he left for work and it was like all that anger was lifted and I felt so peaceful. It was like nothing else mattered. He's been so awesome these past couple of days, maybe the whole week, but I think that is because I have been good too, I haven't been as big of a bitch(I'm trying, really I am). I think he really does love me. We had a super long talk a few days ago and it was pretty much both of us getting everything off of our chests about what pisses us off. He obviously said that I bitch and complain to much so I'm working on it. We are both stubborn asses and seriously I don't think I'll ever change. He won't either. But at the end of the conversation he did say how much he loves me and L and how he hopes one day he can be L's dad. That melted my heart..I would have had instant tears but I held them back and he said, if you want me to that is. And I just said, yes I want you to. But it was very sweet. He hasn't been as crabby and is pretty much being the man that I want and need him to be right now. Let's hope it continues..I'm somewhat of a pessimist and I need to work on that, so I'm thinking positively that this will indeed work! We are both super excited to be moving. Scares me pretty much to DEATH about moving in with him, but it could be a good thing. Could be disaster. Moving in with np after only dating a couple of weeks was disaster. D and I have been together 6 months so that's pretty good right? Not to mention have a baby on the way. He seems more excited and has to have bonding time with my belly each night. He loves my big pregnant body he says everyday. I hate my body right now, but he can't get enough of it. I feel like I'm just bulging out everywhere, my ass doubled in size I think, so have my boobs! He likes both equally. The only thing I like about my body right now is that I don't feel self conscious now when D wants to rub my belly because it's supposed to be fat! I can let it all hang out and not even care because the bigger the better right? Speaking of boobs, I NEED new bras like, 2 weeks ago! That should be a goal for the weekend. My other goal is to finish the book Stacie lent me called the Pilot's Wife, it's boring now, but I must finish it. I also want to look in the freebees for a computer desk, entertainment center, end table, and a few other odds and ends that I desperately need for the new place. Oh and I close on my loan on Saturday morning. Yesterday I gave the broker my down payment of $4800 and had a mini-panick attack because now I'm BROKE until I get my fed. income taxes back. I've never been this broke in my life, I've always had a cushion and now there is nothing and I semi freaked out. I like to have a savings account in case of emergency, like I need to run away fast or something. Anyway, things are coming together with the new house and I should be moving in shortly I hope hope hope!!!! L is even excited and keeps talking about "new house! new room! new BED!" So that is awesome and makes me feel more optomistic. That's another thing I'd love to go and look at this weekend! Bedding! My aunt called me, they are in NC for furniture market right now, and she found this adorable bedroom set for L, bed, nightstand and dresser and described it and I said yes so they are going to buy it for L for Christmas, her b-day and possible next Christmas present! I love having family in the furniture biz. So I am psyched about that. Monday is my shitty colpo procedure, but for now i've placed it in the back of my mind and realized that it will be over with soon and then I can move past it. I just want it over NOW! Oh well. It could be worse. much worse. So I just have to think positively and not dwell on it. Okay I think that is enough for today.

happy but sad

2008-04-08T16:17:00.002-04:00

I guess they are correct when they say pregnancy is just one huge ball of hormones. For some reason right now I feel like bawling, yet there really isn't a reason. I just want to cry and never stop. It could be because I feel so stuck in a rut. I'm pregnant. I just bought a house and have no idea how I'm going to afford it. I have to have the colposcopy done next monday and I'm terrified. My best friend doesn't like my boyfriend. D is starting to really change his whole attitude and I'm falling in love with him. L is getting worse and worse everyday(behavioral wise). I just hate my job. I want to take a vacation but have no vacation time let alone any money. I want to eat pizza all the freaking time. I feel like the biggest blob in the world. I'm starting to move slower. I have no motivation. I have been having suicidal thoughts. I have to wake up at least 2 times a night to pee and then once because L is crying and needs me to take her to pee. I have no energy. I never get any sleep. ever. I feel like I could sleep for ever. I want to take a nap sometimes and can't because I'm at work or I have L. I want a babysitter so I can catch a break. I want someone to volunteer to take L overnight. I want one night to myself. I want the bugs in my apartment to disappear, I hate them and so does L. I want to move to my new home without actually having to move. I want to get medicaid so I can quit paying $200 a month for my health insurance anymore. It's looking grim that I will get it, but there still is a ray of hope. I want someone to clean my apartment for me. I want to close on my loan so I can get stuff movin. I want energy. I want this cold weather to fucking go away already. I want to do things this summer with my baby girl. Like go to the zoo, go swimming and all the fun outdoor things. I want to actually do them and not be a lazy fat ass. I want to quit throwing up every single morning. I want my cramps to go away. I wish I had money and no stress. Money = stress and that sucks. Money = power also and that sucks even more. If I ruled the world I think I would give everyone ample amount of money, that way there would be little stress. We'd all be giant fatasses though laying in the woods like barbarians because no one would be motivated to get up and work, what would be the point. So I guess money motivates eh? It still pisses me off and I wish so badly it wasn't an issue. Life would be smoother. It's all a learning experience I suppose. You have to lose to win, or something like that. I'm borrowing 25K from a bank! yikes, that's scarey. I've never owned anything in my life. That I actually paid for myself. So it's kinda cool, yet scares the shit outta me. Did I mention I hate working until 5 now. It fucks up my whole evening and I don't have time for shit now. I love my daughter so much though, she seriously is the whole reason I come to this shithole office every day.

changing times

2008-04-03T15:35:00.002-04:00

I signed the offer on the house! Yikes! I can't believe I'm actually doing it. I can't wait!!!! I will finally be the owner of something! I really am getting excited! We move in on May 1st. I haven't officially asked D to move in with us yet, since he totally can not afford it, but I'm sure he will be staying with us a lot. We'll see I guess. I just can't believe I'll finally have a house with a yard and stuff, it will be great! Someplace to call home, like I've wanted for years. The financial aspect is the only thing that pains me. I'm not sure if I will make it. I may sink. It's all up in the air still and I'm waiting for the bank to call me back to let me know what the loan payments will be and the interest rate and all that crap, so we'll see. I just hope it's not that expensive!!! If it is, then I really pray that I can drop my insurance at work so I can earn an extra $200 a month. Medicaid accepted me, but I need to get rid of my work insurance now and I have a feeling it might not be that easy. ugh. Nothing EVER runs smoothly in my life so I'm expecting the curve ball. I went to my ob appt on Monday and they told me that my pap smear did in fact come back abnormal :( I need to have another Colposcopy done, which SUCKS! I had one done a year or so ago and it was awful, didn't help that the gal that did it was rude, so I requested somebody else, we'll see. I really don't want to go and that appointment is on 4/14/08. I wish it was just over with already, I'm freaking out about it. The cells were atypical so nothing too severe, but they do need to check the severity so I guess this is what this test does. blah. Again, why can't things just run smoothly? Then the 23rd I will find out the baby's sex! I can't wait for that appointment. They will also be doing a full fetal check to make sure the baby is great! I can't wait to see my baby again. And find out the gender and start figuring out a name for this blessing. I did my workshop on single motherhood. It was VERY scarey, but it went pretty good. I had help from a co-worker so that was nice! It's over now so that is the best part! I am not the greatest public speaker, so I was a little shakey, but it was good practice I suppose. I can't wait to have the baby and can take off time from work, I really need a break from this place! I wouldlove to quit. We will see how that works out. Maybe something will come together and things will start to get back on track in life. I really hope so. I hate chaos and not-knowingness. and that seems to be the theme of my life these days. The only thing I'm actually scared about right now though is that damn colpo, I really really wish I didn't have to have it. I don't have any other option though. I just hate the Dr and think it's all a conspiracy. Last time I had my colpo they were talking about histerectomys and all this crap and then the results came back fine...what the fuck was the point of the colpo then? I think they get a shitload of errors with their tests that they run, and why haven't they come up with something less painful then the damn colp. It SUCKS!!! ahhhhh..I could vent about this forever, but vent over.

Sinking

2008-03-31T14:57:00.002-04:00

I didn't qualify for anything. I was devastated and basically could not stop crying for about an hour. I just felt as though I would of at least gotten something, but instead I got nothing. I realized then that I need help, I can't do this on my own. It's just not going to work out. Life sure is throwing me a hard ball this time. Seems every avenue I go down I just keep getting dead ends. And I don't know why I'm even typing about it. What is that going to help? Who even cares anyway? I had my normal ob appointment today where they check the baby's hearbeat and it's still there, in the 150s. The baby is setting really low, which I could have guessed since that is where all of my cramps have been. She sprung it on me that surprise your pap smear came back negative. I have atypical cells and have to have another colposcopy done. sigh. I had one done about a year ago and NOT FUN! at. all. I'm not looking forward to it. It's 2 weeks from today and I'm already nervous. Oh well, I suppose it's good to have it checked but come on! Can't they just re-pap first? I don't get it. But I'm going to suck it up and do it, even though every part of me wants to just run far far away. I think I'm buying a trailor. It's in great condition and is in a really neat and clean park. I never thought I'd be the proud owner of a trailer, but here I am, officially trailer park trash! woot woot! It's not a trashy park though, far from it, it's mainly retirees and a great neighborhood for bike riding, walking! I can't wait, it's got 3 bedrooms, a washer and dryer and a dishwasher. The 3 appliances I have been DYING for since I moved out at 18. I'm excited about it and really think we will be happy here for the next couple of years.. Then maybe i can buy a house someday, but until then, the trailer is mine. It is 25 thousand and it's 1999. It will cost me about 6oo ish per month which is 100 more then I'm paying now for all that extra wonderment. I'm excited but at the same time scared. I HATE change, whether I know it or not, I am just not a fan of change. My biggest concern of course is L. I hate changing things for her. Why is it that I feel guilty taking her out of what she knows and putting her someplace she doesn't know. I want her to have stability I guess is what it boils down to. This park is kiddie corner from L's daycare which is wonderment also. So much more time I will have in the am before work! Plus I don't have to haul stuff up and down stairs to my tiny apartment anymore, and no longer will have to haul laundry for mom to do. I will now do my own laundry and will do it happily! (for now). As for D...I think I want him to move in with us. I think it would be the best and he could help out financially as well. It will all be in my name so if it doesn't work out I could always kick him out right? I just think since we are bringing a child in to this world then maybe it would be better if he was in the picture and actually with us 24/7. Maybe I'm just terrified of being single with 2 kids. Or maybe I love the guy. He's easy to love, but also easy to hate. We have a lot of underlying issues and he doesn't like to talk about them, so I have a feeling we are just at a calm in the storm for right now. We'll see. I do love him though. When I think about him I get that butterfly sensation in my tummy(oh wait that's just our offspring!) no but even pre-pg I still felt that way about him. He is quite possibly the one for me. Time will tell. D is going to apply for np's old job, haha, I have to laugh at this. One thing that sucks about that is that his work shift will be 3-11 and he really will be of no help to me in the evenings with getting the kids to bed. On the other hand, he will have kick ass insurance and great pay! i could marry him, get on his insurance, and get a part time job in my own city that is stress free! I like that idea! I hope hope hope he gets this job, it would take a lot of the pressure off. There is just so much shit going on in my life right now, but I'm hoping and praying that it will all just fall in to place like one giant puzzle peice. I need to get closer to God again and really need His help right now. I hope He will listen to me. I tend to only talk to Him when I'm struggeling.

uncertainty

2008-03-26T15:40:00.002-04:00

I went to my appointment yesterday to find out about getting assitance from the gov't. I still don't know if I qualify but I'm nervous that I won't. I don't think I will because of how much is in my savings account but I do have my fingers crossed and really really hope I can get something, anything. Anyway, Then I am also eligible for WIC so that is cool. I am gonna go on April 23rd to get that all set up, which is a really nice program and I'm thankful for it. The case worker said they are going to force me to file for child support on np, which I guess isn't a bad thing, but i just found out this morning from my dad that he got fired! Which did put a smile on my face, but then I quickly realized that my child support payments would be dramatically lower than if he were working, oh well, who cares about that dead beat anyways! So hopefully by Friday i find out what I'm getting from the gov't. I go tonight to look at 2 more double wides. I can't wait! I really like this park and really think I would LOVE living in one. We'll see. I think it would be a better deal than buying a house, so we'll see. I'm kinda nervous. I am not sure if I would have D move in with me either. I just can't stand him for that many days in a row, but I think once the baby came I would be happy to have him there so maybe I will just suck it up and deal with it! He needs to provide though and pay his share, I'm not the bread winner. That pisses me off that he wastes his money of EVERYTHING! He can't keep his money, I don't understand it! I'm going to talk to him tonight I think and see if he can give me even $20/ week just for me to put away for him, let's see that would be $400 by the time the baby is born and that would help out so much with diapers and such, instead of what he wastes his money on now, it's ridiculous and he needs to quit. I wish there was something I could do or say to get him to do that. but there isn't and even last night with the whole smoking thing, he told me I was preaching to him and that my bad habit is bitching too much. That pissed me off. Sometimes he can be quite rude. but I for sure can too. But it's only because I am the only one actually thinking about the future instead of just throwing money away. I'm the only one being an adult. Anyway, my doc appointment got cancelled for tomorrow and that is just as well. It was a pointless appt anyways regarding my thyroid, so they will just mail me a lab slip, thank you!!! Also on Monday I have a pre-natal appt where I will hopefully get to hear the heartbeat, yay! I can't wait. I mainly can't wait until my April 23rd appt though, right after that I also have my WIC appt so hopefully I can squeeze them both in! We'll see I guess. I now have the cold that everyone else in the world has right now. It's starting to aggrevate me too. I hope it goes away soon, I really enjoy breathing. Nothing else is really going on. I'm swamped at work and our workload is gonna double starting next Monday. Argh. I also have to do the single mother workshop on April 2nd..I'm so not prepared at ALL. I need to look over some things tonight and maybe get to the library too. I am so unprepared. Oh well,I can always fudge it.

waiting for answers

2008-03-25T11:13:00.004-04:00

Easter was okay. Lilly and I went to church and what a nightmare that was. I don't know why I even bother. She does not sit still for anything and is starting to really enjoy the tantrum throwing. My cousin Sara was there with her 3 year old and 1 year old and so the girls were getting in to trouble together. It was not fun to say the least. Then they did communion which adds on an extra 20 minutes. We were out the door at the start of the last hymn. Then to my mom's house for lunch. D actually showed up, but again was highly anti-social. Of course later when we went to his house he was super loud. I don't understand why he can't talk to my family. I don't like it. he's too shy. My mom is suspicious of him now and even called asking to make sure I would leave him if he ever hurt me. wtf. I of course would, but he seriously would never hurt a fly. I hate that he is so quiet around them, because it probably makes him out to look like some sort of psychopath or something. yes, our families are complete opposites, but I still talk to his family! I feel like he doesn't like my family and I hate that feeling. Anyway, my mom's meal was delicious and then we had an egg hunt for all the kids which Stacie and I had a great time hiding them all. They seemed to enjoy it and I'm sure my mom will randomly be finding eggs throughout the course of the year. L enjoyed her easter basket from the easter bunny. It took her forever to notice it sitting behind the chair but when she found it she was pretty shocked and happily took everything out of the basket. She loves jelly beans too I've found out. So today is my appt to find out what I'm eligible for assistance-wise. I'm nervous only because I know already that they are going to make me file for child support from np. That scares me so much. I had a horrible nightmare last night that he tried to kidnap L. I woke up sweating to death. I am so scared about filing, but at the same time I know in my heart that it is what needs to be done. Not for me, but for L and her future. It's just so frusterating, but I will get over it. Once it's done I will feel better I think. L calls me mommy-daddy. It's so sad and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I will say, no I'm just mommy. Then she said, Carter's daddy ( a kid at day care) and I said, oh Carter has a daddy? and she said Uh -huh. and I said, and you just have a mommy don't you!? and she said, uh'huh. Then said, Mommy-D(dbf's name). I hope she isn't insecure because she doesn't have a daddy. I want to be up front with her and be honest with her. Just probably not at the age of 2. Who knows. No matter what we do we seem to always feel like we are messing our kids up I think. Work wants me to put together a workshop on surviving single motherhood. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do or say at this workshop, I need to start researching and getting material together because they want to start it April 1st! yikes. I have no clue what kind of things to do in this workshop!!! I'm sure I will end up quitting the workshop idea, I suck at public speaking. I will try it out, but I have a feeling it will be awful. I am now looking at mobile homes. There is a park in my city that is very very nice! I love it! We looked at a couple this weekend and one was a 2 bedroom, but had it been 3 I would have bought it right then. I really need 3 bedrooms. But wow, it was beautiful! I am going to check out a couple 3 bedroom homes tomorrow in the same area. I am excited because I could totally see my family living in that place. It's clean, it doesn't look like your "typical" trailor park. There are also normal houses in there too. So hopefully this will work out. Especially since it's way cheaper than an actual house. there is lot rent, which kinda sucks, but it's only about $280/month which isn't too bad. I hope this works out! My mom even likes them too which is nice because her opinion is big for me. Lots of things are changing in my life, not sure if I'm ready!

Naptime

2008-03-21T14:05:00.003-04:00

I'm tired and I'm at work. It's very annoying that I have to be at work today. I haven't worked on Good Friday in the past 3 years but this year they decided that we get to work today. I really am hating working here, I don't see me lasting all that much longer. I forgot my purse this morning too. I went to McDonalds this am before work and ordered my food and then got up to the window and had to tell them that I had to cancel :( that sucked. D came over last night and we talked a little bit. Things seem to be going a bit better in that department. I still wouldn't sleep with him though. He was begging for me to practically but I said no. I just don't have that drive anymore I guess. It happens when pregnant Get used to it! I just was so tired. Lately after I get Lilly to sleep all I want to do is sleep myself. D has today off work. I wonder if he's at my house..I kind of regret giving him a key. I don't like him there when I'm not there. I have no idea why. I think it's because I'm stuck at work and he gets to be there where he's not even paying the rent, electricity or nothing. I just get worked up about that type of thing and money. I shouldn't but I do because of the stupid X. I hate him so much. He has fucked me up royally and really is making it hard for me to have a solid relationship again. it sucks. Maybe one day i'll get over it, who knows. I'm going to look at that house tomorrow, I can't wait. I really would love a house to call my own and somewhere to call HOME. I haven't been able to do that in almost 10 years..yikes. I feel kinda homey in my apartment now but it's too small! it's tiny! My room is jam packed with stuff, it's not even like a room in there. I hate it. L's room is perfect and the living room is too crowded and kitchen is just annoying. I HATE the bathroom and everything about it. My Easter plans are pretty boring. I am going to take L to church Sunday morning and then my mom is having people over for breakfast after that. That's it. I got L a little basket and will put some candy in it and a little care bear doll thing. I want to get her something else yet but haven't decided what. Maybe a movie? or some sort of toy. She is terrified of the Easter Bunny though, had a nightmare about him and everything. So i don't think I'll be telling her that the Easter Bunny is coming to our house. Poor L is at daycare today when the place is so empty! It's deserted because most parents have the day off today. Not me! My mom is hopefully going to be picking up L this evening from school then I don't have to worry about it. That is always nice. I'm SO tired. Still 2 hours left of work, I have no idea how I'm going to get by. I need a nap so badly. It's not fair that I'm stuck here. I'm looking at slings now too for the baby. I think that would be a neat thing to have, although they are like $55 just the ones that I seen. Ugh. That's too pricey for my blood, but I do really want one! I think it would be helpful. And I still want to do the cloth diapering thing too. and glass bottles! Wow I really don't have much to talk about. I feel like there is a lot going on in my head though. Next week I have appointments on Tuesday and Thursday. I made it to the bank yesterday so I got Tuesdays appointment all taken care of phew. I've been thinking a bit about baby names. The only input D has given was the name Michael Jordan, and he was only kidding. So poo on him. I like Henry for a boy and Cecelia for a girl. :) We'll see if I get my way. There was a couple that I liked for boys, but for girls that is really the only name I like right now. who knows though. Well, not much else to say right now, I'm sure come monday I will have more stuff to say, I hope. Until next time.

Stuff I hate

2008-03-20T10:57:00.002-04:00

So my wonderful employer just informed us that we will now be staying open until 5pm, instead of 4:30. What a pain in the ass!! So starting March 31st my new hours will be 8-5! I'm outraged. This is such short notice and a bunch of bull shit. They told me when I first got hired in that for safety reasons they only stay open until 4:30, since it gets so dark in the winter and I work in the ghetto, they wanted us out at 4:30 for safety. Now they aren't even giving us that!!! I hate my place of employment so so so so so much. I want out! I can't wait until I'm off on maternity leave and can search my brain out for a better paying, closer to home, safer, warmer, better office morale, job!! This job is the epitome of shit. Anyway, enough about that. If I talk anymore on it I will have an aneurism. I got maternity clothes! Yay! My mom took me to Target and we found 2 pair of pants, a dress, 2 shirts and a pair of shoes for about $100. I had bought 2 shirts and 2 pair of pants the day prior at younkers for $150, but then returned them yesterday. Good thing! I'm finally comfortable at work and someone even commented already about my baby belly, I guess it's obvious now. I still want to take a picture of myself at some point. D and I still haven't talked. His stupid phone is still shut off and yesterday he said he would call me and he never did. I miss him. I hate that he's broke all the time though. I know why he's broke and I hate that even more. He needs to quit doing stupid things and be a man and start saving money for this baby! I mean, he's already got a kid so he knows how expensive they are. Do the math! Stop being dumb. I would never tell him he's dumb to his face, but he really is being dumb. I can't stand being around him when he's like that. I wonder what he's been doing these past few days. I haven't had time to even breathe, I've been on a wild goose chase after work to try and find maternity clothes. Want to know all the stores that don't carry them that I have inquired at? Wal-Mart, Sears, JCPennys, Old Navy, KMart, Meijer. I mean, you can get them online but not at the actual store..whoop de freakin do, Maternity clothes fit all screwy and you need to try them on to know if they fit, so buying online is no option. It was really frusterating, but target must of gotten a shipment in because they finally had my size! yay! I am going to look at a house for the second time! I'm kinda excited about it too! My mom and I drove by it yesterday and she really liked it too!! SO that is good because I need her approval. We are going to check out the inside of the house again on Saturday morning and I can't wait. Maybe this will be my new residence? I hope so! It's cute! and really close to the water which is something else I love! We'll see I guess! Usually if my mom doesn't like something then I don't do it, so I was happy she liked it. I hope she likes the inside too. It's got a little sunken floor at one part. D said he could fix that, but i need to know what caused it. Oh I got a letter back in the mail from DHS and they made me an appointment for 3.25 so I will get interviewd and have to bring in a shitload of paperwork and then they will tell me what I am eligible for, in regards to assistance with Day Care! I hope I am eligible for something! I would be so grateful! I love that the government has that there for people that actually need it and are actually working..of course it's there for the people that don't work too and is that much easier for them to get and that part I do not condone, but whatever. I need it and I pay a shitload of taxes so I'm going to use it!!! I just hope I'm eligible, I would cry if I wasn't, because that would mean that basically I will have to quit my job so that I can live, because quite frankly I would not work so that I can pay $1000 to day care per month and then have next to nothing left, how would i pay my mortgage and my bills..ummm exactly. Can we say downsizing America! Ugh. I would probably not feel as strongly as I do about this if it wasn't for where I work. I see how UNgrateful so many are..at least 90% of the people in this area..maybe even 95%. It's a sick sad world. So I have that appointment so I need to scramble and try and dig around for all this paperwork I need to take to it. Then in the meantime 2 days later i have a Dr appt. which I need blood drawn before I go to it. so i need to fit that in somewhere too. I feel overwhelmed. I'm so sick about having to work until 5pm now..big fucking deal that I will have an hour lunch hour now, it's not as though I live close by and can drive home and take a nap or something. I hate this place. Until next time.

baby steps

2008-03-19T15:27:00.002-04:00

There are a couple things I want to do differently this time around with the new baby. Not too much, but one that I have just started researching is cloth diapering. I'm very excited about it and have gotten a ton of excellent information regarding it off of my baby board. I don't have a washer/dryer right now, but if I am living somewhere(and I intend to be) that has one I will for sure be doing this. I still have to buy a few, I'm only going to buy a few to start out with just incase it doesn't work out for me, but I'm so geeked up about this. Who knew that diapers would be exciting, I sure as heck didn't. I just know how horrible the environment is from diapers, not to mention plastic bags, baby steps. I also just learned about cloth pads for women too! How cool! I am not going to research this until I'm a pro with cloth diapering though first. My biggest concern with cd'ing is the folding, I am not good at that kind of stuff so I think I'll be practicing on a doll for a while before I can get it down. I think they have something called pre-folds which sounds awesome, then something else called snappis where it means that you do not need to use pins..I sound like such a beginner and am hoping that one day this will all be a part of my vocab and that I actually know what I'm talking about, haha. Another concern I have is the washing. I think what you have to do though is rinse them in cold right away after a poopie diaper, and then wash like normal on hot water? I will read more about this but right now that is what I think I could do. I also need to check with daycare to see if they even allow cloth diapers. If not then I will have to send disposables for school and cloth for at home. Something different to try and probably so much more comfortable for baby. I think they make flushable liners also that way the diaper won't get too stained! I can't wait to try these!!! Another thing that I'm switching to is glass bottles. I detest the plastic ones and I got a news article forwarded to me from Stacie that they are marketting glass bottles now too!! How exciting! I still wish they would do bottled water in glass too. How terrible for our environment not too, not to mention all the cancer causing agents. blah. hmm maybe I am turning green? It starts to rub off after a while I think. I hope my town carries glass bottles because I really want them! I think those are the 2 major changes that I want to do this time. Not too bad! Other things that I need to buy yet: 1. Sling for my baby- I have no idea and need to research these 2. breast pump - my co-worker offered hers for me to use, not sure what I will do yet. 3. hmm I can't think of anything else right now! So that's it I guess. I am starting to get more excited about this baby!! I think it's because I am not so constantly sick - I am starting to get a wee bit more energy and I can really feel it kicking and we are bonding already! Not to mention the daddy this time is actually involved, I think the whole L&D experience is going to be so much nicer too because the dad will actually be there! and be in our lives! Right now D and I still aren't on good terms. I feel terrible because I'm being a total bitch. Why do i have to be that way? I hate that I'm so stubborn and just do not budge, I wish there was a way to change it, but for some reason it's just how I am. Yesterday he came over and was blocking me from going to the living room from the kitchen. I got so angry with him! I know it's because Np used to baracade me in my room all the time and would'nt let me leave - dumb ass. It brought back flashbacks. sigh..they seem to have more in common than I thought. Even though what D was doing was totally innocent and he was just playing around, it still pissed me off and he has no idea why. I am not an open person and don't usually care for telling sob stories or talking about the past. It just brings up ugly memories and makes you feel the pain that much more in your heart. I bury things..deep deep down. I need to talk to D but his phone has been shut off so i have no way to contact him right now. I just wish I could say I am sorry and that I love him, but then when I see him I get stubborn again and really quiet. I don't think I can even fathom the idea of him even loving me and I just keep waiting for something to happen where he will leave and be just like the rest. He always tells me that he's not my ex, and I know that to a degree but it still is scarey and it still makes me think. I've been hurt before and he needs to realize that it really hasn't been that long ago and I still have to think about it. blah. I wish I didn't have to but I do. I wish D and I were more compatible than what we are. We can make it work but we are such opposites. I really hope we can make it work, I want to try more than anything right now. I am just so scared. Only the future knows for sure. Hopefully my hormones don't get too screwy as the months go on, hopefully they start to stabalize soon. If not, I fear I will only let myself down in the long run. Until next time.

Jumbled thoughts

2008-03-17T13:51:00.002-04:00

Well, telling my dad was much easier then everyone else, which I was quite surprised by. My brother is actually the one who told him initially because I had asked him to. I was too scared to do it myself so I made my brother do it. Then my dad called several minutes later and said, Congratulations! I was in shock and said i was surprised, he said, if this one is anything like L then I have no reason not to be happy. Awe, THAT is what I've been waiting to hear. THAT is the kind of things I NEED to hear. THAT was perfect and I am so glad that someone can fudge it for me, even if it's not what they are thinking..just make something up for the mere fact that I may not be handeling it well and need to hear some positive things. All my family seems to do is state the negatives and tell me how very hard this is going to be and how sorry they feel for me, yada yada yada, I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT! I understand that they are probably correct, but it's not a burden to have a baby, it's a blessing, and It will be as great or as miserable as you make it. Of course if people are telling you how hard it's going to be and poor you, then of course you probably will make it hard and it will be tough. But how about we go at it with a positive approach for once. My mom NEVER does this. No matter what. When I lived with her last time it was constant negativity. If I did my best to clean the kitchen that day, she would bitch that I didn't do the laundry. I just don't need her in my life every. damn. day. I can not move back in with this woman. Just the thought of it is already making me cringe and making my brain hurt and I'm not even back with her!! It's just thinking of being back with her. That can't be good. Yes, it would be helpful to have her there when the baby was sick or in the middle of the night, but is it worth it. NO! It's not!!! I have to remember this and I CAN NOT move back in with that bitch. I love my mom, but these past few years have really made her cold as ice and I will never have my old mom back. Don't forget this! Then on top of that, Stacie keeps telling things to me like, you need to save your money, you need to stop taking the easy way out of stuff, blah blah..wtf? I don't understand where she gets off lecturing me!! But whatever. I think she is trying to do it in my best interest, but really it's just pissing me off. Sometimes I think she likes to do that though. Piss me off that is. Why? I have no idea!!! That's not what a friend is for. Maybe she really is naive and is just saying this stuff because from the outside that is what it looks like to her? If she only knew how it really was. If she only knew. I need maternity clothes. None of my pants fit, and I'm sitting at work with them unbuttoned and bulging out of my clothes, this is the most uncomfortable I've ever been. I really need to get to the store, any store, and just buy a couple pair of pants. Of course work colleauges have said they would give me some of their old clothes but have I seen any yet, of course NOT! I have been putting off buying things because of their promises, but by the time I get these "clothes" they've promised I will be bursting the seems. I guarantee if I bent over right now they would rip. Now on to D. We haven't spoken since yesterday morning at 9:30. He walked out without saying good bye and we haven't talked since. WTF!? He doesn't help me out at all and when I call him out on it he gets mad at me. Oh and the classic was Saturday night when L smushed blueberries all inthe carpet and all he said was, you might want to clean your carpet. Well 2 hours prior he was calling it our bedroom and now all of a sudden it's my carpet. So I said, you know you can help me out once in a while. His reply? You won't let me discipline L so that's why she did that so you can clean it up. I swear to God the guy shifts the blame to me each and every time something doesn't go right. I'm SICK of it!! I will not put up with that. I dealt with that with the np and I will not be with someone that shifts the blame and can't man up to their own inadaquacies. It pisses me off and he can grow the fuck up. Be a man. Be responsible and help your pregnant girlfriend out once in a while PLEASE! I did this on my own last time and it has been nice having him around when I'm not pissed at him. He will help when he feels like it, like taking out the garbage or unloading things out of my car, which is more than I had last pregnancy so whatever I can get I will take. But I'm hormonal and things piss me off, especially his immaturity. He acts like such a baby sometimes. GROW UP! ok I'm done and I won't say it again(in this post, he he). L is being a PITA about going to sleep lately. What is that about? Last night she was scared of the nail hole in the wall and kept screaming "Bug". It's hard to explain to a 2 year old what a "hole in the wall" is. She screamed and wailed because she wanted her mama in her room at all times, I'm not allowed to leave anymore, it's discouraging to say the least. I'm used to her going to bed with no problems and now all of a sudden she has these insecurities..what from I wonder? I'm so confused. I hope it's nothing I did. It has literally taken me an hour to get her to sleep for the past 2 weeks. Maybe she is testing her boundries? I try and be stern but that makes her cry harder. Last night I was screaming at her because I got so frusterated and it didn't even phase her. She thinks when I scream that it's funny. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. I now understand why they have the supernanny shows and all the call-in radio listeners that are at losses with disciplining their children because I am now one of them. But this whole sleep issue..it's insane and I wish I knew how to fix it. I feel like I'm here today but yet not here. Make sense? I wish this life was all a dream though. Sitting here in my cubicle is really disheartening and makes me want to walk out and keep on going until I reach..anywhere? Until next time.

Yes, I'm having a baby

2008-03-14T10:23:00.002-04:00

Why are people's reaction to my news always shock? I guess in a way I understand, but I haven't had anyone IRL be excited yet. It's as if the baby doesn't exist. They better watch out because in 6 short months this baby will be very real. I told my aunt and all she said was, what the hell were you thinking? I mean, after the initial shock then I hear words of support, etc. But initially it's very frusterating because it's not as though I can reverse it, it's not as though I can say, Just kidding. What do you want from me? I'm pregnant. It's not going to change, so let it go. No one even realizes that maybe this is something that I wanted! They all say, poor you, what are you going to do? We will be there for you no matter what. Somehow I don't believe that because I rarely get help with L, even though I so desperately want and need it. I'm just the type that doesn't ask for it, but omg I would kill for a couple hours to myself every night, or a a night away or ANYTHING. My mom helps when she can or when I ask her and it works out perfectly for her. But never has she once said, here let me do that, you go do that. Well you know what I mean. It always has to be under her terms and always to her advantage, which therefore usually ends up making me late for something, or having to constantly worry about L. When I went out last summer for the evening she even texted me to tell me that L wasn't sleeping and she needed me to come home. So much for a night out. I just don't seem to ever catch a break. I'm sure that's not true because I know there are some good things. But lately I'm just seeing and remembering the negative. My mom wants me to move in with her, but how can i do that. Just today she suggested that I give the baby up for adoption!? I mean, what the fuck? I'm not 15 years old without a clue how to take care of a baby, I'm a 26 year old that is a grown woman that already has one kid!!!! I just don't understand people. Not to mention all of the other hurtful words I have heard in the past from this woman. I just can not fathom having to hear any more, and living with her would definitley stir the pot again. I've made up my mind. I'm not doing it. I refuse. I will get a second job before I do that. Oh man I'm really setting myself up here, I have a feeling I will end up back there..even though I really dread it. It might need to happen for a few months. 12 at the most. I haven't told my dad yet. He will probably take it better than my mom, but since my mom's reaction, I fear everyone elses. I just don't want or need to hear the negativity. We'll see I guess. It's not as though it's something to be proud of. I'm having a baby with a different guy than the last guy I had a baby with and we are unmarried and pretty broke. Not as though I don't have a reason to be terrified of reactions,. and I suppose good reason to why people react the way that they do..I just wish they would have some respect. I'm a hormonal pregnant woman who needs SUPPORT please! My only support network is my online friends, and that is not bad at all, it helps me out so much, but then to hear the IRL friends and familys comments..makes me wonder if the online friends are just saying the nice things to be, I dunno, nice? They can hide behind their computer with their comments, or use the delete key on their comments. I don't know. It's tough. It's tough not having a close knit family. I'm glad I am giving L a sibling. I hope they are close. I am happy for having this baby, even if no one else is. I'm going to be the best mom that I can be even though I will be working for their whole lives. Maybe one day things will fall together better but until then, this is what I'm faced with and I must do it with a smile on my face and a postitive attitude. My family is SO much different from me. They all are upper high class people that care what other people think and rely entirely too much on this. I was always the one that didn't care what people thought and kinda went in a different direction. I guess I am the black sheep now of the family. Even our old black sheep in the family didn't have 2 kids by 2 different guys! She just did drugs and had two kids with her fiances cousin. So I guess maybe we are similar, I should look her up. I do not use drugs though so that is somewhere we would differ. People always referenced her as "black sheep" of the family though. Kind of like on my dad's side of the family there is a "gay cousin". Fuck, it's rough to be different. Until next time.

Where am I?

2008-03-12T14:58:00.004-04:00

I never thought in a million years that this is where I'd be when age 26. I always imagined myself married for sure, and in my younger years I imagined myself in a big house with a big pool and a tall dark and handsome husband and then for sure living in California, perhaps right on the beach or at least near it. Why is it that we have such big dreams for ourselves and yet never accomplish them? Constantly wishing away our lives for what?? My dad said he is going to be moving to CA, I could technically move out there with him, and I most likely would. But why why why didn't I go it alone back when I was 18? I will never know. I was a chicken shit I guess. and now look. I'm stuck here in Michigan that I HATE! I know my family is here and that is great, but I honestly do not see them entirely that much. They have their own lives going on and their own adventures. They have the lives going that I wish I had. Why did everyone else get the good life, did I miss the boat? ok ok I realize that sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but so what, this is a blog and that's what it is for. I have this shitty job that I absolutely hate but took it since my parents were breathing down my neck to find a job with health insurance after college, it's like, all they cared about was health insurance...i didn't get it, but I did what they said because I know no difference. My parents are still the voices in my head, mainly my mom, but occasionally dad pops in too. My mom has had these control issues her whole life and pretty much dictates my life out for me. I hate this. and on more than one occasion I have hated my mother. What a horrible thing to say, but truth be known. She is cold as ice. Other times she is fantastic and we can laugh and have a great time together, but that is few and far between. She is in my life a lot because of my daughter. Her and L have a fabulous relationship and that little girl is my mom's entire life. My mom has even commented that had she not been around she would have killed herself after my dad left her. Which is heavy, but I mainly try to brush off statements like that from her. She wants my attention and I believe that is all she was doing. Anyway, so I took this shitty job and have now been stuck here for years and I'm so sick of it. My life was not supposed to be me sitting in a cubicle, following orders from a boss and dealing with nasty clients and co-workers. I am more of a free spirit and wish i could be writing a book or dancing, or some other job that is free-thinking, not cooped up in the coldest office ever. I literally sit here with my big fur coat on and freeze to death daily. I hate the weather in Michigan, always have. There again. What the fuck am I still doing here. I am not blaming either pregnancy on my permanent residence either because I could have left so so so many times pre-kids but still never did. I told L that she is going to UCLA. No, I mustn't dictate her life, she can choose to go anywhere she chooses. My luck she will end up in community college in MI! I must move before we get to that point! My friends are also in MI so yet another thing to take in to consideration. Stacie is very much a huge part of my life, she's helped me out so much and pretty much has been the only constant in my life since I had L. All of my other friends scattered or were associated with L's NP so I cut them out of my life. Rightfully so I might add. Who wants to be friends with someone that is now better friends with your ex than with you?? that is just fucked up. I can see if ex and I remained friends, but he was an abusive prick. Maybe my father moving to CA would be my ticket out of here, but I can not rely on that for sure happening. We'll see. Before finding out we were prego, D wanted me to move to AL with him to stay in his uncles' house til we found jobs. I was all for it. However, when it comes down to it, I just don't think I would have gone. I need to get some guts. no guts. no glory. right? Anyway, now that I'm pregnant we for sure can't move because I need the health insurance, LOL. It all comes back to health insurance. But it's true. I need it to pay for labor and delivery. D did not care at all that we were staying in MI. He is a mover though and would go anywhere the wind blew. That is one thing I do like about the guy. he is the most easygoing person I know. I honeslty hope that this child has his personality. My hands are frozen so I must end for now. Until next time.

My thoughts for today

2008-03-11T15:08:00.002-04:00

I haven't done the blog thing...ever. So if this is very choppy, random, then I am sorry, but it's mainly for myself to help me through a shit ton of shit that is going on these days and I honestly have no outlet except to my 2 year old daughter, who, let's face it, is not going to sit and have a serious conversation with me. Anyway, I get up each day, I go to work, and I come home, my life is so very monotonous and this is NOT where I pictured myself at this stage in life. I feel so stuck in a rut..stuck being the emphasized word. I literally can not leave my job, what would I do then? Where would I go? How would I pay bills? It's more complicated now because I am 3 months pregnant with my boyfriend of all of 5 months. We didn't exactly plan this, in fact, the whole first 2 months I cried because I just could not accept the fact that I was going to have L and now another. I can barely handle L on my own. I am going to have to wake up at 5am just to have adequate time in the am to get them both ready for daycare and then me ready for work, then hauling them both to the car and AHH I just hate the fact that I am doing this on my own. Don't get me wrong, D is great, but he does not help me at all with L, why would he? It's not his kid. Sometimes he does help, but he goes to work at 5:30AM so it's not as though he's going to be with me in the am to help. I have told him to back off when it comes to disciplining L because I am very selfish and want to do things my way, not to mention I don't really discipline her at all. I don't let her get away with stuff that is dangerous, but other than that I'm pretty laid back. He wants to constantly punish her for stupid little things that I don't think are worth getting worked up over(like playing with the tampons in the bathroom cupboard, who cares? let her play with them, it's not like she does it everyday, just one or two times ever). anyway, then when he tells her to go to time out, I usuallly always butt in and say, no don't make her do that, she's only 2. So I already see us butting heads with the new baby. He has already said that he's going to do the punishing for this kid..ughhh..i just want to scream. I don't know why he likes to pick fights with me, especially when I'm 3 months prego and very hormonal. emotional. it's like he gets off on it or something and it irks me. Long story short, who knows how long we are going to last, we already act like a freaking miserable married couple. He wants to stay at my apartment every. single. night. and that drives me freaking insane. First of all, he leaves messes and I end up cleaning up after him or bitching to him about it until he does it..he still, I swear to God, hasn't emptied the trash in my bedroom that I asked him to empty over a week ago. I don't want a trash can in my bedroom, I never had one before. Yet he feels the need not to listen to me and still put garbage in there. I get so pissed. I have crumbs in my bed because he set up his computer next to the bed so he sits on that and plays his stupid games(either world of warcraft, everquest, or whatever other dumb one he can come up with). That's a whole other post though because seriously. I am in the other room dealing with my 2 year old and he's in there playing games?!! I bitch seriously every time he does it, but he keeps doing it and I just can't take it! What is it going to be like with this kid. He has a daughter himself who is 5 and she comes for visits every other weekend..it drives me nuts that all he does is watch tv or play video games and he calls that playing with his daughter. I dunno. I just don't know. I must be crazy but I'm having a child with this person. When I type it all out I realize just how frusterated I really am with him, and I'm not sure I can take it. He is always mentioning marriage but HELLO? How can I possibly marry you. dumbass. Wow this feels better already. So back to the topic of daycare, another thing bugging the crap out of me. How in God's name am I supposed to pay for day care once this new baby comes? I mean, I pay $600 PER month right now for 1 child in day care..it's going to go up to about $1000/month for 2 in daycare. I mean, that is more than HALF of what I take home each month, there is no way I will ever be able to do that. I guess D will be helping with some - I have to remember that. But he makes way less than I do, so I figure I will get about 60/month from him for c.s. we'll see I guess. Do you think I am overreating about my situation with D. I mean, he is a good decent guy, should I keep trying with him? I just don't know what to do. I am so afraid of being alone again. L's NP didn't stick around too long after she was born. She was 2 months old the last time we saw him. Deadbeat loser. I hope that I didn't pick another one..I know for a fact he is NOT a deadbeat since he is a good father to his daughter and provides for her...but...maybe he isn't an all-star dad like I would LOVE for one of my children to have. I need someone that is going to meet me half way and be superdad and just have fun with. I know that is NOT D. Sigh...I think this is going downwardsville. I wish I would have ended things before getting pregnant, and abortion is not an option. I mean, don't get me wrong, when I first found out I was pregnant I did take the abortion road, but I quickly realized that as the person I am I could never terminate this baby..it breaks my heart to think that I ever had that thought. I just want my children to have the normal childhood like I had, and I don't see that happening any time soon..I guess I'm a loser magnet. My parents must be so proud. Oh back to the money thing...what am I going to do??? Plus health insurance for all of us.!? WTF!? Maybe I will try applying for Gov't assistance. If that doesn't work then I'm afraid I will have to quit my job and get on Gov't assistance...not something to be proud of but it's what I would have to do unfortunately the way the US is set up right now, they make things like a walk in the park for the poor. and then for the low-middle income they make it IMPOSSIBLE to get or do anything. It gives me a headache so I guess I will stop thinking about it. I feel like I am setteling with D and that is probably bad eh? And then now I'm thinking I will move back in with my mom, and oh man, that is a backstory in itself so I won't get in to it, but UGH that would and will be a nightmare. I guess I will end this post now because I could so keep going and going, it's really helping me get things off my chest. Until next time.